Waiting

I sat in the doctor’s office twitching my foot nervously. I had just peed in a cup to confirm that I was pregnant, which a nurse took. Molly and I were left in the exam room to wait. It seemed like an eternity had passed when the doctor finally walked in.

She had light brown hair and thick, black glasses that matched her sensible black pumps. She was wearing a wrap dress in a calming blue color.

“Hi, Faith. I’m Dr. Green.”

She shook my hand and I said hello then she sat on a stool with wheels on it and perused my chart.

“Well, Faith, the pregnancy test was positive, so we sh-”

Any hope I’d had that the test was wrong flew out the window and I started crying. Molly reached to hold my hand. Dr. Green did not appear surprised by my reaction, I imagine it wasn’t the first time the news of a positive pregnancy test wasn’t well-received.

“I’m sorry.” I said trying to compose myself.

Dr. Green handed me a tissue.

“I just don’t know how this happened. I’m on the pill. I rarely miss a pill and my boyfriend uses condoms almost always.”

“Did a condom break?” She asked.

“No. He never mentioned that.”

“Were you taking any antibiotics?”

I immediately became nauseous. I had taken antibiotics for the strep throat and bronchitis I had earlier in April. My heart leapt up into my throat and I nodded. Not only that, but Brad and I had not used a condom only one time shortly after I started feeling better but was still taking the antibiotics.

“On your chart it says the birth control pills you take have estrogen and progesterone in them…antibiotics can reduce the efficiency of those.”

I felt like a truck had knocked the wind out of me. How could I have been so stupid?

“I…” I looked at Dr. Green helplessly.

“If you need some time, I can come back. We should do an ultrasound at some point.”

“I’m…I’m okay.”

Dr. Green nodded and pulled out the ultrasound machine.

“Lift up your shirt please. This is some gel that will help get a better picture of the fetus. It might be cold.”

She squirted some translucent gel with a bluish tint onto my abdomen, turned the machine on, and pressed the probe onto my skin. I looked at the screen waiting to see something show up or to have Dr. Green point something out.

 “You look like you’re about 6 weeks….” She was looking at the screen and pointed to a grayish white spot, “See this here? That’s the fetus.”

I stared at it and felt like I was going to throw up.

“Would you like a picture of it?” She asked.

I didn’t know how to answer her.

“Um….no.” I said slowly.

Dr. Green nodded and began to put the machine away. She wiped my tummy off and then sat down on a small stool with wheels next to a counter.

“Well, Faith, we can discuss your options at this point, if you’d like. I can certainly refer you to the clinic you mentioned when you made your appointment. You will have to go through mandatory counseling there, as well.”

“I’d just like the referral.” I said staring down at my hands.

“Okay.” Dr. Green said. She pulled out an official-looking piece of paper, wrote a few notes on it and checked a couple boxes before handing it to me, “Is there anything else you, need Faith?”

“No.”

I thanked her and she left Molly and I in the room together. We stared at each other sadly.

I took a shaky breath before standing up from the exam table and slowly walking out of the room.

In the car, Molly tried to make conversation but my heart was just too heavy.

“Are you hungry? I could stop somewhere…”

I shook my head.

“I’m not going to tell Brad…at least not until after it’s done. He won't understand.” I said quietly, more to myself than to Molly.

Molly nodded.

I called the clinic when we got home. I have to go there and listen to someone counsel me about my options and have an ultrasound done and then wait at least 24 hours. Then I can get it done. They only offer abortions on Saturdays and couldn’t fit me in for my first appointment this week so I have to go in next Thursday and then I can get it done next Saturday. The next week and a half is going to be the longest one of my life.