Dr. Zoey

“Wow. That seems so….bizarre.” Zoey said after I told her what happened with Brad.

“Right? It’s like I’ve finally seen his true colors or something.”

We were having lunch in Zoey’s office at work (Anna was out sick with the stomach flu or she would have been there with us). I’d told her about the fight I’d had with Brad and how he called me and apologized, which I accepted, but I was still uneasy about his behavior.

“I’m a little more surprised by YOUR reaction, though.” Zoey eyed me over her chicken sandwich.

“What?”

“Well, that would have been the perfect opportunity to end things and that was the goal-”

Zoey stopped talking when she noticed my shifty, embarrassed eyes.

“…oh, are we not trying to get Brad to dump us anymore?”

I felt bad. I realized just how out of the loop Anna and Zoey were and made a mental note to spend more time with them before I started tearing up. Zoey looked alarmed and reached for a tissue.

“Faith, what…?”

“I’m so confused!” I blurted out, “I don’t know WHAT I want from whatever I’m doing with him. I don’t KNOW if I have feelings for him.”

I covered my face with the tissue more out of embarrassment than anything else.

“Do you think the way you felt during your fight might indicate that you HAVE developed feelings for him?” Zoey asked with her hand on my knee.

“What do you mean?” I asked with confusion.

“Well…why do you think it bothered you so much that he wasn’t being supportive or listening to you? Generally we only expect those things from people we care about and who we think care about us, right?”

I didn’t say anything because Zoey DID have a point. I felt embarrassed after opening up to Brad and him basically ignoring my feelings and trying to initiate sex when I was SO not into it. Would I have felt that way if I didn’t have feelings for him? Would I have even wanted to open up to him if I didn’t have feelings for him?

I had been quiet for awhile.

“Faith?” Zoey spoke up.

I looked at her.

“It’s okay if you DO have feelings for him. It’s also okay if you don’t, but you really need to figure that out.”

“I know.” I said tiredly, “That’s what Molly said, too. That’s what I tell myself all the time.”

“How do you not know yet?” Zoey was frank, “You’ve been dating for months. What exactly are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know. Usually I know if I have feelings for someone because I get nervous to see them, but it's a happy nervous. I actually look forward to seeing them and being with them."

"And you don't get that with Brad?"

"Sometimes...There are times where I think I could love him, where things are fun and he’s great and I just need to let myself open up to the possibility. But then there are other times where he drives me nuts, in a bad way, and doesn’t seem to be all that invested in who I actually am. Instead it’s like he sees me as this person he’s built up in his head and it’s not really who I am. But that’s not all Brad’s fault. I’m certainly responsible for him thinking I’m the person he’s imagined.”

“How so?”

“Well, like, he told me he loved me when I was at work and I said it back even though I KNOW that’s not the case. I just said it because I didn’t want him to make a scene. And I never told him that I didn’t mean it when we were in a more appropriate place.”

Zoey sighed and was quiet for awhile.

“Oh, Faith.”

“I know, I’ve made a huge mess of things. This was supposed to be so straight forward and so easy. It was stupid of me to think I could fake a relationship and have there be no consequences.”

“It was stupid of us to encourage you to do it, too. I think Molly, Anna, and I just didn’t want you to go down the same road you went down with Sean so we thought encouraging you to have a rebound was a good idea. But I don’t think we really thought that through, either.”

“Oh, trust me, Zoey, I got myself into this. You guys were just being supportive and I was just being stupid. Even if you had told me not to get involved with Brad I’m sure I would have anyway. You know me, the queen of bad decisions.”

“So…what are you going to do with Brad?” She asked sadly.

“I don’t know.” I sighed.

I took a bite of my sandwich wrap and chewed it slowly.

“Molly thinks I don’t have feelings for him.” I said, “She thinks that if I was going to develop feelings for him, I would have by now.”

“I can see her point. You guys have been together for awhile. He’s told you that he loves you. You’re obviously not progressing NEARLY as fast as Brad thinks you guys are. Do you think the reason you could be so confused is because you think you owe Brad out of guilt or something?”

“I guess it’s possible. I’ve always felt guilty for how I’ve treated Brad in the past. It’s possible that I just don’t want to end things because I feel like he deserves a good try at the being in a relationship thing.”

“Is three months a good enough of a try?” Zoey asked.

I sighed again.

“Is it really a try if I spent the majority of it trying to sabotage it?”

Zoey took a bite of her sandwich and just raised her eyebrows.

We continued eating in silence. I have a lot to think about.