Lots and Lots of Therapy

It’s been awhile. I’m sure you’re all wondering where I’ve been for the past month. Especially after everything with Brad went down.

First, Brad has completely respected me and not tried to contact me in any way since I broke things off except for an e-mail he sent about a week ago. I was surprised to see it but relieved:

                              Faith,

                              You were right. About everything. I’m sorry things went the way they did and I want to apologize for anything I did or said that contributed to all that happened and for my behavior with Mike. I really do feel bad about that. I understand why you did what you did and I feel bad that you had to deal with that by yourself; you know that you made the best decision and I just didn’t want to see it; but I do now. Maybe it was denial about having a kid, maybe I just didn’t want to see how you felt, I don’t really know but I’m glad you were able to make the mature decision that I never would have been able to. I’d like to offer to stay friends but I think we both know that’s a bad idea. I really hope things work out for you.

                              -Brad

I debated about replying but decided not to. I felt like it would have potentially opened that can of worms all over again and I just couldn’t go through that again. Dr. Sheehan agreed and supported my decision. Speaking of Dr. Sheehan…

I had to get back on track, so I upped my therapy sessions (as well as my hours at Bruno’s to pay for them…OUCH!) with her after Brad and I broke up. She’s really helped me over the course of the past 5 weeks and I had to come to some pretty heavy conclusions during that time. I think I’ve probably made more progress in therapy in the past five weeks than I have since I started. Basically, I’ve realized that Brad was being manipulative the entire time we were together and I don’t really know if that was malicious or if he even knew he was doing it and I never will know. I was bothered by that at first, I even thought about contacting him and seeing if we could have that conversation but Dr. Sheehan and I both agreed that that could be more detrimental than good. So I’m okay with not knowing now. It’s in the past where it needs to stay.

The next thing we discussed was my habit of always putting others’ feelings ahead of my own, even when it means I end up ultimately hurting myself. Part of it is that I only ever seem to really stand up for myself unless I’m forced to and that leads to everyone thinking I’m fine and okay with what’s happening. And the other reason is that I don’t seem to speak up when something DOES bother me because I try to write it off as a not a big deal and then it becomes one. There are numerous examples of this and one of the harder moments in therapy was when Dr. Sheehan read me her notes over the past year that demonstrated all this behavior after I refused to acknowledge it. It’s hard to have to face something like that about yourself and I just didn’t want to. So she went the confrontational route and I really struggled for awhile with that. But I think I’m on the path to coming to terms with my behavior. We’re currently working on ways for me to realize when I’m doing it (because I really and truly don’t, mostly because it’s been normal for so long) and how to communicate to another person how I feel.

I’ve also made a list of some things I’ve prioritized. Dr. Sheehan calls it a “life map” and it’s supposed to help me build better ways to cope and a set of goals to accomplish that can help me get to a healthier place. And here it is:

1. No more dating for at least 6 months
2. I am celibate for an indefinite period of time
3. I need to get out more and socialize with the girls, maybe make some new friends and connect with old ones
4. I need to get over Mike
5.  I have to make a 5 year plan for my stage managing career
6. I will quit my job at Bruno’s by the new year
7. I want to take better care of myself so I’m joining a gym and taking another cooking class
8. I might start doing yoga
9. When I do start dating again, I need to take things slowly and communicate my feelings appropriately and in a timely manner
10. I will develop and use more healthy coping mechanisms

So, I think number one on that list is pretty obvious. I need a break from being in a relationship with someone until I get myself to a healthier place. Dr. Sheehan and I both agreed that my relationship with Mike was one of the healthiest I’ve ever had and the reason it was done in was because I don’t communicate my feelings enough and I justify it by telling myself it’s so I don’t hurt the other person’s feelings. I’ve done this repeatedly and I can’t be with someone else until I stop doing this.

The second thing on the list connects to number ten. I use sex as a coping mechanism. I’m not exactly sure when that became my go-to way to deal with things, maybe after I ended things with Sean? But we all know I’ve been using sex in an unhealthy way and being with Brad (and somewhat with Mike) only exacerbated it so I need to stop having sex until I figure out a better way to deal with my feelings. Because, really, having sex with people doesn’t help me deal with my feelings, it just numbs them so I don’t HAVE to deal with them.

The third thing is really to start building up a support system for myself. I’ve neglected my friendships for way too long and it’s time to fix that. I’ve been a pretty awful friend and I need to reach out to Zoey and Anna and all my old friends in order to become more social and connected. Dr. Sheehan and I have decided that I do best when I have a big support system and that I tend to close off when things start getting bad for me so building a better and stronger support system will, hopefully, prevent that.

Four is probably pretty obvious. I never really gave myself a chance to get over Mike and I need to grieve for that relationship. I miss him and I think about him all the time but I ruined what we have and I need to deal with the pain of that. It’s going to be a long process but it’s necessary.

Five and six go hand-in-hand. I need to be more proactive about my career. I’m not exactly sure how to go about that but I’ve taken the first small steps. I’ve started working at Bruno’s more to try and save up some money so I actually have something resembling a savings account. I’m taking advantage of not working on a show right now to work long shifts and build up overtime pay.  I’ve been working every holiday and will until I quit to get as much money saved up as I can so when I quit I don’t have to panic as much about finding a job. Hopefully, though, when I do quit, I’ll already have a job lined up. I’ve been looking at more permanent positions for a stage manager so I’ve been looking at various theatres that have in-house production manager or stage manager positions available (there aren’t a whole lot and they don’t pay very well but they do give me the option of joining the union after working for awhile which means health insurance). This is a work-in-progress.

Seven and eight are also connected. I haven’t been taking very good care of myself. It’s not a weight thing or an appearance thing, I just haven’t been prioritizing my own wellbeing in multiple areas of my life and my physical wellness is one of them. I’m not too sure about the yoga because it is fairly expensive but Molly said she’d go with me if I wanted to try it so at least I wouldn’t be alone. The gym membership is also a pretty hefty investment but I think I need to start being more active and, depending on which gym I join, they may offer regular yoga classes or other classes like aerobics for free or nearly free which would be cool. That way if yoga isn’t really my thing, I can have other options to choose from. Molly also said she’d be interested in joining a gym depending on the price and location. She really likes one that’s three train stops away and has a separate area in it just for women to exercise in, which, I admit also appeals to me. No one likes having gross dudes hit on them while they’re trying to get their workout on.

Nine is something that is going to take a really long time and so is ten. I really need to make sure that I use this time to focus on myself and how I deal with life. I also don’t want to count down to 6 months of not dating only to jump in bed with some guy just because I met the deadline. Making nine a goal on my list ensures that I won’t start dating until I am ready, even if that takes a year or three years or the rest of my life. Although, it would be nice if I could figure this out before I die…Ten really just reiterates the goals I have in therapy and the progress I need to make.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been a long five weeks. I’ve mostly thrown myself into work and my animal shelter volunteering again. Being around the animals is really therapeutic for me even if it does make me think of Mike sometimes. We had a Dalmatian named Hercules that lived at the shelter. He was adopted last week by a small family with young kids. It was hard to see him go but I’m glad he has a home now. Fourth of July was hard for me this year. Even though I was working I had a hard time not thinking about Mike. Last year we spent the holiday together and it was a really fun time. Dr. Sheehan says that the memories I have about our relationship will get easier to deal with the more I let myself deal with them and talk about them. I hope she's right.

Oh! I’m also taking another class at the community center. It’s a first aid and CPR class that goes through adult, child, and infant training. It’s pretty short but at the end I’ll be certified for all three and that will be something I can put on my resume for stage management work.

Onward and upward, I guess!

(Author's note: we are now moving to a three times a week schedule for the rest of August! Posts will be every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Be sure to check out the character page. -del)