Belated Valentine

Sean and I couldn’t go out on Valentine’s day because he had a big meeting about the upcoming tour and then he had to work so we planned to go out some time after Valentine’s day. I spent Valentine’s Day with my favorite little man, Murphy, instead. We watched Titanic and pigged out on Chinese food. It was a good kitty-mommy bonding night. Not going out with Sean on Valentine’s was actually really nice because we didn’t have to fight to get a table at a restaurant or wait in line at the movies or anything when we finally did go out. I definitely think this is something Sean and I should do again next year instead of fighting the Valentine’s crowds.

Our hot date ended up being a dinner and a movie date. We decided on a matinee and Sean was keeping our dinner plans under wraps so I dressed up in a strapless black cocktail dress with a white bow that tied in the back around my waist. The dress had white tulle that peaked out at the hemline and I topped it off with silver dangle earrings and white and block polka-dotted peep toe pumps that had a black accent bow. I added a white ribbon in my hair and grabbed a black cardigan in case the weather got cold.

We went to see True Grit and Sean loved it! I’ve never seen a western before, but I certainly wasn’t bored watching that one. I can see why it was nominated for an Oscar. Afterward, Sean and I went to dinner on a boat! I was really surprised at how extravagant it all was. We were served a three course dinner while the boat floated down the river. It was absolutely beautiful; the city skyline sparkled off the water and provided an unbelievably romantic and peaceful ambience.

“I can’t believe you did all of this.” I said sitting at our table.

It was draped in a deep purple table cloth with silver candle holders in the middle and a low centerpiece of white and pink roses interspersed with small, yellow flowers surrounding the candle holder bases.

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to pay me back.” Sean winked at me and sat down.

The food was absolute heaven. We had a bread basket for our first course that had all sorts of warm, fresh baked bread in it and various types of butters. I could have eaten that bread for the rest of my life. For our entrees, we had filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes, fresh mixed vegetables, and really good wine. For dessert we had a chocolate fondue set-up with fresh strawberries, vanilla pound cake cubes, pineapple chunks, and cherries for dipping. It was, hands down, the best date I have ever been on.

Once we finished dinner, the boat was still sailing so Sean and I went out onto one of the decks and took in the scenery. I was leaning against the railing and Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind to keep me warm. We stood there in a comfortable silence listening to the water lap against the sides of the boat and smelling the clean breeze coming off the water.

“I love you so much.” He whispered. His voiced seemed almost tinged with sadness.

I turned around and looked deep into his eyes, “I love you, too. Thank you for tonight, it’s been wonderful.”

Sean kissed me with more affection than he has since before my apartment was broken into and we got pretty hot and heavy against the boat railing. It has been so long since Sean has touched me like that, with that much electricity coursing through him, with that much ferocity behind his kisses. The night I had my panic attack pales in comparison to the way he was touching me last night. It was even more needy, even more hungry than I had ever expected and I went with it. After awhile, though, things started to get really out of hand.

“Whoa, there!” I giggled, “We need to wait until we get home.”

“How much longer is this damn boat ride?” He said between laughing and kisses.

He pulled me closer to him and we started dancing. There wasn’t any music but it was still nice, especially since Sean and I don’t really go out dancing all that much.

“I’m really just hiding my boner until the boat docks.” He joked.

I laughed so hard I snorted and then Sean made fun of me for the final 20 minutes of our boat ride. We took a cab back to my place because I needed to feed Murphy and Sean could not keep his hands off of me. It was pretty shocking considering how slow we’ve been taking things. He practically chased me up the stairs to my apartment! I shooed him away once I got into my apartment because Murphy was starving and found him laying across my bed in his boxers when I walked in, in what he thought was a seductive pose. I started laughing and Sean made a mock face of offense.

“Laughing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear when a girl sees him in his underwear.” He said reaching for me and untying the bow on my dress.

I kicked my shoes off and fell on top of him after taking the bow out of my hair.

“Sean, you seem really excited but I’m kind of scared.” I said, “I don’t know if I’m ready…can we slow this down like a lot?”

Sean’s face got serious, “Of course. What do you need me to do?”

“Just tell me before you do things? Maybe ask me before you do something so I can prepare for it?”

“Okay.”

What followed was some pretty awkward sex full of questions and pauses, but it was still sex. Afterward Sean asked me how I was feeling.

“I’m not sure. I thought I’d be happy when this finally happened but that’s not how I’m feeling.”

Sean’s face fell and I was quick to correct myself.

“It’s not that I’m sad, Sean. I enjoyed it. I just don’t feel as…relieved as I thought I would. I don’t feel like I’m any better, I guess, and that makes me feel disappointed.”

“I understand.”

“Was it bad for you?” I asked suddenly self conscious.

“No. I actually learned a lot about what you like and don’t like.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was pretty sexy.”

I gave Sean a kiss and we fell asleep. In hindsight, I still don’t really know what I feel about having sex, finally. I think I might have been thinking too much about what having sex meant in terms of my therapy and progress and therefore I didn’t get into it as much. Dr. Sheehan told me a few sessions ago that sex isn’t just about the act, but the intimacy involved, which is why sexual assaults can be so traumatic. So maybe I didn’t feel the way I expected to because I wasn’t fully connecting with Sean.