Relapse

On a spur of the moment, Zoey, Molly, and I decided to do a book club sort of thing together. We’ve all been meaning to read the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin but none of us have gotten around to it yet so we thought we could all read it together. Adam pointed out to me that the series hasn’t actually been finished yet, that there are still two books to be written, but these books are huge and will take me forever to get through so I think the next one will at least be published by the time I’m ready to start reading it.

Molly and I headed over to Zoey’s place early on Sunday morning to talk about the first half of the book together and have brunch.

“I think Joffrey is such a brat.” Molly said.

“Me, too. I think Tyrion is my favorite character so far.” I said knocking on Zoey’s door.

When the door opened, Zoey was not the one standing there.

“Hello ladies.”

Wesley had a towel wrapped low on his waist and water dripped down his chiseled chest. His surfer-dude blonde hairstyle was dripping water on the floor.

“Uh…” Molly said.

“Hi Wesley.” I tried to hide my shock, “We’re here to see Zoey….did…did she forget we were coming by?”

“Clearly.” Molly muttered under her breath.

I nudged her in the ribs as we entered Zoey’s apartment. I heard the shower running. We had obviously interrupted Zoey’s morning. Molly and I sat awkwardly on Zoey’s couch while Wesley sipped from a cup of coffee. His slurps punctuated the overwhelming awkward silence that had fallen between us.

“Um…how…how have you been, Wes?” I asked trying to make things less awkward.

“Good.” He nodded, “Real great. I just got back from a photo shoot in Bali a few weeks ago. It was lovely. Hey, I’m real sorry to hear about Anna…”

Molly and I nodded placidly. When Zoey finally walked into the living room with a robe on she froze. Apparently Wesley hadn’t told her she had visitors. She asked him to follow her to the kitchen where we heard rapid whispering followed by Wesley heading into her bedroom and closing the door.

“D-do you guys want some coffee?” Zoey asked from the kitchen.

“I think we’re good. We got a pretty big wake-up call about 15 minutes ago.” Molly called back.

Zoey sat in a chair with a coffee mug right as Wesley walked out of her bedroom fully dressed with his messenger bag slung across his chest. He bent down and gave her a totally inappropriate kiss to give in front of other people before leaving out the front door. Molly and I watched him go and then slowly looked at Zoey, she sipped her coffee and said nothing.

“Okay, well I guess I’ll start. What the HELL, Zoey?” I said.

“It’s not a big deal.” She said.

“Uh, yeah it is,” I spat back at her, “When I was sleeping with Sean after we broke up, you gave me the cold shoulder for WEEKS and were a judgmental ass about it the whole time but when you do the SAME EXACT THING it’s suddenly not a big deal?”

I was surprised by how angry I was with her.

“It’s NOT the same.” Zoey said.

“Yes it is! It’s exactly the same!”

“No it’s not!”

“How is it not the same?”

“Do you REALLY want to open THAT door?” She asked me angrily.

I gave her a challenging look as Molly looked between the two of us.

“Okay, fine! For one, I’m not cheating on anyone by sleeping with Wesley like you were with Sean and Randy!”

It was a low blow and she knew it.

“Second, my relationship with Wesley wasn’t a toxic fucking wasteland like yours was with Sean! And lastly, I’m not just fucking him like you did with Sean because you were sad and lonely, Faith, I actually want to get back together with him!”

Zoey and I stared at each other hotly.

“Wow.” I crossed my arms, “Do you feel better now that you’ve laid your self-righteousness out on the table? Only Zoey is allowed to have complicated relationships with the men in her life?”

I got up and looked down at her.

“Anna would be so ashamed of you.”

I knew I hit her where it hurt but I dropped my book on her coffee table, turned on my heel, and strode out of her apartment without looking back.

I walked around outside stewing over our fight and ended up walking to Adam’s.

“Hey.” He said opening the door.

I hadn’t told him I was coming over. He was wearing a black Henley and light wash jeans and smelled like he’d just showered. I practically attacked him as soon as he opened the door. My mouth was on his and my body was pressed against him as I kicked off my shoes and dropped my bag. We stumbled around as he tried to close his door with one hand but he eventually gave up and just pushed me against it until it closed. I pulled him against me hard, so I was between him and the door. I had one leg hiked over his hip and my shirt was off.

“I want it rough.” I whispered into his ear as he nibbled my neck.

He pulled away and gave me a searching, hesitant look but I kissed him hard and nipped at his bottom lip before he could do anything more and that sort of set everything that followed off.

His hands roved over my bra and down to my butt where he lifted me against his pelvis and walked me over to his couch. He fell on top of me and I pulled his shirt off. My nails dug into his back as he bit down my neck, deftly took off my bra, and nipped at my breasts. We ended up rolling off of his couch and onto the floor where he pulled off my jeans and, literally, ripped my underwear off. He gruffly unzipped his jeans and took them and his underwear off before pushing into me.

He thrust into me so hard that we actually ended up a foot from where we originally started as my back scraped against his floor about an inch with each pulse. I pushed him off me and turned over so he could take me from behind. My breasts rubbed roughly against the coarse carpet underneath me with each thrust and I cried out. I felt him slow to see if I was okay which actually made me angrier (I admit this was not a rational response, this whole situation wasn’t, but we’ll get to that later…) so I got on top of him and moved my hips fast and hard as my nails dug into his shoulders. He had his back resting against his couch with his legs stretched out on the floor as I straddled him violently. I grabbed one of his hands and put it between my legs as I slammed down on top of him rhythmically. His other hand was on my breast and he painfully played with my nipple, I pulled him to me and bit his lip as I continued moving up and down roughly. My breasts rubbed against his chest and I took his free hand and put two of his fingers in my mouth and scraped them with my teeth as I slowly pulled them out.

Adam roughly gripped my upper thighs with his hands and spread them even more so I could take him deeper. His fingers dug into my thighs painfully and his mouth left hot kisses on my neck. I felt my body start to tighten and started moving even faster. When I came my nails dug into the sides of Adam’s chest and I collapsed into him and screamed out in pain and pleasure simultaneously. It hurt but it felt so good and I felt all of my anger leave my body. He moved my hips back and forth roughly as I came. I felt his hands grip my thighs even harder and heard him call out hoarsely as I felt him come inside me.

I laid my head on Adam’s shoulder and pulled my arms inward over my chest, his arms hung down over my legs and his hands were limp as they rested over my buttocks. We were both panting heavily and covered in sweat. We stayed like that, with him inside me and his back against his couch, for a long time.

“I think you should come over when I’m not expecting you a lot more often.” Adam joked after our breathing had slowed; he rubbed my back with his hands gently.

I laughed.

“So…uh….what was all of this about?” He asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I snuggled my face into the crook of his neck.

“You can’t use sex, especially THAT kind of sex, to avoid talking about your problems, Faith.” Adam said quietly.

I sighed and looked at him.

“Zoey and I had a fight….a….a REALLY bad fight.”

I sat up straight and held myself. Adam reached over and grabbed his shirt and put it on me.

“That’s a good look.” He gave me that half smile that I found irresistible.

I kissed him.

“Ow.” He pulled away and touched his lip.

It was bleeding. We shared a look and then burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry.” I said, “I must’ve gotten really carried away.”

I looked around the room and smiled. There were couch pillows tossed askew, clothes thrown all over, a lamp was over turned, my shoes were in random places, the coffee table was pushed up against the entertainment center. I gently put my hands on his chest, which had red streaks running down it from my nails digging into him.

“What did you guys fight about?” He prodded.

I told him the whole story from that morning.

“I don’t even know why I got so angry with her.” I reflected.

“Do you think that you were hurt because she just hadn’t told you about this?” Adam asked thoughtfully.

I was struck.

“You know…I think that’s exactly why. Or at least partly why.” I felt stupid for not realizing it earlier and I was ashamed of myself for reacting with anger towards Zoey.

“I wish I could take back everything I said….” I said quietly.

“I’m sure she does, too.” Adam replied, “You should talk to her.”

“I will…but….I just want some time. I think we both need space.”

Adam was quiet for a moment and then traced his finger down my chest over his shirt, his finger trailed down between my breasts and stopped just under my belly button.

“I like it when you wear my clothes.”

“My boobs do look pretty good in this shirt.” I said looking down, “Are you a boobs or an ass man?”

“I’m a Faith man.”

Adam pulled me in for a soft, gentle kiss. I felt him get hard inside me and started slowly rocking my hips. I felt him smile mid-kiss and his hands worked their way under the shirt and pulled it off. That time wasn’t nearly as rough as earlier. It was slow and sweet and fun.

After we put his living room back together, I showered and came out wrapped in towel with my hair up in another one and went to my drawer to get dressed. There was a box in it. I put it aside and changed quickly.

“What’s this?” I asked walking into the living room where Adam sat, shirtless, watching television.

“Oh, I thought you could use a fancy dress for our night out. I know you’ve had a limited selection since the fire.” He said.

I was touched. I had never dated anyone who bought me actual clothing. I know that sounds materialistic but I’m fairly certain I’ve only ever received lingerie from boyfriends, never actual clothes. For whatever reason, this gift felt a thousand times more intimate than any of the lace see-through teddies or thongs I’ve received.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. But I wanted to.”

I sat next to him and put the box on my lap delicately, the bow came undone easily and I lifted off the lid. It was a beautiful emerald green cocktail dress made from the softest material I’d ever felt. It was strapless and had a black and silver belt around the waist.

“Adam…”

I looked up at him speechless. He looked almost embarrassed.

“Congrats on closing your show.” He smiled at me shyly.

I put the dress aside and gave him a hug that felt more intimate than anything else we’d done that day.

“It’s beautiful.” I whispered in his ear.

We decided to order Chinese and watch movies for the rest of the night when I got back from work. I had been thinking about the events of the day since I left his apartment for work and I wasn’t feeling nearly as good as I had when I left. We had just settled onto Adam’s couch when I worked up the courage to ask him a question that had been running through my mind all night. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.

“Can I ask you something kind of uncomfortable?” I said looked over at him as he piled his General Tso’s chicken on a plate.

“Okay.” He gave me a wary look.

“What do you think about that whole situation with Sean? I mean you were there…you saw more of that than Zoey ever did, in a way. I know how she feels but you and I? We’ve never talked about it…”

“Um. I generally don’t think about it…”

“Well, I know no boyfriend likes to think about their girlfriend’s ex boyfriends b-”

“It’s not because he’s your ex-fiancé, Faith,” Adam’s correction did not go unnoticed by me, “It’s because you…”

Adam put his plate down and shifted himself so he was facing me directly.

“He treated you like shit, Faith, and you just accepted it. From an outsider’s perspective, which is what I was, it was frustrating and hard to watch.”

I was reminded of Zoey’s justification for freezing me out after she found out that I was still involved with Sean. It was practically an echo of Adam’s words.

“But the worst of it? Was the person you became for awhile. You are so much better than who that person was.”

I picked at my beef fried rice and smiled sadly.

“What if I’m not?” I looked up at him, “Am I really all that different than I was then?”

Adam looked at me.

“The evidence is there.” I said, “I mean, I’ve cheated on…people…since then. I still struggle to deal with my feelings. After Anna died I pretty much just stopped living for weeks…I just dealt with my anger today by having sex with you….the way I did…which…Adam I’ve done that before with someone else.”

“What are you saying?” He asked.

“I’m saying that I don’t think I am different. I mean, if I’d met Brad on the street on the way to your place, who’s to say I wouldn’t have just fallen into bed with him again? This is a pattern for me, maybe I got mad at Zoey today because what she said is still true? My behavior today was a relapse to how I was before…”

“Faith.” He could tell I was upset, “But you didn’t. You didn’t go off and cheat on me. When Anna died, you pulled yourself out of that. And we talk more about how we both feel than people do in a Lifetime movie. That makes all the difference in the world. Progress is hard because you can’t see if you’ve made any until you’re way down the road. I can see the progress you’ve made. I can see how different of a person you are. I hope you can see what I see someday.”

I nodded to end the conversation, not because I agreed with him.

I’ve been thinking about our conversation almost constantly and I will bring it up in therapy but I just have so many thoughts in my head. The fight with Zoey stings more than it should, I think. The anger I felt was the kind of anger I’ve felt before…when I was with Sean. I don’t know where it came from or why it showed up after so long. I don’t know if my fight with Zoey just brought all of those feelings back but I do know that I dealt with those feelings of anger, anxiety, and pain the same way I did a year and a half ago; briefly, I lost myself and I felt like I was reliving New Year’s Eve with Brad in Bruno’s bathroom, only this time it was with my boyfriend instead of someone else.

I feel so betrayed which sounds crazy but it’s true. I betrayed myself after working so hard and I’m ashamed of it.