I have not heard from Sean since I kicked him out and it wasn’t until this morning that I realized that we still had our appointment with Mike booked for the 28th. I sighed and grabbed my phone before I sat down and called Mike to let him know that Sean and I would no longer be needing his services. It wasn’t exactly a conversation I wanted to have but I bit the bullet and got it over with because I’m sure Sean wasn’t going to do it.
“Hi, I need to cancel my appointment with Mike. It’s for the 28th.”
“Okay.” His secretary said, “When would you like to reschedule.”
“Uh…never.” I said awkwardly.
“Okay. I’ll cancel your appointment and let Mike know you called. He usually likes to call his patients back after a cancellation.”
“Okay.” I said. For a second I thought that the conversation with the secretary would be enough. I wasn’t looking forward to having to explain this all to Mike.
A few hours later, he called my cell phone.
“Hello?” I said.
“Faith. Hi. It’s Mike. I just saw that you cancelled your appointment for the 28th.”
“Yeah. Sean and I don’t really have a need to see you anymore.”
“Oh? Is that because you feel you’ve made enough progress?”
The anger I had over the situation with Sean came bubbling out in my response.
“Um. No. It would be on account of Sean knocking up the woman he cheated on me with and me kicking his ass out.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that.” Mike said gently, “I thought you two were making a lot of progress but I understand why you no longer want to continue trying for a relationship completely.”
“Yeah, our relationship has hit a level of ‘messy’ and ‘complicated’ that I never thought I’d ever have to deal with in my entire life and I’ve decided to cut my losses.”
“Well, I’m really sorry, Faith. You made a strong effort. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out the way we want them to.”
“Tell me about it.” I snorted.
“I wish you all the best.” Mike said.
“Thanks.” And I hung up.
I’ve been sitting here, stewing in my anger for the past few days (I have not shed a single damn tear) and the more I think about the past year and everything Sean put me through, I can’t help but feel even angrier. I can’t believe how much I allowed myself to sacrifice my own needs for Sean’s and also how much I allowed myself to sacrifice who I am as a human being. In the past year, I got engaged, had a one-year anniversary, started seeing a therapist to deal with the guilt my boyfriend caused me to have for being assaulted by my ex-boyfriend, was cheated on…on my anniversary, had more fights with Sean than I can count, I’ve barely seen my friends, I allowed myself to be accused of infidelity by my boyfriend because I felt bad for him, and I ignored all of that because I kept telling myself that Sean made me happy when practically everyone in my life could see that I wasn’t. I allowed my love for someone to cloud the reality of our relationship and I feel incredibly embarrassed about that.