Breakthroughs

Sean and I got to Mike’s office and sat in the lobby until he called us back.

“So.” Mike said as we sat down. “How are you two?”

“I think we’re doing better.” I said.

“I take it you did your homework assignment.” Mike said.

“Twice.” Sean said jokingly; I blushed.

“We still have a long way to go, though.” I said.

Mike nodded, “Like what?”

“Well, for one, I’d like to talk about trust.”

“Okay.” Mike said.

“Sean is going to be on tour with the woman he slept with and I just don’t know how to deal with that.”

“In what way?” Mike asked and cocked his head.

“Well, I’m not really prepared to trust him to not sleep with someone else.”

“Faith, I told you that I would never put you through that again.” Sean said.

“So you’ve talked about this.” Mike stated looking at the two of us.

“Kind of.” I said flatly.

“Tell me about what’s been going on with this.” Mike said.

“I told Sean that I don’t know how to trust him around Karen and being on tour with her. How can I trust that it will never happen again?”

“Well, you can’t.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
That’s not exactly what I wanted to hear; I deflated in my chair and crossed my legs to the other side.

“Yes, she can.” Sean said with a hint of anger.

“Well, you believe that Sean, but Faith is the one whose trust in you has been shot. You may know you’ll never have another affair but she most certainly won’t, no matter how vehemently you will insist upon it. This is the biggest hurdle for couples who are dealing with infidelity. I’m surprised that you two have discussed it already outside of therapy. Most people avoid it for as long as possible.”

“So…now what?” I asked.

“It’s up to you, Faith.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“In my profession, the person who is struggling with trusting the other person in a relationship has to reach a point where they make the choice to trust their partner.”

“So I just have to move on. Just like that?”

Mike was silent.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “But that is total bullshit.”

Mike laughed, “That’s forgiveness, Faith.”

I sat with Mike’s words in silence.

“So, the sex.” Mike said changing the subject.

“What about it?” Sean asked with a sense of discomfort.

“Did either of you learn anything from it? How did you make it happen?”

“Um. It just kind of did?” I said just as uncomfortably as Sean. The conversation I’d had with Sean about Mike being a sex therapist briefly popped into my head and sent fleeting signs of panic through me.

“It was sort of easier to talk to each other after it happened. Before, everything was just so awkward; it’s a bit less tense and it’s not even close to being as awkward now that we’ve passed that hurdle.” Sean said.

I nodded.

“Faith, how did you feel about it?” Mike asked.

“It was sort of freeing for me but I don’t know why. I cried afterward but I’m not-”

“What? You didn’t tell me that.” Sean said looking at me.

“I didn’t think it was something to share…” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Why do you think you cried?” Mike said.

“I honestly have no idea. I don’t even know if they were happy or sad tears.”

“Interesting.” Mike said looking over the rims of his glasses.

Sean looked at him, “Why? Why is that interesting?” His voice sounded panicked.

“How did you feel afterward, Sean? Did you cry?”

“No. I was tired. I fell asleep. Why is Faith crying afterward interesting?” He asked not letting Mike avoid the subject.

“Well, I think Faith crying was probably the first step to her forgiving you, but you seem really distraught about this. Is there a particular reason?” Mike said gazing at Sean.

“No, you were just being really mysterious about it. And this is the first time I’m hearing about this. Why didn’t you tell me?” Sean rounded on me.

“Honestly?”

Sean nodded.

“Because I was embarrassed, Sean. I felt vulnerable. I don’t know why I cried; why would I tell you if I couldn’t explain it to myself?”

We talked some more but eventually we ran out of time and Mike scheduled another appointment in two weeks. He didn’t assign us any homework, though, so I guess we’re supposed to keep doing what we’re doing. Sean had to leave for the airport when we left Mike’s office and asked if I wanted to come and hang out with him until he had to go through security. I shrugged and decided to go see him off.

We had a snack at a restaurant in the airport and then walked around for a little while until it was time for him to go.

“I’m going to miss you.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

I didn’t say anything.

“You’ve been really quiet, Faith.” He said pulling out of the hug.
I tried to avoid his eyes but he followed my gaze. And then the tears came.

“Hey.” He said pulling me into another hug, “Hey.”

“I’m so sick of this.” I said through the tears, “And trying to work through everything while I send you off…back to the tour…it’s just too much, Sean.”
Sean moved me to a bench and held my hands before looking me dead in the eye, “I’ll quit. I won’t get on that plane. Just say the word.”

I looked at Sean with suspicion and wiped my nose on the back of my hand.

“Are…are you serious?”

“Yes. Tell me not to leave, Faith.”

“Sean, you love playing music.”

“I can do that by myself or with another band. Another band that’s here.”

“But all of your friends….”

“I have their cell phone numbers and e-mails. We’ll keep in touch.”

“But you’ll lose your job, your income.”

“I’ll get a new one.”

I considered this for a few moments.

“Sean, I am not going to force you to give up this opportunity. I would never be able to live with myself and you would eventually resent me. Go. Get on the plane and call me when you land.” I said standing up and wiping my tears away, “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’ll be back in two weeks, Faith. I’ll see if I can stay for more than a day.”

“Okay.” I said looking at my shoes.

“Hey,” He said lifting my chin so I would look at him, “I’ll be home in no time.”

I nodded.

“I love you.” He said.

He kissed me and I kissed him back. Hard. When we broke apart, Sean squeezed my hand before walking towards the security line. I waved at him meekly and then left. I’ve been bummed out since he left and I’ve gotta say that I feel really embarrassed about it. I don’t feel like I’ve “punished” Sean enough to allow myself to miss him, but maybe that’s what Mike was getting at with his forgiveness point. It’s not about justice or getting revenge or punishing the other person. I think justice would have been asking Sean to stay and give up the tour but I realized that I don’t want that. I don’t want to make Sean miserable and ruin his career; I just don’t need that kind of retribution to get past this. At some point, you just can’t continue to stew in your anger and I’m never going to get justice or revenge and still have our relationship remain intact so I think it’s time for me to choose to forgive Sean and try to move on. I think this is what therapists call a breakthrough.