Confessions

I decided to hang out with some co-workers after work yesterday. We went to the bar across the street from our building like we normally do. I was starving so I ordered an irresponsibly large platter of cheese fries for myself to go with my beer. I also may have been eating to help deal with my feelings about my situation with Sean, too. Don’t judge me!

I didn’t really want to hang out with Dina, Suzy, Steve, and the rest but becoming a shut-in isn’t exactly a good idea so I sort of forced myself to go. I sat at the table and listened to everyone else talk instead of adding much to the conversation. It was kind of nice, actually. But I knew it wouldn’t go unnoticed. Everyone filtered out at their own pace and I ended up alone with Stormy at our shared booth. He tried to go for some of my cheese fries.

“Whoa, there, sparky!” I said blocking his fork with mine, “How dare you try to steal a woman’s cheese fries!”

We laughed and I put some on an extra plate before passing it to him.

“Thanks,” he said, “You’ve been really quiet, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“Is it because of what happened?”

For a second I looked at Stormy with confusion before realizing what he was referring to. I also feel kind of bad that I forgot all about that almost-kiss we had.

“Oh, no,” I said, “I just have a lot of stuff going on outside of work, you know.”

I shrugged.

“Oh, with the boyfriend. It’s not going well, I take it?”

I sized Stormy up. We’ve talked about being friends and it was time to make that happen, so I didn’t hesitate to tell him what was up. I also might have been a bit buzzed after my second beer…

“Okay. Well, we’ve been seeing a relationship counselor and things are going…okay but it’s just really hard sometimes. And the fact that he’s on tour is really a hindrance for our progress.”

“How are you guys seeing someone if he’s on tour?” Stormy asked while putting pepper on his cheese fries.

“He comes back every two weeks for the appointment but I’m starting to think that one appointment every two weeks just isn’t enough for us to really work on the things we need to work on.”

“Well, do you guys talk regularly?”

“Over the phone and on Skype. Since we…uh…are you sure you want to know all my problems?” I asked him.

“Yeah.”He said eyeing me suspiciously.

“Okay,” I shrugged, “We’ve been talking every night since we’ve had sex.”

Stormy coughed and started choking. I patted him on the back and handed him his drink. When he composed himself he looked at me with shock.

“You guys have already had sex!?” He said it a little more loudly than I would have preferred.

“It was a ‘homework assignment’ from our counselor.” I said with embarrassment.

“WOW.” He said sitting back in the booth.

“You don’t have to be SO shocked.” I said with a hint of annoyance and anger.

“I’m sorry, I’m just- I’ve never heard of a coupe doing that so quickly after someone cheats.”

“Well, according to the counselor, we needed to because we weren’t going to build up enough intimacy with Sean only being able to come here every two weeks. So we had to get the intimacy back the quick and dirty way. Literally.”

I smiled at my joke.

“I’m sorry,” Stormy said he still looked shocked, “I just can’t even wrap my head around that. I mean, how would you even prepare yourself for that, mentally?”
It seemed like he was talking more to himself but I answered anyway.

“I don’t know, it just happened. I knew we needed to and I’m committed to trying to make this work between Sean and me. I had some time to get into the mindset I needed to be in, too, so that helped.”

Stormy raised his eyebrows and took a sip of his drink.

“But, anyway,” I continued, “when I dropped him off at the airport a few days ago he told me that he wouldn’t go if I asked him to. He said that he would quit the tour and his job and all I had to do was ask.”

“Wow. I’m assuming you told him to go on tour.”

“I did.” I nodded sadly, “The last thing we need is for him to resent me for making him choose me over his career. He still wants to marry me, you know.”

“Well, of course he does, he’s the one who cheated. The question is if you want to marry him after everything he did to you.”

I thought about it as I chewed some cheese fries.

“I don’t think I’m ready to renew our engagement as of right now, but if things keep progressing the way they have been I might. We still have a long way to go, though. So how is Rose?”

Stormy tensed up a little when I asked. I eyed him.

“Uh, she’s okay.”

“What happened?” I said flatly.

“I don’t know. Remember when I told you that her roommate moved out?” I nodded, “She wants me to move in with her instead of finding a new roommate and we haven’t even been dating that long. I told her that I didn’t think moving in together was a good idea and now she’s mad at me and needs a ‘break’ to ‘reconsider our relationship’ which means we’re probably going to be over soon.” He bitterly took a swig from his beer and then crossed his arms.

“Wow.”

“Tell me about it.” He said.

“Well, I’ll give you credit for one thing.”

“What?”

“A lot of guys wouldn’t have told their girlfriends that they didn’t want to move in so straight forwardly. You handled it well, I think. And you’re right. You guys haven’t been dating that long. Is your lease even close to its renewal period?”

“No! I renewed it a few months ago, so I would have to pay all sorts of penalties for breaking it and I’d have to find a sub-letter. It’s a huge hassle and she won’t listen to reason. She thinks I’m just trying to get out of it because I don’t want to be with her.”

“Do you want to be with her?”

“It’s complicated…”

Stormy met my eyes and we shared an understanding.

“I see.” I said looking down at my near-empty platter of cheese fries.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be with her…I just feel like I’m settling.” He said trying to recover.

“Stormy, you shouldn’t wait around for me.” I said quietly, “It won’t ever happen.”

“Why?” He said almost defiantly.

“For one, I’m with someone right now-”

“Yeah, someone who doesn’t trust you and then cheated on you!”

“You need to calm down,” I said, “I’m with Sean. That’s the end of it. I’m not going to cheat on him with you; we’re BOTH better than that. Two, I’m never going to date someone that I work with. I’ve been down that road and it was a HUGE mistake. It’s NEVER going to happen again. Three, you’re with Rose. It’s not fair to her that you’re waiting for someone else. She deserves more than that and you deserve a relationship where you actually want to fully commit to the other person.”

Stormy sighed. I could tell he wasn’t very happy.

“You’re right.” He said, “I just wish you weren’t.”

“If things were different…who knows? But they aren’t.” I said, “The timing is just bad, Stormy. For both of us. I want you to be happy, but that can’t happen if you’re waiting for me, okay? Let yourself be with someone else.”

I gently put my hand on top of his across the table and he nodded.

“I’m sorry, Stormy.”

“Me too.”

We talked about some work projects he was looking into for a little while before we both decided to leave. When I got home I collapsed on my couch after feeding Murphy and cried. Things are so complicated and I’m sick of feeling so confused ALL the time. I think I need a vacation just by myself but I know I won’t be able to turn my brain off to enjoy it.