Master Plan

“You guys, he is not taking any of the bait. He sees me as perfect.” I bemoaned.

The girls and I were shopping at the mall. Anna had brought the twins who had just turned two (which I cannot believe, they are SO big) last month in a double stroller. They were sleeping while we tried on shoes.

“Maybe you should just end things.” Anna suggested.

“Hey, no need to be hasty…Faith, what exactly have you done to be a bad girlfriend?” Molly asked.

“God, everything! I’ve been picking fights over big things like money and relatively small things like the fact that he never replaces the toilet paper roll.”

“And what happens when you guys fight.” Molly asked.

“He just apologizes profusely and then we have GREAT make-up sex.”

“Okay, well, what else?” Zoey asked.

“Um. Well, a few times he’s gone down on me and I haven’t, you know, reciprocated. He doesn’t seem to be all that bothered by it which is weird because I think a lot of people would. Isn’t that just, like, oral sex etiquette?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know that that’s break-up level stuff if he thinks the sun is shining out of your ass.” Zoey replied.

“I’ve been late to dates and stuff, like an hour or more. Maybe I should just stand him up.”

“Try it. But you need to take these things to a new level. Have the ‘where is this thing going’ talk. Maybe it will scare him away from commitment.” Molly suggested.

“I don’t think so. I think he would jump at the chance to talk about our future.” I said with annoyance.

“What if you just get uber clingy?” Zoey asked, “Like, never leave his side, talk to him in baby talk, pick out his clothes.”

“That’s not really me. I don’t think I could make it believable.”

“Wreck his car.” Molly said.

“What!?” Anna stared at her.

“Not seriously or anything, but, like, accidentally crash it into a streetlight.”

“No, Molly.” I said bringing her back to reason, “The point of this is not to commit a crime, it’s to get Brad to break up with me. There has to be SOMETHING I can do that won’t get me arrested.”

“Cheat on him.” Zoey said.

Anna, Molly, and Zoey stared at me.

“No. I don’t want to do that to another person EVER again, even if I DO want them to break up with me.”

I shook my head.

“Maybe I could, like, flit with a co-worker of his or something. It’ll be enough to cause a serious argument but it won’t be nearly as devastating as cheating.”

“That could work, especially since he’s the jealous type.” Anna pointed out.

“Are you on board now?” Zoey raised her eyebrows.

“I still think you should just dump him and be done with it but if you INSIST on doing it this way, I guess I can help brainstorm.” Anna said.

“Welcome to the dark side.” Molly said, “Now, let’s go get Faith something really slutty to wear to her boyfriend’s workplace.”

(Author's note: Sorry the post is late. I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs on Wednesday night. I have a sprained wrist, a couple pulled muscles, and a twisted ankle in addition to re-injuring the knee I injured after slipping on a patch of ice in January. As you can imagine, I completely forgot about posting the post for Thursday this week. -del)