Smash

I sat across from Sean in my living room. He was sitting on my couch and I was sitting on my coffee table. Our talk wasn’t going well.

Tic-Talk

Adam and I stood there awkwardly in the hallway until he shook his head and went into his apartment. I stood there for a beat debating on whether I should follow him inside and address what he saw or pretend it never happened.

I sighed and walked down the hall until I reached his door. I knocked quietly.

Round 2

I opened my eyes, it was gray outside, just before dawn. Sean’s arm was slung over my hips, he was breathing deeply.

I sighed restlessly.

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

So much has happened since I last posted. I’ll start with therapy…

Relapse

On a spur of the moment, Zoey, Molly, and I decided to do a book club sort of thing together. We’ve all been meaning to read the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin but none of us have gotten around to it yet so we thought we could all read it together. Adam pointed out to me that the series hasn’t actually been finished yet, that there are still two books to be written, but these books are huge and will take me forever to get through so I think the next one will at least be published by the time I’m ready to start reading it.

Molly and I headed over to Zoey’s place early on Sunday morning to talk about the first half of the book together and have brunch.

“I think Joffrey is such a brat.” Molly said.

“Me, too. I think Tyrion is my favorite character so far.” I said knocking on Zoey’s door.

When the door opened, Zoey was not the one standing there.

“Hello ladies.”

Out in the Open

“I want you to come by the fire house and meet the guys. You could come hang out and watch a football game with us.”

“Won’t that be kind of weird?” I asked Mike.

We were eating dinner at my place and waiting for the potato casserole I made to finish baking. Mike was using a laser toy to play with Murphy from the couch.

“Why? They know about you, plus, you already met Tony.”

“Yeah, but this is, like, your boss and stuff. And I think it would be weird for you to meet Tucker or Eddie or Joe.”

“But these guys are my family, Faith. They aren’t just co-workers. And besides, I have met your Bruno pals.”

He was right. Mike has stopped by the bar a few times when it’s been slow and he’s met Cara, Bruno, and Brad.

“Come on, Faith. At the very least you could meet Dolly. We could fool around in the sleeping quarters if you get bored...”

He pulled me to him and gave me a hot kiss bet we were interrupted by the timer on the oven.

“Dinner time.” I said.

Mike pretended to be annoyed and helped me set the table while the casserole cooled. I made up a salad and got us some sodas (and fed my hungry baby) before settling down at the table.

“Okay.” I said.

“You’ll meet them?”

“Yes.” I smiled. Mike smiled back and took a moment before speaking again.

“I don’t want to scare you away or anything…and I now we haven’t been together for very long in the grand scheme of things but I’m so in love with you, Faith. I think about our future sometimes. Does that freak you out?”

“No.” I said, “I think about it, too.”

“Have you thought about maybe moving in together?” He asked.

I froze a little bit. The last time I’d had a conversation like this was with Sean and he ended up basically living with me because he sublet his apartment while he was on tour.

“Hey, whoa, I was just asking, we can pretend like I didn’t.” Mike said noticing my reaction.

“It’s…not that.” I said, “Mike, I don’t think I’ve really told you much about my past relationships. I know I told you that I was engaged to my last boyfriend and that it wasn’t very healthy but I think I owe it to you to tell you just how much damage that relationship and the one before it did to me.”

Mike looked at me with concern, put his silverware down, and held my hand. I took a deep breath and started in.

“My relationship with you is very different from what I had with Sean. And part of that is because I wanted to forget about the relationship I had before him. I dated my boss before Sean. He was engaged to someone and lied to me about it, when I broke things off he made my job a living hell and tried to hurt me when I quit. Then I met Sean; I didn’t want a relationship with him at first. We met at a bar and I went back to his hotel room and we’d had that arrangement for awhile.”

The shame I felt telling Mike this cascaded over me and my eyes welled up.

“Faith, it’s okay.” Mike rubbed my hand with his thumb.

“Almost from the beginning of our relationship, Sean lied to me; he had jealousy problems, and would constantly accuse me of lying or having feelings for my boss. This behavior only got worse when I ran into my boss at a bar and he tried to hurt me and it was bad; it’s why I have those nightmares. Sean got involved and because of that I couldn’t press charges but he turned it around and tried to use it as evidence that I still had feelings for my boss. He showed up at my work once and saw me talking to my friend, Adam, and got very upset with me. And I thought that was okay because he had to justify our relationship to his manager and almost gave up his position in the band to be with me.”

My voice shook.

“When Sean went on tour, I think I was able to see just how unhappy I was with the relationship and I think he knew it which is why he asked me to marry him. Eventually he ended up cheating on me and getting that person pregnant. But we didn’t completely break things off. Sean would still come over and…and…I was seeing someone else at the time and I feel so badly about that.”

I looked up at Mike and waited for him to start yelling but he didn’t. He just continued to listen.

“But then I called it off, for real, and I told the person I was dating, too, who chose to break it off as well. And then I found someone else and we’d had the same arrangement that Sean and I had had before we started dating and that person wanted to take things farther and the only reason we didn’t was because I’d hurt his feelings on our first actual date. So then I decided I should avoid dating for awhile which is when you entered into my life. And everything with you has been so different and I’m not afraid to tell you things like I was with Sean, I’m not afraid you’re going to make accusations like he did, you actually trust me even when I told you I lied to you that one time, and I…I don’t really know how to be in a relationship like this, I guess.”

I let out a breath and then looked at Mike with trepidation.

After a while he spoke.

“Faith, I love you.”

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say after all of that?”

Mike laughed.

“Yeah. I know you had a life before me and it would be pretty stupid of me to expect you not to be shaped by it. I love ALL of who you are and I would marry you tomorrow if I didn’t think doing so would be absolutely insane and also scare the hell out of you.”

I practically leapt across the table to kiss him and give him a hug. (We are not getting married any time soon, though!)

Friends Will Be Friends

The girls and I were having lunch on Saturday. I had just told them about the incident with Mike and Molly walking in on us and they were dying from laughter. Molly was bright red.

“I’m still so sorry.” She said.

“It’s really my fault, Molly. I need to stop having sex on couches. I mean this is, like, the third time this has happened so…”

“Geez, the THIRD time!?” Anna said.

“I guess I just like couches.” I shrugged. Molly laughed and looked more comfortable.

Our food came (I had a French Dip, Anna had a turkey club, Molly had a Rueben, and Zoey had a meatball sub. All of us had fries on the side and lemonades) and we continued the conversation after digging in.

“I don’t get it, what’s the big deal? Why can’t Molly be there? Or why can’t you guys go to his place?”

“Mike insisted we do it at my place so I would feel more comfortable, and, to be honest, being at my place does make me feel more comfortable. I can’t explain why, I think it’s a safety thing, you know? Like how many times are we told not to go to strange men’s homes? I know I know Mike much better than a stranger and that I have certainly hooked up with dudes at their places before but…still. And it’s not that Molly can’t be there, I mean, we live together so that would be an unrealistic expectation to expect her to leave every time either one of us brought someone home, I think Mike just kind of wants our first time to not have anyone around, you know?”

“And I also don’t want to be there for your guys’ first time, so I’m not complaining.” Molly said, “You guys should have that moment together and not next door to me.”

“Have you guys not been able to have sex since then?” Anna asked, surprised.

“No,” I said sadly, “I started my period and sex is pretty much the last thing I want to do right now.”

The girls all made understanding commiserations.

“So what are we doing for your birthday this year, Faith?” Zoey asked.

“I haven’t really thought about it.” I said, “I think I just want a quiet night in, nothing big. I don’t even think I want cake.”

“What!? No cake!?” Molly said dramatically.

“I don’t know, I’m just…I’m not feeling like celebrating this year, I guess. Maybe we can all just go see a movie or something.”

“Aw, that’s so lame, Faith!” Anna said.

“I know, but this year has been so…exhausting, I just want to put it behind me. I mean, Sean and I broke up and then I started dating a bunch of random dudes and then I cheated on Randy. Then Sean and I…we….well, I don’t know quite what we were doing but then we stopped seeing each other, I went on that abysmal date with Brad, I lost my job, my apartment burned down, I thought Murphy died…it’s just been a whole year of bad and I want to forget about it.”

“But there were good things, too, Faith.” Zoey said, “You got Murphy back, you got to have Molly as a roommate, you started a new career, and you met Mike. That’s not anything to sneeze at. Besides, wiping the slate clean is supposed to be a New Year’s thing, not a birthday thing. At least let us take you out for some dessert or something.”

“Let’s take her to a strip club.” Molly joked.

“Just think about it, Faith. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but we should do SOMETHING.” Anna said.

We went shoe shopping after lunch but then Anna had to go relieve the babysitter and Zoey had to go pick Wesley up from the airport (he was on an out-of-town shoot) so Molly and I went home. It was a really relaxing day. I don’t think I’ve realized quite how busy I’ve been with Mike and my two jobs and volunteering at the animal shelter…I really needed a day of just fun and friends.

Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Paths

Today was everyone’s last day. We spent most of it packing up our desks and saying good byes. Stormy is talking to me again. We’ve been on speaking terms ever since I ended things with Sean. Speaking of Sean, I haven’t heard from him at all, which I’m taking as a good sign. I’ve lined up a few interviews but I’m not sure that I even want the jobs. They’re all related to HR and after having to tell all of my friends that they don’t have jobs anymore I don’t want to work in HR again. I’ve fired people before but it was almost always because they did something that warranted firing based on the company’s policies. But laying off people I’ve grown to care about? That was so much worse and I haven’t slept well since.

I can’t exactly be picky, though. This is a hard job market to find any job in. I feel like I need a change, though. I do need to find a job soon, though. If I don’t I won’t be able to afford my rent. I have some money saved up and if I have to, I could use it to break my lease and put a down payment on a much smaller more unemployed-budget-friendly apartment. I’ve been thinking about another alternative for awhile, though, and brought up my idea to Stormy.

“Have you seen a lot of apartments?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Yeah. I’ve had to reevaluate the ones I was considering, though, what with being out of work.”

Stormy chose to void his contract with the news station (something Veronica and the investors were NOT happy about) and try freelancing as a journalist and applying to some big papers around the city.

“Well, I was thinking that maybe WE could be roommates.” I said.

“What?” Stormy looked at me skeptically.

“Come on, you’ve been living with me for awhile now. We get along. Our schedules work pretty nicely. We could afford a nicer apartment if we pooled our money.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re both unemployed. And because we have a weird relationship.”

“What? No we don’t.”

“Faith, come on. We both know that I want to be more than your friend.”

I looked away from him.

“You’re not ready. I get that. If I can’t be your boyfriend, then I’ll take being your friend but living with you permanently is probably not a good idea for us. I’m a guest in your house; things would be different if we lived together for real. Besides I think I found a good apartment. I’m planning on putting a down payment on it tomorrow.”

“Oh.” I said trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

Stormy went to pack up some of his things and I thought about what he said. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I like having Stormy as a friend but maybe he’s right. Maybe living with a dude is a dumb idea for me. I seem to mess everything up and I wouldn’t want to ruin the only friendship I have left.

Speaking of the girls, I haven’t heard from them since Zoey left my apartment. I’ve tried calling and texting and sending messages on Facebook and haven’t gotten any responses. I’ve really screwed everything up.

From the Ashes

Stormy was out at a New Year’s Eve party tonight. He’s still mad. I don’t know if he’s mad at me, per say, or if he’s just mad at the work situation overall but he told me he just wanted some space so I’ve been giving it to him. Sean came over for New Year’s Eve.

“Where’s Karen?” I asked when I let him in.

“She’s still visiting her parents and sister for the holidays.”

“And she didn’t bring you?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to go. It’s not like our relationship is one either of us wanted.”

I kind of felt sorry for Sean when he said that. We made small talk about the holidays and shared a bottle of wine while we watched the countdown on television. When the clock struck midnight, Sean went to kiss me but both of us got texts at the same time. His from Karen, mine from Stormy (a hopeful sign). I’m kind of relieved that Sean wasn’t the person I kissed at midnight this year. While he was responding to his text from Karen, I put the wine and glasses away and was struck with a fire I haven’t felt in ages.

I leaned against the living room doorway with my arms crossed and watched as Sean finished up his texting with Karen. He stood up and came over to me and then started kissing me.

But I stopped him.

“What the Hell are we doing, Sean?” I asked tiredly.

“Kissing.” He said.

I let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed my forehead with my hand.

“You’re in a relationship that you have no commitment to and I’ve allowed you to drag me into it with you. The only thing I’m getting out of this is guilt. What are you getting out of this?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I don’t want to do this anymore, Sean! I am SO unhappy with you. And you don’t even seem to CARE! Don’t you at least feel bad for betraying Karen the SAME WAY you betrayed me?”

“Like, Karen and I are going to be together for much longer.” Sean said.

I looked at Sean with horror.

“Does she even know how you feel or do you lie and pretend like everything is fine?”

“Faith, I’m trying to get through the weird twists and turns my life has taken. I never wanted any of this!”

“Yeah, but you aren’t working through it. You’re barely even addressing it! You’re going to be a DAD Sean! You can’t spend the rest of your life resenting Karen for a stupid mistake you both made together and you DEFINITELY don’t get to keep punishing me for not wanting to be included in it!”

“You think I’m punishing you?” He asked quietly and sincerely.

“That’s what it feels like for me, Sean. My friends won’t talk to me because of you. I cheated on someone I cared about with you. I have lost so much and you haven’t lost anything.”

“Faith, you are the only thing I have that reminds me of what I had before everything went to Hell.”

“Wrong. You don’t have me. You gave me up when you and Karen had sex on our anniversary and you don’t get to wallow in sadness about that because YOU made that choice. No one else. I think it’s time you accepted what is happening in your life and get your act together because my apartment isn’t going to be some weird sanctuary for you when your life gets too heavy to deal with, Sean. Not anymore. I have my own life to live and I don’t want you in it anymore.”

My words hung in the air between us.

“So, this is how you’re ending things?” He asked.

“You don’t get it, do you, Sean? We were over in August and your decisions are what ended things. You don’t get to act like I’m the one who hurt you. You need to go home to your pregnant girlfriend and nursery and grow the fuck up because I’m not going to sit here and hold your hand and give you comfort while you live two separate lives. You don’t get to live your life with me anymore. I don’t want you to call me or text me or contact me at all. I thought we could be friends somewhere down the line but I just want to be free of you and the damage you did and I can’t do that when you are constantly showing up on my doorstep reminding me of what happened all over again. I can’t begin to move on and heal when you are still around. And if you ever REALLY cared about me you would let me go.”

Sean didn’t say anything. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but never did. In the end he nodded and left. I told him good bye before I closed the door with a sense of finality I hadn’t ever had with our relationship before. I sat on the couch feeling numb for awhile until I heard Stormy come home.

“Faith?” He asked when he came around the corner of the hallway, “Are you okay?”

He sat next to me on the couch. I shook my head and started crying into his chest.

“He’s……gone…….for……real…..I…..ended it.” I sobbed.

Stormy patted my hair and let me cry. I cried the tears I should have cried in August but was too proud and angry to allow. I cried for how hurt I’ve felt and for doing things I will never be able to take back. I cried because I chose to sacrifice my friendships over a guy who was no good for me. Stormy was there for all of it. He’s the only friend I have left and he was there to watch me fall apart and then put myself back together. I eventually stopped crying and we sat together for awhile.

“Now what?” Stormy asked.

“Now I move on. Finally.” I said.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Friend Flight

Sean slept over last night (Stormy had a date that apparently went very well with some girl because he never came home). Apparently, Karen’s sister was throwing her a baby shower out of town so she wasn’t going to be home. I had just showered and was drying my hair while Sean went to go shower. About 5 minutes later, I went to go get my mail and found Zoey on my door step.

“Um. Hi.” I said stepping into the hallway and closing my door.

“What are you doing? We’re supposed to go shopping today.” She said.

I had completely forgotten. I called Zoey after my brunch with Molly because I wanted to see my friends more and we agreed to go shopping this morning.

“You forgot.” She said.

“N-no.” I said trying to cover.

“Yes you did. Let’s get you dressed and ready to go, then!” She said cheerily and pushed open my door.

“Hey Faith, you didn’t leave any towels.”

Sean had just walked out from my bathroom with a hand towel strategically placed and Zoey saw him. She looked at him and then at me before walking right back out of my apartment. I shot Sean a dirty look before chasing after her.

“Zoey, wait! Please! Wait!”

I caught up with her on the stairs.

“Let me explain!” I said.

Zoey stopped on the stairs below me and looked up. She looked tired and sad.

“Faith, I don’t want to listen to you explain. I’m done. I can’t watch him destroy you again. I watched it once; I’m not doing it again.”

“It’s not like that, Zoey. We aren’t back together.”

“Look, you can do whatever you want, Faith. I don’t care anymore. If you want to do whatever it is you’re doing with him then, fine, but I’m not going to sit around and wait until he ruins you again so the rest of us can put the pieces back together. I’ve gotta go.”

“Zoey…” I squeaked out, “You’re supposed to be my best friend…”

“I never wanted it to come to this but I can’t watch you do this to yourself all over again for my own sanity, Faith. I care about you which is why I’m not going to go through the pain of watching you fall apart all over again. I just can’t.” And with that she left.

I sat in the stairwell for a long time before going back to my apartment. Sean was still there.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Just go.” I said.

He left a few hours ago. Stormy hasn’t come home yet but I’m not looking forward to it when he does. I just want to be left alone for a little while.

Comparisons

Stormy came back from apartment hunting in a good mood.

“Aw, yes! Chinese food!” He said walking into the living room with some chopsticks and a white food container, “Oh, who died?”

I was sitting in the living room with the lights off in silence, stroking Murphy on my lap. I hadn’t cried at all and I just felt numb.

“I just told my boyfriend that I’ve been cheating on him for the past month. How was apartment hunting?” I said.

“Apartment hunting went okay. I put in an offer for one place. They’re going to get back to me. Do you want to eat?”

“No. You probably shouldn’t eat that,” I said, “it’s been sitting out for 5 hours.”

Stormy spit out the food he had just put in his mouth and put the container on the coffee table gingerly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked turning on a side table lamp.

“No.”

“Do you want me to give you some space?” Stormy asked. It was clear he was at a loss of how to help me feel better.

“No. There’s nothing you can do, Stormy. I did this all on my own and I’m going to have to deal with it all on my own.”

“That’s not true, Faith. I’m here for you.”

I smiled sadly at him before turning to look out the window in my living room.

“You should eat something. I’ll make dinner.”

After 5 minutes, Stormy came back with a microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner on a plate. I laughed.

“What? I’m not the best at cooking okay?”

Just then I got a phone call. It was from Sean. I looked at my phone on the coffee table and immediately stopped smiling.

“Do you want me to answer it and tell him to leave you alone?” Stormy joked.

“No.” I sighed before putting my plate down, grabbing my phone, and going into my room to answer it.

“What?” I asked in greeting.

“What happened?” Sean asked.

“Well, my relationship is over. As it should be. I told him everything.”

“That’s good, Faith. Now you won’t feel so guilty-”

“Excuse me? You aren’t coming over again. We’re over, too.”

“Why? Because you replaced me with Stormy?” He said acidly.

My mouth dropped and I spluttered because I was taken so off guard.

“That’s none of your….I’m helping…..he needed a place to stay because……how dare you, Sean! Why don’t you just call me a whore and get it over with?”

I hung up the phone and flung it at my bed. I realized that Stormy had probably heard me since I had been shouting that last part. I stayed in my room the rest of the night. Stormy came to check if I was okay a few times but when I didn’t answer he left me alone. This must be an awkward living situation for him. I feel bad; he left his crazy girlfriend only to move in with someone who is even more screwed up.

Not a Happy Ending

Living with Stormy has been pretty easy so far. It’s kind of nice having a roommate, actually.

I had the apartment to myself because Stormy was out apartment hunting. Sean ended up coming over again. We were getting down to business when there was a knock on my door. We had ordered Chinese take-out and I went to answer the door. But it wasn’t our food. My eyes were huge.

“Hey, I just wanted to see if you were up for grabbing some lunch.” Randy said when I opened the door.

“Uh...”

“This must be Stormy, right?” Randy said inviting himself in and going to shake Sean’s hand.

“…uh, yeah. It’s nice to meet you.” Sean said shaking Randy’s hand.

I gave up at that moment.

“No. It’s not.” I said with an air of exhaustion, “Sean, you should go. Now, please.”

Sean left without a word and Randy looked confused for a minute until the realization dawned on him.

“Sean…? As in…your ex-fiancé, Sean?”

I nodded and took Randy’s hand before leading him to sit down in a chair.

“Randy, I’ve…not been honest with you. When I told you that I wanted to be exclusive, I did. I really meant it. I wasn’t seeing anyone else. But then Sean showed up and we…we ended up sleeping together. I’ve felt terrible about it and I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks. It didn’t just happen once, either. I am so sorry.”

Randy didn’t say anything. He was processing what I had just said when the food I had ordered arrived. I apologized before answering the door and leaving the food in the kitchen to rejoin Randy in the living room.

“How long have you been dating him?”

“Randy, it…it wasn’t like that. We aren’t dating…it was just…”

“You guys were just having sex?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“A month.” I said. It felt like I was stabbing Randy, and myself, with each word.

“For a month?” Randy said more to himself than to me, “Did I do something wrong? Is it because of Teddy?”

“What? No. Randy, I really like you. I love spending time with you and the fact that you have a child has nothing to do with what I’ve done. The truth is…I probably should have turned you down when you asked me out. I wasn’t over my relationship with Sean. I wasn’t prepared to be in another serious relationship so soon and I should have told you that from the beginning but I was in denial. I really thought I was fine and that I was over him but I’m not and things are so complicated now. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and I really didn’t want to hurt you. I know that I did and I feel awful about it.”

Randy didn’t say much. I told him about my relationship with Sean and how it affected me. I explained that dating him, among other men, was a way for me to be defiant against my feelings left over from my relationship and that I regret not dealing with it better. He was quiet and was taking it all in.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said finally.

The food I had ordered had long gone cold and my apartment was significantly darker than when Randy had first knocked on my door.

“I could try to look past this…” He said quietly.

“You won’t be able to.” I said and Randy understood seeing as how he’d just listened to me talk about trying to recover from Sean cheating on me and not being able to, “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore, Randy. I wouldn’t want to be with me, either.”

“I like you, Faith, I think…if things had gone differently I probably would have fallen in love with you.”

“You still like me even though I’ve just done one of the worst things imaginable?”

Randy thought about it.

“You were trying to run away from a lot of hard stuff. I know that coping can be hard. Not everything is easy. After my wife died, I started drinking a lot. And I know that if I hadn’t been shaken out of it I wouldn’t have been able to take control of my life again. I understand, Faith, even though this really sucks.”

“Randy, you’re such a great guy. I never deserved you. And you don’t deserve what I’ve put you through. I really am sorry.”

Randy gave me a hug.

“So, I guess we’re over?” Randy said.

“I guess so.” I said sadly.

He kissed me on my cheek and I squeezed his hand before he left.

Surprise Visitor

December 1^st, 2011

Sean came over again. We were on my couch ripping pieces of clothing off of each other. Things were getting really hot; I was on top and Sean had just taken off my bra and thrown it across the room. His mouth was paying attention to my chest when I heard my front door open.

“Oh, God! I’m so sorry!” I looked up in time to see Stormy covering his eyes and backing into a wall with his suitcase on the ground in front of him.

I grabbed a blanket to cover my boobs and fell off of Sean onto the floor; who had to shove a certain body part back into his boxers and zip up his pants. Sean was shirtless and stood up awkwardly. He helped me stand up and then put his hands in his pockets.

“Could you go?” I asked Sean.

“Yeah. Bye.” He said grabbing his shirt and shoes and walking out the door, presumably to dress in the hallway.

“Stormy, it’s okay; you can stop covering your eyes.” I said, approaching him cautiously.

“I’m so sorry.” He said, “Rose and I got into a fight so I ended things and came over here a day early. I didn’t think you’d mind. I am SO SORRY.”

“It’s okay.” I said, “Everyone and their mom has already seen my boobs anyway.” I said trying to reduce the awkwardness, “I’ll go get the blankets and stuff so you can make up your bed on the couch. I cleared out some drawers in my entertainment center so you could put your clothes and stuff away. Feel free to start unpacking. I’ll go get dressed and then order us a pizza, okay?”

I put some clothes on before giving Stormy a stack of bed linens and going to order the pizza. When I got back Stormy was bright red.

“Um. This is yours.” He said holding up the very sexy bra I had been wearing.

“Thanks.” I said taking it from him and throwing it into my bedroom.

“Stormy, I’m really sorry that happened.” I said.

“We don’t need to talk about it. I’m sorry I ruined your plans.” He said sitting in an armchair looking incredibly embarrassed.

“Well. This is awkward.” I said.

We both laughed and things finally relaxed a bit. Our pizza came and we had a Project Runway marathon again. It was fun.

“So, you’re back with your ex again?” Stormy said while Nina and Michael discussed the designs one designer had put forward.

“It’s…complicated.” I said, “We’re not exactly back together.”

“Did you break up with that other guy? The one with the kid?”

“It’s complicated.” I said again.

Stormy caught the hint and didn’t press me further.

“You’re okay, though?” He asked after awhile.

I didn’t say anything. Instead I just snuggled into his side and gave him a hug.

I went to put the leftovers in the fridge but Stormy stopped me.

“Hey, Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad we’re friends.”

I smiled.

“Me too, Stormy.”

Unfiltered Adultery

Randy and I went out tonight. Before he picked me up I decided that I was definitely going to tell him what happened with Sean but that was a lot more difficult to actually do.

“Hey, you look amazing.” He said when I opened the door, “I got us reservations at this fancy wine bar, I think you’ll really like it.”

I didn’t feel like the beginning of our date was the best time since he made reservations and everything. Dinner was delicious and the wine was excellent but I tried to make sure I didn’t overindulge so I could be clear-headed when we talked later.

We went for a walk in a nearby park because the weather has been unusually warm this year. I was telling Randy about my upcoming house guest.

“Yeah, he’s supposed to show up on Friday. His girlfriend doesn’t know where I live which is why he asked to stay with me for awhile.”

“And you guys work together?”

“Yeah, he’s a journalist and also a part-time newscaster for the television station our paper is connected to.”

“I think that’s really nice of you, Faith, opening your home like that. You’re such a generous person.”

“Thanks.” I said half-heartedly.

I couldn’t bring myself to ruin Randy’s night so I pushed back telling him until we said goodbye for the night.

I was standing at his door and steeled myself up. Randy gave me a kiss before opening the door to his apartment.

“Randy…wait…I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is everything okay? You look upset?”

“Remember when I told you about my ex-boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“His name is Sean and he wasn’t just my ex-boyfriend. We were engaged.”

“Oh, uh, wow.” Randy looked confused.

“The reason I’m telling you this because I-”

Just then Teddy ran around the door and hugged Randy’s waist.

“Daddy! Daddy! Stacy let me watch a movie and we got pizza!”

“Oh, is that so? I’m glad you had fun, buddy.”

“Hi, Faith! You want to come in and play Legos?”

“Hi Teddy, I’m sorry but I can’t tonight, maybe some other time alright?” I said messing up Teddy’s hair.

“Okay. Dad! I want to show you what I built with my Legos! Come on Daddy!”

Teddy started pulling Randy’s hand to make him go and Randy looked at me searchingly.

“Go.” I said, “It wasn’t important.”

Randy waved goodbye and I walked up to my apartment feeling terribly alone.

“Hey.”

“Why are you here?” I asked Sean.

He was leaning against my door.

“Why do I usually come here?”

“Go away.” I said pulling out my keys.

“You look nice, Faith.”

“Yeah, well, I like to look nice when I go out with my boyfriend.”

“Oh. Did you tell him?”

“Have you told Karen yet?”

“Touché.” He said shrugging.

I unlocked my door and let him go in before me.

“Sean I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel terrible about it and I don’t want to lie to Randy anymore. He has a kid. I won’t just be hurting Randy when I tell him.”

“Then why bother telling him? Just break up with him.”

I turned to look at Sean.

“You know…I really thought you were a completely different person. Have you really changed that much since we first met? The person I knew valued honesty and commitment. Who are you?”

“You’ve changed, too, Faith. Things were different a year ago.”

“A year ago, the cracks in our relationship started forming.”

“Things are different now.” He said, “It’s okay if we’ve both grown up since then.”

“But you’re not a better person…the person I was in love with is not who you are anymore. The sooner we both realize that, the better.”

“I think we’ve both realized that we aren’t the same people. But let’s be real, here, Faith, doing this is making it easier for us to move on.”

“Do you really believe that Sean? Doing this is making me miserable, just like our relationship did.”

“Then why did you let me inside just now?” He said eyeing the door.

I didn’t have an answer for him. I looked down and felt my eyes start to burn with hot tears.

“Don’t cry, Faith.” He said hugging me.

He wiped my tears away, lifted my chin up, and pulled my lips to his. I hate myself for enjoying it; for missing his touch; for missing him. Sean actually ended up spending the night. I was getting ready to leave for work when he walked out of my bedroom completely naked. He came up to me and pushed a strand of hair back and kissed my forehead.

“Karen is going to wonder where you are.” I said pouring coffee into my travel mug as an excuse to turn away from him.

“She’s out of town right now.”

“Oh.” I said tightly, “There’s food in the fridge and I made coffee, so feel free to have some before you leave. I have to go to work. Bye.”

I left him in the kitchen. Sean seems so much happier about what we are doing than I am. Maybe he just hides it better than me.

Candid

Apparently, I’m making sleeping with Sean a habit. Yes, it happened again (actually a few times since I last posted). Yes, I hate myself for it. No, I don’t know why I’m letting this happen. No, I haven’t told anyone about it.

He called me to see if he could come get the sweater he’d left behind back and I said okay. What I should have done was left it at the front office and had him pick it up there but I didn’t. He came over, we had coffee, he started talking about the tour and Karen and the baby and being a dad, and then it just happened. He’s been coming over off and on for what are essentially booty calls. We aren’t back together again; we’re just both sleeping with each other.

Last night we were laying next to each other and staring at the ceiling. I was overwhelmed with guilt and wasn’t really in the mood to listen to Sean wax nostalgic about our relationship like he usually does afterward.

“I’ve missed you, Faith. I’ve missed THIS.”

“What cheating on your girlfriend?” I said unapologetically.

Sean was quiet for minute; like he was deciding whether to take the fight or not.

“Oh, so I’m cheating on Karen but you’re not cheating on Russell?”

“Randy.”

“Whatever. You don’t get to judge me anymore for cheating on you, Faith, not when you’re doing the same thing.”

“It’s NOT the same.” I said shaking my head and continuing to stare at the ceiling.

“No, you’re right. It’s worse than what I did to you because you keep doing it. I only slept with Karen the one time.”

“Oh, and I can be sure of that? You practically lived with her on a tour bus. How am I supposed to know you weren’t sleeping with her on the side?”

“I’m not getting into this.”

“Fine, are we going to talk about all the other things you never wanted to talk about when we were together? Like Paul?”

“Faith, don’t.”

“You should probably go. Karen will be suspicious. What have you been telling her, anyway, to get time away from her to come over here?”

“Band practice.”

“She probably knows, you know.”

Sean didn’t say anything for awhile.

“You’re right, I should go.”

“Bye.”

He got up, got dressed, and left without another word. As soon as I heard my front door close, I got a text from Randy:

“Are we still on for tomorrow night? The babysitter is going to stay the night ; )”

I replied, “yes” and immediately felt guilty. I know I should tell Randy. I know that I’m cheating on him and it sucks because I know how bad that feels but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve tried a few times but I can’t bring myself to say the words. Randy seems so happy and content in our relationship right now and I don’t want to be the one that ruins it even though I already have.

Thanksgiving at Zoey’s was fun. She cooked some awesome food, Molly helped, and we had it at Wesley’s new place. I’m pretty sure Zoey and Wesley will end up moving in together pretty soon and it feels bittersweet. I’m happy for Zoey. She deserves to have a great guy but I’m also jealous. Sean and I were going to live together and be happy and it didn’t work out and instead I’m sleeping with my cheating ex-fiancé while I’m dating a great guy. I’m really messed up, guys. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they hate Sean and they don’t think I should be dating Randy, either.

To tell or not to Tell

I was supposed to go out with Randy tonight but I cancelled on him. To be honest I completely forgot until he showed up at my door to pick me up.

“Hey.” He said, his smile fading from his face when he saw me dressed in my pajama pants and light hoodie.

“Oh my God…I totally forgot about our date tonight.”

“That’s okay, I’ll wait for you to get ready.”

“Actually…can we do a rain check? I’m not feeling all that great right now.”

“Oh, well I’ve heard the flu is starting to make the rounds, did you get a flu shot?”

“No.” I said.

Randy told me to get better and brought me some soup about an hour ago but I’m not feeling sick. I just feel horrendously guilty about what happened with Sean and didn’t feel like trying to hide the overwhelming guilt from Randy. I can’t talk to anyone about this. If I told any of the girls they would freak out and tell me how crazy I am for sleeping with him again.

Not only that, but Sean called me yesterday. I didn’t answer and he didn’t leave a message. I think it would have been a bad decision to answer. I can’t hide forever, though. Right now I’m debating on whether or not I should tell Randy what happened but I’m honestly so embarrassed and ashamed about it. I’m leaning towards not telling him, at least not until I can figure out what I need to do to deal with everything.

I Make Excellent Life Choices, Obviously

In hindsight, having sex with Sean last night was probably really, really stupid.

I was getting ready for bed last night and had just unloaded my dishwasher when someone knocked on my door. I thought it was Randy so I didn’t look through the peephole.

“What the f-” I was shocked to see Sean on the other side of the door and the sentence caught in my throat before I could finish it. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

“Okay, please don’t close the door.” He said almost as soon as I had opened it, “I just wanted to get some of the stuff I left here. I moved into a new apartment and figured I would get it so you don’t have to keep looking at it anymore. It’ll take me, like, five minutes.”

I stood there, braless, in my fleece pajama pants with penguins on them and an old, stained t-shirt with my hair thrown up in a messy bun and my feet in fuzzy socks and I suddenly felt self-conscious. It took me moment to say anything.

“No.” I went to close the door in his face before he called out.

“Faith, please!? I at least need to get my spare guitar, okay?” His eyes were pleading with me and when I went to pull the door I caught a smell of his cologne.

“F-fine.” I said stepping aside.

He walked past me with a box in his hand that I hadn’t noticed before and started quickly moving through my apartment collecting things. He grabbed his spare guitar in its case that was in my hall closet, a bathroom bag that was in my linen closet, a handheld video game set that was in the cupboard under my television, and so many other things that I had blocked out had originally belonged to him. He came out of my room carrying an armful of clothes slung over the box and in danger of falling.

“I can get you a bag for those.” I said with my arms crossed, almost as if I was cold.

“Y-you don’t have to.” He said heaving the pile up to get a better grip and panting.

“Sean, I am capable of being an adult, here. Let me get you a bag.”

“Okay.” I went to the kitchen and found a cloth grocery bag. He followed me in there and we stood in silence while we folded some clothes.

The silence got to be too much to stand so I made small talk.

“I heard you were back in town. I’m sorry to hear about the hiatus and your record label problems.” I said folding a pair of pants.

“Yeah, I’ve been here for awhile. Hopefully the hiatus won’t be too long.” He was folding a shirt and was doing a poor job of it so I shooed him away and did it over. He leaned against the counter.

“How is Karen?” I asked almost immediately regretting it and speeding up my folding.

“She’s…fine.”

“Are you guys living together?”

“Faith, we don’t need to do this.”

“It’s fine.” I said shrugging.

“We are.”

“Oh.” I said with my voice tight, “That’s good. Are you excited about being a dad?”

“I’m kind of terrified, actually.”

“My boyfriend has a kid and he makes it look so easy sometimes. I’m sure you’ll be a good dad, Sean.” And I realized that I was truly sincere.

“Oh, you have…you’re seeing someone now?” He said.

“Yeah. You’re not the only one who has moved on.”

“Oh, of course…I didn’t mean to….Faith…I’m sorry how we left things.”
I finished my folding and sighed.

“I am, too, Sean. I wish things had gone differently.” I handed him the bag of folded clothes, “Do you need me to help load this stuff in your car or call you a cab?”

“No, I can do that when I get down stairs.”

“Okay.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Okay, so I should go, then.” He said grabbing his guitar case and the box on the counter.

“Take care, Sean.”

I went in to awkwardly hug him good-bye. He tried to hug me back but with all the stuff in his arms, it was kind of impossible so he just kissed me on my forehead. I looked up with my arms still around his waist and our lips touched. Sean placed the box back on the counter, dropped the bag on the floor and slid the guitar case off his shoulder without breaking contact. I moved my hands up to his shoulders; his hands were in my hair, pressing me to him. We broke apart when things got really heated.

“Uhm.” I said with my fingers on my mouth.

“I…that was….we probably…I should probably…”

“Shut up, Sean.” I said pulling him against me.

We backed into my bedroom as he took my shirt off and I slid off his jacket. He took off his shirt as I unzipped his jeans and took of my ridiculously unsexy socks. In seconds we were on my bed completely naked, his head between my legs. From there everything is a blur. I remember him gripping the head board and I knocked over one of my lamps but we ended up tangled in my sheets panting and laying next to each other at the end of it all.

The realization of what I had just done hit me almost immediately after and with about as much force as a ton of bricks.

“Y-you should go.” I said.

“What? Why? We just had a great time.” He said turning on his side to look at me.

“This can never happen again.” I said pulling the sheets around me tighter and avoiding his eyes.

“I’m still in love with you, Faith.”

“You’re going to be a dad, Sean. You just cheated on the mother of your child. I’m assuming you guys are a couple?”

“It’s…complicated.”

“Meaning she thinks you are but you’re only there because of the thing currently inside of her?”

“Faith, what do you want me to say? I wanted you to be the mother of my children. This….everything…This isn’t what I wanted my life to be like.”

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.

“And this is what I wanted for mine? I can’t be with you, Sean. I just spent the past four months trying to move on and I can’t fall back into a relationship with you. This, what we just did, can’t happen again.”

“Faith, we don’t need to tell anyone, this might help us both move on.”

“You should go. Karen is going to wonder where you are, it’s almost midnight.”

Sean tried to touch my shoulder but I got up and left my bedroom and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. When I came out, he was gone, along with all of his things except a sweater that I found under my comforter which had been thrown on the floor. I slept on the couch since it was too late for me to do laundry and I didn’t want to sleep in a bed that still smelled like him.

I don’t really know what to do.