We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

So much has happened since I last posted. I’ll start with therapy…

Looking Back

I had my last day at Bruno’s and I’m really going to miss that place. I know I complained about it a lot but the truth of the matter is that it was a place that provided stability while I was making a huge career transition and I had a lot of good experiences while working there.

I said good-bye to Cara and my regulars and walked out after closing for the last time. There was also a sense of closure when it came to Brad. He was connected to Bruno’s and always would be but leaving there cut the last string I had connected to him. He no longer knows where I live or work and I’d blocked his phone number and e-mails long ago. He has no way to contact me at all which fits in nicely with my plan for a clean slate in 2014 (especially considering how toxic 2013 was and how Brad was the person that kicked it off with me).

Conspiracies

“Ow! Let go of my arm!”

Lots and Lots of Therapy

It’s been awhile. I’m sure you’re all wondering where I’ve been for the past month. Especially after everything with Brad went down.

Under The Bridge

I woke up in the morning dreading what I had planned for the day. I had to talk to Brad and I wasn’t sure how things would go, especially considering how excited he was about the prospect of being a dad and the decisions I had come to about our relationship with the past few days of reflection.

Weightless

It was foggy when Molly and I loaded into her car. I had my pajamas on and felt nervous as we drove toward the clinic. It was about 30 minutes away and when we arrived, we saw the protesters. They had graphic signs and I could hear their muffled screaming through the car windows. I closed my eyes until I felt the car come to a complete stop.

“Ready?” Molly asked looking over at me.

I took a deep breath and nodded before I got out of the car. It was time.

Mind Made

Brad wanted me to come over so we could talk some more about the pregnancy now that time had passed for us to both think about it. My first referral appointment is on Wednesday and I had already decided that I wasn’t going to tell Brad until a few days after my final appointment on Saturday. I just didn’t want him to make it more difficult than it was already going to be. I didn’t really want to talk to Brad about the pregnancy but decided to hear what he had to say, anyway, since we both had time to think about things. I knew there was an almost impossible chance I’d change my mind no matter what he said but when I eventually tell him about the abortion, I want him to at least feel like he got to have his thoughts taken into consideration before it happened.

Waiting

I sat in the doctor’s office twitching my foot nervously. I had just peed in a cup to confirm that I was pregnant, which a nurse took. Molly and I were left in the exam room to wait. It seemed like an eternity had passed when the doctor finally walked in.

She had light brown hair and thick, black glasses that matched her sensible black pumps. She was wearing a wrap dress in a calming blue color.

“Hi, Faith. I’m Dr. Green.”

Choices

I have my doctor’s appointment tomorrow. And I told Molly a few days ago.

Pregnant or Not Pregnant?

I saw the pregnancy test’s result and started crying. Then I heard Brad start crying. When I looked at him, it was with abject horror.

The Thin Red Line?

“Can you close the window?” I asked Brad.

We were sitting on his couch and he was closest to it. The breeze blowing through wasn’t helping my allergies and I was sick of sneezing. And I was getting sick of Brad, too. Every time I tried to talk about something serious, he changed the subject to his new tattoo or to how romantic it was that we told each other we loved each other over a picnic.

Dr. Zoey

“Wow. That seems so….bizarre.” Zoey said after I told her what happened with Brad.

“Right? It’s like I’ve finally seen his true colors or something.”

Brad's a Bust

The show finally closed but Ed has not offered me another job like I thought he would.

He's a Super Freak

“I think we should talk.” I said sitting next to Brad. I had decided that I needed to end our relationship sooner than later and decided to sit him down when he got home from work and do it as quickly as possible.

“Me, too. I wanted to show you this.”

Brad lifted up his shirt’s sleeve to show me a new tattoo he got. My eyes got wide and I felt nervous.

Oops

I blinked at him after he said it and opened my mouth but nothing came out. He kept looking at me expectantly and a long silence stretched between us.

“I love you too.” I squeaked out.

Four Little Words

I got over my double illness just in time for allergy season. Joy. 

Sick

I am sicker than a dog right now, you guys. I think my huge workload has finally taken its toll. I have bronchitis AND strep throat. I can’t miss calling the show (which closes at the end of this month thank God!) but Bruno did give me time off so I can get better (and not infect our customers).

Flirty Faith

I showed up at the record store Brad works at in super tiny, skin-tight denim shorts and a tight, white tank top and a push-up bra. I needed a good reason to show up there out of the blue and figured I’d pretend like I was bringing him lunch. For good measure, I made sure it wasn’t food he’d like, that way if he didn’t take the bait with the open flirting, I could pick a fight if he said he didn’t like it.

“Hey.” I said walking inside.

“What are you doing here?” Brad asked happily.

“I thought I’d surprise you with lunch.” I said holding up the lunch cooler I brought with me.

“That’s awesome! Let me go get my jacket.”

“Okay.” I said as he walked towards the back. I found myself annoyed by his excitement.

I walked over to the cash register where Phil, Brad’s friend, was working. I leaned on the counter so my cleavage was in full view and stuck my butt out seductively.

Master Plan

“You guys, he is not taking any of the bait. He sees me as perfect.” I bemoaned.

The girls and I were shopping at the mall. Anna had brought the twins who had just turned two (which I cannot believe, they are SO big) last month in a double stroller. They were sleeping while we tried on shoes.

“Maybe you should just end things.” Anna suggested.

Oral Fixation

Bruno has STILL not found a replacement for Brad’s position which means I am still working at the theatre, calling cues every night and then immediately going to the bar right after. Last night, I was there until 4 in the morning because I had to close and do inventory for this month. The money I’m making is nice but I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I went to Brad’s place after I got off of work and immediately kicked off my shoes and took my pants off before crawling into his warm bed.

“Hey.” He smiled wiping the sleep out of his eyes, “Long night?”

“You have NO idea.” I said snuggling into him and closing my eyes.