From the Ashes

Stormy was out at a New Year’s Eve party tonight. He’s still mad. I don’t know if he’s mad at me, per say, or if he’s just mad at the work situation overall but he told me he just wanted some space so I’ve been giving it to him. Sean came over for New Year’s Eve.

“Where’s Karen?” I asked when I let him in.

“She’s still visiting her parents and sister for the holidays.”

“And she didn’t bring you?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to go. It’s not like our relationship is one either of us wanted.”

I kind of felt sorry for Sean when he said that. We made small talk about the holidays and shared a bottle of wine while we watched the countdown on television. When the clock struck midnight, Sean went to kiss me but both of us got texts at the same time. His from Karen, mine from Stormy (a hopeful sign). I’m kind of relieved that Sean wasn’t the person I kissed at midnight this year. While he was responding to his text from Karen, I put the wine and glasses away and was struck with a fire I haven’t felt in ages.

I leaned against the living room doorway with my arms crossed and watched as Sean finished up his texting with Karen. He stood up and came over to me and then started kissing me.

But I stopped him.

“What the Hell are we doing, Sean?” I asked tiredly.

“Kissing.” He said.

I let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed my forehead with my hand.

“You’re in a relationship that you have no commitment to and I’ve allowed you to drag me into it with you. The only thing I’m getting out of this is guilt. What are you getting out of this?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I don’t want to do this anymore, Sean! I am SO unhappy with you. And you don’t even seem to CARE! Don’t you at least feel bad for betraying Karen the SAME WAY you betrayed me?”

“Like, Karen and I are going to be together for much longer.” Sean said.

I looked at Sean with horror.

“Does she even know how you feel or do you lie and pretend like everything is fine?”

“Faith, I’m trying to get through the weird twists and turns my life has taken. I never wanted any of this!”

“Yeah, but you aren’t working through it. You’re barely even addressing it! You’re going to be a DAD Sean! You can’t spend the rest of your life resenting Karen for a stupid mistake you both made together and you DEFINITELY don’t get to keep punishing me for not wanting to be included in it!”

“You think I’m punishing you?” He asked quietly and sincerely.

“That’s what it feels like for me, Sean. My friends won’t talk to me because of you. I cheated on someone I cared about with you. I have lost so much and you haven’t lost anything.”

“Faith, you are the only thing I have that reminds me of what I had before everything went to Hell.”

“Wrong. You don’t have me. You gave me up when you and Karen had sex on our anniversary and you don’t get to wallow in sadness about that because YOU made that choice. No one else. I think it’s time you accepted what is happening in your life and get your act together because my apartment isn’t going to be some weird sanctuary for you when your life gets too heavy to deal with, Sean. Not anymore. I have my own life to live and I don’t want you in it anymore.”

My words hung in the air between us.

“So, this is how you’re ending things?” He asked.

“You don’t get it, do you, Sean? We were over in August and your decisions are what ended things. You don’t get to act like I’m the one who hurt you. You need to go home to your pregnant girlfriend and nursery and grow the fuck up because I’m not going to sit here and hold your hand and give you comfort while you live two separate lives. You don’t get to live your life with me anymore. I don’t want you to call me or text me or contact me at all. I thought we could be friends somewhere down the line but I just want to be free of you and the damage you did and I can’t do that when you are constantly showing up on my doorstep reminding me of what happened all over again. I can’t begin to move on and heal when you are still around. And if you ever REALLY cared about me you would let me go.”

Sean didn’t say anything. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but never did. In the end he nodded and left. I told him good bye before I closed the door with a sense of finality I hadn’t ever had with our relationship before. I sat on the couch feeling numb for awhile until I heard Stormy come home.

“Faith?” He asked when he came around the corner of the hallway, “Are you okay?”

He sat next to me on the couch. I shook my head and started crying into his chest.

“He’s……gone…….for……real…..I…..ended it.” I sobbed.

Stormy patted my hair and let me cry. I cried the tears I should have cried in August but was too proud and angry to allow. I cried for how hurt I’ve felt and for doing things I will never be able to take back. I cried because I chose to sacrifice my friendships over a guy who was no good for me. Stormy was there for all of it. He’s the only friend I have left and he was there to watch me fall apart and then put myself back together. I eventually stopped crying and we sat together for awhile.

“Now what?” Stormy asked.

“Now I move on. Finally.” I said.