Admissions

Sean got in really late last night. He woke me up when he crawled in to bed. I snuggled into his chest without opening my eyes.

“How was your flight?” I asked groggily as he wrapped his arms around me.

“It was long. I’m glad I’m home.” He whispered. He sounded tired.

“How was the show?” I asked.

“Fine.”

We drifted off to sleep shortly after that and I woke up late for work. Sean was still sleeping when I left so we saw each other right before our session with Mike for the first time since he got in from the airport. I met him in the waiting room of Mike’s office before our appointment.

“Hey.” I said as I sat down on a couch next to him.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek right as Mike’s secretary said we could go in.

“Hello you two.” Mike said as we sat down across from him.

We greeted him and made small talk for a bit before Mike started asking us how everything has been going.

“How do you think you have been progressing since our last session?” He asked.

“We’ve been talking to each other every night on the phone and I think we’ve been making progress on the trust front.” Sean said.

“Would you agree Faith?”

“For the most part.” I said. Sean shot me a confused look which prompted me to go on,

“Well, I don’t think the trust issue has improved, at least not for me. I think it’s going to take more time before my trust comes back even a little bit. I do think we have been able to talk to each other much easier, though.”

“How can you say that, Faith?” Sean asked. He was very hurt, “The fact that I told you I would quit my job if you asked me to didn’t mean anything to you in regards to trusting me? At all?”

“Is that the only reason you asked?” I said.

“No! I meant every word!”

“I’m sorry, what exactly are you two talking about?” Mike interjected.

“Sean told me, at the airport after our last session, that he would quit the tour if I asked him to. I refused.” I said stiffly.

“I see. Why did you do that Sean?” Mike asked.

“Because Faith was clearly upset and I meant every word. I am willing to quit my job for her.”

“And I think it’s unfair to put me in that position, which is why I refused.” I said, “I didn’t see it as a grand gesture of trust.”

“What am I supposed to do to get you to trust me again? I want things to be like before.” He said with an air of frustration. He looked from me to Mike.

“Sean you told me that you cheated on me not even two months ago. I’m gonna need some more time. I’m allowed to not trust you for awhile. Things will never be the same as they were and THAT is not my problem. I don’t want things to be the same as they were. YOU didn’t trust ME the way things were before. The only difference between that and now is that I actually have a reason to not trust you and you NEVER did with me.”

I got quite heated towards the end of my little rant and an overwhelming silence followed.

“Sean what do you think about what Faith said?” Mike prompted.

Sean seemed shocked and at a loss for words but Mike didn’t let him off the hook and kept pressing him.

“I don’t know, okay!?” Sean was angry, “I don’t know how I feel about what she said!”

“Well, you seem angry about it.” Mike said matter-of-factly.

“You don’t say.” Sean said sarcastically.

I could sense that we had hit a standstill during this session and I tried to get us back on track.

“Sean,” I said quietly, “You know we had problems even before you cheated on me.”
He nodded.

“And you know things will never be the same.”

He nodded again.

“So why are you upset?” I asked gently.

“Because it’s all my fault.”

“What is?” Mike asked.

“Everything. It’s my fault that things can’t go back to normal. It’s my fault that we were having problems before. It’s my fault that Faith can’t trust me. I feel so guilty…all the time.”

Mike wanted explore Sean’s feelings of guilt for the rest of our session but I think the fact that Sean was even willing to make such an admission was a big step for him. I thought Sean wanted some time alone so we shared a cab that dropped me off at my apartment before it took him to the airport. I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go with him to the airport anyway considering what a mess I was last time. He said that he’s going to try to come home for longer before our session since we barely saw each other during this trip.