Start of the Fire

In hindsight, my phone call to Adam was probably one of the more stupid things I’ve ever done and I definitely wasn’t thinking clearly when I did it. I was upset and in shock.

I watched my foot jiggle as I sat in Dr. Sheehan’s office as I tried to explain what had happened.

“So, that was super dumb.” I said.

I had just got done telling her about my phone call to Adam about getting back together.

“Why did you call Adam to begin with?” she asked.

“Um.” That was a more complicated story.

A few days ago I was out running some errands. I had just finished up at the pharmacy and decided to head to the farmer’s market to pick up some produce. I had to pass by a busy thoroughfare lined with restaurants and thought I saw Mike. I was going to wave and go up to him but something seemed off. He was sitting at a table outside a restaurant with a gorgeous blonde woman and it looked like they were having a great time. I stood on the crowded street in complete shock and then somehow made my way back to my apartment. Somehow I found my phone in my hand, dialing Adam’s phone number. But he didn’t answer. A woman’s voice did.

“Adam’s phone.” A smooth female voice said.

“Uh…c-can I speak to Adam, please?”

“He’s in the shower, do you want to leave a message?” She asked.

“I…can you just let him know that I called?”

“Sure, what’s your name?”

“F-faith.”

“Okay, Faith, I’ll let him know that you called!” She said brightly and then hung up.

The dead sound of the phone echoed through my cell phone’s ear piece as I stared forward. I tried to distract myself throughout the day but when Adam called me I panicked. I had almost convinced myself to just lie and make up a reason to call him but everything came out about getting back together and, well, it went terribly and ended with Adam telling me not to bother him again.

I immediately wanted to call him back and apologize but he was just so upset with me (and rightly so) that I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone. Now that some time has passed, I think leaving him alone is what’s best for him. I sighed once I finished telling Dr. Sheehan about all of this.

“Adam was right to be angry with me,” I said, “I wish I could just go back and erase what I did.”

Dr. Sheehan surveyed me over her glasses.

“Faith, you’ve spent a lot of time talking about Adam but you haven’t said much about Mike.”

I blinked.

“I…there’s not much to say. He and I aren’t exclusive, he’s allowed to date other women.”

“Okay, Faith, how do you feel about that?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine with it.”

“Are you? Your actions say otherwise.”

I gave her a confused look.

“Faith, you called Adam and asked him to move back here to be with you while you’re currently dating Mike. And you did this immediately after seeing Mike on a date with another woman. It doesn’t sound like you’re fine with him dating someone else to me.”

“Well…when you put it like that…”

“How would you put it?”

“…like that.”

I put my forehead in the palm of my hand and groaned.

“Why am I so stupid all the time?”

“Faith, negative thoughts like that don’t help you change your behavior.”

I took a deep breath.

“I don’t think I’m okay with Mike dating someone else.”

“So, what can you do to solve that issue?”

I sighed.

“Talk to him about my feelings.”

She nodded.

“But what if he doesn’t like what I say? What if he doesn’t want to just date me?”

“You can’t use ‘what ifs’ to justify avoiding a conversation. Mike cares about you, I’m sure he’d want to know what you’re thinking about and how you’re feeling about your relationship with him.”

Dr. Sheehan is right. Mike and I have been seeing each other for over a month, we should be able to have a conversation about our relationship. What I did to Adam was unacceptable and I regret it so much but focusing on the negative side of that isn’t helpful. Maybe this is a good thing in the long run for him? Maybe I managed to piss him off so much that he’ll be able to move on now? I think losing him as a friend was worth it if it means he’ll be happier without me screwing up his life.