Friday, January 20, 2012

The Good Ship

Unemployment is…weird. I have all of this time and it’s like I can’t fill all of it up. I feel bad if I don’t spend time looking for work but I can only fill out so many applications per day before I go stir crazy. Stormy is gone. He moved out yesterday and things feel so empty without him here. I’m confused about us, too. Before he left I told him that he should move on and that I want him to be happy with someone else. I really do want him to move on. Stormy is a great friend to me and he was there when my relationship with Sean fell apart, both times. I don’t want to screw up the friendship we have and so we can’t be together the way he wants to be. I won’t let myself hurt him like I did with Randy, but I can’t help but notice the feelings I have for him don’t fall strictly on the platonic side of things.
It’s probably good that we don’t live together anymore. It just makes things more messy and complicated than they probably need to be.
The girls and I are…mending things. Yesterday, after Stormy left I stomped over to Zoey and Wesley’s and banged on the door until she opened it.
“ZOEY, YOU OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR RIGHT N-” I said banging on the door like a crazy person.
She opened the door and stared at me with a mixture of fear, annoyance, and concern.
“WHAT? Is that really all you have to say?”
“What do you want, Faith?” She asked sighing.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m mad at you for freezing me out and that-”
There was movement behind her and I realized that Molly and Anna were both there, too. It stung that they were hanging out without me even though I knew this was probably going on anyway, but still, it hurt to actually see it.
“Oh, great, now I don’t have to go bang on Anna and Molly’s doors, too.” I said acidly.
I barged into Zoey’s house without being invited and started rambling about everything that had happened.
“I really needed your support and all of you abandoned me. How could you do that to me? I was trying to get things together. Sean and I aren’t together anymore and we won’t be. I don’t want to be with him anymore and I have sworn off dating. If you don’t want to be my friends anymore, you at least owe me an explanation for blowing me off for the past two months when I tried to get you all to talk to me.” I finished huffily.
The three of them shared a look.
“Faith, we cut Elise out of our lives when she was being destructive; you were at that point, too. It was getting toxic.” Zoey said.
I was shocked and pissed.
“This was NOT the same situation as the one with Elise. I was dating someone you didn’t approve of, Zoey! I wasn’t trying to steal anyone’s boyfriends or husbands. I wasn’t doing god knows what kind of illegal substances she was. That is NOT a fair comparison and YOU KNOW IT!” I was yelling.
“Faith,” Molly squeaked, “We were all worried about you. We thought some tough love would help you see what was at stake.”
I didn’t know what to say. In a way, their abandonment did help me realize what I was doing to my life but there had to be a better way they could have gone about it.
We sat there in a weird silence. I sighed and looked at all three of them.
“I owe you guys an apology. I…lost my way for awhile, but I’m trying to get back on my feet and you should have stopped freezing me out when I sent you all those messages and texts telling you what had happened. Instead you let me feel like a terrible person, unworthy of any sort of friendship, and I got to deal with losing my job without any support to boot!”
Anna, Molly, and Zoey all apologized to me and we all started crying. Hugs were passed around and we ate dinner together. Things are damaged but we’re still friends. I think we’ll overcome this. It feels good to have my girls back.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Today was everyone’s last day. We spent most of it packing up our desks and saying good byes. Stormy is talking to me again. We’ve been on speaking terms ever since I ended things with Sean. Speaking of Sean, I haven’t heard from him at all, which I’m taking as a good sign. I’ve lined up a few interviews but I’m not sure that I even want the jobs. They’re all related to HR and after having to tell all of my friends that they don’t have jobs anymore I don’t want to work in HR again. I’ve fired people before but it was almost always because they did something that warranted firing based on the company’s policies. But laying off people I’ve grown to care about? That was so much worse and I haven’t slept well since.

I can’t exactly be picky, though. This is a hard job market to find any job in. I feel like I need a change, though. I do need to find a job soon, though. If I don’t I won’t be able to afford my rent. I have some money saved up and if I have to, I could use it to break my lease and put a down payment on a much smaller more unemployed-budget-friendly apartment. I’ve been thinking about another alternative for awhile, though, and brought up my idea to Stormy.

“Have you seen a lot of apartments?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Yeah. I’ve had to reevaluate the ones I was considering, though, what with being out of work.”

Stormy chose to void his contract with the news station (something Veronica and the investors were NOT happy about) and try freelancing as a journalist and applying to some big papers around the city.

“Well, I was thinking that maybe WE could be roommates.” I said.

“What?” Stormy looked at me skeptically.

“Come on, you’ve been living with me for awhile now. We get along. Our schedules work pretty nicely. We could afford a nicer apartment if we pooled our money.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”


“Because we’re both unemployed. And because we have a weird relationship.”

“What? No we don’t.”

“Faith, come on. We both know that I want to be more than your friend.”

I looked away from him.

“You’re not ready. I get that. If I can’t be your boyfriend, then I’ll take being your friend but living with you permanently is probably not a good idea for us. I’m a guest in your house; things would be different if we lived together for real. Besides I think I found a good apartment. I’m planning on putting a down payment on it tomorrow.”

“Oh.” I said trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

Stormy went to pack up some of his things and I thought about what he said. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I like having Stormy as a friend but maybe he’s right. Maybe living with a dude is a dumb idea for me. I seem to mess everything up and I wouldn’t want to ruin the only friendship I have left.

Speaking of the girls, I haven’t heard from them since Zoey left my apartment. I’ve tried calling and texting and sending messages on Facebook and haven’t gotten any responses. I’ve really screwed everything up.

Monday, January 2, 2012

From the Ashes

Stormy was out at a New Year’s Eve party tonight. He’s still mad. I don’t know if he’s mad at me, per say, or if he’s just mad at the work situation overall but he told me he just wanted some space so I’ve been giving it to him. Sean came over for New Year’s Eve.

“Where’s Karen?” I asked when I let him in.

“She’s still visiting her parents and sister for the holidays.”

“And she didn’t bring you?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to go. It’s not like our relationship is one either of us wanted.”

I kind of felt sorry for Sean when he said that. We made small talk about the holidays and shared a bottle of wine while we watched the countdown on television. When the clock struck midnight, Sean went to kiss me but both of us got texts at the same time. His from Karen, mine from Stormy (a hopeful sign). I’m kind of relieved that Sean wasn’t the person I kissed at midnight this year. While he was responding to his text from Karen, I put the wine and glasses away and was struck with a fire I haven’t felt in ages.

I leaned against the living room doorway with my arms crossed and watched as Sean finished up his texting with Karen. He stood up and came over to me and then started kissing me.

But I stopped him.

“What the Hell are we doing, Sean?” I asked tiredly.

“Kissing.” He said.

I let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed my forehead with my hand.

“You’re in a relationship that you have no commitment to and I’ve allowed you to drag me into it with you. The only thing I’m getting out of this is guilt. What are you getting out of this?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I don’t want to do this anymore, Sean! I am SO unhappy with you. And you don’t even seem to CARE! Don’t you at least feel bad for betraying Karen the SAME WAY you betrayed me?”

“Like, Karen and I are going to be together for much longer.” Sean said.

I looked at Sean with horror.

“Does she even know how you feel or do you lie and pretend like everything is fine?”

“Faith, I’m trying to get through the weird twists and turns my life has taken. I never wanted any of this!”

“Yeah, but you aren’t working through it. You’re barely even addressing it! You’re going to be a DAD Sean! You can’t spend the rest of your life resenting Karen for a stupid mistake you both made together and you DEFINITELY don’t get to keep punishing me for not wanting to be included in it!”

“You think I’m punishing you?” He asked quietly and sincerely.

“That’s what it feels like for me, Sean. My friends won’t talk to me because of you. I cheated on someone I cared about with you. I have lost so much and you haven’t lost anything.”

“Faith, you are the only thing I have that reminds me of what I had before everything went to Hell.”

“Wrong. You don’t have me. You gave me up when you and Karen had sex on our anniversary and you don’t get to wallow in sadness about that because YOU made that choice. No one else. I think it’s time you accepted what is happening in your life and get your act together because my apartment isn’t going to be some weird sanctuary for you when your life gets too heavy to deal with, Sean. Not anymore. I have my own life to live and I don’t want you in it anymore.”

My words hung in the air between us.

“So, this is how you’re ending things?” He asked.

“You don’t get it, do you, Sean? We were over in August and your decisions are what ended things. You don’t get to act like I’m the one who hurt you. You need to go home to your pregnant girlfriend and nursery and grow the fuck up because I’m not going to sit here and hold your hand and give you comfort while you live two separate lives. You don’t get to live your life with me anymore. I don’t want you to call me or text me or contact me at all. I thought we could be friends somewhere down the line but I just want to be free of you and the damage you did and I can’t do that when you are constantly showing up on my doorstep reminding me of what happened all over again. I can’t begin to move on and heal when you are still around. And if you ever REALLY cared about me you would let me go.”

Sean didn’t say anything. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but never did. In the end he nodded and left. I told him good bye before I closed the door with a sense of finality I hadn’t ever had with our relationship before. I sat on the couch feeling numb for awhile until I heard Stormy come home.

“Faith?” He asked when he came around the corner of the hallway, “Are you okay?”

He sat next to me on the couch. I shook my head and started crying into his chest.

“He’s……gone…….for……real…..I…..ended it.” I sobbed.

Stormy patted my hair and let me cry. I cried the tears I should have cried in August but was too proud and angry to allow. I cried for how hurt I’ve felt and for doing things I will never be able to take back. I cried because I chose to sacrifice my friendships over a guy who was no good for me. Stormy was there for all of it. He’s the only friend I have left and he was there to watch me fall apart and then put myself back together. I eventually stopped crying and we sat together for awhile.

“Now what?” Stormy asked.

“Now I move on. Finally.” I said.