Time Out

It’s been a while since I wrote last.

New Leaves

I found myself sitting in the squishy leather chair with a feeling of resignation.

Start of the Fire

In hindsight, my phone call to Adam was probably one of the more stupid things I’ve ever done and I definitely wasn’t thinking clearly when I did it. I was upset and in shock.

Box of Worms

Running with Sasha every morning has been an important solace for me. It helps clear my head and gives me the focus I need to get through every day. I haven’t been doing much outside of working and just taking care of myself. I haven’t heard from Adam at all since the weekend he left…until today.

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

So much has happened since I last posted. I’ll start with therapy…

Clean Slates

It’s been awhile since I’ve written regularly. But a lot has happened and I finally have time to tell you guys. For one, Molly and I now live in a new apartment and we are completely moved in. For two, I have a new addition to my family!

Lots and Lots of Therapy

It’s been awhile. I’m sure you’re all wondering where I’ve been for the past month. Especially after everything with Brad went down.

Not-So-Sweet Dreams

I sat in Dr. Sheehan’s office nervously fiddling with my hands. I’d just told her about my dreams and how they were making me afraid to fall asleep. Since my last post, I’ve had nightmares almost every night and I am exhausted.

“I don’t understand why this is happening. I haven’t thought of Kevin for a long time. I thought I was past all of this.” I said.

“Faith, you have PTSD from the attack, it’s natural to have things like this happen after being triggered.”

“But that’s the thing…I didn’t even feel uncomfortable about seeing his name again in that magazine. I…felt nothing. I thought I was fine, I barely thought about it after seeing the magazine.”

“It’s possible that you were affected on a subconscious level, the dreams you’ve been having would certainly suggest that.”

“Dr. Sheehan, I need to stop having these dreams. I’m exhausted. Mike and Molly are both exhausted, too. I can’t keep going on like this.” My voice cracked and I sounded as desperate as I felt.

“I can write you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine you can take before bed; that might help. Try that first. If it doesn’t work, fill the prescription for some sleeping pills I’m going to give you, but try not to rely on them, okay?”

“I’ll only use them if I absolutely have to.”

“I really want you to try the anti-anxiety meds first. I think they’ll relax you and your mind. Hopefully they’ll help you stop feeling afraid of sleeping.”

I took the prescriptions she wrote me and stuck them in my purse.

“I was doing fine until the dreams started.” I said sadly.

“Faith, PTSD is a hard disease to try and deal with. It comes and goes. You’ve had a good year, don’t look at it like a failure.”

“I just…the dreams make me scared. Like he’s going to show up in my life again at any time. Like I have no control anymore.”

“Well, he doesn’t know where you live, right?”

“Right.”

“He can’t even get a forwarding address because your apartment complex no longer exists for him to go ask for it.”

“That’s true, too.”

“You don’t even work in HR anymore, so he can’t find you that way.”

“That’s also true but I work in theatre, which is pretty public.”

“But you’re a stage manager, that’s a pretty low-key job.”

I laughed.

“You’re right. No one cares about the stage manager.”

“Kevin has very little chance of coming back into your life again even if he wanted to.”

I gave Dr. Sheehan a confused look.

“Kevin is a master-manipulator, Faith. He’s an abuser. That’s what they do. But they move on very fast. The control Kevin had on you went away as soon as he signed that piece of paper so long ago. I imagine that he’s found someone else...” She trailed off.

“Someone else to hurt.” I finished her sentence.

“It’s not your fault, Faith. This is just what men like Kevin do. They manipulate and use people until they aren’t allowed to anymore, then they find someone new. I imagine his wife got pretty tired of his behavior and she’s finally free of him. Instead of feeling sad, feel glad that she doesn’t have him in her life anymore.”

I nodded, Dr. Sheehan was right. I would never be able to do anything about Kevin at this point but being relieved for Hannah is certainly something I can do. Our session was over a little after that. I said good bye and thanked her for the prescriptions which I then promptly filled. I’m about to go to bed. I took a hot bath, made myself of sleepy time tea and took and anti-anxiety pill and I’m waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully I’ll have a much better night tonight. I think I’ll go climb into bed and snuggle with Murphy while this pill kicks in.

Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Preparations

Zoey came over for dinner and a rented movie the other night. I updated her on the situation with Sean and told her that I’m planning on surprising him on the road. She told me all about her vacation, showed me pictures, and pretty much beamed the entire time while she told me about it. She’s going to watch Murphy for me while I’m out of town so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that while I’m away.

“So, Sean was able to get his therapist to do conference calls, huh?”

“Yeah. The change is like night and day. Sean does better in therapy.”

“And how are you doing in therapy?” Zoey asked.

“I’m making progress. I think my sessions with Dr. Sheehan have really helped me heal and gain perspective with the whole Kevin situation and I feel like I’m starting to really move on from it. I think therapy has helped me become a better communicator and a more understanding person.” I said thoughtfully.

“That’s great, Faith.” Zoey gave me a hug, “So Sean has no idea you’re going to visit him?”

“None whatsoever. I’m really excited. I think he’ll appreciate it to. I think it’ll show that I’m committed to make this work just as much as he is and that I’ll do what it takes to get through this tour.”

“What if there are more tours afterward?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you and Sean seem to be focusing only on this tour but you’ve said yourself that the band is gaining more recognition and the producers are putting a lot of money into the tour. This is going to be the first one but it won’t be the last if they start to take off.”

“We’re just going to focus on one thing at a time. I think if we get ahead of ourselves it’ll make things confusing.”

“Okay.” Zoey shrugged, “Do you need a ride to the airport?”

“That would be lovely.” I said grabbing a Chinese food container and settling onto the couch.

I’m SO excited for this trip to see Sean. I think he’s going to flip, he has no idea I’m coming or that I’ve made a hotel reservation for us so that he doesn’t have to spend the night on the tour bus. I really need this little vacation, too!

Milestones

I found writing the letter about my feelings for Kevin to be extremely difficult simply because there’s so much for me to write and I was getting overwhelmed with it. I told Dr. Sheehan this at our next session and she helped me organize the main problems I had with the relationship and the aftermath which lead me to write a 5 page letter. Front and back. Then we burned it in her office on a metal disc and it was SO freeing. I really feel like I’ve made so much progress in therapy and that this was a huge milestone for me.

Speaking of progress, I think I might have made some on the Stormy situation at work. Veronica is still dodging me but I contacted the HR person for the news station and asked them if they would be willing to sit down with Veronica, Stormy, and I for a meeting to possibly re-negotiate his contract. They e-mailed me back almost immediately saying that they would be free to do that meeting whenever the time best suited the rest of us. Now I just have to get Veronica cornered in to a time which is obviously going to be the hardest part of this little operation of mine. I’m thinking I might be able to swing it though if I tell her I need to meet with her and make it a lunch meeting. It’s pretty unprofessional of me to schedule her for a meeting with me and invite others without telling her but she’s really given me no other options here. I sent her an e-mail requesting a lunch meeting and I’m waiting back to hear from her. I’m expecting her schedule to be pretty full so, unfortunately for Stormy, it’s probably going to be a few more weeks before we get this thing settled but at least I have a plan in place.

Zoey and I had a great night babysitting the twins. They are such AWESOME babies. They barely cried and their little baby giggles are just adorable. They have also gotten ginormous. Who knew babies grew so quickly? Anna and Theo were thankful for their night off but it was pretty obvious when they got home that that they missed Andrew and Weatherly quite a lot. When I got home to my apartment Murphy was super cuddly.

“Can you smell the babies?” I asked him, “Awww, someone is a jealous kitty. Don’t worry, Murphy, you will always be MY baby.”

I snuggled into bed with my laptop and Murphy and internet surfed for clothes and shoes until I could barely keep my eyes open. It’s been an interesting week. But! Sean should be coming home pretty soon for his longest stay yet and I’ve already started counting the days!

Moving On

I did some thinking about my conversation with Sean and the girls and decided that I need to drop the Guy thing. It’s not my place to make demands about someone else’s relationship. I really just need to let it go and move on. I called Sean but got his voicemail so I left a message apologizing and letting him know I wouldn’t bring it up again. Then I called Zoey and basically said the same thing.

“So I’m going to drop it.”

“That’s good to hear. Any particular reason why?”

“I just thought about it for awhile and decided that it was none of my business.”

“Did Dr. Sheehan help you at all?”

“She did, as did Sean. As always it seems my problems tend to revolve around Kevin and all the horrible things he put me through.” I sighed sadly.

“Faith, the guy hurt you in so many ways. He lied to you, he manipulated you, he was rude to you, he tried to get you fired, and he assaulted you. In front of your boyfriend! It’s okay to still be dealing with all of that.”

“But I don’t want to Zoey. I just want to pretend like I never met him and move on.”

“But you can’t, Faith. Our past experiences make us who we are. I look at it like this: Kevin was a bastard to you but it lead you to one of your healthiest relationships in a long time with a guy that wanted and still wants to help you get through everything.”

Zoey had a point and I changed the subject because I am so over talking about Kevin.

“So is your weekend free?” I asked.

“I think so, why?”

“I thought you and I could offer to watch the twins so Theo and Anna can go out for awhile or something.”

“That’s a great idea. I’ll order some movies on Netflix for us to watch while we are babysitting. You can bring the food.”

“Pizza?”

“Of course.”

“It’s the best food, really.”

“This is why we’re friends, Faith, you understand the truly important stuff in life.”

I laughed and we talked for a little longer before saying good-bye. I sent Anna an e-mail asking if she’d like for Zoey and I to give her and Theo a night off before settling in for the night. Dr. Sheehan recommended I write a letter to Kevin getting everything off my chest but I just ended up staring at a blank piece of paper for an hour. She said once I finished it, I should read it aloud and then burn it because she thought that might help me. Instead I took the contract Kevin signed and took it off my wall. Instead of being a symbol of the closure I got, it just became a reminder. I put it in the very back of my hall closet next to my Christmas decorations. I’ll try to write the letter tomorrow.

Hang Ups

I’ve been ruminating over the Guy thing for the past few days and Dr. Sheehan suggested I talk to Sean about it again to see if I had more clarity on my thoughts after going over them in my head. So when he called last night I decided that it was now or never.

“Hey.” I said smiling.

“Hey, the show tonight was great!”

“That’s awesome!”

“We even did a second encore. People are really liking our music, Faith.”

“Wow, a second encore! That reminds me, I should show you this clipping I took from the paper about the band. I forgot all about it when you were home but I’ll scan it into my computer tomorrow and e-mail it to you. It’s a really great review.”

“Sweet. So how is my favorite fiancée?”

“Um. Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Okay, I’m bothered about the Guy thing.”

Sean was silent on the other end of the line.

“I just have one question.” I said fully aware of how annoying I was being about this.

“Okay.”

“If you weren’t on the tour right now, would you tell his girlfriend?”

“Why does it matter, Faith?”

“Because it does, Sean!”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“Oh. I…I see.”

“What is the big deal?”

“It bothers me that you wouldn’t do the right thing.”

“And what exactly is the right thing, Faith?”

“Telling her!” I yelled.

“Really? Is that really what you think the right thing would be in this situation?”

“Yes!”

“And what would come of it?”

“What do you mean?”

“What good would come of me telling Guy’s girlfriend about it?”

“She would know! She could get herself tested for STDs!”

“And then what?”

“…and then she could move on from being cheated on instead of being strung along and treated badly.”

“Faith, I have known Guy for a LOT longer than I have his girlfriend. There is no reason for me to believe she is special to him.”

“What does that mean, Sean?”

“It means that I value my friendship with Guy more than a relationship he has with someone else. It’s not my place to get involved with that. I said my piece to Guy and it’s done. You’re the only one who is still hung up on it. Why?”

“Because….it makes me wonder if your friends would lie to me to cover your ass if you did something to hurt me. And I wouldn’t want that Sean. It would be humiliating for me.”

Sean was quiet on the phone for so long that I actually though we lost the connection.

“Are you really that worried that I’m going to cheat on you?”

“No. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much but it’s not because of that.”

“This is because of your last relationship, isn’t it? This is because of what Kevin did to you.”

I went to speak but was caught off guard. Is it really so obvious to everyone except for me how screwed up Kevin made me? Am I the only one who doesn’t realize it?

“Faith?”

“Yeah….I’m here.”

“You have to know that I would never do what he did to you. I would never….”

“I know. Can we just forget about this whole thing? I’ve got to go.”

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Good night Sean.”

I sat on my bed with my hand in my lap still holding the phone. Murphy jumped up next to me and meowed.

“What is wrong with me? I got closure. I moved on. Why am I letting my past interfere so much with what Sean and I have?”

All Murphy could do was meow. Looks like I’ve gotta go back to Dr. Sheehan and discuss this new revelation. I wish Kevin would stop making appearances in my life, guys. It’s just not fair.

Hot, Hot, Hot

(Author's Note: Make sure you read the post before this and check back often!)

The sex between Sean and I has been getting better, but it’s still not as good as before the Kevin thing. I thought that if I bought some sexy underwear it might make things a little better for me and it helped a little but I think it’s just one of those things that comes with time and Dr. Sheehan agrees with me. Sean has basically been living in my apartment right now because his apartment is constantly being shown to subletters and when the landlord decided to show it to someone while Sean was in the shower he decided it was time he come and live with me where his naked ass stumbling out of the shower was only visible to me and Murphy. He’ll pretty much be living with me until he leaves for the tour and then he’ll stay with me when he comes back to visit sporadically until the tour ends when he’ll move back into his apartment.

I was making us dinner (pot roast, over white rice, dinner rolls, and green beans) when Sean got home from a tour meeting. He looked exhausted.

“Do you want some sweet tea?” I asked when he came in to kiss me on the cheek as a greeting.

“That would be awesome, Martha Stewart.” I giggled and poured him a glass as he fell on the couch.

“Long day?” I asked sitting on his lap and handing him the tea.

“Yeah. This tour is going to be awesome, but it’s a huge undertaking. We met with a pyrotechnics guy today.”

“Really?”

“Yeah none of us knew they were going to include pyrotechnics in the show, the lighting design alone is more than we had imagined. They’re really shoveling money into it. It’s flattering and terrifying at the same time.”

“They know what they’re doing Sean. I’m sure you guys will do great. Besides, the last tour was pretty successful…I mean you met me while you were touring last time, I’d say that was a pretty awesome tour just from that.” I joked.

“You’re right.”

I got up and set the table and gave Sean a few quiet minutes to himself after a long day. Once Murphy was fed, dinner was served and boy was Sean hungry! There were no leftovers (I don’t blame him though, it really was one of my best dinners). After dinner I went to clean up the dishes but Sean stopped me.

“Oh no you don’t. You made this wonderful dinner so I’m going to clean up. You go relax. After I do the dishes I’m going to take you out for some gelato.

I gave him a kiss, thanked him, and then curled up in a chair with a magazine while he washed all of the dishes (I used A TON). After about an hour the dishes were done and we headed out. I got some strachiatella gelato while Sean settled for a chocolate strawberry flavor. It was so good. We took a walk in a nearby park with our gelato and eventually found a beach to walk near the lake. It was just before sunset and the water was gorgeous. There were some benches shaped like seashells that we sat on and it was such a relaxing evening stroll. I snuggled into Sean’s side while we sat and looked at the water.

“I’m going to miss you.” I said into his neck.

“I want to take you on a trip before a leave. A weekend trip.” He said out of the blue.

“Oh?” I was caught off guard.

“I was thinking we could go to a hot spring hotel place about two hours outside of the city.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” I asked.

“Awhile. So, do you want to go?”

“Yeah.” I blurted out, “When?”

“I was thinking next weekend. We could leave Friday afternoon and be back by Sunday evening.”

“Are you sure you have time for that, Sean? You’ve been having so many meetings and I’m sure you’ll have a ton of last minute errands before you leave. Don’t you want to rest so you can start the tour off on a good foot?”

“The meetings can happen without me and it’s not like I’m going to be working super hard at a hot springs hotel.”

“I wouldn’t exactly assume that. You haven’t even seen the new underwear I bought today. I’m sure it will be put to good use on a trip like this one.”

Sean raised an eyebrow and smiled at me.

“Can I see it now?”

“Nope. Wait for our trip.”

“Can’t you just buy new ones before the trip?”

“I guess,” I said, “But I wanted the lacy black teddy I bought to be a surprise.”

“Okay, we have to go home.” Sean picked me up fireman style and started running back to the park. He put me down and we were laughing really hard. I grabbed his hand as we walked back to my place.

“I love you, Faith.”

“I love you, too, Sean. We’ll get through this.”

Sean nodded, “I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“It’s for your career Sean.”

He nodded again.

“You’re right.”

Belated Valentine

Sean and I couldn’t go out on Valentine’s day because he had a big meeting about the upcoming tour and then he had to work so we planned to go out some time after Valentine’s day. I spent Valentine’s Day with my favorite little man, Murphy, instead. We watched Titanic and pigged out on Chinese food. It was a good kitty-mommy bonding night. Not going out with Sean on Valentine’s was actually really nice because we didn’t have to fight to get a table at a restaurant or wait in line at the movies or anything when we finally did go out. I definitely think this is something Sean and I should do again next year instead of fighting the Valentine’s crowds.

Our hot date ended up being a dinner and a movie date. We decided on a matinee and Sean was keeping our dinner plans under wraps so I dressed up in a strapless black cocktail dress with a white bow that tied in the back around my waist. The dress had white tulle that peaked out at the hemline and I topped it off with silver dangle earrings and white and block polka-dotted peep toe pumps that had a black accent bow. I added a white ribbon in my hair and grabbed a black cardigan in case the weather got cold.

We went to see True Grit and Sean loved it! I’ve never seen a western before, but I certainly wasn’t bored watching that one. I can see why it was nominated for an Oscar. Afterward, Sean and I went to dinner on a boat! I was really surprised at how extravagant it all was. We were served a three course dinner while the boat floated down the river. It was absolutely beautiful; the city skyline sparkled off the water and provided an unbelievably romantic and peaceful ambience.

“I can’t believe you did all of this.” I said sitting at our table.

It was draped in a deep purple table cloth with silver candle holders in the middle and a low centerpiece of white and pink roses interspersed with small, yellow flowers surrounding the candle holder bases.

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to pay me back.” Sean winked at me and sat down.

The food was absolute heaven. We had a bread basket for our first course that had all sorts of warm, fresh baked bread in it and various types of butters. I could have eaten that bread for the rest of my life. For our entrees, we had filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes, fresh mixed vegetables, and really good wine. For dessert we had a chocolate fondue set-up with fresh strawberries, vanilla pound cake cubes, pineapple chunks, and cherries for dipping. It was, hands down, the best date I have ever been on.

Once we finished dinner, the boat was still sailing so Sean and I went out onto one of the decks and took in the scenery. I was leaning against the railing and Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind to keep me warm. We stood there in a comfortable silence listening to the water lap against the sides of the boat and smelling the clean breeze coming off the water.

“I love you so much.” He whispered. His voiced seemed almost tinged with sadness.

I turned around and looked deep into his eyes, “I love you, too. Thank you for tonight, it’s been wonderful.”

Sean kissed me with more affection than he has since before my apartment was broken into and we got pretty hot and heavy against the boat railing. It has been so long since Sean has touched me like that, with that much electricity coursing through him, with that much ferocity behind his kisses. The night I had my panic attack pales in comparison to the way he was touching me last night. It was even more needy, even more hungry than I had ever expected and I went with it. After awhile, though, things started to get really out of hand.

“Whoa, there!” I giggled, “We need to wait until we get home.”

“How much longer is this damn boat ride?” He said between laughing and kisses.

He pulled me closer to him and we started dancing. There wasn’t any music but it was still nice, especially since Sean and I don’t really go out dancing all that much.

“I’m really just hiding my boner until the boat docks.” He joked.

I laughed so hard I snorted and then Sean made fun of me for the final 20 minutes of our boat ride. We took a cab back to my place because I needed to feed Murphy and Sean could not keep his hands off of me. It was pretty shocking considering how slow we’ve been taking things. He practically chased me up the stairs to my apartment! I shooed him away once I got into my apartment because Murphy was starving and found him laying across my bed in his boxers when I walked in, in what he thought was a seductive pose. I started laughing and Sean made a mock face of offense.

“Laughing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear when a girl sees him in his underwear.” He said reaching for me and untying the bow on my dress.

I kicked my shoes off and fell on top of him after taking the bow out of my hair.

“Sean, you seem really excited but I’m kind of scared.” I said, “I don’t know if I’m ready…can we slow this down like a lot?”

Sean’s face got serious, “Of course. What do you need me to do?”

“Just tell me before you do things? Maybe ask me before you do something so I can prepare for it?”

“Okay.”

What followed was some pretty awkward sex full of questions and pauses, but it was still sex. Afterward Sean asked me how I was feeling.

“I’m not sure. I thought I’d be happy when this finally happened but that’s not how I’m feeling.”

Sean’s face fell and I was quick to correct myself.

“It’s not that I’m sad, Sean. I enjoyed it. I just don’t feel as…relieved as I thought I would. I don’t feel like I’m any better, I guess, and that makes me feel disappointed.”

“I understand.”

“Was it bad for you?” I asked suddenly self conscious.

“No. I actually learned a lot about what you like and don’t like.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was pretty sexy.”

I gave Sean a kiss and we fell asleep. In hindsight, I still don’t really know what I feel about having sex, finally. I think I might have been thinking too much about what having sex meant in terms of my therapy and progress and therefore I didn’t get into it as much. Dr. Sheehan told me a few sessions ago that sex isn’t just about the act, but the intimacy involved, which is why sexual assaults can be so traumatic. So maybe I didn’t feel the way I expected to because I wasn’t fully connecting with Sean.

Getting Closer

Things with Sean have been going really well and I’ve been to see Dr. Sheehan several times since our first meeting. Right now, I got to see her two times a week and I’m not sure I’ll really post what we talk about. I mean, most of you who read this blog have already seen everything unfold over the past year and a half, anyway, so it will just be a lot of redundancy. Also, I don’t know that I want to talk about what we discuss in my sessions in general. It’s hard enough to talk about everything and I don’t really have the energy to re-hash it all over again since I usually feel really vulnerable and a little unstable emotionally after our sessions because it’s a lot harder to deal with everything than I thought it would be. At our last session I spent almost the entire time sobbing and trying to recompose myself. Dr. Sheehan said it was a good thing but it didn’t feel very good.

She did suggest something in one of our earlier sessions that I just started doing, though. We got on the topic of Kevin and how he’s been able to control my life even when he’s not in it. He’s the cause of a lot of my relationship issues with Sean, he’s the reason I am the way I am now, he’s the reason I have a hard time trusting Sean, he’s the reason I’m so damn mad. Dr. Sheehan suggested that I frame the contract he signed because it’s a symbol for me breaking the control he had over me for so long. At first, I thought it would just remind me of everything but I hung it in my hallway a few days ago and I think it’s helping.

Sean saw it hanging up yesterday and I knew he wanted to say something about it but was internally debating over whether he should.

“I know it’s bothering you.” I said in a sing-song type voice while we were making lasagna in the kitchen.

“Yeah, it is.” He said shaking his head and smiling a little.

“It was a suggestion by Dr. Sheehan. It’s been helping a little bit.”

“What’s it supposed to do?”

“Remind me that Kevin no longer has control over my life. And never will again.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that.” He said laying down another layer of lasagna sheets.

“I was skeptical at first but it seems to be a good coping tool.”

“Well, that’s all that matters to me, then.” Sean kissed my hair before putting the lasagna in the oven.

We waited for the lasagna to cook after we prepped the garlic bread and sat in my living room. I was sitting on Sean’s lap. Sean is doing really well with being more affectionate since our conversation and I’m really happy about it. Although I’ve noticed that he does get nervous and is reluctant to do more than make out for a few minutes, which I’m okay with for now. I’ve realized in my sessions with Dr. Sheehan that I’m not ready to have sex yet and that I kept seeing having sex as a signal for being completely healed which is why I’ve been trying to rush it. Having sex isn’t the end goal and sign of being completely healed; it’s just a step (albeit a big one) of the healing process. Look at me, being so healthfully aware of my needs and progress! Therapy must be working.

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”

“It does.” He said, “But if it’s something that helps you, maybe it can help me come to terms, too.”

“We’ve been invited to Anna’s baby shower.” I said after a comfortable silence.

“Isn’t that usually a girl's-only thing?” Sean asked with a confused look.

“I thought so, too, but Anna said she doesn’t want Theo to be bored and thought she’d invite you and some of his other friends to keep him company in the basement. They have a big screen TV down there, so it won’t be too bad.”

“Alright.” Sean said shrugging, “What does one usually bring to a baby shower?”

“I’ll get the gift, you can probably just bring a six pack and head down stairs while we try to guess how many toilet paper squares will fit around Anna’s belly.”

“Is that a real game?”

“Yeah, the trick is to guess a smaller number. People tend to overshoot it.”

We decided to go for a walk after dinner around the neighborhood. It was snowing lightly so we stopped and got hot chocolates from a coffee shop to keep us warm as we walked. I really enjoyed it. It felt like we were on a date and spending some great quality time with each other. It’s been ages since I felt as happy as I did last night and I’m hoping things keep getting better and Sean keeps being open with me.

Shrunk

I got to Dr. Deerhorn’s office and signed in but the secretary she had some bad news.

“Dr. Deerhorn’s daughter went into labor today so he isn’t seeing patients. However, Dr. Sheehan has offered to see his patients today. He left me a note for you to let you know that he actually recommends you see Dr. Sheehan instead of him, but if you’re not comfortable with that, I can reschedule you.”

I decided to meet with Dr. Sheehan since Dr. Deerhorn recommended him so I filled out my preliminary paperwork, turned it in, and waited. The secretary took me back to an office filled with earth tones and a soothing light. It smelled like roses and the chairs were made of soft leather.

“Dr. Sheehan will be here in a moment, please make yourself comfortable.”

The secretary closed the door and I stood in the office awkwardly. There was a chaise lounge among various chairs and I wondered if I was going to be expected to lay down during my session. I decided to sit in a chair instead because laying down just seemed strange. I wonder if Sean lays down during his sessions. Dr. Sheehan came into the room after a few moments and I was surprised because Dr. Sheehan is a woman!

“Faith, welcome. My name is Leslie Sheehan, you can call me by my first name or whatever makes you more comfortable.” She shook my hand as I took in her appearance. She’s a thin, blonde woman and was dressed in black slacks and a plum sweater. She didn’t look like a stereotypical therapist and I was kind of relieved by that.

“Thank you.”

“Dr. Deerhorn updated me on your case. This is your first visit, right?”

“Yes. Is there a reason he recommended you for me?” I asked out of curiosity.

“Well, it says in your paperwork that you’re here because you had a panic attack.”

“Oh, so you focus on anxiety issues?”

“No, Faith, I specialize in sexual assault and post-traumatic stress disorder.” She cocked her head to the side and studied my reaction.

“O-oh.” I said, shocked, “I wasn’t raped.”

“Mmm.”

She looked down at my file to see if she had misread Dr. Deerhorn’s notes.

“Would like to see your file?” She asked.

I nodded and she handed it to me. Dr. Deerhorn’s hand writing looks like a toddler’s but I was able to make out “induced panic attack” and “sexually assaulted; triggered”.

“What does triggered mean?” I asked looking up from my file.

“A trigger is something that can cause a symptom of PTSD or an overwhelming emotional response. It can be anything. A smell, a touch, a song.”

“Oh.” I handed the file back to her.

“Do you want to talk about the panic attack you had?”

“I’m not sure if there’s much to say.”

“Well, what did it feel like?”

“Hell.” I wiped my hands on my knees because I was suddenly nervous, “I couldn’t breathe, my boyfriend said I kept apologizing, and I was shaking.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

“You mean what triggered it?” I asked. In hindsight I don’t know why I became so cheeky, I think it was a defense mechanism.

She smiled and might even have laughed too quietly for me to hear, “Sure.”

“My boyfriend…um…we were,” I started turning red and couldn’t finish the sentence. I looked down at my hands which were playing with my shirt at that point.

“I know it seems embarrassing, Faith, but you should know that I won’t judge you here.”

“He tried to take my jeans off and I freaked out.”

“According to your file you weren’t raped.”

“No, I wasn’t. My boyfriend beat the shit out of the guy before he had the chance.”

“Good.” I looked up from my hands, surprised. Dr. Sheehan had a content look on her face and raised her eyebrows at my surprise.

I realized that she specializes in treating sexual assault victims and has probably heard a lot worse than what happened to me. It made me like her more; it can’t be easy to hear women describe their rapes day in and day out.

“It was an ex-boyfriend.” I said, “He was drunk.”

“Which time?”

Our eyes met and I realized she knew more about my assault than I realized. I only glanced at my chart but it was all in there.

“Both?”

“You seemed pretty okay after the first time, right?”

“I didn’t have a panic attack, if that’s what you’re asking.” I got really defensive and sounded like an angry teenager. I’m embarrassed by my behavior in hindsight. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair.

“What are your goals for therapy, Faith?” Dr. Sheehan showed no signs of annoyance at my behavior.

The question caught me off guard, “What?”

“What do you want to get out of this?”

“I want to communicate my needs better and I want to be able to have sex again without throwing up in a paper bag or sobbing hysterically.”

“And?” I looked at Dr. Sheehan with a confused set of eyes. She set aside my file on an end table and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

“How do you feel about what happened to you?”

“Pissed. I’m angry because I finally got Kevin to leave me alone but he’s still controlling my life and causing problems with Sean. I wanted freedom and he took that away from me, so I’m pissed.”

“If you want to do therapy, I can help you feel like you have control over your life again along with the goals you outlined. The thing is your goals aren’t going to come until I help you get your control back.”

“Okay.”

We talked about some more logistical things, like how often I’ll see her and how long we think I’ll be in therapy, if I want to try medication (I don’t) and other boring things. I like Dr. Sheehan and I made a personal note to myself to not be so full of ‘tude the next time I visit her.