Grim

Veronica called everyone into an all-staff meeting to announce the closing of the paper. I don’t think anyone was prepared. It’s such an unexpected time to lay people off; right in between Christmas and New Year’s. The shock on everyone’s faces was heartbreaking. After Veronica made the announcement and answered some basic questions, she gave the floor to me where I spoke about the severance packages and the option to cancel any contracts an employee might have with the news station. I avoided eye contact with my friends when I mentioned that everyone would be pulled into a meeting with me by the end of next week to go over their severance packages and options. I started with Stormy.

As soon as the door closed, he started yelling.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this!”

“Stormy, you know I couldn’t. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell everyone but it was all confidential.”

“How long have you known about this?”

“That’s…complicated.” I said.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Faith?”

“I’ve known for awhile. I’ve known it was a possibility for even longer than that. But I can’t talk about it, Stormy. It’s all confidential.”

“Are you telling me that the paper has been teetering on the brink of shutting down forever? Is this why the paper was moved to all digital?”

I didn’t say anything. Stormy tiredly fell into a chair across from my desk and looked into the distance, deep in thought.

“Your severance package is very generous.” I said pulling out the file I had made for him months ago, “You’ll be allowed to cancel your contract with the station if you want to.”

Stormy flipped through the file, put it under his arm, and left without a word. I sighed. Not only did I have a meeting with Stormy, but I had them with Steve, Tom, Dina, and Suzy, among others. There were tears, there was yelling and anger; there was confusion, shock, and real pain on people’s faces. My friends looked at me like I had betrayed them. Dina gave me a hug, though.

She told me that she knew I was in an uncomfortable position and that she couldn’t hold it against me. I appreciated her words a lot and I think they got me through the rest of the day. When I came home from work, Stormy wasn’t there. He didn’t show up until really late and I’m pretty sure he’d been out drinking on account of the fact that my apartment smelled like a distillery almost as soon as he walked through the door. I thought it was best to give him his space and let him sleep it off. He’ll talk to me when he’s processed everything.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Friend Flight

Sean slept over last night (Stormy had a date that apparently went very well with some girl because he never came home). Apparently, Karen’s sister was throwing her a baby shower out of town so she wasn’t going to be home. I had just showered and was drying my hair while Sean went to go shower. About 5 minutes later, I went to go get my mail and found Zoey on my door step.

“Um. Hi.” I said stepping into the hallway and closing my door.

“What are you doing? We’re supposed to go shopping today.” She said.

I had completely forgotten. I called Zoey after my brunch with Molly because I wanted to see my friends more and we agreed to go shopping this morning.

“You forgot.” She said.

“N-no.” I said trying to cover.

“Yes you did. Let’s get you dressed and ready to go, then!” She said cheerily and pushed open my door.

“Hey Faith, you didn’t leave any towels.”

Sean had just walked out from my bathroom with a hand towel strategically placed and Zoey saw him. She looked at him and then at me before walking right back out of my apartment. I shot Sean a dirty look before chasing after her.

“Zoey, wait! Please! Wait!”

I caught up with her on the stairs.

“Let me explain!” I said.

Zoey stopped on the stairs below me and looked up. She looked tired and sad.

“Faith, I don’t want to listen to you explain. I’m done. I can’t watch him destroy you again. I watched it once; I’m not doing it again.”

“It’s not like that, Zoey. We aren’t back together.”

“Look, you can do whatever you want, Faith. I don’t care anymore. If you want to do whatever it is you’re doing with him then, fine, but I’m not going to sit around and wait until he ruins you again so the rest of us can put the pieces back together. I’ve gotta go.”

“Zoey…” I squeaked out, “You’re supposed to be my best friend…”

“I never wanted it to come to this but I can’t watch you do this to yourself all over again for my own sanity, Faith. I care about you which is why I’m not going to go through the pain of watching you fall apart all over again. I just can’t.” And with that she left.

I sat in the stairwell for a long time before going back to my apartment. Sean was still there.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Just go.” I said.

He left a few hours ago. Stormy hasn’t come home yet but I’m not looking forward to it when he does. I just want to be left alone for a little while.

Bad News Bears

“I’m so sorry, Faith.” Molly said over brunch.

I had just told her about my job and the fact that I’m losing it. I called her yesterday and said I needed to talk to someone and then she suggested we go to brunch.

“I know I haven’t been in touch as much as I should be.” I said, “I just have a lot going on. How are Anna and Zoey?”

“Zoey moved in with Wesley last week.”

“She…didn’t tell me.” I said with an air of sadness.

“It happened pretty fast…” Molly said, “Anna is doing well and so are the twins. Theo was made chief resident.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for them. How are you?”

“I’m doing well. I’ve been to a few auditions and I’m working on a show right now and making costumes for another. I’m busy, but that’s theatre!”

“That’s great Molly.”

“Aside from your job, what else has been going on? I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving.” She said.

“Nothing. Well, Randy and I broke up.”

“Oh. Why?”

“It just didn’t work out.” I said shrugging and trying to avoid having to explain the real reason why.

“Have you seen him around your building? I hope it’s not too awkward for you guys.”

“I have actually. Things are hard but we’re okay.” I said.

I saw Randy in the mailroom the other day. We just smiled sadly at each other before parting ways.

I feel a little better after catching up with Molly and I’m going to try to do the same with Anna and Zoey. Hopefully now that I’m not dating Randy they will stop judging my choices. If anything, they should at least stop judging me momentarily while I tell them about my future unemployment.

Bombs Away

Veronica pulled me into her office today after lunch.

“Faith, I’m not sure how to say this so I’m going to get right to the point: The paper is being shut down. The investors aren’t impressed with the move to digital and we can’t sustain the paper with our current subscriber base, even if it grows by 100% in the next month. Everyone who doesn’t work in tandem with the news station is going to lose their jobs. I need you to start making severance packages. We’re going to announce the two week notice at the end of December.”

I felt like a bomb had gone off. I would be losing my job, too. Steve, Suzy, Dina…all of us will be unemployed and looking for work during the worst possible time.

“Veronica, you need to tell everyone now. People need to start looking for work as soon as possible.”

“I’m not going to be responsible for ruining everyone’s holidays, Faith. Make sure their severance packages are generous. Here’s the budget we have for those,” she said handing me a budget breakdown, “I’m sorry, Faith.”

I left Veronica’s office in shock. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I spent the rest of the day reviewing the severance packages I had made when she first told me this was a possibility and I added more to them. People who work with the news station will be receiving less but I think that’s just fair since they’ll still have a paycheck coming in; they’ll also be able to choose whether or not they want to be released from their contracts with the news station to seek out better work.

I feel like a traitor walking around the office pretending like everything is okay, looking at all of my co-workers and friends who are about to be out of a job…I asked Veronica if I could work from home on Monday. She said yes. I think she’s worried I’m going to tell people before she officially announces it. I don’t plan to, though. I don’t want to be the bearer of news like that. Living with Stormy and not telling him is going to be hard but I think it will be okay.

I’ve already started looking for more jobs. I applied to two but I don’t think I want to be in HR anymore. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, actually. It’s not fulfilling for me anymore, especially when things like massive layoffs happen. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how to tell my parents without freaking them out.

Comparisons

Stormy came back from apartment hunting in a good mood.

“Aw, yes! Chinese food!” He said walking into the living room with some chopsticks and a white food container, “Oh, who died?”

I was sitting in the living room with the lights off in silence, stroking Murphy on my lap. I hadn’t cried at all and I just felt numb.

“I just told my boyfriend that I’ve been cheating on him for the past month. How was apartment hunting?” I said.

“Apartment hunting went okay. I put in an offer for one place. They’re going to get back to me. Do you want to eat?”

“No. You probably shouldn’t eat that,” I said, “it’s been sitting out for 5 hours.”

Stormy spit out the food he had just put in his mouth and put the container on the coffee table gingerly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked turning on a side table lamp.

“No.”

“Do you want me to give you some space?” Stormy asked. It was clear he was at a loss of how to help me feel better.

“No. There’s nothing you can do, Stormy. I did this all on my own and I’m going to have to deal with it all on my own.”

“That’s not true, Faith. I’m here for you.”

I smiled sadly at him before turning to look out the window in my living room.

“You should eat something. I’ll make dinner.”

After 5 minutes, Stormy came back with a microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner on a plate. I laughed.

“What? I’m not the best at cooking okay?”

Just then I got a phone call. It was from Sean. I looked at my phone on the coffee table and immediately stopped smiling.

“Do you want me to answer it and tell him to leave you alone?” Stormy joked.

“No.” I sighed before putting my plate down, grabbing my phone, and going into my room to answer it.

“What?” I asked in greeting.

“What happened?” Sean asked.

“Well, my relationship is over. As it should be. I told him everything.”

“That’s good, Faith. Now you won’t feel so guilty-”

“Excuse me? You aren’t coming over again. We’re over, too.”

“Why? Because you replaced me with Stormy?” He said acidly.

My mouth dropped and I spluttered because I was taken so off guard.

“That’s none of your….I’m helping…..he needed a place to stay because……how dare you, Sean! Why don’t you just call me a whore and get it over with?”

I hung up the phone and flung it at my bed. I realized that Stormy had probably heard me since I had been shouting that last part. I stayed in my room the rest of the night. Stormy came to check if I was okay a few times but when I didn’t answer he left me alone. This must be an awkward living situation for him. I feel bad; he left his crazy girlfriend only to move in with someone who is even more screwed up.

Not a Happy Ending

Living with Stormy has been pretty easy so far. It’s kind of nice having a roommate, actually.

I had the apartment to myself because Stormy was out apartment hunting. Sean ended up coming over again. We were getting down to business when there was a knock on my door. We had ordered Chinese take-out and I went to answer the door. But it wasn’t our food. My eyes were huge.

“Hey, I just wanted to see if you were up for grabbing some lunch.” Randy said when I opened the door.

“Uh...”

“This must be Stormy, right?” Randy said inviting himself in and going to shake Sean’s hand.

“…uh, yeah. It’s nice to meet you.” Sean said shaking Randy’s hand.

I gave up at that moment.

“No. It’s not.” I said with an air of exhaustion, “Sean, you should go. Now, please.”

Sean left without a word and Randy looked confused for a minute until the realization dawned on him.

“Sean…? As in…your ex-fiancé, Sean?”

I nodded and took Randy’s hand before leading him to sit down in a chair.

“Randy, I’ve…not been honest with you. When I told you that I wanted to be exclusive, I did. I really meant it. I wasn’t seeing anyone else. But then Sean showed up and we…we ended up sleeping together. I’ve felt terrible about it and I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks. It didn’t just happen once, either. I am so sorry.”

Randy didn’t say anything. He was processing what I had just said when the food I had ordered arrived. I apologized before answering the door and leaving the food in the kitchen to rejoin Randy in the living room.

“How long have you been dating him?”

“Randy, it…it wasn’t like that. We aren’t dating…it was just…”

“You guys were just having sex?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“A month.” I said. It felt like I was stabbing Randy, and myself, with each word.

“For a month?” Randy said more to himself than to me, “Did I do something wrong? Is it because of Teddy?”

“What? No. Randy, I really like you. I love spending time with you and the fact that you have a child has nothing to do with what I’ve done. The truth is…I probably should have turned you down when you asked me out. I wasn’t over my relationship with Sean. I wasn’t prepared to be in another serious relationship so soon and I should have told you that from the beginning but I was in denial. I really thought I was fine and that I was over him but I’m not and things are so complicated now. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and I really didn’t want to hurt you. I know that I did and I feel awful about it.”

Randy didn’t say much. I told him about my relationship with Sean and how it affected me. I explained that dating him, among other men, was a way for me to be defiant against my feelings left over from my relationship and that I regret not dealing with it better. He was quiet and was taking it all in.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said finally.

The food I had ordered had long gone cold and my apartment was significantly darker than when Randy had first knocked on my door.

“I could try to look past this…” He said quietly.

“You won’t be able to.” I said and Randy understood seeing as how he’d just listened to me talk about trying to recover from Sean cheating on me and not being able to, “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore, Randy. I wouldn’t want to be with me, either.”

“I like you, Faith, I think…if things had gone differently I probably would have fallen in love with you.”

“You still like me even though I’ve just done one of the worst things imaginable?”

Randy thought about it.

“You were trying to run away from a lot of hard stuff. I know that coping can be hard. Not everything is easy. After my wife died, I started drinking a lot. And I know that if I hadn’t been shaken out of it I wouldn’t have been able to take control of my life again. I understand, Faith, even though this really sucks.”

“Randy, you’re such a great guy. I never deserved you. And you don’t deserve what I’ve put you through. I really am sorry.”

Randy gave me a hug.

“So, I guess we’re over?” Randy said.

“I guess so.” I said sadly.

He kissed me on my cheek and I squeezed his hand before he left.

Surprise Visitor

December 1^st, 2011

Sean came over again. We were on my couch ripping pieces of clothing off of each other. Things were getting really hot; I was on top and Sean had just taken off my bra and thrown it across the room. His mouth was paying attention to my chest when I heard my front door open.

“Oh, God! I’m so sorry!” I looked up in time to see Stormy covering his eyes and backing into a wall with his suitcase on the ground in front of him.

I grabbed a blanket to cover my boobs and fell off of Sean onto the floor; who had to shove a certain body part back into his boxers and zip up his pants. Sean was shirtless and stood up awkwardly. He helped me stand up and then put his hands in his pockets.

“Could you go?” I asked Sean.

“Yeah. Bye.” He said grabbing his shirt and shoes and walking out the door, presumably to dress in the hallway.

“Stormy, it’s okay; you can stop covering your eyes.” I said, approaching him cautiously.

“I’m so sorry.” He said, “Rose and I got into a fight so I ended things and came over here a day early. I didn’t think you’d mind. I am SO SORRY.”

“It’s okay.” I said, “Everyone and their mom has already seen my boobs anyway.” I said trying to reduce the awkwardness, “I’ll go get the blankets and stuff so you can make up your bed on the couch. I cleared out some drawers in my entertainment center so you could put your clothes and stuff away. Feel free to start unpacking. I’ll go get dressed and then order us a pizza, okay?”

I put some clothes on before giving Stormy a stack of bed linens and going to order the pizza. When I got back Stormy was bright red.

“Um. This is yours.” He said holding up the very sexy bra I had been wearing.

“Thanks.” I said taking it from him and throwing it into my bedroom.

“Stormy, I’m really sorry that happened.” I said.

“We don’t need to talk about it. I’m sorry I ruined your plans.” He said sitting in an armchair looking incredibly embarrassed.

“Well. This is awkward.” I said.

We both laughed and things finally relaxed a bit. Our pizza came and we had a Project Runway marathon again. It was fun.

“So, you’re back with your ex again?” Stormy said while Nina and Michael discussed the designs one designer had put forward.

“It’s…complicated.” I said, “We’re not exactly back together.”

“Did you break up with that other guy? The one with the kid?”

“It’s complicated.” I said again.

Stormy caught the hint and didn’t press me further.

“You’re okay, though?” He asked after awhile.

I didn’t say anything. Instead I just snuggled into his side and gave him a hug.

I went to put the leftovers in the fridge but Stormy stopped me.

“Hey, Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad we’re friends.”

I smiled.

“Me too, Stormy.”

Unfiltered Adultery

Randy and I went out tonight. Before he picked me up I decided that I was definitely going to tell him what happened with Sean but that was a lot more difficult to actually do.

“Hey, you look amazing.” He said when I opened the door, “I got us reservations at this fancy wine bar, I think you’ll really like it.”

I didn’t feel like the beginning of our date was the best time since he made reservations and everything. Dinner was delicious and the wine was excellent but I tried to make sure I didn’t overindulge so I could be clear-headed when we talked later.

We went for a walk in a nearby park because the weather has been unusually warm this year. I was telling Randy about my upcoming house guest.

“Yeah, he’s supposed to show up on Friday. His girlfriend doesn’t know where I live which is why he asked to stay with me for awhile.”

“And you guys work together?”

“Yeah, he’s a journalist and also a part-time newscaster for the television station our paper is connected to.”

“I think that’s really nice of you, Faith, opening your home like that. You’re such a generous person.”

“Thanks.” I said half-heartedly.

I couldn’t bring myself to ruin Randy’s night so I pushed back telling him until we said goodbye for the night.

I was standing at his door and steeled myself up. Randy gave me a kiss before opening the door to his apartment.

“Randy…wait…I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is everything okay? You look upset?”

“Remember when I told you about my ex-boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“His name is Sean and he wasn’t just my ex-boyfriend. We were engaged.”

“Oh, uh, wow.” Randy looked confused.

“The reason I’m telling you this because I-”

Just then Teddy ran around the door and hugged Randy’s waist.

“Daddy! Daddy! Stacy let me watch a movie and we got pizza!”

“Oh, is that so? I’m glad you had fun, buddy.”

“Hi, Faith! You want to come in and play Legos?”

“Hi Teddy, I’m sorry but I can’t tonight, maybe some other time alright?” I said messing up Teddy’s hair.

“Okay. Dad! I want to show you what I built with my Legos! Come on Daddy!”

Teddy started pulling Randy’s hand to make him go and Randy looked at me searchingly.

“Go.” I said, “It wasn’t important.”

Randy waved goodbye and I walked up to my apartment feeling terribly alone.

“Hey.”

“Why are you here?” I asked Sean.

He was leaning against my door.

“Why do I usually come here?”

“Go away.” I said pulling out my keys.

“You look nice, Faith.”

“Yeah, well, I like to look nice when I go out with my boyfriend.”

“Oh. Did you tell him?”

“Have you told Karen yet?”

“Touché.” He said shrugging.

I unlocked my door and let him go in before me.

“Sean I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel terrible about it and I don’t want to lie to Randy anymore. He has a kid. I won’t just be hurting Randy when I tell him.”

“Then why bother telling him? Just break up with him.”

I turned to look at Sean.

“You know…I really thought you were a completely different person. Have you really changed that much since we first met? The person I knew valued honesty and commitment. Who are you?”

“You’ve changed, too, Faith. Things were different a year ago.”

“A year ago, the cracks in our relationship started forming.”

“Things are different now.” He said, “It’s okay if we’ve both grown up since then.”

“But you’re not a better person…the person I was in love with is not who you are anymore. The sooner we both realize that, the better.”

“I think we’ve both realized that we aren’t the same people. But let’s be real, here, Faith, doing this is making it easier for us to move on.”

“Do you really believe that Sean? Doing this is making me miserable, just like our relationship did.”

“Then why did you let me inside just now?” He said eyeing the door.

I didn’t have an answer for him. I looked down and felt my eyes start to burn with hot tears.

“Don’t cry, Faith.” He said hugging me.

He wiped my tears away, lifted my chin up, and pulled my lips to his. I hate myself for enjoying it; for missing his touch; for missing him. Sean actually ended up spending the night. I was getting ready to leave for work when he walked out of my bedroom completely naked. He came up to me and pushed a strand of hair back and kissed my forehead.

“Karen is going to wonder where you are.” I said pouring coffee into my travel mug as an excuse to turn away from him.

“She’s out of town right now.”

“Oh.” I said tightly, “There’s food in the fridge and I made coffee, so feel free to have some before you leave. I have to go to work. Bye.”

I left him in the kitchen. Sean seems so much happier about what we are doing than I am. Maybe he just hides it better than me.

Guilty as Charged

Stormy walked into my office while I was deep in thought about my current situation with Sean and Randy and my face must have shown how tortured I feel about it because he looked concerned when he knocked to get my attention.

“Is this a bad time?”

“Uh, no, come in.” I said clearing my head, “What’s up?”

“I’m planning on breaking up with Rose on Friday. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I’m doing it right after work so I’ll probably be at your place after that.”

“Okay.” I said, “That’ll be fine. You can sleep on my couch.”

“Faith, are you okay?”

“What? Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You seem kind of…distracted…not yourself. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Do you want me to try and find a hotel or something?”

“No, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay. Thanks again, Faith.”

“Sure.” I said, “I’ll bring you a key to my apartment tomorrow, okay?”

“Thanks.” He said before walking out the door.

I’m going to have to tell Randy about what I’ve been doing; the guilt is going to make me go crazy if I don’t. I haven’t been able to think about anything else.

Candid

Apparently, I’m making sleeping with Sean a habit. Yes, it happened again (actually a few times since I last posted). Yes, I hate myself for it. No, I don’t know why I’m letting this happen. No, I haven’t told anyone about it.

He called me to see if he could come get the sweater he’d left behind back and I said okay. What I should have done was left it at the front office and had him pick it up there but I didn’t. He came over, we had coffee, he started talking about the tour and Karen and the baby and being a dad, and then it just happened. He’s been coming over off and on for what are essentially booty calls. We aren’t back together again; we’re just both sleeping with each other.

Last night we were laying next to each other and staring at the ceiling. I was overwhelmed with guilt and wasn’t really in the mood to listen to Sean wax nostalgic about our relationship like he usually does afterward.

“I’ve missed you, Faith. I’ve missed THIS.”

“What cheating on your girlfriend?” I said unapologetically.

Sean was quiet for minute; like he was deciding whether to take the fight or not.

“Oh, so I’m cheating on Karen but you’re not cheating on Russell?”

“Randy.”

“Whatever. You don’t get to judge me anymore for cheating on you, Faith, not when you’re doing the same thing.”

“It’s NOT the same.” I said shaking my head and continuing to stare at the ceiling.

“No, you’re right. It’s worse than what I did to you because you keep doing it. I only slept with Karen the one time.”

“Oh, and I can be sure of that? You practically lived with her on a tour bus. How am I supposed to know you weren’t sleeping with her on the side?”

“I’m not getting into this.”

“Fine, are we going to talk about all the other things you never wanted to talk about when we were together? Like Paul?”

“Faith, don’t.”

“You should probably go. Karen will be suspicious. What have you been telling her, anyway, to get time away from her to come over here?”

“Band practice.”

“She probably knows, you know.”

Sean didn’t say anything for awhile.

“You’re right, I should go.”

“Bye.”

He got up, got dressed, and left without another word. As soon as I heard my front door close, I got a text from Randy:

“Are we still on for tomorrow night? The babysitter is going to stay the night ; )”

I replied, “yes” and immediately felt guilty. I know I should tell Randy. I know that I’m cheating on him and it sucks because I know how bad that feels but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried a few times but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Randy seems so happy and content in our relationship right now and I don’t want to be the one that ruins it even though I already have.

Thanksgiving at Zoey’s was fun. She cooked some awesome food, Molly helped, and we had it at Wesley’s new place. I’m pretty sure Zoey and Wesley will end up moving in together pretty soon and it feels bittersweet. I’m happy for Zoey. She deserves to have a great guy but I’m also jealous. Sean and I were going to live together and be happy and it didn’t work out and instead I’m sleeping with my cheating ex-fiancé while I’m dating a great guy. I’m really messed up, guys. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they hate Sean and they don’t think I should be dating Randy, either.

Crazy Storm

I’ve decided not to tell Randy what happened. I feel terrible about it but I think it’s the best thing for right now.

Things at work are going pretty slow. The digital paper is up and running and subscribers are now starting to trickle in. I don’t think we’re getting as much interest as the investors would like to see, but I’m hoping it will pick up as things go on especially once Tanya and Todd get the phone app up and running in about a week.

Stormy sent me an e-mail asking me to grab lunch away from our normal group. I wasn’t all that attached to my tuna salad sandwich I brought so I agreed. We went to a pub down the street from our building and settled in a booth.
Two cheeseburgers, two baskets of fries, and two sodas ordered later, Stormy and I sat and waited.

“So, why did you ask me here?” I asked sipping my soda.

“Things are going really poorly with Rose, Faith. Like, REALLY bad.” Stormy kept looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“She has gone NUTS. She thinks I’m cheating on her-”

“Are you?” I asked nonchalantly.

Stormy gave me an indignant look.

“No! Honestly, I’d be too afraid to. She stole my phone so she could look through the contacts and read all of my text messages. She wouldn’t admit to taking it but I couldn’t find it for a few hours and then in mysteriously turned up.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just lose it?”

“Yes! She’s been making references to texts I’ve sent to female friends. She’s made too many references for it to be a coincidence.”

“Were they flirty texts?”

“No. Just, like, work related things. Or errand things.”

Just then our cheese burgers and fries arrived. Stormy went on while I dug in.

“She follows me if I leave our apartment. Last night I went to the laundromat near our apartment and she followed me and watched me do the laundry.”

“Wow.” I said

“Faith…there’s more.” He said. His voice had shifted and my ears perked.

“What?” I asked.

“She thinks I’m cheating on her…”

“Yeah you said that already.” I said absentmindedly waving a fry.

“…With you.”

“WHAT!? WHY!?”

“Because of that night I came over to hang out. She thinks we’ve been seeing each other behind her back ever since. She’s CRAZY Faith!”

“Stormy, I don’t need this right now!”

“I’m sorry, Faith. I just wanted to get away from her for a few hours, I didn’t know she’d jump to such an assumption!”

“Tell her we’re not seeing each other.” I said frantically.

“She doesn’t believe me. I’ve tried.”

“Then I’ll tell her. I’m sure this private lunch you wanted to have is probably not helping ease her suspicions.”

“Faith, she won’t believe you either. I told you she’s CRAZY. She won’t listen to anyone.”

“Why did you want to tell me this?”

“I was worried she’d bring it up at work and you’d be caught off guard.”

“That’s the only reason?”

“No. Not…not exactly.”

Stormy suddenly avoided my eyes.

“What is it?”

“I’m going to sump her…soon…and I…I’m going to need a place to stay. You’re the only person I’m friends with that Rose doesn’t know the address of.”

“Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t keep the anger out of my voice.

Stormy looked defeated; like he didn’t have anything else to lose.

“How long would you need to stay?” I asked, my voice softening a bit.

“A few weeks. Long enough for me to find a new apartment, get off the lease of Rose’s apartment, and get all of my stuff moved around.”

“When are you planning on doing this?”

“I’m not sure; I’m waiting for a good time, when she’s distracted or something. Soon, though. Really soon. I might go crazy myself, if I don’t get away from her.”

I sighed.

“Okay.” I shrugged wearily, “You can sleep on my couch for awhile. But if I want time alone with my boyfriend you need to go get some coffee or something.” I joked weakly.

Stormy looked a little more at ease than he had been. I think knowing that he had somewhere he could go if he needed to helped lift some weight off of his shoulders.

To tell or not to Tell

I was supposed to go out with Randy tonight but I cancelled on him. To be honest I completely forgot until he showed up at my door to pick me up.

“Hey.” He said, his smile fading from his face when he saw me dressed in my pajama pants and light hoodie.

“Oh my God…I totally forgot about our date tonight.”

“That’s okay, I’ll wait for you to get ready.”

“Actually…can we do a rain check? I’m not feeling all that great right now.”

“Oh, well I’ve heard the flu is starting to make the rounds, did you get a flu shot?”

“No.” I said.

Randy told me to get better and brought me some soup about an hour ago but I’m not feeling sick. I just feel horrendously guilty about what happened with Sean and didn’t feel like trying to hide the overwhelming guilt from Randy. I can’t talk to anyone about this. If I told any of the girls they would freak out and tell me how crazy I am for sleeping with him again.

Not only that, but Sean called me yesterday. I didn’t answer and he didn’t leave a message. I think it would have been a bad decision to answer. I can’t hide forever, though. Right now I’m debating on whether or not I should tell Randy what happened but I’m honestly so embarrassed and ashamed about it. I’m leaning towards not telling him, at least not until I can figure out what I need to do to deal with everything.

I Make Excellent Life Choices, Obviously

In hindsight, having sex with Sean last night was probably really, really stupid.

I was getting ready for bed last night and had just unloaded my dishwasher when someone knocked on my door. I thought it was Randy so I didn’t look through the peephole.

“What the f-” I was shocked to see Sean on the other side of the door and the sentence caught in my throat before I could finish it. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

“Okay, please don’t close the door.” He said almost as soon as I had opened it, “I just wanted to get some of the stuff I left here. I moved into a new apartment and figured I would get it so you don’t have to keep looking at it anymore. It’ll take me, like, five minutes.”

I stood there, braless, in my fleece pajama pants with penguins on them and an old, stained t-shirt with my hair thrown up in a messy bun and my feet in fuzzy socks and I suddenly felt self-conscious. It took me moment to say anything.

“No.” I went to close the door in his face before he called out.

“Faith, please!? I at least need to get my spare guitar, okay?” His eyes were pleading with me and when I went to pull the door I caught a smell of his cologne.

“F-fine.” I said stepping aside.

He walked past me with a box in his hand that I hadn’t noticed before and started quickly moving through my apartment collecting things. He grabbed his spare guitar in its case that was in my hall closet, a bathroom bag that was in my linen closet, a handheld video game set that was in the cupboard under my television, and so many other things that I had blocked out had originally belonged to him. He came out of my room carrying an armful of clothes slung over the box and in danger of falling.

“I can get you a bag for those.” I said with my arms crossed, almost as if I was cold.

“Y-you don’t have to.” He said heaving the pile up to get a better grip and panting.

“Sean, I am capable of being an adult, here. Let me get you a bag.”

“Okay.” I went to the kitchen and found a cloth grocery bag. He followed me in there and we stood in silence while we folded some clothes.

The silence got to be too much to stand so I made small talk.

“I heard you were back in town. I’m sorry to hear about the hiatus and your record label problems.” I said folding a pair of pants.

“Yeah, I’ve been here for awhile. Hopefully the hiatus won’t be too long.” He was folding a shirt and was doing a poor job of it so I shooed him away and did it over. He leaned against the counter.

“How is Karen?” I asked almost immediately regretting it and speeding up my folding.

“She’s…fine.”

“Are you guys living together?”

“Faith, we don’t need to do this.”

“It’s fine.” I said shrugging.

“We are.”

“Oh.” I said with my voice tight, “That’s good. Are you excited about being a dad?”

“I’m kind of terrified, actually.”

“My boyfriend has a kid and he makes it look so easy sometimes. I’m sure you’ll be a good dad, Sean.” And I realized that I was truly sincere.

“Oh, you have…you’re seeing someone now?” He said.

“Yeah. You’re not the only one who has moved on.”

“Oh, of course…I didn’t mean to….Faith…I’m sorry how we left things.”
I finished my folding and sighed.

“I am, too, Sean. I wish things had gone differently.” I handed him the bag of folded clothes, “Do you need me to help load this stuff in your car or call you a cab?”

“No, I can do that when I get down stairs.”

“Okay.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Okay, so I should go, then.” He said grabbing his guitar case and the box on the counter.

“Take care, Sean.”

I went in to awkwardly hug him good-bye. He tried to hug me back but with all the stuff in his arms, it was kind of impossible so he just kissed me on my forehead. I looked up with my arms still around his waist and our lips touched. Sean placed the box back on the counter, dropped the bag on the floor and slid the guitar case off his shoulder without breaking contact. I moved my hands up to his shoulders; his hands were in my hair, pressing me to him. We broke apart when things got really heated.

“Uhm.” I said with my fingers on my mouth.

“I…that was….we probably…I should probably…”

“Shut up, Sean.” I said pulling him against me.

We backed into my bedroom as he took my shirt off and I slid off his jacket. He took off his shirt as I unzipped his jeans and took of my ridiculously unsexy socks. In seconds we were on my bed completely naked, his head between my legs. From there everything is a blur. I remember him gripping the head board and I knocked over one of my lamps but we ended up tangled in my sheets panting and laying next to each other at the end of it all.

The realization of what I had just done hit me almost immediately after and with about as much force as a ton of bricks.

“Y-you should go.” I said.

“What? Why? We just had a great time.” He said turning on his side to look at me.

“This can never happen again.” I said pulling the sheets around me tighter and avoiding his eyes.

“I’m still in love with you, Faith.”

“You’re going to be a dad, Sean. You just cheated on the mother of your child. I’m assuming you guys are a couple?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“Meaning she thinks you are but you’re only there because of the thing currently inside of her?”

“Faith, what do you want me to say? I wanted you to be the mother of my children. This….everything…This isn’t what I wanted my life to be like.”

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.

“And this is what I wanted for mine? I can’t be with you, Sean. I just spent the past four months trying to move on and I can’t fall back into a relationship with you. This, what we just did, can’t happen again.”

“Faith, we don’t need to tell anyone, this might help us both move on.”

“You should go. Karen is going to wonder where you are, it’s almost midnight.”

Sean tried to touch my shoulder but I got up and left my bedroom and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. When I came out, he was gone, along with all of his things except a sweater that I found under my comforter which had been thrown on the floor. I slept on the couch since it was too late for me to do laundry and I didn’t want to sleep in a bed that still smelled like him.

I don’t really know what to do.

For Starters

My birthday was uneventful this year, which was good considering what happened a year ago around my birthday. My parents sent me a birthday card and the girls took me out to dinner to celebrate. It was a nice low-key get-together and exactly what I wanted. I went out to dinner with Randy tonight to celebrate a belated birthday with him and we had “the talk.”

“So, I’ve stopped seeing other people.” I said trying to sound nonchalant over our bruschetta appetizer.

“You have?” He said keeping his voice calm, “So, are you trying to tell me we’re exclusive now?”

“Yeah.” I said lightly touching his arm, “Except, I think we should take things slow. I like Teddy a lot but I don’t want him to be…” I couldn’t think of the best way to say what I wanted but Randy chimed in.

“You don’t want him to be hurt if things don’t work out.”

“Yeah.” I said exhaling with relief, “I mean, he is adorable and a great kid but…”

“No you’re right. We should be realistic about this. Sometimes relationships don’t work out and it’s better to just acknowledge that sometimes there can be repercussions, especially when kids are involved. I get it. We’ll go slow and introduce Teddy to what we have when we both feel okay about it.”

“Thanks for understanding, Randy. How late is the babysitter staying?” I asked with a seductive not to my voice.

Unfortunately Randy couldn’t stay the night but we did have time to do some fooling around in my apartment before he had to go relieve the babysitter. I wish Randy was a little more adventurous with the sex stuff. It’s not…bad or anything it’s just very vanilla. It makes me feel like we’re one of those married couples that only have sex with the lights off, straight-missionary, and nothing else. Sometimes I get the vibe that he feels guilty when he’s with me, like he feels like he’s cheating on his dead wife or something. Now that I can officially call him my boyfriend, I figure we should have a talk about this the next time he stays the night.

Author's Note

Modern Day Faith will be returning on Monday to its regular schedule (a post every M, W, F). I apologize for not posting as much as I wanted to, but finals were pretty difficult this semester and I really needed to focus on them.

I'm healing okay from my wisdom teeth surgery from Friday and have started catching up on Faith! I think you'll all really love what I have planned! (Or you'll love to hate it!)

-del

Say My Name

Chris came over last night and I think it’s safe to say we broke up. He ended up storming out of my apartment, told me not to call him again, and slammed the door as he left. It was my fault, too.

Chris came over for dinner, I ordered Chinese, and things started heading toward the bedroom. When we got there he whispered in my ear.

“You know that thing we talked about?”

“No.”

“You know, about going down on you?”

“Oh, that…yeah, what about it?”

“I think I should try it.”

“Oh….OH.” I said as he started trailing kisses down my neck.

Within a few seconds his head was between my legs and I was laying on the edge of my bed with my hands in his hair. For someone who doesn’t do this kind of thing, Chris was really good. So good that I called him Sean by mistake in the heat of the moment.

He immediately stopped and looked up.

“What did you say?”

I had frozen as soon as the name had escaped my lips.

“Uh…n-nothing. I said don’t stop.” I tried to cover feebly.

“No you didn’t you called me some other dude’s name. You called me Sean!”

“It was just a slip.” I said sitting up and trying to fix the damage.

“Who is he?” Chris was getting even angrier.

“We don’t have to do this….we can just go back to-”

“Who is he!?”

“Uhm,” I blew my hair out of my eyes, “My ex-”

“Your ex!?”

“-Fiancé.”

“WHAT!? Oh I am SO out of here.” He pushed himself off the floor and hurriedly started walking to the door while tucking his shirt in.

“Chris, listen, we broke up months ago! It was just a slip, okay?”

“NO! It is NOT okay. I don’t want you to call me again; I don’t want to hear from you. I’m done. Bye, Faith.”

And with that he was gone. I wish I could say I felt bad (I mean…I do feel bad about calling him Sean but not about our break-up) but I just wasn’t all that attached to Chris. He was fun. But that’s about it. He kind of lacked substance and honestly he was pretty wrong for me. So I guess Randy and I are exclusive now. It’s a shame, really. Chris was getting to be pretty good in bed; Randy is still sort of boring. I’m working on that, though.

Author's Note

Hello readers!
I'm doing okay but I have finals coming up and a lot of schoolwork has piled on top of me. I'm not going to stop posting temporarily again because you've all been so wonderful and patient and supportive but the schedule is going to be put on hiatus. Instead, I'm just going to post when I can, rather than every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'll try to have at least one post a week until my finals are over and I recover from my surgery on the 16th (it's not a big deal, just wisdom teeth getting yanked).

Thanks for your patience and understanding; I know this is annoying. I figured this was the best way to compromise your love of the blog and my real life responsibilities without putting the blog on hiatus again.

-del

Birthday Barbecue

Zoey’s birthday was a smashing success. The barbecue was great, Wesley really knows his way around a grill and Molly even brought Calvin with her. Anna and Theo came with the twins which was a nice surprise. I figured they would have gotten a babysitter but it was fun having the twins there. Calvin is really hot. He has dark hair and eyes and he’s pretty buff. He talked about some of the shows he’s been in and it sounds like he’s really starting to make a name for himself in the city. At one point in the evening Molly and I were alone in the kitchen putting the candles on Zoey’s cake per Wesley’s request and I decided to ask about Calvin.

“So since he’s your date does that mean you two had the big important talk about being a couple?” I asked counting out the candles.

“No.” She said, “I just thought he’d want to come and get free food.”

“Meeting the friends is a big first step.”

“I guess so.” She shrugged.

“I don’t get it. How can you guys be in such a non-committed relationship?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It just works for us.”

“Is he afraid of commitment?” I asked looking for a lighter in one of the drawers.

“No.”

“Are you?” I asked finally finding the lighter.

“No. We just…aren’t labeling what we have.” She said.

“But are you seeing anyone else?” I asked.

“No. We’re comfortable, Faith. We’re comfortable with where we are right now and we don’t need to label it in order to make it what it already is. You know?”

“But how can you both be on the same page if neither one of you ever talk about your relationship?” I asked lifting the cake and carefully walking to the dining room door.

“We just know.” She said.

A round of “Happy Birthday” followed and Zoey opened her gifts. Everyone started mingling again and I continued my conversation with Molly.

“I just don’t get it.” I said, “Randy wants to have that talk with me, about being exclusive, but you and Calvin just know? And you’re okay with that?”

Molly thought about it before answering.

“I really am. I don’t know what’s going to happen between Calvin and I but I think what we have right now is on a good path and I don’t want to think about the future. I like what I have right now and I’m fine with us not having the big talk.”

Just then Calvin came over and Molly started talking to him. I went to go play with the twins. About an hour later everyone from the party dispersed and wished Zoey a “Happy Birthday”. I find Molly’s relationship so odd but I probably shouldn’t be judging her relationship since I’m sick of people judging what I do with mine.

Shock and Awe

I was freaking out about my date with Randy at work. I was so distracted and kept looking at my phone every five minutes but he never sent me a text cancelling so I got ready when I got home from work and waited until he picked me up. The knock on my door seemed hesitant and was quiet. When I opened it he was dressed nicely which I took to be a god sign.

“Hey,” I said smiling and hiding my surprise that he wasn’t standing me up, “Let me just grab my coat.”

“Actually can we talk in your apartment first?” He asked.

“Oh. Okay.” I said stepping backwards and letting him inside.

He went and sat on the couch and I sat in a chair.

“Look, I think I should explain about this morning…” I said hoping to get everything over with.

“Faith, I don’t care that you’re seeing other guys. We’ve never talked about being exclusive with each other but I just wanted to let you off the hook because you seemed pretty freaked out this morning.”

My mouth was hanging open and he continued talking while I sat there silently.

“I’ll admit that I was pretty jealous and maybe even hurt at first but then I realized how inappropriate that was. You aren’t my girlfriend and I have no claim to you. Even if you were my girlfriend it doesn’t mean I own you but I would hope we would agree upon monogamy if we were dating exclusively.”

“O-okay.” I said absolutely shocked.

“But,” He said taking a deep breath, “I would like to be exclusive with you.”

He sat back and waited for my reply which didn’t come because I was still so shocked that he wasn’t livid and accusing me of cheating on him. He decided to start talking again.

“I know that you probably want to think about it but I just wanted to put it out there so I’m clear about what I’m looking for with you and where I’d like to see this go.”

“O-okay.” I said wondering if I had just agreed to be exclusive with Randy or not.

“Should we go?” He asked standing up. I followed him and grabbed my coat. We went out to dinner and had a nice time. It wasn’t awkward at all but I’m still so amazed that Randy was okay with me seeing other people. I think seeing me with someone else may have sparked something in Randy because he was very affectionate when I invited him in for a piece of pie at the end of our date. He couldn’t stay because the babysitter needed to leave soon so we didn’t have sex but there was definitely some heavy petting and some really hot kissing and touching.

(Author's note: My mom was hit head-on by a drunk driver on Friday afternoon when she was driving back to the elementary school she works at after her lunch break. This is going to be the last post for about a week or so. My mom is going to be okay and will make a full recovery but I've got to place my full focus on my family and not on the blog for right now. Please feel free to speculate about what's going to happen in the comments until I can split my focus back to this blog. I'm sorry, it feels like this blog is never going to catch up with real time. This year has been pretty terrible overall and this Friday has just been the cap to the worst year ever. See you guys in a week or two. -del)

Booty Call Upset

I participated in something last night that can only be summed up as a Booty Call. I was sitting in my living room watching television after dinner and eyed my phone Chris sent me a text:

I’m studying anatomy 2nite & it sux

I was in a mischievous mood so I sent one back to him:

I could help you study. You could come over and study my body instead of the ones in your textbook.

A few minutes later he sent me another text:

U R soooo distracting

I sent Chris another dirty text and it spiraled into a flurry of really hot ones, some of them even made me blush. Eventually he came over and ripped my clothes off. The sex with him is getting better and it’s definitely hotter than it is with Randy. I think that’s because I like spontaneity and Randy can’t be hugely spontaneous because of Teddy but I also think Randy just need to let loose when it comes to sex.

I finally had an orgasm with Chris the third time we had sex last night. We were both exhausted and collapsed onto my bed still entangled with each other.

“You know I don’t regret studying for my anatomy test tomorrow. At all.”

“So this was worth it?” I giggled.

“Uh-huh.” He said nuzzling my neck and rolling on top of me for another round.

Chris’s energy is one thing that’s a perk about dating a guy so much younger than me.

I made coffee in the morning for him while he took a shower and we got pretty intense again in my kitchen when I handed him a cup of it. I actually had to change the tights I was wearing because they were ripped apart and my skirt was so wrinkled from being bunched around my hips that I had to change that, too.

“Sorry about that.” He said when I came out of my bedroom, “and I’m sorry about ripping these last night.” He held up a torn pair of my underwear that had apparently landed on the counter when he took them off me last night in the hallway.

“That’s okay.” I said giving him a seductive smile and throwing the pair of underwear away, “I should probably just stop wearing them when I’m around you.”

We left my apartment together but had to depart in opposite directions so he could go to school and I could go to work. He pulled me in for a kiss before leaving and then waved as he got into a cab. But I was too frozen to wave back. Randy was standing in front of our building and saw the whole thing. Our date tonight should be interesting…

Author's Note

Hello readers,

Don't worry, I'm not postponing posting.

I wanted to see if anyone was good at website design. I want to vamp up Faith's blog but I am woefully ignorant on how to design for Blogspot past what it looks like now.

Are any of you interested in designing a look for this site? I will give you credit and probably link to your blog, if you have one and want it on here.

If you're interested, you can send me an e-mail at: moderndayfaith at gmail dot com
Only just put in the dots and the @ sign.

-del

Faith the Green-Eyed Monster

I feel like I’m in a good place right now. Things with Chris and Randy are going well and work is okay. I have a date this Friday night with Randy and a date on Saturday night with Chris. Things are still somewhat tense with the girls but they’re just being unnecessarily judgmental. Anyway, Zoey’s birthday is coming up and the four of us were talking about what she should do for it over dinner.

“You could have a dinner party.” Molly suggested.

“I don’t think I want to cook for a bunch of people on my birthday especially when Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m planning on having Thanksgiving at my house since Anna id it last year.”

“You don’t have to do Thanksgiving.” Molly said, “I could do it.

“I want to, especially since we’re all going to be in town for it.”

“Well, except for me.” Anna said. It’s the twins’ first Thanksgiving so Anna and Theo are going to his parents’ place for Thanksgiving and they’re going to her parents’ place for Christmas.

“I was thinking I’d just book a table at a nice restaurant or have a barbecue. Wesley likes to grill, so it would be a win-win if we went that route.” Zoey said.

“A barbecue sounds fun. Do you have the space at your apartment, though?” I asked.

“No, but Wesley does. He actually just moved into a townhouse with a yard.”

“Oh, you never told us that.” Molly said.

“It just happened and it wasn’t planned. His lease was about to come up and he saw this great deal by chance when he took a wrong turn driving to a photo shoot. I only found out a few days ago. I’ve been helping him unpack.”

Zoey told us all about Wesley’s new townhouse and it sounded like the perfect place to hold a barbecue.

“You should definitely have your birthday there.” Anna said.

“I’m sold. I’m having a barbecue. Although, it’ll be a little too chilly to eat outside but that’s okay because the dining room is huge. We could probably get a little bon fire going out in the yard after dusk in one of those earthenware outdoor fireplaces.”

“If you want help decorating or if you want people to bring dishes, you let me know.” Molly said. Anna nodded.

We didn’t talk about my dating life at all and it was really obvious that the three of them were avoiding it as a topic. I mostly talked about work and I told them about my friend date with Stormy and his unfortunate living situation.

“He doesn’t feel like the space is really his because all of his stuff is in storage. Rose sounds like a horrible person to live with.”

“You know, I’ve heard that’s a common problem when people move in together. If you move into your boyfriend’s apartment it never really feels like yours because it used to be only theirs.” Zoey said.

“Theo and I didn’t have that problem when he moved in with me just after graduating from college but I went out of my way to make him feel comfortable. He was there so much before he moved in that it wasn’t a huge transition. But now we live in our townhouse and it belongs to both of us equally. Both of us have our own space. He has his office and I have my craft room. It worked out really well.”

“And see Stormy doesn’t have that because Rose took the spare bedroom for herself. All of it is hers. Honestly, it sounds like he’s still living out of his suitcase because she won’t even give up her closet space.”

“Well, that’s not going to last.” Molly said, “I mean, it sounds like they are on the fast track to a break-up.”

“I’m sure they are.” I said realistically. I didn’t say that to Stormy when he was at my place but I think it was definitely the elephant in the room.

“Wesley and I have been talking about moving in together. I think the townhouse is so new that it would pretty much feel like both of ours. I’ve been considering it since he told me about it. I only have one more month before my lease expires.”

“Well, you guys have been together for over a year. And the timing seems right.” Anna said.

Zoey spoke more about the pros and cons of moving in with Wesley but I wasn’t paying attention. When she announced that she was thinking about moving in with him I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I’m ashamed to say that I’m jealous of her. Zoey has a near perfect relationship with Wesley. She has never mentioned them fighting, she has never needed me to pick her back up because he cheated on her like she did with me when Sean told me he’d slept with someone else, she’s never needed to vent about something he did that annoyed her…and everyone else is in a relationship except for me. But not just any relationship, they’re in good, healthy ones where trust exists and being content with each other is a normal feeling. I want that and I’m jealous of my friends because they have it (even if Molly refuses to call her relationship with Calvin what it is, it’s still a healthy relationship between two people who don’t want to talk about commitment yet).

Later, I decided to console myself and called Chris. He convinced me to go over to his place.

I was laying in Chris’s bed at the frat house cuddling with him after sex. Since he’s an officer for his Frat, he gets his own room which was the only reason I had agreed to go back to his place in the first place. Chris is much better in bed than Randy is but neither one of them is really getting me where I want to go, if you catch the drift. I think with Randy, he’s just not used to having sex with other women besides his wife but with Chris, I think it’s because of his lack of imagination. So while we were cuddling on his bed under the covers I decided to try and widen his imagination.

“Have you ever gone down on a woman before?” I asked out of the blue.

Chris was shocked and sort of embarrassed at my question.

“Are you blushing?” I teased.

“No!” He said, “I’m just hot.”

“Okay,” I said smirking, “Well, have you?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Have you ever wanted to?” I asked laying my hand on his chest.

“Uh, no. That’s gross.”

“Excuse me?” I said looking at him, “Do you think what I just did to you was gross?”

“Well no, but that’s different.”

“How is it any different?”

“Because with dudes it’s like the perfect shape and with chicks there’s hair and you have to get up in there…yeah gross, I’m not going to stick my nose anywhere near that .” He said matter-of-factly.

“Um, you’re not waxed down there and guys don’t always smell like daisies, either.” I pointed out, “Plus what kind of porn are you watching? You don’t stick your nose-”

“It’s just gross.”

“Apparently not too gross if you’re willing to put your pe-”

“Well, my face isn’t down there. I don’t have to look at it.”

“Okay.” I shrugged, “But I bet if you did go down on women you’d have all sorts of girls wanting to sleep with you.”

“You say that like we’re not going to be together for very long.” He said.

“Well, we’re just having fun for right now. I’m not thinking of the future. Are you?”

“I guess not.” He said with a shrug, “You’re not like other girls. Other girls always want to talk about where the relationship is going and stuff. But you’re fine to just chill.”

“Uh. Thanks.” I said.

After a few more minutes of cuddling I got up to go to the bathroom which was down the hall. I put on one of Chris’s t-shirts hanging on the back of a chair and walked down the hall to loud cat calls and whistles from rooms with the door open. I’m never staying over again. The walk to the bathroom combined with my departure in the morning was enough to make sure I never do again. College boys are so immature and gross.

Questionnaire

I had a date with Randy last night. It was THE night. Honestly, we had a great time but sex with Randy was…underwhelming. It was nice, but it was very vanilla and just alright. He seemed really nervous, though, so I think once he gets a little more comfortable things will get a little better and if not, I can be vocal about what I want if I need to be. We fell asleep together and I woke up in Randy’s arms. Unfortunately he had to go shortly after waking up to relieve the babysitter. He gave me a kiss before asking if we could see each other again and I obviously said yes. We’re actually going to a movie next weekend…Randy scheduled a sleep over at a friend’s for Teddy.

During our date, though, Randy started asking me questions about my life and dating.

“Do you not date a lot?” He asked taking a sip of wine.

“No, I’m a pretty active dater, why?” I asked putting herb butter on the warm bread our waiter had brought.

“Well…I’m just really surprised that you were single when I asked you out.” He said.

“Oh. Um. Well, to be honest, Randy, I was in a relationship until a few months ago. Things didn’t work out, though.”

“Oh.” He said almost with an air of judgment.

“To be fair,” I said before he could make any snap judgments, “the relationship had ended much earlier than our official break-up. We were barely even together for the last few months of it. I only saw him a few times over the last few months.”

“Oh, I’ve had a few relationships like that.” He said.

I almost let out a sigh of relief.

“Before my wife, of course.”

I was hesitant to ask Randy my next question but it slipped out before I could stop myself.

“Randy, how many relationships have you had since she passed away?”

“A few. Only one serious one, though. I’ve been more careful about my relationships since that one, though. Normally I don’t introduce Teddy to anyone until we’ve gotten a lot more serious because it’s hard for him to really understand what’s going on.” His eyes got wide like he thought he’d said something wrong, “That’s not to say that I think you and I have reached that point, you were just the only person besides Stacy I could have watch him on such short notice with us being new to the neighborhood and the building and everything.”

I touched Randy’s hands as he continued to ramble nervously.

“It’s okay, Randy. I wasn’t going to jump to a conclusion like that and freak out.” I smiled, “I really like Teddy, though, for what it’s worth.”

“I don’t know how he turned out the way he did. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Being a single parent is really hard and my wife was such a good mom. She was just so good with him. I try to live up to her parenting skills but I’m sure I fall short a lot of the time.”

“I think you’re a great dad.” I said.

Randy looked like he was really touched. Just then our food came and we started raving about how delicious it was and the conversation continued to flow easily until we made it back to my apartment and our mouths were too busy to continue talking.

Faith the Friend

Stormy came over last night for our friend date. (Don’t worry. I didn’t sleep with him or even make out with him.). The pizza arrived about five minutes after he did. I handed him a chilled beer and told him to make himself comfortable on the couch.

“Are we really going to watch Project Runway!?” He whined.

“Yes.” I said turning the television on, “Pizza’s here. I’ll be right back.”

When I came back Stormy was grudgingly watching the end of the rerun of last week’s Project Runway episode.

“I got pepperoni and some garlic bread.” I said flipping the box open on the coffee table and handing him a plate.

We sat back and watched the opening montage for the new episode in a comfortable silence.

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked after awhile.

“Sure.”

“Are you really not getting back together with your ex?”

“Doubtful.” I said flatly.

“Huh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. You just put a lot into that relationship. It’s hard to think it’s totally over.”

“Well it is. In fact I’ve been dating several guys since the break-up and it’s been great.”

Stormy looked like he was thinking about how to respond but then he shrugged.

“Nice.” He said nonchalantly with an approving nod.

“Now can I ask you a question?” I asked.

“Okay.”

“How is living with Rose, really? And why weren’t you honest about it yesterday at lunch?” I asked grabbing a piece of garlic bread.

“Well,” he said slowly chewing his pizza, “Steve and Suzy are pretty good friends with Rose because all three of them are huge gossips.”

“I’ve noticed” I took a sip of beer, “Although I always knew that about Suzy.”

“I didn’t want to say what it was really like because I knew it’d get back to Rose and living with her is already…tense.”

“Why?” I asked curiously.

“Because. All of my stuff is still in storage. I feel like I’m just staying there, not like I actually live there. Everything in the apartment except for my bathroom stuff and clothes are hers.”

“So you don’t feel like you have your own space?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“I thought Rose had a roommate? What happened to the room they used to live in? Couldn’t you have your own space there?”

“Well I could,” he said darkly, “But it’s like Rose forgot I was moving in and bought a bunch of office furniture so the extra room is hers.”

“Ouch.”

“I know. It just sucks. She freaks out over everything.”

“Like what?”

“Like she got pissed about a week after I moved in because I bought some beer and put it in the fridge. She doesn’t want me to buy ‘stuff like that’ now that I live with her.”

“Whoa. What does that mean exactly?” I asked.

“Basically, anything that she doesn’t approve of.”

“But Rose drinks. We’ve been to the bar together after work.” I pointed out.

“I know. But she’s, like, really weird about her home. She doesn’t want any alcohol in the house and Steve just convinced her to go vegetarian last week. I brought home some steaks for us to grill up and she locked herself in our bedroom for three hours sobbing hysterically before she’d tell me what I did wrong.”

I stared at Stormy because I didn’t know what to say. After a brief silence:

“Um. Maybe…she needs to be on some kind of medication.” I suggested.

“I don’t know. All I know is that when you invited me over I was excited simply because it meant I wouldn’t have to be around her. And she put up a huge stink about it, too. When I get home she’ll probably yell or cry some more.”

“More?”

“Oh yeah. I told her yesterday when we got home from work and I ended up sleeping on the couch.”

“Sorry. If I’d known-”

“No. Thank you! I needed to get out of there for a few hours.”

We sat and watched the television until a commercial break.

“Do you want some ice cream?” I asked.

“Sure!”

I handed him the bowl of ice cream a few minutes later and Stormy dug in.

“You know,” he said, “That Tim guy is awesome. I wish he could just live with me and give me hugs and say encouraging things.”

I giggled.

“I knew you’d like it.” I said.

“Shut up. Don’t tell anyone else about this!”

“Okay. Okay!” I said, “Not a soul.”

Too bad he doesn’t know I have a blog and didn’t say anything about typing it.

: )

Friend Date

Randy and I have a date this weekend. I’m looking forward to it for obvious reasons. Chris and I went to dinner last night and I noticed that he was checking out a lot of girls while we were eating. I’m not even sure he heard a word I said. It annoyed me. And I know that sounds stupid because we’re not in a serious relationship and I’m dating other guys but it’s kind of rude to be on a date with someone and basically have your eyes glued to the waitress’s ass, right?

I was so annoyed that I didn’t invite him up to my apartment when he dropped me off and I’m pretty sure it bothered him somewhat. Whatever.

Anyway work has been…rocky lately. I don’t think our subscribers are really embracing the new all-digital concept we’re planning on moving to. I heard Tanya and Todd talking about the feedback from some test groups and it wasn’t good. The staff likes it, though. We’re planning on launching it to all of our subscribers in another week or so and we’ve already started advertising it. Stormy has even teased about it on air and put his support behind it.

My lunch group and I were chatting over lunch and Steve asked Stormy about Rose unexpectedly.

“How is Rose, Stormy? Are you liking co-habitation?

Stormy looked like he had to think pretty hard about the phrasing before he said anything.

“It’s…different living with a girl 24/7. I had to put most of my stuff in storage so it’s mostly just her stuff and I…nevermind.”

Stormy got really quiet all of a sudden and then shrugged noncommittally.

“It’s fine. I’m just getting used to it.” He said finally.

I eyed him suspiciously but the conversation moved on. When all of us were getting up to go back to work I pulled him aside.

“Do you want to get a pizza and some beers and come over some time?” I asked.

He looked at me uncertainly.

“Oh, God! No! Not as a date…as, like, a friend hang out thing.” I said trying to make it less weird.

“Um. Yeah, okay. How about tomorrow?”

“Awesome! We can watch Project Runway!” I said.

Stormy groaned.

“It’s a great show!” I said, “I’ll pay for the pizza and beers.”

“Fine.” He said grudgingly.

So I have a friend date tomorrow night with Stormy. Maybe he’ll open up about the Rose thing. Either way, it’ll be nice to not be around a friend who’s going to judge me. Anna, Molly, and Zoey aren’t invited, obviously.

Breakfast Companions

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. It sounded important by the way they kept hammering on. I wrapped myself in a robe and stumbled to the door with bed-head and bleary eyes.

“Randy?”

“Faith, I’m sorry did I wake you?” He asked.

“Uh, no, I was just…”

There was a beat. Randy decided to get to the point.

“I was just called into a huge meeting at work and-”

“It’s Saturday…” I said yawning.

“I know, apparently a huge client came into town and wants to have a meeting with the majority of the staff working on their dime. I’m one of them.”

“Okay…” I said not following where he was going.”

“Look, I normally wouldn’t ask this on such short notice but my babysitter, Stacy, can’t come in today. Do you think you could watch Teddy for a few hours?”

“What?” I said a little more awake.

“It would just be for a few hours and he’s still sleeping. I’ll get back as soon as I can.” He said urgently.

“Um…okay.” I said hesitantly.

I looked down at my clothes. I was wearing fuzzy bunny slippers, pink checkered pajama pants, a lacy camisole, and my silk robe. With no bra. This wasn’t exactly how I planned to meet Randy’s son.

“You will!?” Randy said ecstatically.

“Sure. Let me go change my shirt and brush my teeth.” I said wiping sleep out of my eyes and turning around in the foyer.

“You are a lifesaver, Faith!”

Ten minutes later I was sitting on Randy’s couch with a cup of coffee. Randy gave me a kiss on the forehead before he left. I must have drifted off because the next thing I knew I woke up to a pair of big brown eyes staring at me. I jumped.

“Whoa! Uh…hey there Teddy…”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Faith. I live upstairs. Your dad asked me to watch you for a little while so he could go to a meeting.”

“I’m hungry.” He said shrugging his shoulders, climbing onto the couch, and turning on the Saturday morning cartoons.

“Um. Okay. What would you like?”

“Scrambled eggs!”

“Okay.” I said getting up and going into the kitchen.

It took me awhile but I found everything I needed and within 30 minutes there were scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast sitting on the dining room table with two glasses of chocolate milk.

“Okay. Breakfast is ready, Teddy.”

I heard his footsteps running towards the kitchen and saw him bounding around the corner. He looked really excited.

“My dad never makes scrambled eggs!” He said excitedly.

“Well, he’s a busy guy.” I smiled and started spooning eggs onto his plate.

“My mom used to make them all the time.” He looked down sadly.

I didn’t know what to say so I changed the subject.

“Do you want butter or jelly on your toast?”

About an hour later Randy came home.

“Hey big guy.” He said when Teddy ran up to him and gave him a hug, “Faith treating you okay?”

“She made eggs!” Teddy yelled happily.

“She did? Well did you say thank you?”

Teddy suddenly looked shy, turned towards me, and murmured a “thank you”. Randy told him to go play with his toys in his room and he was gone in seconds.

“He’s cute.” I said.

“Thanks for making breakfast. You really didn’t ha-”

“I wanted to.” I said, “There are some leftovers if you’re interested.”

Randy nodded and I went to heat the eggs and bacon up while a piece of bread was working in the toaster.

“Thanks.” He said as I poured him a glass of orange juice.

“How did the meeting go?” I asked.

“Really well. Thanks.” He said as I put the plate down in front of him.

We talked for awhile before I decided to go back upstairs. Randy walked me to his door.

“I really appreciate this, Faith.” He said holding my hand.

“No problem.” I said smiling.

He leaned in and kissed me softly. We broke away and he looked down.

“Cute slippers.”

I laughed and then turned to leave. He followed me out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

“Faith, I’d like to take you out on another date sometime soon.”

“Sure. Just call me later, okay?”

“Um.” Randy was blushing.

“What?”

“I’m thinking about asking Stacy to stay the night with Teddy. W-would that be okay with you?”

I looked down and blushed.

“That would be fine.”

Dream Date

Chris and I have been out a few times and he is pretty good in bed, but he’s not very creative. I’ll chock that up to being young, though. His eyes just haven’t been opened to all the possibilities in sex yet. Randy, on the other hand, and I have gone out several times since our last date and I’m still getting excuses on why he can’t stay which is why I wasn’t very excited about our date tonight.

We were going to do the dinner and a movie thing but ended up in the ER. He picked me up at my place and kissed my cheek in greeting before we headed to the train station.

“How is Lady?” I asked making conversation.

“She’s good. I taught her how to roll over the other day.”

“I wish I could teach Murphy cool tricks like that.” I said, “What else can she do?”

“So far, I’ve been able to teach her how to lay down, speak, and sit. We’re still working on stay and handshakes, though.”

We talked about pets all the way to the movie theatre and stood in the lobby trying to decide what to see. Randy got into a playful mood while we play-argued over the best movie to see that ended with us kissing sort of passionately and then going back to debating over a rom com or a thriller. Suddenly, Randy seemed uncomfortable.

“Are you hot?” I asked. He was tugging at the collar of his shirt like he was overheated.

“Uhm…I…did you eat strawberries earlier?” He said sounding panicked.

I had to think. I had eaten some as a snack to hold me over until our date since we would be eating dinner later, after the movie.

“Yes, why?”

“I’m-I’m aller-gic to strawberries.” He was having a hard time breathing.

“Oh my God!” I said.

“Call…an..ammmbbu…”

“I whipped out my cell phone and dialed 9-1-1 as I walked Randy out to the street. He sat on a bench and focused on breathing while I relayed everything to the operator. Within minutes we were in an ambulance heading to the ER. I didn’t say anything while the paramedics gave him medicine in the cab and eventually rolled him into the ER waiting room. He looked swollen and they had put him on oxygen while we were riding to the hospital.

They took Randy back and I sat in the waiting room chairs for about an hour before a nurse came to see me.

“He’s asking for you.” She said before leading me back to his room.

He was in a gown and still on oxygen but he looked a lot better than before.

“Hey.” He said weakly.

“Hi,” I said as the nurse smiled and left, “Randy I am SO sorry. I had no idea…I never would have-”

“It’s okay. How could you have known?” He said, “I’m just sorry we aren’t here under cooler circumstances.” He laughed.

“What?”

“Well an allergy attack isn’t really manly, is it? Maybe if I’d saved a falling baby from a building or pushed someone out of the way of car I’d get some cool points or something.” He laughed again and then started coughing.

I got him some water and shook my head giggling.

“You’ve got plenty of cool points.”

“I’m sorry our date is ruined. I’ll make it up to you.” He said taking the Styrofoam cup of water.

“It’s okay, really. You can’t say it wasn’t exciting or memorable, right?” I joked weakly.

“Faith…I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” I said with trepidation.

“I…haven’t been completely honest with you.”

I’ve come to hate surprises like this they always end horribly with your boyfriend telling you he cheated on you or that the woman he cheated on you with is pregnant or that he’s engaged.

“I don’t just live with Lady. I have a son.”

I was really caught off guard; but also relieved.

“O-uhhh-oooh.” I said expecting something completely different.

“He’s 7. His mom died three years ago in a car accident. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to tell you. I didn’t want to scare you or make you feel obligated to meet him. I haven’t dated much since she died.”

“So, you’re a widower?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m…I’m so sorry Randy.”

“It’s okay. Teddy and I have done our best to move on.”

“So his name is Teddy and he’s 7?”

“Yeah. He’s in second grade.”

“You could have told me this sooner. I like kids.” I said.

“I’ve felt horrible. Every time I’ve dropped you off at your door I’ve wanted to come in but Teddy doesn’t like to be left with the baby sitter for more than a few hours and-”

“It’s okay, Randy, you don’t have to explain. I understand…really. Do you want me to call the baby sitter and let her know where you are? She’s probably expecting you back soon.”

“Could you?” He asked.

I nodded and he gave me the number. I let Randy know that she would stay until we got back and then sat with him for the next two hours while he was observed. By the time he was discharged, it was past midnight, so I called a cab to take us home. Randy dropped me off at my apartment and went to kiss me but I stopped him.

“Maybe just a hug this time?” I joked.

“Good idea. I’ll make this up to you. I’m so sorry tonight was such a wash, Faith.”

“It’s okay. Feel better, alright?” I said. He nodded, waved, and then headed toward the stairwell. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. At least now I know why Randy has been blowing off my invitations. I really hope that he accepts soon, though.

(And yes, yes I am ignoring the Sean drama for now. How could you tell?)