Sick

I am sicker than a dog right now, you guys. I think my huge workload has finally taken its toll. I have bronchitis AND strep throat. I can’t miss calling the show (which closes at the end of this month thank God!) but Bruno did give me time off so I can get better (and not infect our customers).
I’ve basically been camped out in my bed for the past few days, only coming out for soup and tea. I finally felt somewhat human today and emerged from my sick cave.

“Good morning!” Molly said, “Feeling better?”

“A lot more than I have been. And my cough isn’t as bad.”

“That’s good to hear. Brad came by, I told him you were sleeping.”

“Thank you.”

Brad and I made up after our lunch incident and I was at a loss of what the next step should be.

“How is Mission: Get Brad to Dump You going?” She asked looking over her cup of coffee.

I sat down with some orange juice and dry toast.

“Honestly, I thought it would be easier to be an awful girlfriend but-”

“Why? You’re not a bad girlfriend, Faith. You’ve just had bad luck with guys and, no offense, but you could probably cope with that in a healthier way and should talk to your therapist about that.”

“I’m not a good girlfriend, though. Good girlfriends don’t cheat on their perfect boyfriends.”

I sighed sadly.

“You still really miss him, don’t you?” She said gently.

“I do,” I admitted, “But I feel guilty missing him.”

“Why?” Molly asked seriously.

“Because I’m dating Brad…or pretending to date him..or actually dating him; and I hurt Mike so much that I shouldn’t get the privilege to miss him. I threw away what we had because I was scared and sad and really hurt him with what I did. I don't get the right to miss him when I'm the one that threw away our relationship. We were doing so well and then I ruined everything.”

“Faith, maybe you should just dump Brad…trying to get him to dump you wasn’t supposed to take this long and it’s obviously just making you feel bad. The sex can’t be worth all of this.”

I sighed and took a bite of toast.

“I should just end it but…”

I trailed off.

“But what?” Molly pried.

“I guess a very small part of me wants to see if sleeping with Brad was worth ruining my relationship with Mike, like if I do develop feelings for Brad and we, I don’t know, ride off into the sunset maybe it will justify losing Mike.”

“Oh, Faith.” Molly said quietly.

“I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid but I think you should ask yourself if you ARE developing feelings for Brad. You guys have been seeing each other for, what? A month now?”

“Yes.”

“And HAVE your feelings changed?”

I sat and stared at my orange juice.

“I don’t know, maybe? Or maybe I just want to believe that they have so it’s not such a lie or a waste. I don’t know.” I said.

Molly didn’t say anything.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.” She said.

“Come on, Molly, you’re holding back. What is it?”

“Well, you’ve been playing girlfriend with Brad for weeks now and you still don’t have feelings for him-”

“No, I said I didn’t know if I did or not.”

Molly looked at me matter-of-factly.

“Faith, if you don’t know if those romantic feelings for him are there, then they aren’t. You would know for certain if they were. And I’m thinking that if you’ve spent this much time with him and STILL don’t feel anything outside of the sex, then it’s never gonna happen, honey.”

“Okay, so say I dump him, he’ll still chase me. He’ll say I was just in denial about my feelings. He'll say I lead him on again. I need him to dump me at this point, Molly, because I just don’t have the energy to fight with him about the way I feel anymore. I need him to remove himself out of my life because I just don’t have the energy to cut him out of mine, not when he's put up such a huge fight about me being in denial. Honestly, it's insulting that he thinks he knows better than I do about how I feel and maybe he needs to learn the hard way that wearing someone down until they date you isn't a good dating strategy.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” She said, “It’s a bad situation all around. And it sounds like you don't even really know what you want out of this. Do you think you might want a relationship or do you want Brad out of your life? Make a decision, Faith...and stick with it.”

I sighed and drank my orange juice.

“I will once I figure it ou.”