Not-So-Sweet Dreams

I sat in Dr. Sheehan’s office nervously fiddling with my hands. I’d just told her about my dreams and how they were making me afraid to fall asleep. Since my last post, I’ve had nightmares almost every night and I am exhausted.

“I don’t understand why this is happening. I haven’t thought of Kevin for a long time. I thought I was past all of this.” I said.

“Faith, you have PTSD from the attack, it’s natural to have things like this happen after being triggered.”

“But that’s the thing…I didn’t even feel uncomfortable about seeing his name again in that magazine. I…felt nothing. I thought I was fine, I barely thought about it after seeing the magazine.”

“It’s possible that you were affected on a subconscious level, the dreams you’ve been having would certainly suggest that.”

“Dr. Sheehan, I need to stop having these dreams. I’m exhausted. Mike and Molly are both exhausted, too. I can’t keep going on like this.” My voice cracked and I sounded as desperate as I felt.

“I can write you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine you can take before bed; that might help. Try that first. If it doesn’t work, fill the prescription for some sleeping pills I’m going to give you, but try not to rely on them, okay?”

“I’ll only use them if I absolutely have to.”

“I really want you to try the anti-anxiety meds first. I think they’ll relax you and your mind. Hopefully they’ll help you stop feeling afraid of sleeping.”

I took the prescriptions she wrote me and stuck them in my purse.

“I was doing fine until the dreams started.” I said sadly.

“Faith, PTSD is a hard disease to try and deal with. It comes and goes. You’ve had a good year, don’t look at it like a failure.”

“I just…the dreams make me scared. Like he’s going to show up in my life again at any time. Like I have no control anymore.”

“Well, he doesn’t know where you live, right?”

“Right.”

“He can’t even get a forwarding address because your apartment complex no longer exists for him to go ask for it.”

“That’s true, too.”

“You don’t even work in HR anymore, so he can’t find you that way.”

“That’s also true but I work in theatre, which is pretty public.”

“But you’re a stage manager, that’s a pretty low-key job.”

I laughed.

“You’re right. No one cares about the stage manager.”

“Kevin has very little chance of coming back into your life again even if he wanted to.”

I gave Dr. Sheehan a confused look.

“Kevin is a master-manipulator, Faith. He’s an abuser. That’s what they do. But they move on very fast. The control Kevin had on you went away as soon as he signed that piece of paper so long ago. I imagine that he’s found someone else...” She trailed off.

“Someone else to hurt.” I finished her sentence.

“It’s not your fault, Faith. This is just what men like Kevin do. They manipulate and use people until they aren’t allowed to anymore, then they find someone new. I imagine his wife got pretty tired of his behavior and she’s finally free of him. Instead of feeling sad, feel glad that she doesn’t have him in her life anymore.”

I nodded, Dr. Sheehan was right. I would never be able to do anything about Kevin at this point but being relieved for Hannah is certainly something I can do. Our session was over a little after that. I said good bye and thanked her for the prescriptions which I then promptly filled. I’m about to go to bed. I took a hot bath, made myself of sleepy time tea and took and anti-anxiety pill and I’m waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully I’ll have a much better night tonight. I think I’ll go climb into bed and snuggle with Murphy while this pill kicks in.