Hank

Hank is…interesting. He looks kind of like Danny DeVito but that’s okay because looks are not everything. I met him at the tapas bar right on time and, thankfully, he wasn’t drunk like Todd had been, so that was a plus from the start. We ordered a sampler of different tapas to try and two glasses of sangria before going over to our table. There was a dance floor with what seemed professionals dancing on it (Latin dancing is intense guys) and we watched for a little while as we made comments about how good they were.

I’m going to be honest, it was awkward at first. We didn’t have immediate chemistry but I think that’s because Hank might have been nervous. Once our food and drinks came he seemed to loosen up a bit. He talked about his kids for awhile and mentioned that his granddaughter just started kindergarten. I was a little surprised that he was a grandfather. Apparently he also has a grandson who is three and his daughter-in-law is expecting her first this January. Hank’s ex-wife lives in Florida and he avoided talking about her.

“How recent was your divorce?” I asked gently.

“A few months ago, but it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. You want to dance?”

I nodded and we went and danced, which was awkward because I was wearing four inch heels and Hank is really short so his head was just above my waist. I had fun dancing with him, though. He made me laugh a lot and we’re going to go out again. When we left the tapas bar to say goodbye he immediately lit up a cigar, which was a turnoff for me, but I ignored it. He hailed me a cab, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then waved as the cab drove off.

Honestly, it was a fun date, but the lack of chemistry that filtered in was concerning. I’m going to give him another chance with a second date before I totally write this off.

(Blogspot must have had a hiccup and didn't post this when it said it would. Sorry readers. I promise the late posting isn't going to be a habit. -del)

Happy Handfuls

Something interesting happened today: I was asked out on a date. I was coming home after running a bunch of errands (grocery shopping, picking up some cat food and dry cleaning, etc.) and stopped to pick up my mail. There was this guy in the mail room with his dog on a leash. He was wearing a burgundy sweater and his hair was windswept. I smiled as I opened my mail box when his dig became interested in the bag of groceries I was holding and tried to jump up to inspect it further.

“Lady, no!” He said as she (a black lab) tried to get at the bushel of greens hanging out of my bag, “I’m really sorry.” He said as he pulled her over to him and had her sit down.

“It’s fine, really. How old is she?” I asked bending down to let her sniff my hand.

“She’ll be a year in about a month. She’s a handful sometimes.” He said.

“I hear ya. I have a cat and he can be a handful sometimes, too.” I said standing up and opening my mail box, “I’ve never seen you before, did you just move in?” I asked.

“Yeah, about a month ago. We’re still getting settled in.” He said, “I’m on floor three.”

“I’m on five. How are you liking it here so far?”

“It’s nice. I like the extra security they’ve got and it’s close to a lot of convenient places. I’m Randy, by the way. And this is Lady.”

We shook hands and I introduced myself. Just as I was about to say goodbye and head toward the stairwell he stopped me.

“Faith, I know this is cheesy and might possibly make this incredibly awkward, but would you like to get some coffee some time? Uh…with me?”

I was caught off guard. I hadn’t expected him to ask me out and so I think I took too long of a pause because he looked crestfallen.

“I’m sorry, that was weird. I mean-”

“No. It’s fine.” I smiled, “I’d love to. You just surprised me, that’s all.”

I put my cell phone number into his phone and told him to call me and then walked upstairs to my apartment. I’ve been smiling all day. It’s nice to feel desirable and now I have another date this week. My date with Hank is later tonight. We’re going to a tapas bar. It should be fun!

Next!

Tonight I had my date with Todd. I got home after work and did my hair; pulled back and up with loose curls. Then I set about looking for the perfect outfit. I went with a cobalt blue dress with black lace accents around the bust and hem line and then paired it with a pair of black strappy shoes and a light gray cardigan. I redid my make-up, fed Murphy, and headed out the door to go meet him.

Our plan was to meet at a funky bar and grill downtown, have some drinks and share an appetizer, and if things went well, we’d have dinner together. I was nervous before I got there. I don’t know why but I think it might have had something to do with the fact that this was my first blind date and Todd and I found each other on the internet. I know it seems outdated but meeting people from the internet in real life terrifies me. My parents were constantly warning me about the dangers of meeting people from the internet as a kid and so there’s still a taboo about it for me.

I found the bar and grill fairly easily but took a few minutes outside to pull myself together and relax a little bit. Then I sent a text to Anna, Molly, and Zoey, telling them Todd’s full name and where we were meeting. When I went in I saw Todd almost immediately and sensed something was off. He waved me over to the bar where he was sitting, there were three bottles of beer sitting in front of him, all empty and he was really hyper.

“Faith?” He asked as I came over. I smiled and nodded as I sat down on the bar stool next to him.

The bar tender came over with two more beers and placed them in front of us.

“I got here a bit early. I hope you don’t mind.” Todd said motioning to the three empty beer bottles.

“Uh…it’s okay.” I said hesitantly.

We decided on an appetizer (mozzarella sticks) and while we were waiting for them (the bar was really busy so it took awhile) Todd moved on to harder liquor. I hadn’t finished my beer yet so I declined when he asked me if I wanted him to order two gin and tonics instead of one. By the time we finished our mozzarella sticks, Todd was so drunk that our date ended shortly after with me putting him in a cab and sending him home, but not before he tried to drunkenly cop a feel and shove his tongue down my throat. Luckily, he was so drunk that he missed and ended up kissing the side of the cab. I was pretty embarrassed. There were people who had been standing outside the bar and grill watching me try to wrangle him into the cab and as I went to walk to the train I noticed they were giving me sympathetic looks.

So the first date was a wash but I’m not discouraged! I still have two more dates scheduled for this week and I’m sure they won’t be as bad as this one.

New World

I went shopping with Zoey and Molly (Anna is dealing with two sick babies so she couldn’t come) today and told them about my upcoming dates. Hank messaged me back a few times and we set up a time to meet next week, so I have a total of three dates and I told Molly and Zoey this with excitement.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do but I’ll text you guys all their info before I leave with them and let you know when I get back. I’ll also let you know where we’re going once they tell me where to meet them.” I said perusing a sales rack.

“That’s…a good idea, Faith.” Molly said.

“Yeah.” Zoey said weakly.

I turned on them and eyed them with suspicion.

“What is the problem?” I asked.

Molly and Zoey shared a look.

“Um…well…don’t you think you should maybe take, like, a break from dating for awhile?” Zoey said.

“What?” I said.

“You and Sean just broke up, Faith. Don’t you want to step away from dating for awhile to grieve and stuff?” Molly said trying to build on Zoey’s point.

“No.” I said blankly, “I’m ready to move on. I just spent nearly a year wasting my time on someone; I don’t want to spend any more time feeling bad about that. I am single and ready to mingle!”

“Do you really want to get involved with someone else?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. You guys, I’m just going out on dates. You know, getting free food, dressing up, making out, maybe having some casual sex. I’m young! This is what people my age do!” I said moving on from the sales rack.

“Okay…except we’re also your age and we don’t do those things.” Molly pointed out.

“You guys are in exclusive relationships with people. I’m not. My exclusive relationship…well…semi-exclusive relationship since he cheated on me, is totally over so I can go out and date whoever I want. You guys should be happy for me!”

“We are, Faith, but we want you to take some time for yourself.” Zoey said.

“But I did spend a lot of time by myself. While Sean was touring all I did was think about our relationship. I spent SO MUCH time thinking about it that I don’t need a break. I just want to get out there and meet guys who deserve me.”

“Are you even attracted to these guys, Faith? They don’t really sound like guys you’re going to mesh with…” Molly asked.

“I’m trying to date outside the box. Picking guys based on what I find appealing obviously isn’t working for me since my last two boyfriends cheated on me so I’m considering guys that maybe I wouldn’t normally consider on first glance. There is a rhyme and a reason, Molly.”

Zoey and Molly decided to drop it and started asking me more questions about the guys I’m going out with. I’m excited for my dates next week and more importantly, I’m excited about not being tied down to anyone. I’m enjoying my new found freedom.

(Sorry! I had three exams this week and I totally forgot what day it was by the time Friday rolled around. -del)

Digital Age

I poured myself a glass of wine and logged into the dating site I had signed up for. I, surprisingly, had a few messages from interested parties. I decided to go into this whole experience with an open mind (the wine helped) and not count off guys I would normally not consider.

Candidate number 1 is a guy named Chris. He’s 3 years younger than I am which would normally be a reason I wouldn’t date him. He’s still in college and has a surfer vibe going on. He’s blonde with spikey hair and a goatee and his profile picture was of him in swim trunks with his surfboard (where he goes surfing around here, I have no idea because we are not near an ocean). He sent me a cheesey message that made me laugh and we messaged back and forth for awhile before setting a time to meet for next week.

Candidate number 2 is a guy named Hank. He’s significantly older than me (in his 40s) and is a divorcee with two grown children (who are older than me) which are all reasons I would not have considered him, normally. He sent me a message that asked engaging questions and didn’t come off as creepy so I sent him a message back. He’s kind of overweight and he’s smoking a cigar in his profile picture (and also wearing clothes that retired people in Florida wore in the 90s) which is a big turn off, but maybe it’s a rare thing. We’ll see if he replies.

Candidate number 3 is a guy named Todd. He seems like a real party animal. In his profile picture he’s doing a keg stand at a college party but he’s not in college anymore and the caption indicated that it was a recent picture. He seems like he maybe crashes college parties on the weekend, which is kind of skeevy, but maybe I’m just getting the wrong impression of him and he’s just trying to make it seem like he’s more lively than he actually is. He’s got short brown hair and an average looking physique. He’s a year older than I am and works at a law firm as a paralegal; his profile also says that he loves dogs and hates cats, but I decided to give him a shot because his message seemed sincere. We messaged back and forth (he got really flirty) and scheduled a time to meet for next week as well.

All the other messages I ignored because a lot of them seemed creepy or vulgar (why do guys think it’s okay to ask me to send them pictures of my boobs online? NOT COOL.). I updated my profile a bit and changed my pictures to some that were more flattering and added more about myself overall. I hope these dates really open things up for me. I’m sick of dating the wrong kinds of guys so maybe being more open-minded with my dating options will get me to do the right kind of guys.

Trading Up

The new website has launched! Todd and Tanya briefed the staff and gave tutorials on the various sections of it all morning. When everyone was released the mood of the writing staff seemed to be one of hesitation and open mindedness, which is a good sign. Hopefully our subscribers will be as open to the upcoming change. About an hour later, Stormy came in to my office.

“Faith, I need to take two days off of work next week.”

‘Okay,” I said spinning in my chair to get the appropriate forms, “What’s the reason?” I asked.

“It’s just two personal days, not like bereavement leave or anything. I’m moving.”

I froze and looked over at him.

“Oh.” I said awkwardly before handing him the right forms.

“I decided to move in with Rose.” He said grabbing a pen and writing on the paper I gave him.

“Congratulations.” I said caught off guard.

“Thanks.” He said; the pen’s scratching was extremely loud in our awkward silence.

He cleared his throat and handed the forms to me.

“I’ll put this in today. It sh-shouldn’t be a problem.” I said trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably.

“Thanks.” He said before leaving.

As he closed my door my heart sank. I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea of getting together with Stormy. He’s with someone else and I just told him to move on AND I feel so dumb for even considering dating a co-worker again. Stupid, stupid Faith! I’m so frustrated with my whole situation. Agreeing to date Sean was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made and I am moving on. As soon as I get home, I’m checking out the dating profile I (drunkenly) made and I’m going to schedule some dates. I’m not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself because Stormy did exactly what I told him to do. And I’m definitely not going to sit at home and cry over Sean. I did enough of that during our relationship. I deserve a good relationship and if it can’t be with Stormy (for so, so many reasons that go against better judgment) then it’s going to be with someone who deserves me.

Hindsight is Always 20/20

I have not heard from Sean since I kicked him out and it wasn’t until this morning that I realized that we still had our appointment with Mike booked for the 28^th. I sighed and grabbed my phone before I sat down and called Mike to let him know that Sean and I would no longer be needing his services. It wasn’t exactly a conversation I wanted to have but I bit the bullet and got it over with because I’m sure Sean wasn’t going to do it.

“Hi, I need to cancel my appointment with Mike. It’s for the 28^th.”

“Okay.” His secretary said, “When would you like to reschedule.”

“Uh…never.” I said awkwardly.

“Okay. I’ll cancel your appointment and let Mike know you called. He usually likes to call his patients back after a cancellation.”

“Okay.” I said. For a second I thought that the conversation with the secretary would be enough. I wasn’t looking forward to having to explain this all to Mike.

A few hours later, he called my cell phone.

“Hello?” I said.

“Faith. Hi. It’s Mike. I just saw that you cancelled your appointment for the 28^th.”

“Yeah. Sean and I don’t really have a need to see you anymore.”

“Oh? Is that because you feel you’ve made enough progress?”

The anger I had over the situation with Sean came bubbling out in my response.

“Um. No. It would be on account of Sean knocking up the woman he cheated on me with and me kicking his ass out.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that.” Mike said gently, “I thought you two were making a lot of progress but I understand why you no longer want to continue trying for a relationship completely.”

“Yeah, our relationship has hit a level of ‘messy’ and ‘complicated’ that I never thought I’d ever have to deal with in my entire life and I’ve decided to cut my losses.”

“Well, I’m really sorry, Faith. You made a strong effort. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out the way we want them to.”

“Tell me about it.” I snorted.

“I wish you all the best.” Mike said.

“Thanks.” And I hung up.

I’ve been sitting here, stewing in my anger for the past few days (I have not shed a single damn tear) and the more I think about the past year and everything Sean put me through, I can’t help but feel even angrier. I can’t believe how much I allowed myself to sacrifice my own needs for Sean’s and also how much I allowed myself to sacrifice who I am as a human being. In the past year, I got engaged, had a one-year anniversary, started seeing a therapist to deal with the guilt my boyfriend caused me to have for being assaulted by my ex-boyfriend, was cheated on…on my anniversary, had more fights with Sean than I can count, I’ve barely seen my friends, I allowed myself to be accused of infidelity by my boyfriend because I felt bad for him, and I ignored all of that because I kept telling myself that Sean made me happy when practically everyone in my life could see that I wasn’t. I allowed my love for someone to cloud the reality of our relationship and I feel incredibly embarrassed about that.

Freedom

Sean said nothing and left. I sat in the chair until I couldn’t ignore Murphy’s hungry meows any longer. I put a frozen potato casserole in the oven after I fed him and then took a hot shower while it cooked. I felt like I was floating and I barely tasted my dinner. Eventually I sent Molly, Anna, and Zoey this text:

“Karen is pregnant. I kicked him out. We’re done.”

Within seconds of each other I got three text messages, one from each friend:

“I’m coming over with raw cookie dough right now. –Z”

“I’m bringing alcohol. Be there in 20 minutes. –M”

“I’m on Skype. Sign in! –A”

I smiled sadly and signed into Skype.

“I’m sorry, I can’t leave. Theo is on-call tonight and was just called in.” Anna said. She was nursing Weatherly.

“It’s okay. Molly and Zoey are coming over with food and booze.”

“How are you feeling?” She asked gently.

“Um. I think I’m still in shock, I don’t feel anything. I don’t want to feel anything.”

“That’s understandable.”

I looked out the window near my desk and realized it had started raining at some point.

“How long has it been raining?” I asked Anna.

“About an hour, why?”

“I wouldn’t have let Molly and Zoey come over in the rain. That’s just rude.” My voice sounded hollow.

“Faith, you’re being ridiculous. A little rain isn’t a big deal. I’m sure they’d come even if you told them not to.”

“I need to call Mike.” I said getting up and looking for my phone.

“What? Who’s Mike?” Anna asked.

“Our relationship counselor. We aren’t going to need to see him anymore.” I started laughing.
Anna looked at me like I had gone crazy.

“Faith…it’s almost 8 o’clock at night. You should call him tomorrow.”

“Right…” I said slowly putting my phone down and still giggling.

“Are you going to call in to work tomorrow?” She asked.

“No. Why would I do that?” I asked.

“Well, because you’re probably going to be too sad to really get any work done.”

Just then the doorbell buzzed and I ran to let Molly and Zoey inside my building. They came up the stairs in rain coats and boots carrying bags of food and booze.

“We came as soon as we could.” Zoey said taking her raincoat off. They hung their stuff up in the shower to catch the water and then Molly handed me a huge glass of whiskey.

“I don’t really need this.” I said taking a huge gulp.

“Okay, well I have Milkyways, raw chocolate chip cookie dough, sour cream and onion potato chips, and frozen five-cheese garlic bread.” Zoey said.

“Ooooh, let’s make the garlic bread.” I said excitedly.

After popping it in the oven and letting the smell fill my apartment, I told Molly and Zoey what had happened while Anna listened on Skype, even though I already told her.

“I came home from work and he was waiting for me. I thought something really bad had happened, like Eddie died or the tour had been cancelled. Nope, he just knocked Karen up. I laughed and then told him we were over and that he needed to get out.”

“You…laughed?” Molly asked.

“Yeah.” I said a little surprised. I guess I hadn’t realized just how weird it was to laugh after being told your boyfriend got someone pregnant until Molly, Anna, and Zoey looked at me strangely. I downed my glass and refilled it.

“Faith, are you okay?” You’ve been acting…weird.”

“I think I’m okay. How are you supposed to react in these situations? I don’t watch a lot of Lifetime so I don’t really know. In hindsight, laughing probably wasn’t the best reaction.”

The garlic bread was done and Molly, Zoey, and I ate it while Anna started nursing Andrew. I had worked through another glass of whiskey and filled a third.

“Sean is out of my life guys. I feel great. No more relationship counselor. No more long distance. No more late flights or phone calls. No more turmoil or drama. I’m done! I’m free from all of it!”

Molly and Zoey shared a look.

“What? This is a good thing!” I said.

“You just seem…really happy about what happened. We…weren’t expecting this.” Zoey said.

“I’ve spent too much time being sad about my relationship. You know what I should do? Make a profile on a dating website. Let’s do it now! You guys can help me fill out my profile.”

“Are you drunk?” Molly asked.

“Maybe….” I said coyly.

I got on to my computer and found a dating site and for the next hour I had Zoey, Molly, and Anna help me answer all the questions for the profile and pick out good pictures to upload. When I woke up the next morning I had a killer headache and Molly and Zoey were snoring on my couch. I had somehow made it to my bed. I realized I was late and called in to work to tell them I was too sick to come in so Zoey, Molly, and I went and had a huge breakfast at a greasy diner about 20 minutes away. While we were eating our eggs, sausage, toast, pancakes, waffles, and other breakfast foods Molly brought up Sean again.

“How do you feel today, Faith?”

“Hungover.” I said.

“You know what I mean.” She said.

“I don’t feel anything. I think everything I felt for Sean had been badly damaged after he cheated on me and his announcement last night made all of my feelings for him completely disappear. I don’t deserve this shit!” I said slamming the fist with my fork clutched in it on the table.

“You sure don’t.” Zoey said putting a mouthful of syrupy pancake in her mouth and nodding.

“I’m free, guys. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.”

A Very Slow Death

Todd and Tanya are almost ready to launch the online version of our paper. It still has to go through the board and Veronica needs to check it over, but I think it’s great and really innovative and I hope they like it. They were showing me all of the features today in the conference room and I can’t believe how they came up with some of these ideas. There are still some glitches that need to be worked out but I sent Veronica an e-mail letting her know that they’ll be ready to present it to her in a few days. None of the staff were aware that we’ve been planning to make the newspaper digital and after reading my e-mail, Veronica decided it was time to tell them. She sent out a mass e-mail to the staff saying that we were going to have a meeting at 5:00pm before everyone left for the day. Immediately the office was full of gossip, panic, and speculation.

“Faith, you would tell us if we’re about to be fired, right?” Suzy asked me during lunch.

“You know what this is about, don’t you?” Dina asked.

“Do Tanya and Todd have anything to do with this? Are they going to replace me and Rose!?” Steve asked.

“Are we going to have to cut half the staff?” Stormy asked.

I didn’t know who to answer first.

“Suzy, Stormy you both know I can’t talk about anything regarding the firing of employees. Steve, Tanya and Todd are not a concern to any jobs here. Dina, I do know but it’s best if Veronica explains it. All four of you should calm down. It’s a good announcement, not a bad one.”

They didn’t seem convinced and kept looking at me with sad, inquisitive eyes until we finished eating lunch and got back to work. When it was time for the meeting, Veronica was a little late and the air was tense. Everyone was sitting at their desks and turned to her when she rounded the corner of the hallway leading to her office with Todd and Tanya at her side. She didn’t beat around the bush and started speaking.

“I’ve asked you all here today because I have a big announcement. We’re going digital. Our paper will no longer be produced on paper, or at least that’s where the future is headed. We hired Tanya and Todd awhile ago, as some of you have noticed, and since then they have been working on an entirely new subscription-based website that we will be launching within the next few weeks. Our goal is to stop printing completely by October. Todd and Tanya have made us a website unlike any others I have seen. People can subscribe on a month-to-month basis or by a yearly basis. They can buy apps in addition to their subscription that will give them the opportunity to have 24/7 news available on their phones. Submitting your articles on deadline will be easier than ever before and that’s why we are going to use our staff as beta-testers for the website when it has gotten approval from our board of investors. We’re going to begin offering digital advertising to the advertisers we currently have and also offering deals to advertisers who are not already partners with us. This will give us a much wider audience and I’m proud of what Todd and Tanya have been able to create. I think you all will be, too.”

And with that Veronica left while Todd and Tanya took questions and explained their ideas to the staff. I gauged the reactions. Some people were confused, others were relieved, but I think the majority of people are wary about this new approach to news coverage. I think they’ll warm up to the idea with time, though. Once all questions had been answered people began packing up their things to leave, including myself. Stormy knocked on my office door as I gathered my stuff.

“Hey.” I smiled.

“What does this all mean?” He asked incredulously.

“We’re moving into the digital age, Stormy, print is dying. We need to make the paper more accessible to more people. We’re just taking the next step to do that. Why do you seem so worried?”

“Because this is just the first sign that something is wrong,” He closed the door to my office, “Faith, is the paper going under? I need to know!”

“Stormy, the paper is fine right now,” I lied, “but the climate for printed newspapers is a volatile one. Look at this as an insurance policy, not a stamp of death.”

He seemed more comforted by that idea but I felt bad that I had to lie to him. I feel bad that I can’t tell everyone that they might want to start looking for jobs but that might just cause unnecessary panic, anyway. The paper might NOT go under; this website might just save us.

I walked home thinking about how scared my friends are about losing their jobs and I don’t blame them. Not having a job IS scary and the newspaper industry seems to let people go so quickly at the first sign of trouble. I wearily opened my apartment door and instantly cheered up.

“Hey! This is a nice surprise!” I said seeing Sean sitting in one of my living room chairs, “You just left, are you back for a break with the band?”

Sean’s eyes were puffy and he stood up and took my hand.

“You should sit down.” He said hoarsely.

“What happened!? Are you okay? Are the guys okay? Did something happen with the tour?” I asked in a panic as I slowly lowered myself in a chair across from him.

“Everyone is fine. I just need to tell you something.”

“Okay.” I said. I felt like I had been drenched in sickening fear.

“Karen is pregnant.”

My whole body felt like lead. I closed my eyes and slowly laid my head on the back of the chair before letting out a harsh laugh and looking at Sean.

“Oh, we are SO over. Get out.”

(Just a reminder: there won't be a post on Monday because it's Labor Day. Have a great long weekend, readers! -del)

Admissions

Sean got in really late last night. He woke me up when he crawled in to bed. I snuggled into his chest without opening my eyes.

“How was your flight?” I asked groggily as he wrapped his arms around me.

“It was long. I’m glad I’m home.” He whispered. He sounded tired.

“How was the show?” I asked.

“Fine.”

We drifted off to sleep shortly after that and I woke up late for work. Sean was still sleeping when I left so we saw each other right before our session with Mike for the first time since he got in from the airport. I met him in the waiting room of Mike’s office before our appointment.

“Hey.” I said as I sat down on a couch next to him.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek right as Mike’s secretary said we could go in.

“Hello you two.” Mike said as we sat down across from him.

We greeted him and made small talk for a bit before Mike started asking us how everything has been going.

“How do you think you have been progressing since our last session?” He asked.

“We’ve been talking to each other every night on the phone and I think we’ve been making progress on the trust front.” Sean said.

“Would you agree Faith?”

“For the most part.” I said. Sean shot me a confused look which prompted me to go on,

“Well, I don’t think the trust issue has improved, at least not for me. I think it’s going to take more time before my trust comes back even a little bit. I do think we have been able to talk to each other much easier, though.”

“How can you say that, Faith?” Sean asked. He was very hurt, “The fact that I told you I would quit my job if you asked me to didn’t mean anything to you in regards to trusting me? At all?”

“Is that the only reason you asked?” I said.

“No! I meant every word!”

“I’m sorry, what exactly are you two talking about?” Mike interjected.

“Sean told me, at the airport after our last session, that he would quit the tour if I asked him to. I refused.” I said stiffly.

“I see. Why did you do that Sean?” Mike asked.

“Because Faith was clearly upset and I meant every word. I am willing to quit my job for her.”

“And I think it’s unfair to put me in that position, which is why I refused.” I said, “I didn’t see it as a grand gesture of trust.”

“What am I supposed to do to get you to trust me again? I want things to be like before.” He said with an air of frustration. He looked from me to Mike.

“Sean you told me that you cheated on me not even two months ago. I’m gonna need some more time. I’m allowed to not trust you for awhile. Things will never be the same as they were and THAT is not my problem. I don’t want things to be the same as they were. YOU didn’t trust ME the way things were before. The only difference between that and now is that I actually have a reason to not trust you and you NEVER did with me.”

I got quite heated towards the end of my little rant and an overwhelming silence followed.

“Sean what do you think about what Faith said?” Mike prompted.

Sean seemed shocked and at a loss for words but Mike didn’t let him off the hook and kept pressing him.

“I don’t know, okay!?” Sean was angry, “I don’t know how I feel about what she said!”

“Well, you seem angry about it.” Mike said matter-of-factly.

“You don’t say.” Sean said sarcastically.

I could sense that we had hit a standstill during this session and I tried to get us back on track.

“Sean,” I said quietly, “You know we had problems even before you cheated on me.”
He nodded.

“And you know things will never be the same.”

He nodded again.

“So why are you upset?” I asked gently.

“Because it’s all my fault.”

“What is?” Mike asked.

“Everything. It’s my fault that things can’t go back to normal. It’s my fault that we were having problems before. It’s my fault that Faith can’t trust me. I feel so guilty…all the time.”

Mike wanted explore Sean’s feelings of guilt for the rest of our session but I think the fact that Sean was even willing to make such an admission was a big step for him. I thought Sean wanted some time alone so we shared a cab that dropped me off at my apartment before it took him to the airport. I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go with him to the airport anyway considering what a mess I was last time. He said that he’s going to try to come home for longer before our session since we barely saw each other during this trip.

Playing Hooky

I decided to take a personal day from work for my own sanity. I got my hair done and cut it about an inch shorter, I’m happy with how it looks. I also got a manicure and a pedicure before treating myself to a massage. I usually don’t buy such things but I really needed it. I left the spa I had all of this done at feeling relaxed and happy. I decided to purchase a gift for myself, too. I bought a Kindle online and I can’t wait for it to arrive.

After a nice brunch by myself I walked along the lakeshore and soaked up some sun. When I got home I ended up looking at classes online that were offered in my area. They ranged from pet grooming classes to adult dance classes to comic book writing classes. I saw one that caught my eye: a hula hooping class. The description said that students would learn the basics of hula hooping and various moves that could be interpreted into dancing. It seemed like a really fun class to me so I signed up for a month’s worth of lessons with a discount the studio was offering. If anything, it’ll be a nice form of exercise. My first class is on the 17th.

I went grocery shopping and bought Murphy a new collar since he grew out of his old one a long time ago (from the steroids he was on and also gaining weight). He also needed some new toys to play with. I also got a cat brush because Murphy has been shedding like crazy and I’ve been procrastinating on trying to introduce him to being brushed. When I got home I put my groceries away and then got busy introducing Murphy to the cat brush.

He squirmed for a little while but he got used to it and I pulled SO MUCH hair off of him; it had to feel good for him to be rid of it all. After he did such a good job with the brush, I put his new collar on (it’s teal and has rhinestones in the shape of paw prints on it) and then gave him his new toys as a reward for being such a good kitty. Then I made dinner (a cheese omelet, fruit salad, and buttered toast) before soaking in a bubble bath for a good hour.

Overall, it was a nice day and I’m glad I decided to take it off and play hooky from work. It gave me the chance to clear my mind and really focus on myself (and Murphy of course). Sean is going to be here tomorrow and we have our next counseling appointment on the 12th. Sean will be leaving right after we finish up with Mike.

Confessions

I decided to hang out with some co-workers after work yesterday. We went to the bar across the street from our building like we normally do. I was starving so I ordered an irresponsibly large platter of cheese fries for myself to go with my beer. I also may have been eating to help deal with my feelings about my situation with Sean, too. Don’t judge me!

I didn’t really want to hang out with Dina, Suzy, Steve, and the rest but becoming a shut-in isn’t exactly a good idea so I sort of forced myself to go. I sat at the table and listened to everyone else talk instead of adding much to the conversation. It was kind of nice, actually. But I knew it wouldn’t go unnoticed. Everyone filtered out at their own pace and I ended up alone with Stormy at our shared booth. He tried to go for some of my cheese fries.

“Whoa, there, sparky!” I said blocking his fork with mine, “How dare you try to steal a woman’s cheese fries!”

We laughed and I put some on an extra plate before passing it to him.

“Thanks,” he said, “You’ve been really quiet, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“Is it because of what happened?”

For a second I looked at Stormy with confusion before realizing what he was referring to. I also feel kind of bad that I forgot all about that almost-kiss we had.

“Oh, no,” I said, “I just have a lot of stuff going on outside of work, you know.”

I shrugged.

“Oh, with the boyfriend. It’s not going well, I take it?”

I sized Stormy up. We’ve talked about being friends and it was time to make that happen, so I didn’t hesitate to tell him what was up. I also might have been a bit buzzed after my second beer…

“Okay. Well, we’ve been seeing a relationship counselor and things are going…okay but it’s just really hard sometimes. And the fact that he’s on tour is really a hindrance for our progress.”

“How are you guys seeing someone if he’s on tour?” Stormy asked while putting pepper on his cheese fries.

“He comes back every two weeks for the appointment but I’m starting to think that one appointment every two weeks just isn’t enough for us to really work on the things we need to work on.”

“Well, do you guys talk regularly?”

“Over the phone and on Skype. Since we…uh…are you sure you want to know all my problems?” I asked him.

“Yeah.”He said eyeing me suspiciously.

“Okay,” I shrugged, “We’ve been talking every night since we’ve had sex.”

Stormy coughed and started choking. I patted him on the back and handed him his drink. When he composed himself he looked at me with shock.

“You guys have already had sex!?” He said it a little more loudly than I would have preferred.

“It was a ‘homework assignment’ from our counselor.” I said with embarrassment.

“WOW.” He said sitting back in the booth.

“You don’t have to be SO shocked.” I said with a hint of annoyance and anger.

“I’m sorry, I’m just- I’ve never heard of a coupe doing that so quickly after someone cheats.”

“Well, according to the counselor, we needed to because we weren’t going to build up enough intimacy with Sean only being able to come here every two weeks. So we had to get the intimacy back the quick and dirty way. Literally.”

I smiled at my joke.

“I’m sorry,” Stormy said he still looked shocked, “I just can’t even wrap my head around that. I mean, how would you even prepare yourself for that, mentally?”
It seemed like he was talking more to himself but I answered anyway.

“I don’t know, it just happened. I knew we needed to and I’m committed to trying to make this work between Sean and me. I had some time to get into the mindset I needed to be in, too, so that helped.”

Stormy raised his eyebrows and took a sip of his drink.

“But, anyway,” I continued, “when I dropped him off at the airport a few days ago he told me that he wouldn’t go if I asked him to. He said that he would quit the tour and his job and all I had to do was ask.”

“Wow. I’m assuming you told him to go on tour.”

“I did.” I nodded sadly, “The last thing we need is for him to resent me for making him choose me over his career. He still wants to marry me, you know.”

“Well, of course he does, he’s the one who cheated. The question is if you want to marry him after everything he did to you.”

I thought about it as I chewed some cheese fries.

“I don’t think I’m ready to renew our engagement as of right now, but if things keep progressing the way they have been I might. We still have a long way to go, though. So how is Rose?”

Stormy tensed up a little when I asked. I eyed him.

“Uh, she’s okay.”

“What happened?” I said flatly.

“I don’t know. Remember when I told you that her roommate moved out?” I nodded, “She wants me to move in with her instead of finding a new roommate and we haven’t even been dating that long. I told her that I didn’t think moving in together was a good idea and now she’s mad at me and needs a ‘break’ to ‘reconsider our relationship’ which means we’re probably going to be over soon.” He bitterly took a swig from his beer and then crossed his arms.

“Wow.”

“Tell me about it.” He said.

“Well, I’ll give you credit for one thing.”

“What?”

“A lot of guys wouldn’t have told their girlfriends that they didn’t want to move in so straight forwardly. You handled it well, I think. And you’re right. You guys haven’t been dating that long. Is your lease even close to its renewal period?”

“No! I renewed it a few months ago, so I would have to pay all sorts of penalties for breaking it and I’d have to find a sub-letter. It’s a huge hassle and she won’t listen to reason. She thinks I’m just trying to get out of it because I don’t want to be with her.”

“Do you want to be with her?”

“It’s complicated…”

Stormy met my eyes and we shared an understanding.

“I see.” I said looking down at my near-empty platter of cheese fries.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with her…I just feel like I’m settling.” He said trying to recover.

“Stormy, you shouldn’t wait around for me.” I said quietly, “It won’t ever happen.”

“Why?” He said almost defiantly.

“For one, I’m with someone right now-”

“Yeah, someone who doesn’t trust you and then cheated on you!”

“You need to calm down,” I said, “I’m with Sean. That’s the end of it. I’m not going to cheat on him with you; we’re BOTH better than that. Two, I’m never going to date someone that I work with. I’ve been down that road and it was a HUGE mistake. It’s NEVER going to happen again. Three, you’re with Rose. It’s not fair to her that you’re waiting for someone else. She deserves more than that and you deserve a relationship where you actually want to fully commit to the other person.”

Stormy sighed. I could tell he wasn’t very happy.

“You’re right.” He said, “I just wish you weren’t.”

“If things were different…who knows? But they aren’t.” I said, “The timing is just bad, Stormy. For both of us. I want you to be happy, but that can’t happen if you’re waiting for me, okay? Let yourself be with someone else.”

I gently put my hand on top of his across the table and he nodded.

“I’m sorry, Stormy.”

“Me too.”

We talked about some work projects he was looking into for a little while before we both decided to leave. When I got home I collapsed on my couch after feeding Murphy and cried. Things are so complicated and I’m sick of feeling so confused ALL the time. I think I need a vacation just by myself but I know I won’t be able to turn my brain off to enjoy it.

Breakthroughs

Sean and I got to Mike’s office and sat in the lobby until he called us back.

“So.” Mike said as we sat down. “How are you two?”

“I think we’re doing better.” I said.

“I take it you did your homework assignment.” Mike said.

“Twice.” Sean said jokingly; I blushed.

“We still have a long way to go, though.” I said.

Mike nodded, “Like what?”

“Well, for one, I’d like to talk about trust.”

“Okay.” Mike said.

“Sean is going to be on tour with the woman he slept with and I just don’t know how to deal with that.”

“In what way?” Mike asked and cocked his head.

“Well, I’m not really prepared to trust him to not sleep with someone else.”

“Faith, I told you that I would never put you through that again.” Sean said.

“So you’ve talked about this.” Mike stated looking at the two of us.

“Kind of.” I said flatly.

“Tell me about what’s been going on with this.” Mike said.

“I told Sean that I don’t know how to trust him around Karen and being on tour with her. How can I trust that it will never happen again?”

“Well, you can’t.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
That’s not exactly what I wanted to hear; I deflated in my chair and crossed my legs to the other side.

“Yes, she can.” Sean said with a hint of anger.

“Well, you believe that Sean, but Faith is the one whose trust in you has been shot. You may know you’ll never have another affair but she most certainly won’t, no matter how vehemently you will insist upon it. This is the biggest hurdle for couples who are dealing with infidelity. I’m surprised that you two have discussed it already outside of therapy. Most people avoid it for as long as possible.”

“So…now what?” I asked.

“It’s up to you, Faith.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“In my profession, the person who is struggling with trusting the other person in a relationship has to reach a point where they make the choice to trust their partner.”

“So I just have to move on. Just like that?”

Mike was silent.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “But that is total bullshit.”

Mike laughed, “That’s forgiveness, Faith.”

I sat with Mike’s words in silence.

“So, the sex.” Mike said changing the subject.

“What about it?” Sean asked with a sense of discomfort.

“Did either of you learn anything from it? How did you make it happen?”

“Um. It just kind of did?” I said just as uncomfortably as Sean. The conversation I’d had with Sean about Mike being a sex therapist briefly popped into my head and sent fleeting signs of panic through me.

“It was sort of easier to talk to each other after it happened. Before, everything was just so awkward; it’s a bit less tense and it’s not even close to being as awkward now that we’ve passed that hurdle.” Sean said.

I nodded.

“Faith, how did you feel about it?” Mike asked.

“It was sort of freeing for me but I don’t know why. I cried afterward but I’m not-”

“What? You didn’t tell me that.” Sean said looking at me.

“I didn’t think it was something to share…” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Why do you think you cried?” Mike said.

“I honestly have no idea. I don’t even know if they were happy or sad tears.”

“Interesting.” Mike said looking over the rims of his glasses.

Sean looked at him, “Why? Why is that interesting?” His voice sounded panicked.

“How did you feel afterward, Sean? Did you cry?”

“No. I was tired. I fell asleep. Why is Faith crying afterward interesting?” He asked not letting Mike avoid the subject.

“Well, I think Faith crying was probably the first step to her forgiving you, but you seem really distraught about this. Is there a particular reason?” Mike said gazing at Sean.

“No, you were just being really mysterious about it. And this is the first time I’m hearing about this. Why didn’t you tell me?” Sean rounded on me.

“Honestly?”

Sean nodded.

“Because I was embarrassed, Sean. I felt vulnerable. I don’t know why I cried; why would I tell you if I couldn’t explain it to myself?”

We talked some more but eventually we ran out of time and Mike scheduled another appointment in two weeks. He didn’t assign us any homework, though, so I guess we’re supposed to keep doing what we’re doing. Sean had to leave for the airport when we left Mike’s office and asked if I wanted to come and hang out with him until he had to go through security. I shrugged and decided to go see him off.

We had a snack at a restaurant in the airport and then walked around for a little while until it was time for him to go.

“I’m going to miss you.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

I didn’t say anything.

“You’ve been really quiet, Faith.” He said pulling out of the hug.
I tried to avoid his eyes but he followed my gaze. And then the tears came.

“Hey.” He said pulling me into another hug, “Hey.”

“I’m so sick of this.” I said through the tears, “And trying to work through everything while I send you off…back to the tour…it’s just too much, Sean.”
Sean moved me to a bench and held my hands before looking me dead in the eye, “I’ll quit. I won’t get on that plane. Just say the word.”

I looked at Sean with suspicion and wiped my nose on the back of my hand.

“Are…are you serious?”

“Yes. Tell me not to leave, Faith.”

“Sean, you love playing music.”

“I can do that by myself or with another band. Another band that’s here.”

“But all of your friends….”

“I have their cell phone numbers and e-mails. We’ll keep in touch.”

“But you’ll lose your job, your income.”

“I’ll get a new one.”

I considered this for a few moments.

“Sean, I am not going to force you to give up this opportunity. I would never be able to live with myself and you would eventually resent me. Go. Get on the plane and call me when you land.” I said standing up and wiping my tears away, “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’ll be back in two weeks, Faith. I’ll see if I can stay for more than a day.”

“Okay.” I said looking at my shoes.

“Hey,” He said lifting my chin so I would look at him, “I’ll be home in no time.”

I nodded.

“I love you.” He said.

He kissed me and I kissed him back. Hard. When we broke apart, Sean squeezed my hand before walking towards the security line. I waved at him meekly and then left. I’ve been bummed out since he left and I’ve gotta say that I feel really embarrassed about it. I don’t feel like I’ve “punished” Sean enough to allow myself to miss him, but maybe that’s what Mike was getting at with his forgiveness point. It’s not about justice or getting revenge or punishing the other person. I think justice would have been asking Sean to stay and give up the tour but I realized that I don’t want that. I don’t want to make Sean miserable and ruin his career; I just don’t need that kind of retribution to get past this. At some point, you just can’t continue to stew in your anger and I’m never going to get justice or revenge and still have our relationship remain intact so I think it’s time for me to choose to forgive Sean and try to move on. I think this is what therapists call a breakthrough.

Sponges

I got home from work last night and just knew. Sean wasn’t home but I just knew that it was now or never. I changed out of my work clothes and put on a black circle skirt that hit right above my thighs and a white, short-sleeved Henley shirt. I put my hair up in a messy bun and kicked my shoes off before making dinner. I made cheesy scalloped potatoes, pan-fried chicken breasts, and green beans. I had set the table just as Sean walked in carrying his guitar case and a messenger bag. He was wearing dark jeans, his old tennis shoes, and a white, long-sleeved shirt; his hair was perfectly tousled. He was listening to his iPod and took out his earphones slowly when he saw me standing next to the table. Suddenly, a wave of nervousness coated my body.

“Hey.” He said giving me a half-smile as he took his messenger bag off with one hand.

“Hi.” I said shifting my weight from one foot to the other, “I…made dinner.”

“It smells really good.” He said coming over to me.

We stood there awkwardly for a beat before I decided to throw caution to the wind and kiss Sean. It was just as bad as when we kissed in front of Mike’s office and the other night. I actually think it might have been worse, to be honest. As soon as our lips touched, Sean seized up and jammed his hands into his pockets and I didn’t know where to put mine so I had them clasped behind my back. There was no tongue so it was just awkward and long and actually kind of awful. When we broke apart, Sean cleared his throat and looked at the table. We sat down and started eating. Aside from Sean’s compliments on how the food tasted and my “thank yous” dinner was also awkward and lacked any substantial conversation.

At one point we talked about the weather:

“I saw a cloud shaped like a boat today.” Sean said.

“Oh. That’s…cool. Like a sail boat?” I asked.

“No, more like a tug boat…or maybe a canoe?” He said.

That was the point where I realized that my romantic dinner plans had crashed and burned. When both of us had finished eating I stood up to collect the plates to wash them.

“I’ll wash them.” Sean said shooing me away.

I went to my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed, dejected as Sean cleaned off the table. I could hear him washing the dishes so I laid backwards and sighed at the ceiling. Crossing my arms, I shook my head and got angry at how poorly my dinner had gone and how my plans for the evening were probably shot. I felt restless so I got up to go help Sean with the dishes but stopped when I got to the archway of the kitchen. His sleeves were rolled up and his hair was in his eyes. I smiled and leaned against the archway for a bit before going back to my room with a new level of determination. I let my hair fall out of my bun and then slid out of my skirt before pulling off my shirt. Then I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror before heading back to the kitchen.

I leaned against the archway again.

“Sean?”

“Yeah?” He said over his shoulder without looking at me.

I felt like I was walking in slow motion towards him. When he saw me standing next to him his eyes widened and I didn’t give him the chance to hesitate. I stood on my tip-toes and kissed him and finally, finally something clicked. One of his hands was in my hair, getting it soapy and wet; the other was still clutching the sponge and was on the small of my back. Sean was pulling me toward him which made the hot, soapy water from the sponge dribble down my backside. I was clutching his shirt with one hand and had my other arm slung over his shoulder, his hand travelled from the small of my back to the back of my thigh where he lifted me onto the edge of the sink. We came up for air and Sean did a double take at his hand before throwing the sponge over his shoulder, laughing, and going back to kissing me. I wrapped my legs around him and shut the water off in the sink by frantically feeling around for the faucet behind me. He started moving backward and stopped in the kitchen archway where I took his shirt off and started kissing along his jaw line.

I pushed him out of the archway and against the wall in the hallway before unbuttoning the top of his fly and slipping a hand beneath the waistband. I pulled his mouth to mine as he started lightly moaning. One of his hands was gripping my butt and the other was on the back of my head. I slipped my fingers in his belt loops and pulled him into my bedroom by his waist where he unhooked my bra and I unzipped his jeans. He let them fall to the floor before taking off his boxers and sitting on the edge of the bed. I took my underwear off and straddled him and began rocking back and forth. His hands were pressing down hard on my hips and his mouth was roving over my chest and neck.

He flipped me over onto my back after a few minutes and then pulled me up while I was under him so he could get a better position. While he was on top of me our hands interlocked and he started kissing my neck which caused me to get pretty loud. We were both pretty close and Sean started moving faster. He let go of one of my hands and moved his newly free hand between my legs where he started gently rubbing a certain part of my body. My free hand gripped the covers on my bed. I was biting my lip to keep from screaming until Sean kissed me hard right as we both finished. Sean continued moving while our bodies both shuddered when I suddenly felt a second wave hit me. I arched my back and gripped the covers again while Sean looked at me with surprise.

“What was that?” He asked out of breath.

“Um. I think I had…I think I had a double orgasm.” I said.

I broke my other hand from his and moved some hair out of Sean’s eyes and kissed him again. He slid off of me, then I got up and wrapped a long sweater around myself before sidling up next to him and putting my hand on his chest. He kissed my forehead; we laid like that for a long time.

I put my pajamas on eventually while Sean put on a pair of boxers. We ate ice cream on the couch and finally had a conversation that wasn’t mind-numbingly boring or atrociously awkward. Later we had sex again before Sean fell asleep. I stayed up and, surprisingly, started crying but I don’t really know why. I don’t even know if it was because of sadness or happiness. I just know that it happened.

(I am SO sorry about this posting late. It's the first week of classes for me and I completely forgot about the blog last night with trying to get everything ready for today's classes. -del)

Frustration and Regression

I invited Zoey and Molly over for dinner while Sean was meeting Jake and Eddie for dinner and then having an appointment with Dr. Deerhorn. I was planning on making food but after staring at my fridge for 10 minutes and not seeing anything desirable I made an executive decision to order pizza. I sent Zoey a text telling her to bring something to drink, Molly was on dessert duty.

The girls arrived about 10 minutes before the pizza. Molly brought cream cheese-iced brownies with chocolate chips on top and Zoey brought a 12 pack of chilled soda. I went downstairs to meet the delivery guy while they got out plates and cups. We settled in front of the television to watch a Project Runway marathon (Mondo was ROBBED!) when Zoey brought up Anna.

“So, Anna said you stopped by the other day.”

“I did.” I said.

“She also said you were kind of short with her.”

“I guess I would agree with that.” I shrugged.

“Why, Faith?” Molly asked ignoring the television.

“Because I’m sick of hearing you three judge me for not blaming Karen. I feel like I’ve been trying to deal with this in a healthy way and blaming Karen isn’t healthy, for me. Hearing you guys talk about Karen makes me wonder if you think I’m also an evil, manipulative, slut who preyed on Kevin.”

Molly was, unsurprisingly, confused. She’s not familiar with the Kevin saga of my life, or at least not of the fact that we dated. Zoey looked at me with hurt eyes.

“Faith, I don’t think you’re an evil person. Why would you even think that?” Zoey said.

“Because I was in the same position Karen was in when I was dating Kevin. I really do believe that Karen thought Sean and I were over and that she didn’t do this to be malicious. I think she made a mistake that she deeply regrets just like I do. But whenever I talk about it with one of you it makes me feel abnormal for not blaming her.”

“Well…” Molly spoke up, “it’s not abnormal, Faith, it’s just a level of maturity that I, personally, would never have. I’m more amazed by the clarity you have of the situation. I’m not judging you, even though I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.”

Molly looked at Zoey who nodded.

“I would never judge you like that Faith.” Zoey said.

“But you judged Karen like that.”

“But I don’t know the whole story with Karen like I do with you and Kevin. I just thought bashing Karen would make you feel better or at least make you laugh. I didn’t mean for you to interpret that as my opinion on you and your relationship with Kevin. I never meant it that way.”

Zoey looked like she was on the verge of tears, which surprised me quite a bit and then I felt like a jerk.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“Why are YOU apologizing? I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry, Faith.” Zoey said.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, too, Faith.” Molly said.

I nodded and then we went back to watching Tim assess the designers’ looks-in-progress and giggling about some of the atrocious clothes. We stuffed ourselves with pizza and brownies and were busy lounging on the living room furniture watching the end of an episode when I heard the door open. Molly and Zoey shared a look, like they’d discussed this exact scenario before coming here.

“He-” Sean came around the corner and stopped dead at the sight of Molly and Zoey.

“Hi.” Molly waved awkwardly. Zoey said nothing; she just crossed her arms and continued looking at the television.

“I invited the girls over for pizza…” I said.

“I think we should go.” Zoey said getting up and gathering her stuff. Molly followed.

“You guys don’t have to leave! It’s okay!” I said.

“No, we should go, Faith.” Zoey said. She walked past Sean, stopped and said with an icy voice and a curt nod, “Sean.”

He tried to smile at her and cleared his throat.

Molly followed her out slowly but she turned around as she passed Sean and said in a bubbly manner, “I’m rooting for you guys!”

Molly closed the door while Sean and I stood in the living room in silence. I sighed and started cleaning up the remnants of dinner.

“So, Zoey obviously hates me.” Sean said.

“Oh, yeah.” I said quickly.

I turned and started taking stuff to the kitchen.

“Do you want any pizza?” I asked Sean wearily.

“No, thanks.” He helped me clean everything up and then we sat on the couch to finish watching the marathon.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the television, though. I was bummed that Molly and Zoey left so abruptly but I was also thinking about the conversation Sean and I had about Mike the other day. I decided that I would try to get more comfortable with Sean, physically-speaking, so I slid next to him and put my hands between my knees. He had his arm laying on the back of the couch but didn’t wrap it around me when I came to a stop next to him. I cleared my throat and looked at the ceiling. Sean was looking at my side-table lamp, in the opposite direction of where I was sitting. We sat like that, very stiff, for about five minutes while the judges discussed who was going to be the challenge winner.

I’d had enough. I stood up, sat on Sean’s lap and kissed him. It was TERRIBLE. He balled his hands up into fists to avoid touching me or maybe it was because he didn’t know where to put them. I tried to make the kiss hotter by adding tongue but somehow we got out of sync and he basically tried to put his tongue in my mouth while it was closed and then I tried to do the exact same thing to him. We kept bumping our heads because we were out of sync and eventually I was fed up with it.

I threw my head back and shouted, “Ugh! THIS SUCKS!” Before storming to my bedroom, changing into my pajamas and going to bed incredibly frustrated. When I woke up this morning I noticed Sean had slept on the couch. Great. Attempting to be more intimate is actually causing us to regress. Freaking PERFECT! UGH!