Getting Closer

Things with Sean have been going really well and I’ve been to see Dr. Sheehan several times since our first meeting. Right now, I got to see her two times a week and I’m not sure I’ll really post what we talk about. I mean, most of you who read this blog have already seen everything unfold over the past year and a half, anyway, so it will just be a lot of redundancy. Also, I don’t know that I want to talk about what we discuss in my sessions in general. It’s hard enough to talk about everything and I don’t really have the energy to re-hash it all over again since I usually feel really vulnerable and a little unstable emotionally after our sessions because it’s a lot harder to deal with everything than I thought it would be. At our last session I spent almost the entire time sobbing and trying to recompose myself. Dr. Sheehan said it was a good thing but it didn’t feel very good.

She did suggest something in one of our earlier sessions that I just started doing, though. We got on the topic of Kevin and how he’s been able to control my life even when he’s not in it. He’s the cause of a lot of my relationship issues with Sean, he’s the reason I am the way I am now, he’s the reason I have a hard time trusting Sean, he’s the reason I’m so damn mad. Dr. Sheehan suggested that I frame the contract he signed because it’s a symbol for me breaking the control he had over me for so long. At first, I thought it would just remind me of everything but I hung it in my hallway a few days ago and I think it’s helping.

Sean saw it hanging up yesterday and I knew he wanted to say something about it but was internally debating over whether he should.

“I know it’s bothering you.” I said in a sing-song type voice while we were making lasagna in the kitchen.

“Yeah, it is.” He said shaking his head and smiling a little.

“It was a suggestion by Dr. Sheehan. It’s been helping a little bit.”

“What’s it supposed to do?”

“Remind me that Kevin no longer has control over my life. And never will again.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that.” He said laying down another layer of lasagna sheets.

“I was skeptical at first but it seems to be a good coping tool.”

“Well, that’s all that matters to me, then.” Sean kissed my hair before putting the lasagna in the oven.

We waited for the lasagna to cook after we prepped the garlic bread and sat in my living room. I was sitting on Sean’s lap. Sean is doing really well with being more affectionate since our conversation and I’m really happy about it. Although I’ve noticed that he does get nervous and is reluctant to do more than make out for a few minutes, which I’m okay with for now. I’ve realized in my sessions with Dr. Sheehan that I’m not ready to have sex yet and that I kept seeing having sex as a signal for being completely healed which is why I’ve been trying to rush it. Having sex isn’t the end goal and sign of being completely healed; it’s just a step (albeit a big one) of the healing process. Look at me, being so healthfully aware of my needs and progress! Therapy must be working.

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”

“It does.” He said, “But if it’s something that helps you, maybe it can help me come to terms, too.”

“We’ve been invited to Anna’s baby shower.” I said after a comfortable silence.

“Isn’t that usually a girl's-only thing?” Sean asked with a confused look.

“I thought so, too, but Anna said she doesn’t want Theo to be bored and thought she’d invite you and some of his other friends to keep him company in the basement. They have a big screen TV down there, so it won’t be too bad.”

“Alright.” Sean said shrugging, “What does one usually bring to a baby shower?”

“I’ll get the gift, you can probably just bring a six pack and head down stairs while we try to guess how many toilet paper squares will fit around Anna’s belly.”

“Is that a real game?”

“Yeah, the trick is to guess a smaller number. People tend to overshoot it.”

We decided to go for a walk after dinner around the neighborhood. It was snowing lightly so we stopped and got hot chocolates from a coffee shop to keep us warm as we walked. I really enjoyed it. It felt like we were on a date and spending some great quality time with each other. It’s been ages since I felt as happy as I did last night and I’m hoping things keep getting better and Sean keeps being open with me.