Time Out

It’s been a while since I wrote last.

I’ve largely been keeping my head down and focusing on being happy. But it turns out the road to happiness is quite long. After letting Mike go things were hard for a while. I struggled to reconnect with my friends, but I think things are better now.

Molly and I see each other outside of work now at least once a week. Over the summer we took a self-defense class together, something we’d both wanted to do since the Amber incident. I think it brought us closer and our friendship doesn’t seem as damaged as it was while I was dating Mike. Things with Calvin are still going well and they’re a pretty solid couple. It looks like their off-and-on days are over.

I’ve also been helping Zoey plan her wedding, which is coming up next week, so things are pretty busy around here. Her dress is absolutely gorgeous and fits who she is perfectly. It’s a mermaid gown with sparkly white tulle built into the bottom of it, it has a sweetheart neckline, and sheer sleeves. She looks great in it and she just had her last fitting. The bridesmaids dresses are tasteful and a beautiful cerulean blue. I’m not her maid of honor, Molly is, but I’m glad to be part of the day and I can’t wait to see her marry Wesley. It’s been a long time coming! He makes her so happy, you guys.

I met Adam’s girlfriend, it’s Heather, the woman I met while Adam and I were on a date. I haven’t interacted with her very much but the way she looks at Adam tells me she cares for him. Adam has started working at his dad’s firm but I know he hates it. I’ve been encouraging him to at least freelance his writing on the side but he seems pretty defeated. I know he never wanted to work for his dad and I think Heather might have insisted on it after he wasn’t able to find a job writing all summer. He’s going through a hard time but our Project Runway nights have been reinstated and I think they’re good for him and give him a chance to get away from the things that make him unhappy.

Penny started hanging out more, too, now that the awkwardness with Adam has passed. I think she still secretly roots for us getting back together but that ship has sailed, and I’m not focusing on dating anyone right now, anyway. I haven’t been on a date or been with anyone since Sean and I’m enjoying being by myself and getting to know who I am now. I still think of Mike from time to time but I’ve noticed that I don’t think about him as much as I used to; that realization was pretty hard for me to accept because it felt like I was betraying him but I now see it as simply moving on. Mike would want me to move on and be happy.

On a more negative note, things with my family are broken and I don’t see how they can be fixed. I haven’t spoken to my mother since I helped my parents move and my dad called a few times begging me to apologize to her but I refused. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I removed my mother from my Facebook account and locked my profile down so she can’t see anything except my name and profile picture. I thought about completely blocking her so she couldn’t see anything or even find me, but I wanted her to know that I was okay and if looking at my profile picture where I’m happy and with friends does that then I’m okay with giving her just that little part of my life. My brother provides updates on my parents sporadically and has already started asking if I’ll be home for the holidays but I’ve refused to go. I’m going to send my parents a Christmas card this year with a gift card in it but I will not be providing them with a return address, I’d never given them my new address since moving here and I think that was for the best.

The bitterness and guilt I’ve had over things with my mother have dissipated, especially with therapy. I’ve realized that my mother is an abusive person and has always been. I didn’t realize the manipulation she practiced on me throughout my childhood until Dr. Sheehan and I started discussing it. I didn’t want to believe that for a long time and it was hard to accept that she’s always been this way. I always knew she’d been like this since I left for college but to realize that she was always like this, even when I was a kid, was really, really hard for me to accept. But accepting it has given me a level of peace about the current situation with her now and I no longer feel guilty about cutting out someone so toxic from my life.

The sadness I do have is entirely directed towards the situation with my dad. I miss him and I miss talking to him or texting him but every time I pick up my phone to send him a text I remember the things my mother accused me of and I can’t do it. I no longer feel bad or guilty about cutting my mother out but my heart is broken over having to cut my dad out, too. I’ve mentioned to Dr. Sheehan that I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever be able to move past.

On a more positive note, things at work have probably been the most exciting part of the summer. I’ve mentioned a few times that I’d been working on something with my old assistant, Steve, and things finally came together. Steve is an assistant for a publicist and they have some major clientele. Steve pitched my idea to his boss and it came through.

The idea I had to save the Glass Penny was to get a bigger name than Tucker’s associated with our business. I thought having a celebrity come and perform in one of our shows would drum up notoriety and business for the Glass Penny and it turns out that one of the celebrities Steve’s boss works for was interested in doing some theatre work! The celebrity is an actor who recently signed a contract for what’s sure to be an enormous franchise. He’s going to be playing the lead in at least three major super hero movies. But in all the hype, he missed working on smaller projects and was looking for something. Steve’s boss set him up with us and he came in for a read-through with the cast of our summer production. He fell in love with the concept and signed a contract for the show’s run that day!

It really could not have worked out better. His name is John Castillo and he’s been wonderful to work with. When our summer show closed, he contacted Hazel and signed on for our fall show, too. We’re currently working on that and he’s been an absolute dream. I think he’s really enjoyed working with us, too, which means he may be interested in coming back to work with us in the future. Plus, with the audiences and donors we’ve gained because of his presence in our shows we’ve made enough money to keep The Glass Penny solvent for the next TWO YEARS!

My plan could not have worked out better and I’m so glad the stress of trying to save The Glass Penny is off of my shoulders now. It’s been a huge relief to know my job will be intact for the next two years.

Anyway, I know it’s been a few months since I’ve written but I think I’m in a much better place and things are really looking up for me. Focusing on my friendships has uplifted me more than I thought it would and I’m glad I’ve made a commitment to prioritize them in my life. They make me feel more grounded and being single has given me the chance to really focus on myself and what my needs are. I’ve worked hard in therapy over the summer to analyze my choices in relationships and I realize that the vast majority of my relationships have not been very healthy, certainly my relationship with Sean has been toxic.

But I think I’ve discovered some things about myself and learned a lot of skills that will help me do better in relationships in the future, for when I’m ready. Sasha and Murphy have been doing great, too. I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t have them to come home to at the end of the day. Taking care of them helps me take care of myself. I’ve taken up running a little more seriously and Sasha and I now go on daily runs along the trails in the park by my apartment. Adam comes with us sometimes if he has time.

This week is going to be busy, I have a lot to do for Zoey’s wedding but I can’t wait to see her marry Wesley.