We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

So much has happened since I last posted. I’ll start with therapy…

Relapse

On a spur of the moment, Zoey, Molly, and I decided to do a book club sort of thing together. We’ve all been meaning to read the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin but none of us have gotten around to it yet so we thought we could all read it together. Adam pointed out to me that the series hasn’t actually been finished yet, that there are still two books to be written, but these books are huge and will take me forever to get through so I think the next one will at least be published by the time I’m ready to start reading it.

Molly and I headed over to Zoey’s place early on Sunday morning to talk about the first half of the book together and have brunch.

“I think Joffrey is such a brat.” Molly said.

“Me, too. I think Tyrion is my favorite character so far.” I said knocking on Zoey’s door.

When the door opened, Zoey was not the one standing there.

“Hello ladies.”

Self-Care

Now that I’ve decided to take some time away from dating and just focus on myself I’ve started a bunch of projects. I bought a gym membership to try and get myself more active, I can’t just sit around eating pizza and watching Project Runway all day after all. I also started a painting project in my room. I’m painting some cherry blossom sprigs on my walls and Molly even helped me make some new curtains for my room. They’re gauzy and really open it up with light.

I’ve also taken an interest in our balcony garden. I repotted some plants into old pots that I re-painted and got rid of a dying and infested spider plant in exchange for a new one. Basically, I’ve been a busy-body and I’m looking into some adult classes I could take at the community center. The hula hopping class I took there was fun but I eventually stopped because there’s just not enough room in city apartments to hula hoop. Maybe I can bring my hoop to the gym and do it there. There are a couple classes that interest me. One is a cooking class and I could seriously use some cooking help, I only know how to prepare a few dishes and mostly rely on microwaveable food or take-out. There’s another one that is a class about changing careers that I think would be practical to take. I can’t be a bartender forever and I certainly don’t want to be one forever so I think that class will give me a nice kick to get back in the game with a career job. The last class is a self-defense class. I’m not sure if I’ll enroll in it or not, I think the fees for the cooking class and career changer class are high enough so I might put that self-defense class on the back-burner for now.

In other news, my brother and Shannon broke up. I don’t know why and I kind of don’t want to. I figure it’s between him and Shannon and if he wants to share then he will. My mom called me with the news to try and get my take on it but I had nothing to say about it, really. I wouldn’t want people poking into my break-ups uninvited so I’m not going to do it to my brother. I guess she moved out and they are totally over. There was a time when they might have gotten back together but it’s Facebook official that they are over so I guess that’s that.

I start volunteering in one a shelter next week and I’m super excited about it. I think with the community center’s classes, my gym membership, work, and volunteering and the shelter, I’m going to be plenty busy and have lots of time to focus on myself. I can’t believe it’s already been two months since the fire. They still haven’t figured out who did it but there haven’t been any other arson cases that seem like the same suspect so I guess that’s a good thing. People were worried about a serial arsonist being on the loose but it doesn’t look like that’s the case, at least not with my building’s fire. I got an e-mail from Randy the other day. He and Teddy ended up moving to Seattle and they’re very happy there. Apparently, his wife’s family is based there and it’s been really good for Teddy to have that connection so I’m happy for them.

Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Up In Flames Part II

It’s weird to watch everything you ever had literally go up in flames. Having to stand on the side of a dirty street while your home burns down is a humbling experience. I’ve never felt so helpless.

I started running toward my building but stopped at the wooden barricades the fire department had set up to keep people a safe distance away. The fire had spread to both buildings next to it and the water being poured into them didn’t seem to be helping at all. I saw neighbors from my building standing around the barricades watching in awe. I called Zoey and told her what happened, she told me she was on her way and hung up.

I backed up a little from the barricade, I don’t know why, maybe it was to try and separate myself from the reality of what was happening. Someone ran into me hard. I ended up on the ground with a scraped up hand and my head hit the concrete. They were on the ground next to me rambling apologies in a panic.

“Randy?” I said when the person who hit me offered me their hand to help me get up.

His eyes were wild and his face was blotched with soot and sweat.

“Faith!? I’m so sorry, are you okay? I’m trying to find Teddy, we got separated in the stairwell and I haven’t been able to find him.”

“I’ll help you look.” I said. We split up after agreeing to meet up in 15 minutes at the same spot. I slipped through the crowd calling Teddy’s name but didn’t see or hear him. I ended up near a stoop of a building that wasn’t on fire yet, right on the edge of the wooden barricades. I stopped to catch my breath and heard crying. I couldn’t tell exactly where it was coming from but it sounded like it was coming from an alley next to a burning building about 150 feet from the barricade. I looked around amid the chaos. No one was paying attention to where I was. I hopped the barricade and ran towards the sound.

“Teddy!?” I said practically sliding into the alley. “TEDDY!?”

The crying had stopped but there was whimpering and I followed it. The sky above me looked like it was on fire, the blaze was spreading and I could hear firefighters yelling nearby the opening of the alley. Embers from the burning building were trickling down around me.

“Teddy?” I said looking around a trash can.

Teddy was covered in soot and was cradling his arm. It looked burned. He was wearing Iron Man pajamas that were singed in places and absolutely filthy. His pants were wet and there were tear tracks on his face.

“Teddy, let’s get that looked at buddy.” I said holding my hand out to him.

“I’m cold, Faith.” He whimpered.

I whipped off my coat and wrapped him in it before sweeping him up in my arms and running back to the barricade.

“How did your pants get wet?” I said trying to distract him as I climbed over the wooden barricade with him in my arms. His arms were wrapped so tight around me I was having trouble breathing.

“I-I had an accident.” He said. He started crying and buried his head into my neck.

“That’s okay, Teddy. It was scary. It’s okay. We’ll get you some new pants soon.”

I weaved back through the crowd to the meeting place Randy had designated.

“Oh, my God. Thank you, Faith! Oh my God.” Randy started crying when I transferred Teddy to him.

“He’s got a bad burn, you should take him to a paramedic.” I said.

Randy nodded, pulled me close to him, and kissed me on the mouth before giving me a grateful look and then disappearing in the direction of an ambulance. I stood and watched numbly as the firemen carried out some of my neighbors. Someone had put a blanket around my shoulders and I turned to see Zoey, Anna, and Molly. I hugged them all at once.

“Faith, have they brought any pets out?” Molly asked gently.

“N-no.” I said. My voice caught in my throat and I couldn’t speak anymore.

Zoey waved down a fireman and asked if they could look for my cat. He shook his head and brushed her off. I flung off my blanket, hopped the barricade and started running towards my building but suddenly ended up hanging upside down.

“What do you think you’re doing?” A fireman had flung me over his shoulder like a sack of flour and started walking me back to the barricade. At first I kicked and tried to break free but gave up and started crying.

“Please.” I said when he set me back down, “My cat. He’s still in there. I need him. He’s all I have. Please.”

The fireman looked at me and then back at the building.

“PLEASE.” I said. I was begging at that point.

“I’ll look for him when I go back in, but it was a bad fire…”

“I understand.” I said quickly so he wouldn’t finish the rest of his thought.

I felt like I watched the fire burn for hours. The sun was coming up and each time someone would come out of the building empty-handed my hope was extinguished a little more. I felt selfish. There were full body bags sitting in front of one of the ambulances and I was dying inside because no one could find my cat. Randy and Teddy joined me on the curb across from the crowd. Zoey, Anna, and Molly were helping people in the crowd, getting coffee and blankets, doing what they could at my insistence to be left alone for a little bit.

“Faith, thank you.”

“No problem, Randy. I’m glad Teddy was found.”

He put his arm around me and I put my head against his shoulder.

“They’ll find him.” He said.

I didn’t say anything.

“What are you guys going to do?” I asked him after a long time.

“I don’t know yet. Probably stay at a hotel for a few days…”

The fire burned for hours, it was hard to control because of the wind. Three buildings other than my apartment complex caught on fire. I watched until the building was a smoldering skeleton of wood, bricks, and metal. I was holding a cold cup of coffee in my hands and staring at the ground when a pair of boots came into my line of vision. I looked up and my heart sank.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t find him.” It was the fireman from before.

“I-it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I said with no emotion.

Zoey, Molly, and Anna surrounded me and shuffled me into Zoey’s car. I’ve been living in Zoey’s guest room for the past four days. The fire has been all over the news. 11 people died and the police think it was arson but have no idea who could have done it. The only things that I didn’t lose in the fire were the clothes I was wearing, my purse, and phone.

I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve lost so suddenly. And it’s not just material stuff; it’s the memories that go with it. I’ve lost photo albums from my college years, family photos, my computer and laptop, the signed apology from Kevin that I framed, Murphy’s kitty castle, my college and high school diplomas, graduation photos, and, of course, Murphy. Bruno has given me as much time as I need to get things in order but I haven’t been able to do anything except grieve for Murphy. I can’t believe he’s gone. This is so surreal.

Lame

Dinner with Randy last night was really sweet but I’m kind of confused and disappointed. We went to this cool Asian place where they cook the food right in front of you and they do all sorts of cool flips and twists with it while they cook it. It was entertaining and fascinating. I could have watched the chef do all of his crazy tricks for hours.

I was wearing a red dress with a very flattering neckline (it showed off the girls perfectly) and black pumps and my hair was pulled up into a half pony but it was lightly curled so it looked softer than a straight half pony. Randy was wearing a dark blue Henley and dark washed jeans. He had a gray blazer on, too and his light brown hair was just the right touch of messy. If you can’t tell, I really like him.

“So what do you do, Faith?”

“I’m an HR rep for a newspaper that is partnered with a local news station.” I said, “I really like what I do and the people I work with are great. We’re actually about to go completely digital.”

“That’s sounds like a pretty big undertaking.”

“It was, at first, but I think we’re all settling into the change pretty nicely. Hopefully our subscription base will, too.”

We finished dinner and then went to a cupcake bar about a block away. We shared one of the biggest cupcakes I’ve ever seen (red velvet with cream cheese) and drank some coffee. After dessert we decided to go walk in a park nearby that had a gorgeous fountain. It was really romantic to sit there watching the water fall with Randy. It was unusually warm for this time of year so I took my shoes off and put my feet in the water, Randy laughed.

“Are you always this spontaneous?” He asked coyly.

“A little spontaneity never hurt anyone.”

Unfortunately, it just happened to be that moment when a police officer came into the plaza of the park and told me that I wasn’t allowed to put my feet in the fountain. I removed them and turned myself back around while mumbling “sorry, I didn’t know” while Randy giggled at me.

“Okay, so maybe spontaneity can get you into trouble.” I said laughing, “Now my feet are wet.” I said looking down.

“I’ll be right back.” Randy said getting up and walking out of sight. He came back with a handful of napkins. He knelt down and wiped my feet off then put my shoes back on. It was weird, but also oddly sexy at the same time. As he was moving to stand up I leaned in and kissed him.

We went back to our apartment building and were in front of my apartment when things got awkward. We kissed in front of my door for a couple passionate seconds, he had one arm around me and the other wrapped around my shoulders with his hand in my hair. When we broke away I leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked him seductively.

He broke away from me completely and then looked down at his watch; he looked like he was wrestling with himself internally.

“I can’t, Faith, I have a big meeting tomorrow and it’s really early. Rain check?”

“Okay.” I said trying not to sound completely bummed out.

He kissed me good night and then left. I don’t get it. We have great chemistry and it’s obvious we like each other. I thought we had a great time, so why did he blow me off? I couldn’t have made it clearer that we would have sex if he came upstairs and instead he gave me the “I have to wake up early” excuse?! WTF!?

(Today (October 7th) is the two year anniversary of this blog. I can't believe I've kept it up for this long. Thanks for reading and coming back every week, readers, most of the time reading your comments and opinions on what will happen next motivate me to keep this blog going. YOU are the reason I continue to write about Faith. Who knew that a school project would still have a life two years after the fact? -del)