Frustration and Regression

I invited Zoey and Molly over for dinner while Sean was meeting Jake and Eddie for dinner and then having an appointment with Dr. Deerhorn. I was planning on making food but after staring at my fridge for 10 minutes and not seeing anything desirable I made an executive decision to order pizza. I sent Zoey a text telling her to bring something to drink, Molly was on dessert duty.

The girls arrived about 10 minutes before the pizza. Molly brought cream cheese-iced brownies with chocolate chips on top and Zoey brought a 12 pack of chilled soda. I went downstairs to meet the delivery guy while they got out plates and cups. We settled in front of the television to watch a Project Runway marathon (Mondo was ROBBED!) when Zoey brought up Anna.

“So, Anna said you stopped by the other day.”

“I did.” I said.

“She also said you were kind of short with her.”

“I guess I would agree with that.” I shrugged.

“Why, Faith?” Molly asked ignoring the television.

“Because I’m sick of hearing you three judge me for not blaming Karen. I feel like I’ve been trying to deal with this in a healthy way and blaming Karen isn’t healthy, for me. Hearing you guys talk about Karen makes me wonder if you think I’m also an evil, manipulative, slut who preyed on Kevin.”

Molly was, unsurprisingly, confused. She’s not familiar with the Kevin saga of my life, or at least not of the fact that we dated. Zoey looked at me with hurt eyes.

“Faith, I don’t think you’re an evil person. Why would you even think that?” Zoey said.

“Because I was in the same position Karen was in when I was dating Kevin. I really do believe that Karen thought Sean and I were over and that she didn’t do this to be malicious. I think she made a mistake that she deeply regrets just like I do. But whenever I talk about it with one of you it makes me feel abnormal for not blaming her.”

“Well…” Molly spoke up, “it’s not abnormal, Faith, it’s just a level of maturity that I, personally, would never have. I’m more amazed by the clarity you have of the situation. I’m not judging you, even though I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.”

Molly looked at Zoey who nodded.

“I would never judge you like that Faith.” Zoey said.

“But you judged Karen like that.”

“But I don’t know the whole story with Karen like I do with you and Kevin. I just thought bashing Karen would make you feel better or at least make you laugh. I didn’t mean for you to interpret that as my opinion on you and your relationship with Kevin. I never meant it that way.”

Zoey looked like she was on the verge of tears, which surprised me quite a bit and then I felt like a jerk.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“Why are YOU apologizing? I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry, Faith.” Zoey said.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, too, Faith.” Molly said.

I nodded and then we went back to watching Tim assess the designers’ looks-in-progress and giggling about some of the atrocious clothes. We stuffed ourselves with pizza and brownies and were busy lounging on the living room furniture watching the end of an episode when I heard the door open. Molly and Zoey shared a look, like they’d discussed this exact scenario before coming here.

“He-” Sean came around the corner and stopped dead at the sight of Molly and Zoey.

“Hi.” Molly waved awkwardly. Zoey said nothing; she just crossed her arms and continued looking at the television.

“I invited the girls over for pizza…” I said.

“I think we should go.” Zoey said getting up and gathering her stuff. Molly followed.

“You guys don’t have to leave! It’s okay!” I said.

“No, we should go, Faith.” Zoey said. She walked past Sean, stopped and said with an icy voice and a curt nod, “Sean.”

He tried to smile at her and cleared his throat.

Molly followed her out slowly but she turned around as she passed Sean and said in a bubbly manner, “I’m rooting for you guys!”

Molly closed the door while Sean and I stood in the living room in silence. I sighed and started cleaning up the remnants of dinner.

“So, Zoey obviously hates me.” Sean said.

“Oh, yeah.” I said quickly.

I turned and started taking stuff to the kitchen.

“Do you want any pizza?” I asked Sean wearily.

“No, thanks.” He helped me clean everything up and then we sat on the couch to finish watching the marathon.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the television, though. I was bummed that Molly and Zoey left so abruptly but I was also thinking about the conversation Sean and I had about Mike the other day. I decided that I would try to get more comfortable with Sean, physically-speaking, so I slid next to him and put my hands between my knees. He had his arm laying on the back of the couch but didn’t wrap it around me when I came to a stop next to him. I cleared my throat and looked at the ceiling. Sean was looking at my side-table lamp, in the opposite direction of where I was sitting. We sat like that, very stiff, for about five minutes while the judges discussed who was going to be the challenge winner.

I’d had enough. I stood up, sat on Sean’s lap and kissed him. It was TERRIBLE. He balled his hands up into fists to avoid touching me or maybe it was because he didn’t know where to put them. I tried to make the kiss hotter by adding tongue but somehow we got out of sync and he basically tried to put his tongue in my mouth while it was closed and then I tried to do the exact same thing to him. We kept bumping our heads because we were out of sync and eventually I was fed up with it.

I threw my head back and shouted, “Ugh! THIS SUCKS!” Before storming to my bedroom, changing into my pajamas and going to bed incredibly frustrated. When I woke up this morning I noticed Sean had slept on the couch. Great. Attempting to be more intimate is actually causing us to regress. Freaking PERFECT! UGH!