Randy and I went out tonight. Before he picked me up I decided that I was definitely going to tell him what happened with Sean but that was a lot more difficult to actually do.
“Hey, you look amazing.” He said when I opened the door, “I got us reservations at this fancy wine bar, I think you’ll really like it.”
I didn’t feel like the beginning of our date was the best time since he made reservations and everything. Dinner was delicious and the wine was excellent but I tried to make sure I didn’t overindulge so I could be clear-headed when we talked later.
We went for a walk in a nearby park because the weather has been unusually warm this year. I was telling Randy about my upcoming house guest.
“Yeah, he’s supposed to show up on Friday. His girlfriend doesn’t know where I live which is why he asked to stay with me for awhile.”
“And you guys work together?”
“Yeah, he’s a journalist and also a part-time newscaster for the television station our paper is connected to.”
“I think that’s really nice of you, Faith, opening your home like that. You’re such a generous person.”
“Thanks.” I said half-heartedly.
I couldn’t bring myself to ruin Randy’s night so I pushed back telling him until we said goodbye for the night.
I was standing at his door and steeled myself up. Randy gave me a kiss before opening the door to his apartment.
“Randy…wait…I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Is everything okay? You look upset?”
“Remember when I told you about my ex-boyfriend?”
“His name is Sean and he wasn’t just my ex-boyfriend. We were engaged.”
“Oh, uh, wow.” Randy looked confused.
“The reason I’m telling you this because I-”
Just then Teddy ran around the door and hugged Randy’s waist.
“Daddy! Daddy! Stacy let me watch a movie and we got pizza!”
“Oh, is that so? I’m glad you had fun, buddy.”
“Hi, Faith! You want to come in and play Legos?”
“Hi Teddy, I’m sorry but I can’t tonight, maybe some other time alright?” I said messing up Teddy’s hair.
“Okay. Dad! I want to show you what I built with my Legos! Come on Daddy!”
Teddy started pulling Randy’s hand to make him go and Randy looked at me searchingly.
“Go.” I said, “It wasn’t important.”
Randy waved goodbye and I walked up to my apartment feeling terribly alone.
“Why are you here?” I asked Sean.
He was leaning against my door.
“Why do I usually come here?”
“Go away.” I said pulling out my keys.
“You look nice, Faith.”
“Yeah, well, I like to look nice when I go out with my boyfriend.”
“Oh. Did you tell him?”
“Have you told Karen yet?”
“Touché.” He said shrugging.
I unlocked my door and let him go in before me.
“Sean I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel terrible about it and I don’t want to lie to Randy anymore. He has a kid. I won’t just be hurting Randy when I tell him.”
“Then why bother telling him? Just break up with him.”
I turned to look at Sean.
“You know…I really thought you were a completely different person. Have you really changed that much since we first met? The person I knew valued honesty and commitment. Who are you?”
“You’ve changed, too, Faith. Things were different a year ago.”
“A year ago, the cracks in our relationship started forming.”
“Things are different now.” He said, “It’s okay if we’ve both grown up since then.”
“But you’re not a better person…the person I was in love with is not who you are anymore. The sooner we both realize that, the better.”
“I think we’ve both realized that we aren’t the same people. But let’s be real, here, Faith, doing this is making it easier for us to move on.”
“Do you really believe that Sean? Doing this is making me miserable, just like our relationship did.”
“Then why did you let me inside just now?” He said eyeing the door.
I didn’t have an answer for him. I looked down and felt my eyes start to burn with hot tears.
“Don’t cry, Faith.” He said hugging me.
He wiped my tears away, lifted my chin up, and pulled my lips to his. I hate myself for enjoying it; for missing his touch; for missing him. Sean actually ended up spending the night. I was getting ready to leave for work when he walked out of my bedroom completely naked. He came up to me and pushed a strand of hair back and kissed my forehead.
“Karen is going to wonder where you are.” I said pouring coffee into my travel mug as an excuse to turn away from him.
“She’s out of town right now.”
“Oh.” I said tightly, “There’s food in the fridge and I made coffee, so feel free to have some before you leave. I have to go to work. Bye.”
I left him in the kitchen. Sean seems so much happier about what we are doing than I am. Maybe he just hides it better than me.