Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Sean and I spent the majority of the weekend sitting on opposite sides of the couch not talking to each other. It was as awkward as you’d imagine it to be. Even though we weren’t talking, I think we were both thinking about Mike’s “assignment”. It was late Sunday night when Sean felt like trying to have a conversation.

“Faith?” Sean had stopped tuning his guitar.

“Hm?” I said not looking up from my magazine.

“Do you want to look into a new counselor?”

Sean’s question took me by surprise. I looked up from my article and set my magazine in my lap. I didn’t say anything but looked at Sean in an inquisitive way.

“I was just thinking, I can tell you’re not really very comfortable with Mike’s…approach and I thought it might be worth discussing.”

“Do you want a new counselor?” I asked. I had never really considered Sean’s opinion while choosing a counselor so my ears perked up a bit.

“I don’t know.”

“I thought you would have liked Mike.” I said more to myself than to Sean.
Sean didn’t say anything but gave me an unreadable look.

“Dr. Sheehan recommended him and I think she gave me the best recommendation but if you don’t like him I can ask her if she would be willing to recommend someone else.” I said shrugging.

“But do you want someone else?” Sean asked with trepidation.

“What’s this really about, Sean?” I said closing my magazine and putting it on the coffee table.

“Are you sure he’s a relationship counselor?”

“Yes. Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“Are you sure he’s not, like, a sex therapist.”

I burst out laughing.

“What?” I said gasping for air.

“He just seems so focused on our sex life…are you sure his main focus is on relationships?”

Sean looked really serious which made me stop laughing.

“Sean, sex is a big part of a relationship. It helps build trust. You heard Mike explain that.”

“I know but…” He trailed off.

“But what?”

“Well…so are we just going to lie at our next appointment?”

“About having sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you assuming we aren’t going to have sex?” I asked cocking my head. I felt somewhat offended, although I don’t really know why.

Sean looked flustered and leaned his guitar on the side table.

“Come on, Faith.” He said exasperatedly, “We aren’t there yet. You’ll barely let me touch you and the last thing I want to do is feel like I’m forcing you to have sex. They have a name for that, you know. I’m not going to rape my girlfriend.”

“Then we’ll just lie.” I said with an air of apathy reaching for my magazine and shrugging.

“You and I both know that lying to a therapist doesn’t help. I think we should look for a new one.”

“Okay. Why don’t you ask Dr. Deerhorn for a recommendation the next time you go?”
Sean seemed irritated.

“What’s the problem?” I said with annoyance.

“Faith, you wanted us to see this guy. You don’t seem very invested right now.”

“Probably because I haven’t just assumed we’re never going to have sex again, like you obviously have.” I said flipping a magazine page nonchalantly.

Sean sighed angrily so I put my magazine back on the coffee table and turned myself toward him.

“What?” I asked even more annoyed.

“Our appointment is in less than a week. How do you expect to be where you need to be emotionally by then in order to have sex?”

“Emotionally? Oh, Sean,” I smirked angrily, “I didn’t need to have an emotional connection with you to have sex in a bar bathroom and I most certainly don’t need it now. What I DO need is chemistry and we have that so I’m not worried about doing my homework.”

Sean stared at me aghast.

“Do you want to have sex right now?” I asked him exasperatedly.

He was shocked into silence so I scooted toward him, sat on my knees, and started taking off my shirt, which snapped him out of it.

“No! Stop!” He said trying to put my shirt back on.

“Fine. I’m going to bed.” I said taking my shirt off and dropping it on his lap. As I rounded the corner to the hallway, I took my pants off and threw them around his head, followed by my bra, but he didn’t take the bait and I changed into my pajamas. About an hour later Sean crept into my bedroom and laid down next to me.

It’s weird. I’m not as confident as I came off to Sean. He is right. I’m really not ready to have sex with him and I’m not sure I ever will be if I go at my own pace. I’ve been thinking about our “homework” from Mike and I kind of get where Mike is coming from. Last night was almost freeing for me. On the one hand, I am still sexually attracted to Sean, which is nice. On the other hand, the idea of having sex with him wasn’t as upsetting as it had been when Mike had first assigned it. I think sitting with it for awhile has helped me deal with having to let Sean in because Mike is right; Sean and I need to rebuild our intimacy and we really can’t do that with him on tour and just trying to bond with talking (obviously we aren’t really doing too well with that since we spent the majority of the weekend avoiding conversation). Also, I think I just really want to have sex, so maybe I’m more receptive to Mike’s approach after thinking about it for awhile because of that, too; it’s been over a month and I’m only human, dammit, but Sean’s right. I’m not where I need to be in order to do this. The problem is I don’t know how to get there. I do think talking about it with Sean and forcing in the sexual tension helped, but it didn’t push me far enough.

Trying

Sean got home last night. He’s going to be here for a week (he leaves right after our counseling appointment). He got in at around 11 at night. I was laying in bed watching television in my pajamas with Murphy snuggled up next to me.

“Hey.” He said standing in my doorway.

“Hi.” I said not looking away from the television.

He put his stuff down in the living room and then made a sandwich in the kitchen. After awhile he finished eating it and then stood in my doorway.

“Faith, can I grab a blanket and a pillow?”

“Okay.” I said and shut the television off.

He slid open my closet and grabbed a light blanket and then took a pillow off of my bed before going back to the living room. I turned the light off in my bedroom and watched the shadows from the living room play on my wall. He’d changed into his pajamas and made a bed up on the couch before shutting the light off and shoving my bedroom into total darkness. I could hear Sean breathing and Murphy’s purring and nearly forgot about the state of our relationship for a few minutes.

“Sean?” I sighed.

“Yeah?”

“You might as well just sleep in here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really, but I guess I should make the effort.” I was surprised at how mean I had sounded.

Sean brought the pillow and blanket back into my room and laid down next to me. Both of us were on our backs, staring at the ceiling. I heard Zoey’s suggestion to tell Sean how I feel echoing in my head and decided to try it.

“I’m really angry with you.” I said after about 5 minutes of silence.

“You should be.”

“I’m being so mean to you.”

“I deserve it.”

“I don’t know how to stop.”

“That’s understandable.”

I sighed sadly and continued staring at the ceiling until a flurry of anger hit me like a train.

“Do you have any idea just how much you’ve hurt me?” I crossed my arms.
Sean didn’t answer so I continued.

“I think that I could have gotten past this much easier had you slept with Karen because you were sad or upset but you didn’t. You told me you slept with her just to hurt me. Well you did and now I don’t know what to do or how to heal from this. If we go down, Sean, it’s because of you and your actions. And so help me if you ever sleep with her or another person outside of our relationship again, I swear to-”

“I’m not going to, Faith. I wish I could communicate to you how much I regret what I did. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough to fix it. I know that. It’s okay that you hate me; I hate me, too.”

I went to say something but stopped myself and let Sean’s words sink in.

“I don’t hate you. Or…at least I don’t think I do.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“I don’t really know how I feel right now, Sean. Sometimes I love you and other times I’m so angry with you that my muscles tense up. Occasionally I feel numb to our entire relationship while, still, during other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t breathe.”

We laid there, staring at the ceiling in silence. Sean didn’t know what to say and neither did I.

After another long pause I gave in to the doubt regarding Karen my friends had put there, “You’re going to be alone with her on the road.”

“I know.”

“How can I be sure it won’t happen again if we get into a fight or have a hard time at the counselor’s?”

“It won’t happen again.”

“How can I trust you to not sleep with her or a fan or another crew member?”

“Faith, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I am NEVER going to jeopardize our relationship EVER again. It was a stupid, stupid mistake and bad judgment and I would rather die than hurt you the way I have by sleeping with her again or anyone else, for that matter.”

“It’s going to be a long road to me trusting you again.”

“I know.”

We continued staring at the ceiling in silence. After awhile he spoke.

“I’d take it back in a heartbeat.”

“I know.”

“I love you and I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d have me.”

“I know.”

“I’d love Murphy as my own.” He said. I could hear the nervous humor in his voice.

“You already do.” I laughed gently.

I moved my hand from my torso and inched it closer to Sean’s, which was laying next to him on the mattress, until our pinkies touched. He turned his over and I intertwined my fingers with his. We looked at each other for the first time since he got home. Then he lifted our hands and kissed mine before putting it back down on the mattress. I smiled sadly and fell asleep shortly after.

Haters

I feel like I haven’t seen Anna in ages so I went to her house for lunch and some twin-time earlier today. Weatherly was laying on a padded blanket kicking at a little mobile toy with soft animals hanging from it while Anna nursed Andrew on the couch. I was moving the mobile while Weatherly happily kicked and laughed.

“On your anniversary?” She said shocked.

“Yep.” I said.

I had barely talked to Anna since Sean told me that he cheated, so I was recapping it all for her. She already knew the majority of the details from Zoey, but wanted to hear it from me.

“With the tour manager?”

“Yeah.”

“And he’s going to continue with the tour?”

“Yeah, but he has to come back every two weeks so we can see a relationship therapist that Dr. Sheehan recommended.”

“And you’re…okay with him being on tour with her?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘okay with it’ I just don’t really have any beef with Karen.”

“But how can you say that, Faith? She slept with YOUR fiancé.”

“Like I told Molly and Zoey, I’m not in a relationship with Karen. I don’t expect her to make sure Sean doesn’t cheat on me with any groupies. It’s not her job to make sure Sean acts like a decent person on tour. That’s Sean’s job. And he’s the one I’m in a relationship with.”

“But she knew you guys were engaged. Surely you hold her a little responsible!” Anna said raising her voice but making it sound happy so Andrew didn’t become alarmed.

“Well, if I think back to the fight Sean and I had on our anniversary he basically dumped me, so for all I know she thought we weren’t together. For all I know Sean probably got back to the buses completely pissed off and unloaded on Karen and told her that he was done with me before they had sex.”

“Well, if you’re going to use that logic, then he didn’t really cheat on you.” Anna said flatly.

I glared at her.

“Yes, he did. He really only fake-dumped me because he was mad. He didn’t actually dump me and Sean knows that but I’m sure that whatever he told Karen made it sound like we were over even if he knew deep down that he only fake-dumped me.”

“But-”

“Anna, Karen isn’t the issue here. He could have cheated on me with anyone and it wouldn’t have been any different. The only person to blame for what happened is Sean and his behavior is the only thing I’m concerned about. I don’t like defending Karen and the choices she made but you just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I’ve been Karen.”

“Faith, you are not some slut who preys on another woman’s fiancé.”

“I’m sure Hannah would disagree.”

Anna didn’t say anything.

“You don’t get it. When I was with Kevin, the only side of the story I was getting was his. I believed him when he said that they were through. I believed him when he told me that she was crazy and too attached to him. I believed every single word of it. And it was ALL lies. I was Karen.”

“But that was different.”

“No, it wasn’t. I was more willing to believe Kevin because I wanted to be with him but I can see how finding Sean as upset as he was would be enough evidence to convince Karen that we weren’t together anymore. Even though Sean may have felt that way because anger was making him want to believe I’d hurt him and we were through, he didn’t feel that we had broken up when we reconciled. And if we had been broken up, Sean would not have had any obligation to tell me what happened, but he did, which tells me that even if he told Karen that he was done with me in anger, he didn’t truly believe it once he got some clarity back the next morning. But by that point the damage was done.”

“But how do you know Karen didn’t come on to him after seeing how upset he was?”

“I don’t but I also don’t think that’s what happened. You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective, Anna. You’re looking at it from the view that Karen knew exactly what she was doing.”

“Yeah, cause she did.”

“I disagree. You’re making it completely black and white. You don’t know the whole story.”

“So tell me.”

“I think Karen comforted Sean that night because they are friends. You don’t work with someone and hear about their life and end up being completely ambivalent to each other. You don’t spend months on a tour bus together without developing some kind of working friendship. Sean has that with his band buddies and other crew members, Karen wouldn’t be any different. I think Karen wanted to comfort her colleague, not bed him. When I comfort you I’m not trying to sleep with you; I just want to help you talk about whatever is bothering you.”

“Okay…” Anna said trying to follow my logic.

“I think Karen has been trying to get over the break-up with her boyfriend and seeing Sean upset and trying to comfort him made those feelings of being dumped and practically thrown out of her shared apartment come back and she wanted a distraction from those feelings; so Sean used her to hurt me and Karen used Sean to make herself feel desirable again because she thought we were over. I totally get it and I don’t blame her. At all. Being mad at her isn’t going to fix anything; the only thing it’s going to do is direct my attention away from Sean’s behavior when all of my attention should be focused on it.”

“And yet, they still work together. They still travel together and they practically live together and you’re saying you don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I felt absolutely disgusted with myself when I realized that I had been dating someone who hadn’t actually broken up with their fiancé and I’m sure Karen feels exactly like I did, so I’m sure she won’t sleep with him again as long as we’re still together. Or, look at it this way: I have bigger problems than Karen on my plate right now.”

Anna shrugged but didn’t say anything. I went back to playing with Weatherly while she finished nursing Andrew. A few minutes later, Theo came home and I decided to leave.

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had about Karen with my friends and, honestly, what they’re saying is making it harder for me to get into the right frame of mind to focus on the relationship I have with Sean (not to mention that it’s bringing up residual guilt because I was unknowingly having an affair with an engaged man just like Karen probably did). The only thing these conversations have done is put doubt into how I feel about Karen; like there’s something wrong with me simply because I don’t blame her. I’m tired of being told to hate another woman who basically made the same mistake that I did in a previous relationship and it makes me wonder if my friends, deep down, think I’m just as evil or slutty or predatory like they think Karen is.

What it all boils down to, though, is this: I think blaming Karen would be the easy way of dealing with my relationship problems.
I t would be SO easy for me to throw my hands up and just say, “Well, Karen is just a manipulative whore who screwed my fiancée and ruined my perfect relationship and I’m going to claw her eyes out and that will make me feel better!” But that gives Sean a pass for cheating, in a way, because then it’s all Karen’s fault and it also implies that Sean can’t control himself while in the presence of other women. I might be mad at Sean, but he deserves more credit than that and shouldn’t be reduced to a walking penis. Holding Sean accountable for his actions is, ultimately, the only way that I can foresee myself getting through this because if I did blame Karen and I took the easy route I would never feel secure in a relationship ever again, even with the help of a relationship counselor. I recognize that the cheating wasn’t just an event that happened, it’s a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship I have with Sean: the fact that HE doesn’t want to trust ME. And THAT is what I need to focus my attention on. I can give Sean the chance to rebuild the trust he shattered but it’ll be a waste of our time if we don’t fix the problems in the foundation of our relationship and I think that’s what Anna, Molly, and Zoey just aren’t understanding.

If I allow myself to vilify Karen, it’s going to give me an excuse to live in denial about the serious problems in my relationship and I refuse to live in denial about them anymore, so that means I don’t get to take the easy route and blame her for the downfall of my relationship. The blame for that goes strictly to me Sean and me.


(I thought I'd post Monday's post early because I just got caught up on Bedroom Blog and feel bad that the only thing you guys have been able to read for the past two weeks are gross posts about K's pubic hair and the only way to comment on them is to have it show up on your Facebook accounts. So, no post on Monday because this is Monday's post! Enjoy! -del)

Laugh to Keep From Crying

Molly’s roommate, Leonard, was out of town visiting his sister who just had a baby so Molly invited Zoey and I to dinner (she invited Anna, too, but Anna wanted to spend time with the twins and her in-laws who are staying with her and Theo for the week) and we were currently waiting to eat dinner after setting the table. Molly made steak fajitas with onions and peppers from the farmer’s market that comes to her neighborhood every Sunday morning. Zoey and I had laid out a bowl of cheese, warmed tortillas, homemade pico de gallo, a bowl of sour cream, and a bowl of guacamole on the table amongst our wine glasses and plates when Molly came around the corner with the sizzling skillet.

Dinner was great. Molly told us that she and Calvin were doing really well. They aren’t exclusive yet but they were having a lot of fun together and she’s just going with the flow in that regard. Zoey is doing really well with Wesley, too. She told Molly all about their vacation and even showed her some pictures. And then we came to me.

“We saw our counselor the other day.” I said laying some onions on a tortilla,” First, Sean was late. SO late that our appointment was only 20 minutes.”

“How long are they supposed to be?” Molly asked.

“An hour.”

“Ouch.” She said spreading sour cream on her tortilla.

“Did he at least apologize?” Zoey asked refilling our glasses with more wine.

“Yeah, he promised it wouldn’t be a habit.”

“Well that’s good, right? It shows that he’s aware he needs to make an effort.” Molly said.

“Yeah. I guess. I don’t know, you guys. I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake.”

“What do you mean?” Zoey asked sprinkling cheese on her tortilla and folding it up.

“I thought I’d be able to overcome this but I just feel so angry all the time. I feel like I’m punishing Sean but at the same time I don’t feel bad about it because of what he did.”

“Have you talked to him about how you feel?” Zoey asked.

“I talked to him about what happened, but my feelings? No. I think it’s obvious to Sean how I feel.”

“Maybe telling Sean how you feel will give you a new perspective.” Zoey said sipping her wine.

“I think it’s okay to feel angry, in any case, Faith. He betrayed your trust. Speaking of that, how are you dealing with him being on tour with Karen?” Molly said.

“Honestly, I’m indifferent to Karen’s presence on tour with him.”

“Really?” Zoey and Molly said at the same time.

“Yeah.” I shrugged.

“But….how? She ruined your relationship!” Molly said with shock and an indignant tone.

“No. She didn’t. I’m not in a relationship with Karen, Molly. The only person who ruined my relationship with Sean was Sean. There’s always going to be some woman throwing herself at the men I date; if I allow myself to obsess about Karen or blame her for ‘stealing Sean’ or whatever then I will always be insecure in my future relationships. The truth is…Sean and I were having problems well before Karen came into the picture, she’s merely a symptom of the bigger problem.”

“That’s so…adult.” Molly said.

“It’s been known to happen.” I said smirking.

“You really don’t want to just punch her in the face? Or at least kick her down some stairs?” Zoey said.

“Nope. I mean, at first, I was mad at her, but I did A LOT of thinking about this situation and I decided that Karen could have been anybody. Sean is a musician; he’s going to have groupies throwing themselves at him for his entire career. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt as much if it was an anonymous groupie but I honestly don’t have any feelings toward Karen at all. The way I see it, all of my problems are with Sean. He chose to sleep with her-”

“But Karen also chose to sleep with him.” Molly pointed out.

“True, but, like I said, I’m not in a relationship with Karen. It’s not up to Karen to make sure my fiancé behaves while he’s on tour. She’s not his babysitter and I don’t expect her to police his behavior. Plus, I don’t really think she wants to be in a relationship with Sean. I think she was hurting from her recent break-up and made a stupid mistake. Sean on the other hand knew what he was doing. He basically told me that he only did it because he wanted to get revenge and hurt me. I have a bigger issue with that than I do with whatever was going through Karen’s head.”

“You don’t think you’re just in denial about it?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t think so. It’s possible I’m still in shock about the whole thing but it’s weird…it was easier to forgive Karen than it will be for me to forgive Sean. I don’t even know if that’s going to happen.”

“Faith, it’s okay if you’ve changed your mind about being with him.” Molly said putting a hand on mine.

“It’s not that…everything just…sucks.” I said bursting into tears, “Our counselor wants us to have sex before our next appointment. H-he said it would jump st-start our relationship and I-I don’t know i-if I can bring myself to do that r-right now.”

Zoey and Molly both looked shocked and repulsed.


“He wants you guys to…?” Zoey said with confusion.

“YES! THANK YOU!” I said pointing at her, “That’s exactly how I looked when he said it!”

“When’s your next appointment?” Molly asked.

“The 29th.”

“Do you think you’re going to find a way?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t know. It might just be one of those things that’s like ripping off a band-aid. It’s just easier to do it quickly to get it over with.”

“What happens if you don’t?” Molly asked.

“Mike said it would be a waste of our time to see him if we weren’t willing to increase our level of intimacy by a significant amount every session because of Sean’s schedule and the fact that we only see Mike every two weeks.”

A silence came over the table. All of us looked down at our plates until Molly broke the silence.

“Well…sometimes hate sex is fun…” The three of us burst out laughing.

First Kiss

I found myself sitting in the waiting room of the relationship counselor’s office waiting for Sean. His plane was delayed and he sent me a text saying he might be a few minutes late to our first session. I was irritated and kept wiggling my foot and looking at the clock. Mike, our counselor recommended by Dr. Sheehan, called me into his office after a few more minutes of waiting. Mike has cropped black hair and a meticulously manicured beard. He wears dark-framed, thick glasses and was wearing and brown suit.
I apologized for Sean’s lateness as I sat down in his office and explained the situation.
“That’s not a problem. Why don’t you explain why you guys are here today.” Mike prompted.
“Well,” I said trying to think of the best way to phrase everything, “Sean and I got engaged shortly before he left for tour, he’s a musician, and we’ve been having tension for a long time. I recently found out that he slept with his tour manager on our anniversary after a fight between us and after a lot of thinking about it I decided to stay with him and try to fix our relationship. So that’s where we’re at right now.”
Just then Sean came into Mike’s office apologizing profusely and sat in the chair next to mine. He was panting as if he’d ran here. The tension between him and I when he entered the room was still apparent, though (this was the first time seeing each other since we’d met in the park).
“Faith was just telling me what brought you guys here.” Mike explained calmly to Sean.
Sean gave me a sideways glance as if to gauge my mood.
“I’m sensing some tension.” Mike said.
I almost burst out laughing. That was an understatement, for sure. I hadn’t looked at Sean once since he’d come in. Neither of us said anything. I looked down at my nails; the long silence was very loud. Eventually Sean cleared his throat and spoke up.
“We haven’t seen each other since we last discussed my….”
“Infidelity.” Mike stated.
“Yeah.” Sean said.
I smirked on the inside. I liked that Mark was being direct about Sean’s actions.
“Sean you seem uncomfortable discussing this.” Mike never seems to ask questions; he makes comments, really.
“Well, I am.” Sean said.
“Is there a reason?” Mike asked.
“It’s a sensitive topic.” Sean chanced a look at me. I was still looking at my nails. “I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“Avoiding a candid discussion about this isn’t going to help either of you. Sean, you were unfaithful in your relationship with Faith. It happened. Let’s acknowledge it. Acknowledging what happened is the only way either of you will ever be able to move on from this.”
“Okay.” Sean said.
“Now, our time is almost up for today so-”
“What? We’ve barely just started talking.” I said looking up from my nails.
“We started rather late.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
I glared at Sean. It was the first time I looked at him during the appointment.
“Faith, you seem upset.”
“That’s because I am. I went to the trouble of setting up this appointment and Sean can’t even get here on time.” I said crossing my arms and looking out the window.
“My plane was late; I got here as fast as I could, Faith.”
“We can’t come here every week so it annoys me that you were late, especially since this is our first appointment and it’s going to last for less than 20 minutes because of you. If this becomes a habit, I don’t-”
“It won’t become a habit. I’ll just have to plan better.”
Sean and I were both looking at each other for the first time during our appointment. Mike cocked his head before deciding to move on.
“So, your homework for the next session is to have sex.”
Sean and I both looked at Mike with wide eyes full of confusion.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“What?” Sean said at the same time.
“I think that you two need to start building up the level of intimacy you have lost not just with Sean’s infidelity but with the tour, as well. Having sex will increase the intimacy the two of you will have and that can help repair the trust that was broken.”
“I fail to see how that will help. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him right now.”
“You’ve gotta bite the bullet at some point, Faith. Here’s the problem: Until the intimacy is reinstated and the trust at least has a foundation to be rebuilt on, then you may never want to have sex with Sean again. But you aren’t going to get that intimacy back with just talking to each other considering how much Sean will be away from you and touring. You need to have sex in order to kick start your relationship back into gear. We can try getting the intimacy back with talking and bonding sessions but because of your situation with touring, I’m going to be blunt: you’re just going to end up wasting your time here. It won’t work. So you need to have sex.”
Sean and I gaped at Mike.
“That’s going to be the worst sex, ever.” Sean said.
I nodded.
“Neither one of us is going to enjoy it. I obviously don’t want to and Sean knows that, how are we supposed to have sex knowing how the other one feels about it?”
“Well, I don’t recommend that you have sex immediately,” Mike said, “You just need to before we have our next session. You’re going to have to talk to each other and bond a little in order to make the sex more bearable. I don’t expect you guys to have the same sex you had prior to Sean’s infidelity but the talking and bonding will help you avoid having hate sex, for example.”
Sean and I were speechless.
Mike herded us out of his office, I paid his secretary, and then Sean and I left the building together. We stood in front of the main entrance doors to Mike’s office building looking at each other for a few moments.
“I’ve gotta go to the airport in about an hour and a half for check-in.” Sean said, “Do you want to grab something to eat?”
“No, I ate before I came here,” I said. It was true. I’m not sure I would have gone with Sean even if it hadn't been true.
“Um. So I’m going to go, then. I’m sorry for being late. It won’t happen again.” Sean said.
“Okay.” I said turning to go.
“Faith?” I turned back around, “Can I give you a kiss good bye?”
I considered this. My first instinct was to say ‘no’ but then I thought about our therapy session and the fact that I was at least going to have to try to make this relationship work.
“Okay.” I said.
Sean leaned in and we kissed. It was kind of awkward because it was sort of a peck but then not; but then it wasn’t very passionate. It was like the first kiss you have in junior high where you bang your heads together and then get out of sync and you just stand there with your mouths pressed together really tightly while not touching each other and wondering where to put your hands. I’ve definitely had better ones. I probably would have laughed if it had been under different circumstances.

Instinct Games

I had lunch with Dina, Suzy, and Steve today at work and told them about my situation with Sean.
“I’m glad you told us, Faith,” Dina said touching my hand, “We were kind of worried. You’ve seemed so down but none of us wanted to ask.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been squashing all of the office gossip about why you were down.” Suzy said stabbing her salad with her fork.
“Um. Thanks.” I said looking down at my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Do you know what you’re going to do?” Steve asked.
“No. I’ve been trying to figure it out but I’m really torn about it. I have no idea.”
“Have you guys been talking at all?” Dina asked.
“We’ve been keeping in touch; I’ve been updating him about the fact that I haven’t made a decision yet.” I joked weakly.
“You know I was cheated on once by a guy,” Steve said dipping a pita chip into some vegan humus, “we did get back together afterward but it didn’t last.”
“Oh.”
“Not because of the cheating, Faith, I just got tired of him, honestly. I was able to get past the cheating, actually.”
“Oh.” I said a little more cheerily.
“You know, you should just make a list of pros and cons and use that to decide for you.” Dina said.
“Or flip a coin.” Suzy said.
I changed the subject and finished my lunch listening to the others talk. When the lunch hour was over I checked in with Todd and Tanya on their progress before going back to my office. I struggled to get my work done until I gave in to making a pros and cons list since it had been suggested to me twice now. I kept adding to it in between answering e-mails, phone calls, and filling out paperwork and realized it was getting late. I had some time-sensitive paperwork regarding Tanya and Todd’s payment schedule to finish (it’s not on the same schedule the other staff has because of the uniqueness of their positions and commissions for work) so I ended up staying late. When I finally finished, I stretched in my chair, grabbed my bag, and headed toward the elevator to go home.
I noticed a light on as I came closer to the elevator. Stormy was still at work. I waved at him when I reached the end of the hallway.
“You’re still here?” I asked, “I thought we just made your job easier. You should go home.”
“I took on an extra story.” He said.
“Come on, we can share the elevator.” I said nodding my head toward it.
Stormy thought about it and then shut down his computer. I made small talk while he put his stuff away.
“How’s Rose?” I asked.
“She’s fine. Her roommate is moving out so she’s looking for a new one and is stressed out about it, but it’s not a huge deal. I’m sure she’ll find someone. How’s your fiancé?” He asked.
I silently kicked myself for asking about Rose.
“Um, we’re not engaged anymore. We’re kind of on a break right now.” I mumbled.
Stormy stood up and we started walking towards the elevator. He stopped me before we got there though.
“Faith, I’m really sorry for my behavior after our meeting with Veronica. It was inappropriate and if that’s why he’s-”
“It’s not.” I said before he got farther into it.
“So you guys aren’t together anymore?”
“I’m reassessing our relationship.” I said moving towards the elevator again.
“Oh.” He said.
We both went to push the button on the elevator and our hands touched. Stormy looked at me and our eyes locked. We got closer to each other very slowly, he dropped the briefcase he was holding and held my face in both of his hands, mine were on his chest. Right before our lips touched I realized what I was doing and gently touched his hands and bowed my head.
“Stormy, I can’t. I’m sorry.”
He lowered his hands and we broke apart like opposing magnets.
“No, I’m sorry that was-”
“It’s just that things are really complicated with my boyfriend right now and you’re with Rose. I just don’t need to make things even more difficult.”
“I understand, and like you said, I’m with Rose. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
We kept talking and rambling over each other all the way down on the elevator. It wasn’t until I got out to the lobby and Stormy left in the opposite direction that I realized I’d made my choice about what to do with Sean. I chose Sean in a situation where I wasn’t obligated to. I went with my gut. I sent him a text:
“I’m in.”

Time and Space

“Am I crazy?” I asked Zoey and Molly.

We were in a bookstore café perusing our purchases from a long day of shopping. I was sharing a slice of cheesecake with them and talking about my Sean problems.

“For wanting to work through it? I don’t know. Do you think he’ll cheat on you again?” Molly asked.

“No. I don’t, but I didn’t think he’d do it the first time, so obviously my judgment on that particular issue doesn’t really matter.”

“He’s agreed to see the counselor; that counts for something, right?” Zoey said.

“Yeah, I guess so. I just have a lot to think about.”

“Not really.” Zoey shrugged.

“What?”

“Go with your gut, Faith. Do you want to be with him?” She asked looking at me.

“I don’t know. I’m torn, part of me says ‘yes’ and another says ‘no’ but I can’t tell if the ‘no’ part of me thinks that only because women aren’t ‘supposed’ to stay with men who cheat on them. I also can’t tell if the ‘yes’ part of me wants to stay with him only because we were engaged.”

“You need something to force you to decide.” Molly said.

“Like what? A near-death experience?”

“No, like an instinct game.”

“A game?” I raised my eyebrow at her.

“Here, we can do it right now. I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to into your head, okay?” Molly said excitedly.

Zoey giggled and sat back to watch.

“Okay,” Molly said, “sports.”

“Baseball.”

“Mojito.”

“Mint.”

“Grand Canyon.”

“Arizona.”

“Harry Potter.”

“Awesome.”

“Twilight.”

“Horrible.”

“Sean.”

“T-shirts.”

Zoey raised her eyebrow at me and smiled.

“Really?” Molly said, “He’s your ex-fiancé and the only thing you come up with is ‘T-shirts’? Are you kidding me?”

I shrugged, “It’s what came to mind first. He looks hot in plain T-shirts, okay? Stop judging me!” I teased.

“You could make a pros and cons list.” Zoey joked.

I nudged her as we got up to leave.

I had a nice time shopping with them. It got my mind off of things for a little bit but I still have no idea what to do about my relationship. I’m so confused. Every time I try to think through it my thoughts get so meddled with all the complexities of the situation.

Interrogation

Sean and I decided that it would be best if we went somewhere quiet but in public. I honestly wasn’t sure if I even wanted him in my apartment so we settled on a park about 20 minutes from the airport. I met him there; I didn’t offer meeting him at the airport or arranging transportation for him. When he arrived I was sitting on a bench in a blue jersey dress and heels. I had left work for the day at lunch but didn’t tell Sean so if I wanted to leave I could tell him I had to get back to work. He was wearing a white t-shirt, dark jeans, and his normal tennis shoes. I stood up when I saw him, it was kind of awkward.

“Can I hug you?” He asked.

“No.” I said. My voice wasn’t malicious but I noticed Sean was hurt by that.

I started walking towards a section of the park where free-to-the-public cement chess tables were placed with cement stools on either side. I wanted to be looking at Sean when he explained himself. When we settled and sat down, I pulled out my list of questions and got to business.

“Okay, so I’m not really interested in hearing you say how sorry you are. I know you’re sorry but I deserve an explanation and answers to my questions. First question: When did this happen?”

Sean was quiet for a second, like he was trying to work up the courage to talk about all of this. Then he cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on his knees.

“The night of our anniversary.”

“Oh.” I took that in, then: “Is it ongoing?”

“No. It happened once and I immediately regretted it.”

“But you didn’t tell me about it until a month later.”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to tell you on the phone…”

“So you were going to wait until July.”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” I said trying to keep the anger out of my voice, “After everything you said when this happened with Guy? You told me that you would never cheat on me and if you did you’d tell me right away, yet you were going to wait until JULY?”

“Would you have wanted me to tell you over the phone?”

“No, I would have preferred you never sleep with someone else. I would have preferred you answered your phone when you stormed off instead of this.”

I knew I was being rude, but I think I was justified in my anger and I don’t regret letting it out. Sean took a deep breath and didn’t say anything so I continued on.

“Who was it?”

Sean physically squirmed in front of me and refused to meet my eyes.

"Does that matter?" He asked.

I gave him the dirtiest look I've ever given anyone in my life before venomously answering back.

"Yes. Was it a groupie for the band? Was it Tracy?"

"Tracy?"

"So it was her?"

"No. Faith, Tracy is gay."

"So who was it, then? You had to know I would ask this."

Sean sighed and looked down.

“It was Karen.”

I watched a woman run by us on a park path as I took that in.

“I see.” I said regaining my composure, “Was she good?”

“What!?” Sean looked at me like I had sprouted antlers.

“Was she great? Was it the best sex of your life? Is she more flexible than me?”

Sean started sputtering. He certainly didn’t expect me to be so direct.

“Sean, I’m asking you if having sex with her was worth ruining our relationship. Stop acting like I’m asking unreasonable questions.”

He glared at me and then conceded.

“No. It wasn’t.”

“Why did you do this to me?”

“I was mad at you, Faith. I was SO SURE you were cheating on me with that guy at your office. I was upset and stressed about the tour and when I got back to the buses after seeing that I was just so angry. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me and Karen happened to be there. She reminded me of you and we had the bus to ourselves because everyone was out celebrating Tracy’s birthday. She was there and she was comforting me because she and her boyfriend had just broken up. She was saying all the right things. One thing led to another and we…” Sean’s eyes started to fill up with tears, “we had sex. When I read your e-mail explaining things I felt horrible and-”

I held my hand up to stop him from going on.

“You told me you couldn’t get it up with people you don’t love, which in hindsight just seems like a load of bullshit and I never should have accepted that as an answer, but how exactly were you able to have sex with her with that problem?”

“I didn’t lie to you about that.”

“So you’re in love with Karen?” My stomach felt like it was filled with lead.

“No! I didn’t lie to you about my problem,” he lowered his voice, “but that was a long time ago. Therapy has fixed that particular issue for me. I don’t love her.”

“You didn’t take pills?”

“No!”

“Did anyone else know about this besides you and Karen?”

“No. We were alone and everybody else came back hours after we’d…finished.” Sean was visibly uncomfortable but I really didn’t care.

"So you guys have just been working together all this time like it never happened?"

"We've been avoiding each other and keeping it as professional as before it happened."

“Okay.” I said, “What do you want to happen?”

Sean seemed surprised by this question.

“I’d like for things to go back to normal but I know that’s not a possibility.”

“So you want to continue our relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“I need to think about it, especially now that I have all of this new information to take into consideration. But if we do go that route there are few things I’m going to need.”

“Okay.”

“We’d need to see a relationship counselor once every two weeks. I’m not going to be able to move past this without a professional’s guidance and help so if you say ‘no’ to the counselor I’m not even going to try and continue our relationship.”

“How am I supposed to do that with the tour?”

“You’ll have to figure it out. That's your problem, not mine. At least, not anymore. Talk to Karen about the schedule or something.” Sean winced at the sound of her name,” Also, the engagement is off.”

“Okay. Is that everything?”

“No. I need to say this: I honestly don’t even know if I want to be with you anymore. I’m still in love with you but the truth is, Sean, I’ve been really unhappy throughout our entire relationship and I don’t know if I want to work as hard as we will need to in order to fix it, if it can even be fixed.”

“I understand that.”

“I’m going to go; I have to be back at work soon. I’ll let you know what I decide when I have some time to think about everything.”

“Okay.”

We both stood and stared at each other and then started walking back the way we came until it was time to split apart. As I went to leave, Sean lightly touched my hand to stop me.

“Faith, I really am sorry for hurting you like this. I made a huge mistake because I allowed my judgment to be clouded with anger and you deserve so much better than that. I’ve never betrayed someone like this; I’m not that guy-”

“But you are that guy, Sean, because you did cheat on me, just like Kevin did,” He opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off, “The circumstances may have been different, but it doesn’t matter. You hurt me just like he did and the pain isn’t any different, in fact, it’s worse because I trusted you so much more than I ever trusted Kevin. You threw away our relationship because of your own insecurities and because you couldn’t trust me as much as I trusted you.”

I turned on my heel and walked away. I refused to look back.

Crazy Cat Lady

I checked my e-mail and had a response from Sean:

I’ll be there on Wednesday but I’ll only be able to stay for a few hours.

-Sean

With that news I decided to get cracking on the list of questions I want answered. Not only did Dr. Sheehan say that the list will help me get the closure I need if I decide to then end the relationship, but she said it will help me keep my emotions in check, which was something I brought up to her. I feel like every time Sean and I go through a fight or an argument (which, thinking about our relationship as a whole, seems like a pretty frequent thing) I always get emotional and sometimes lose my ground because of it. Dr. Sheehan also suggested that we see a couple’s counselor if I choose to continue the relationship. I agree and I’ve asked her for a recommendation. I’ve decided that the couple’s counselor is going to be something I need Sean to agree to. I know it’ll put a large burden on him what with the tour and him being gone, but I don’t see how we can repair what’s been broken or rebuild without the help of a professional.

So right now my demands are:

· Tthat we see a counselor every two weeks (personally I would like it to be every week, but I know Sean will not be able to do that)

· Tthat he answer all of my questions and tell me everything

· Tthe engagement is completely off

So…it’s not a very long list of demands, my list of questions is a lot longer and continuing to grow with each day. If I’m being honest, I think I’m being really generous by listening to what Sean has to say for himself and I also feel really stupid for even entertaining the idea that I not dump him immediately for what he did.

I don’t need a boyfriend, guys, not when I have one man who will never leave me. Murphy has been so great to me through this. I think pets can sense when we’re sad and Murphy has always been really intuitive and protective of me (I mean, he DID attack Gerry when Gerry threatened me in my kitchen). I should just adopt 8 more cats and become a crazy cat lady who is destined to be alone.

New Hires and New Lows

I haven’t had any contact with Sean except for an e-mail I sent to him a few days after my disastrous trip explaining that I was hurt, disappointed, and needed some time to myself to think about whether or not I still wanted to be in a relationship with him. He sent a reply saying that he understood and that he was sorry for hurting me in this way. Anna and Molly have both been told by Zoey about what happened (with my permission) and I think she told them not to bring it up, except to say that they are sorry this happened and that they love and support me.

I got back to work a few days ago but none of my work friends know about what’s happened. I think they know something happened because I’m not wearing my engagement ring, but none of them have been bold enough to ask about it which I’m grateful for. I’ve been distracting myself with work because trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do is too hard. The two people I hired before my unfortunate vacation start this week.

The first person is Tanya. She is a web developer from Silicon Valley and I think she’s perfect for the job. She’s a dirty blonde and dresses in such a way that it makes her look like a lawyer. You wouldn’t think she sat in an office all day and worked on websites. She’s firm but I think she’ll fit in nicely. The second hire I made was Todd. He’s a web designer fluent in all the basic coding to build a website. He’s a recent college grad and was grateful to just get a job. He’s enthusiastic but could probably take a few tips from Tanya on how to dress. He came to work wearing a red Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and black combat boots. We don’t really have a strict dress code at the office and Todd was cheap and good at what he does so I wasn’t bothered by his odd taste in clothes.

When they arrived at the office this morning I showed them to the conference room on my end of the floor; it’s basically their work area as we don’t have the space to give them their own cubicles or offices. We sat down and I went through a list of what they’d need to get started equipment-wise and once I handed it to Steve to take care of I gave them a tour of the floor and introduced them to the staff. I think they’ll do really well here. I left them in the conference room with a guideline laying out what we wanted for the website so they could brainstorm on ideas until the equipment Steve was organizing arrived.

After I left them there I went to my office and allowed myself to become distracted with thoughts of Sean and our current situation. My sessions with Dr. Sheehan since Sean told me about his infidelity have been extremely difficult for me but what I’ve realized from them is that I won’t know if I want to be with Sean until I know everything that happened. The problem is that Sean can’t just leave the tour to work on our relationship. I sighed and sent him an e-mail.

Sean,

We need to talk about what happened. I have questions I need to have answered before I can decide what I want to do but I refuse to discuss this with you unless you’re here in person. I’m not going to do this over the phone or via e-mail; I think our relationship is worth more than that.

-Faith

Dr. Sheehan suggested I make a list of all the questions I want answers for so that when he and I do talk about this I’ll be able to get ALL of them answered. It’ll be interesting to see if Sean will be able to come back to do this or if he’s going to wait until his scheduled stop in July. I’ve already decided that if he does choose to wait until the scheduled time in July I’m going to end it. Obviously if he’s comfortable waiting that long our relationship isn’t a priority to him anymore and I’m going to let it go.

My Rock

“Faith? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be with Sean until tomorrow.” Zoey had woken me up. I’d fallen asleep on my couch when I got back from the airport at three in the morning.

She’d come to feed Murphy when she found me on the couch.

“Are you okay?” She asked taking in my puffy eyes, tangled hair, smeared make-up, and weary appearance.

I sat up with a lot of effort and looked at my hands.

“Um…” my voice wavered and then the tears started.

“What happened?” Zoey said sitting next to me and laying my head in her lap while I sobbed for what felt like hours.

“I’m going to call Anna.” She said whipping out her phone.

“NO!” I screamed and sat up. “Please, Zoey, I just…I’m so embarrassed, please. I just want you.”

I wrapped my arms around her and then laid my head back down in her lap when she nodded and put her phone down.

“Okay.” She said trying to calm me down, “Just give me a second, okay? I’ve got to make a phone call. NOT to Anna.” She said as my eyes got wide and I started to freak out again. She went into the kitchen and called in sick to work and came back with a glass of water for me. She handed it to me before sitting back down again.

“Faith, tell me what happened.”

So I did.

I told her about Sean crying and his admission. I told her how I had let go of him like his skin had burned me and sat there in stunned silence for about a minute before throwing myself out of bed and gathering my clothes while he tried to explain to me. I don’t remember much of what was said but I wouldn’t let him explain it to me. I told her about how I gathered up all of my stuff and got dressed as he watched and cried and about how I got to the door, turned back around, took my ring off, and dropped it on the dresser the television was sitting on before leaving. He was in shadow but he put his head in his hands and that’s the last image of him I had in my head of the whole thing. I told her about how I got to the lobby as a crying mess and dug through my purse to find the taxi card Tracy had given me earlier. I told her about waiting for the cab and demanding to be taken to the airport and catching the last flight out within minutes.

I told her about landing and just standing in the virtually empty concourse with my suitcase (it was too late to check it for baggage claim) and feeling empty and not wanting to call anyone to come and get me at 2:30 in the morning. A nice man from the airline asked me if he could call me a cab and I nodded. I told her about how I cried the entire time from the airport to my apartment and finally got home, collapsed on the couch, and cried until I fell asleep. And Zoey just listened to me and stroked my hair. She didn’t ask any questions or make any sounds; she just listened until I had nothing left to say. We sat there in silence while Zoey comforted me and I just cried.

“Are you hungry?” She asked me.

“I don’t really know. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or if I feel so violated that I want to vomit.”

“I could order something if you are.”

“I feel humiliated, Zoey. This WHOLE time I’ve been worried about him and allowed him to accuse me of horrible things because I felt bad that he was having such a hard time. I can’t believe he did this to me.”

“Do you know who it was?”

“I didn’t ask any questions or hear a word he said. I have no idea when it happened or with who. I don’t think I want to know. I don’t even know if it was a one night stand or if he’s still seeing her.”

“What are you going to do?” She asked.

“I don’t know. I need time to think about this.”

Zoey didn’t say anything but I had a feeling she wanted to.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. I just…nothing.” She shook her head.

“Spill it.” I said.

“Well, is there really a lot to think about? He cheated on you and for the past few months he’s been treating you horribly. As soon as Kevin had revealed himself, you ended it. Why is Sean any different?”

Zoey’s words stung and it was hard for me not to get really mad at her.

“Zoey, we were engaged. I’ve been with him for over a year. Kevin lied throughout our whole relationship about being engaged to someone else. I never trusted him and…and I still love Sean. I was planning on marrying him. I think I should at least hear him out when I’m ready to.”

“Okay,” she said sensing my anger and choosing against this battle, “So should I order a pizza?”

It was then that I realized I’d talked for so long that the sun was nearly setting. Zoey was probably starving and I figured I should probably eat something so Zoey ordered a pizza and went to go get it and pick up some ice cream and beers while I took a hot shower and pulled myself together. I hadn’t looked at my phone for nearly 24 hours and I didn’t want to so when Zoey came back with the pizza and beers I gave my phone to her and asked her to take care of it. When she came out of my bedroom she recapped it for me.

“20 missed calls, 7 voicemails, and 6 texts. I listened to the voicemails and then deleted them. I deleted the texts, too. I turned it off.”

“Thank you.” I said with exhaustion before we dug into the pizza.

I don’t know what I’d do without Zoey, sometimes.

(Author's note: I apologize for how late I'm posting this. I started a very intense summer class today and I forgot to post last night after I got all of my class supplies ready and I didn't have access to a computer until now. Again, so sorry! -del)

Departure

I woke up early the day of my flight bursting with excitement. I packed my suitcase and brought it with me to work because I was going straight to the airport afterward. I got to the airport fairly quickly, checked-in, and then waited. My flight was about 4 hours and it was okay; we only had a little bit of turbulence. When I got to the airport I saw a guy standing near the baggage claim area with my name on a piece of paper. Karen had sent a limo to pick me up and a wonderful girl named Tracy.

Tracy is a production assistant for the lighting chief on the tour. The band was in rehearsal and the light crew had wrapped for the day (there wasn’t a concert later that night, but the next night) so Karen had sent Tracy to escort me from the airport to the buses and to keep me company until Sean got back. Tracy is cool. Her arms have colorful tattoos on them but she wears nerdy glasses and has raven-black hair with a streak of red in it. I liked her almost immediately. When we got in the limo she gave me the rundown of the band’s schedule.

“So the guys probably won’t be back until ten. He has no idea you’re here. Do you want me to ask the driver to stop and get you some food; you’re going to be waiting on the bus for awhile.”

“Sure.” I said, “Anything is fine.”

The driver parked at a fast food place and we both got out.

“I’m sorry,” I said embarrassedly, “I’m sure you have more important things to do than come and get me, but I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t worry about it. I volunteered to come.”

“What? Why?” I giggled as I stood in line to order.

“Because the way Sean talks about you, I knew I just HAD to meet you and this was the only way to guarantee that I would!”

We got our food and ate it in the limo. Tracy has a great sense of humor and she told me a little but about the tour and what she does. It was clear by the way she talked about it that she really loves her job. I wish I loved my job as much as Tracy does.

“So once you surprise Sean, we’re going to send you to your hotel in the limo. Tomorrow you guys will be able to go and do whatever you want with the limo as long as Sean is back at the concert venue by 6:00 for the sound check. We’ll probably set you up in the bus and then let you watch the concert from backstage and after that you can hit the after party, meet some fans, or just go back to the hotel. The next morning the limo will drop Sean off at the buses and then take you to the airport. Does that sound like a plan?” She asked.

“It sounds awesome. I’m really excited to see Sean perform for such a big crowd. I’ve never seen him in a concert this big before and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to see him perform at all, so it’s really awesome that you guys are letting me watch backstage.”

“Oh, I forgot,” she said handing me a card, “This has a phone number for a cab company. The limo won’t be available after two and before 7:30 AM so this is the number of a cab company that runs 24 hours.”

“Thanks.”

“So…I want to see the ring!” She said.

“Oh,” I blushed and stuck my hand out for her to look.

“Sean has nice taste.” She said looking impressed, “Have you started planning at all?”

“Not really. I’ve looked at a few magazines but we haven’t set a date yet and don’t plan to for awhile.”

We talked like this for the next 30 minutes until we arrived at the bus location. I left my luggage in the limo since we would be taking it to the hotel but I grabbed my purse and Sean’s new laptop before following Tracy to Sean’s bus. I put the new laptop on his bunk and then tried to find a place to hide. Tracy suggested I just sit with the new laptop in his bunk and then we worked out a plan. Tracy would tell Sean that I mailed him his laptop and it was laying on his bunk and then I’d surprise him when he pulled back the curtains. It was a simple plan but a fun one. I had an hour to kill until Sean and the rest were expected back so Tracy and I watched television in the back of the bus.

When we heard car doors slam outside the bus, it was show time. I crawled into Sean’s bunk and laid on my side with his laptop in front of me. I heard voices getting louder and Tracy made sure the curtain was completely closed before they walked through the door. I recognized the voices after a few words. Sean was with Jake and Eddie.

“Hey, Sean, your fiancée sent your new computer to you. I put it on your bunk.” Tracy said.

“Aw, sweet. Thanks Trace.”

“Good now you don’t have to use mine.” Jake teased.

I heard Sean’s footsteps getting closer and held my breath. He pulled back the curtain and I smiled at him.

“What are you doing here?! Oh my God!” He cried. He practically jumped on top of me and started kissing me. Jake and Eddie came over to see what the commotion was.

“Faith?” Jake said.

We all had a happy reunion and I told Sean how Karen helped me arrange it all and that I had booked us a hotel. He was so excited. He started packing and was ready to go in five minutes. We said our good byes to everyone and then walked over to the limo before heading to the hotel. Things got hot and heavy almost as soon as the limo door closed. Sean was all over me and he looked so hot. His dark hair was tousled and sexy and he couldn’t stop smiling. It was almost like the incident at my job had never happened. We barely checked-in and made it to our room before Sean had my clothes off.

What followed was some really hot sex; quick and dirty, followed by some cuddling. The cuddling turned into the most connected and intimate sex I’ve ever had with another person. There was all sorts of eye contact and whispered I love yous. It was the kind of sex you only want to have with someone you love where there’s no insecurity and you don’t want to be anywhere else but with that person in that moment. When we were done, Sean started crying. I’d never had that happen before and I assumed he had been just as affected by the sex we had just had because even I got teary-eyed during it. He sat on the side of the bed and cried and I put my arms around him from behind.

“It was really special for me, too. I love you so much and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

Sean let out a sob that racked his whole body. I rubbed his shoulders and back and I kissed his shoulder before giving him another hug.

“Sean it’s okay.” I whispered into his hair.

“No, Faith, it’s not.”

My hands went limp on his back and concern came over me.

“What do you mean?” I asked pulling away from him and looking at the back of his head. He turned to look at me with immense pain on his face.

“Faith…I slept with someone else.”

Preparations

Zoey came over for dinner and a rented movie the other night. I updated her on the situation with Sean and told her that I’m planning on surprising him on the road. She told me all about her vacation, showed me pictures, and pretty much beamed the entire time while she told me about it. She’s going to watch Murphy for me while I’m out of town so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that while I’m away.

“So, Sean was able to get his therapist to do conference calls, huh?”

“Yeah. The change is like night and day. Sean does better in therapy.”

“And how are you doing in therapy?” Zoey asked.

“I’m making progress. I think my sessions with Dr. Sheehan have really helped me heal and gain perspective with the whole Kevin situation and I feel like I’m starting to really move on from it. I think therapy has helped me become a better communicator and a more understanding person.” I said thoughtfully.

“That’s great, Faith.” Zoey gave me a hug, “So Sean has no idea you’re going to visit him?”

“None whatsoever. I’m really excited. I think he’ll appreciate it to. I think it’ll show that I’m committed to make this work just as much as he is and that I’ll do what it takes to get through this tour.”

“What if there are more tours afterward?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you and Sean seem to be focusing only on this tour but you’ve said yourself that the band is gaining more recognition and the producers are putting a lot of money into the tour. This is going to be the first one but it won’t be the last if they start to take off.”

“We’re just going to focus on one thing at a time. I think if we get ahead of ourselves it’ll make things confusing.”

“Okay.” Zoey shrugged, “Do you need a ride to the airport?”

“That would be lovely.” I said grabbing a Chinese food container and settling onto the couch.

I’m SO excited for this trip to see Sean. I think he’s going to flip, he has no idea I’m coming or that I’ve made a hotel reservation for us so that he doesn’t have to spend the night on the tour bus. I really need this little vacation, too!

The Countdown Begins!

Sean is going to have conference calls with Dr. Deerhorn three times a week. He started them a few days ago and he is SO much happier. It’s honestly like night and day, guys. I think his tour mates are also a little thankful, too. I know I would be if I were in their shoes. I’ve been super busy, lately. I had to take Murphy to the vet for his annual check-up amidst one of my busiest weeks at work. I’ve finished all of my “just in case” severance packages for all our employees and our very first employee reviews were due this week. We asked all the writers to turn in evaluations of their peers and Veronica’s assistants were required to turn in their overall performance evaluations of everyone since Veronica is waaaay too busy to do them herself (she doesn’t work as closely with the staff anyway so it’s not that big of a deal).

Veronica was able to get the investors on board with the digital reboot of the paper but they are too skeptical to want it to expand to the station so the paper is going to be the guinea pig and if it does well, they’ll consider boosting the digital reboot to the station, as well. We were given extra funds to hire two web developers/designers to get it started so amongst employee evaluations, severance package overviews, and a trip to the vet, I’ve been conducting interviews. I think I’ve found the two I want to hire but I have three more people coming in soon and one of them seems very promising. Steve is the only person besides Veronica who knows that we’re doing a digital launch of the paper but he doesn’t know the reason why, which I think is a good thing considering that he has the tendency to gossip and a mass firing of everyone would definitely spread like wild fire.

Zoey and Wesley went to Hawaii for a vacation. They get back tomorrow and Zoey has been sending me pictures of all the things they’ve been doing. They went scuba diving and surfing their first day there and then lazed about the second day. The third day they went hiking up to a volcano and took some seriously stunning photos of the view from the top. I don’t know what they’ve done today but I kind of miss her. I’m glad that she’s having such a fun vacation but I really do miss her. Meanwhile, Molly has gone on several dates with Calvin and I think they’re going to be exclusive soon. They haven’t had the talk, yet, but Molly seems hopeful. She also recently went on a slew of auditions and landed a great part in a small show. I can’t wait to be there opening night with flowers. I’m so happy for her.

Anna is doing well with the twins. She occasionally sends me updates on them and how much they are growing. I sent her a birthday card for her 25^th birthday with a gift certificate in it to her favorite restaurant and a silly little coupon for a free round of babysitting from me so she can actually use said gift certificate since the restaurant is pretty nice and not baby or kid-friendly.

I’m counting down until I can surprise Sean, especially since he’s been so much happier. I’m glad I didn’t cancel my trip because after this busy, busy week, I’m going to want that mini-vacation more than anything!

Faith the Consultant

Sean and I have been doing really well. Dr. Deerhorn was open to having scheduled conference calls with Sean and Sean was able to work out a way to have privacy during those calls so everyone on the tour doesn’t get to listen in on his therapy sessions. I had my meeting with Veronica and it went in a direction I didn’t expect. Rose took me to her office when Veronica was ready and I took my seat in front of her.

“I have to say, Faith, I’m surprised at your lack of professionalism.” Her voice was grave.

“I’d like to apologize for my behavior, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. As the HR rep for our writing staff, I have a responsibility to our employees and you’d been cancelling and putting off meeting with Stormy for months. Veronica, I know you know how much stress he’s been under.”

“Yes, well, thanks to you, I have a feeling Stormy as well as the rest of us will be under much, much more stress in the coming months as you have pretty much put the nail in the coffin of the paper and the station. We’re all going to be out of a job, Faith, and you helped to make that happen.”

“What?” I asked. My mouth had gone dry and my palms were sweaty.

“The paper and the station have been bleeding money. The paper has been in the red since we started and it hasn’t gotten any better. Our investors are frustrated and unless I can fix this in the next 6 months, we’ll all be unemployed.”

“What does that have to do with Stormy?” I asked not understanding the connection to my role in this.

“Stormy was the only thing bringing in viewership and readership to the station. He has a following that covers all the important demographics for viewership and readership and was the only thing bringing in more subscribers and viewers. He was the only thing that brought some hope to this dismal situation the paper and station are in and now that he’s not going to be on the station anymore, we might as well close both factions because print is dying a very fast death.”

“Have you given surveys to the readers and viewers to see what they want?” I asked.

Veronica looked off guard at my question.

“Yes, why?”

“May I see the conclusions?”

Veronica handed me a few stacks of paper and I quickly flipped through them. Veronica wasn’t lying, the numbers of viewers/readers projected for this month were the lowest they’d been since we started and the advertisers were starting to pull out. I don’t envy Veronica’s job, that’s for sure, but I saw something hopeful that she might have overlooked.

“Our 18-30 demographic used to be really strong but they started dropping off a few months ago.”

“And?” Veronica was getting impatient.

“Why don’t we do an electronic newspaper app for phones or a website for subscribers? We wouldn’t have to pay for printing costs anymore if we went completely digital and we might be able to regain a majority of the 18-30 demographic we’ve lost if we spend the time to make the paper more digitally connected. People are addicted to their computers and smartphones and being able to have 24/7 news from our paper may be the thing to increase the numbers. You could even incorporate it into the news broadcast from the station. Stormy could be the anchor that introduces it since he has the most clout with viewers and he could even highlight stories from it during the broadcast. It would ease his workload and he might be able to do more with either the paper or the station.”

Veronica blinked at me. She was speechless. I continued on.

“We have enough budget set aside for two summer interns, but what if we used that money to hire two web designers to set this up for us instead? They could maintain it and update it and attract advertisers with a good design. If we get enough advertisers the money from that should pay for their salaries within months.”

I handed the papers back to her and waited for her response.

“I’d have to talk with the investors…” I could see the gears turning in Veronica’s head and I saw hope in her eyes after a few moments, “You know, Faith, you should really be working in a consulting firm.”

I thanked her and then she dismissed me, so I guess I’m not in too much trouble with her; I’m definitely not fired, that’s for sure. Veronica is going to see if we can work this out budget-wise and then present it to the investors. It’s a last ditch effort to save the paper and the station. Before I left, Veronica told me that this was a confidential meeting and that the employees are not to find out about the struggles behind the scenes until absolutely necessary. I’m not going to tell anyone but I am going to start trying to put together severance packages for everyone so if we all really do end up out of a job, at least I won’t have to do that amidst the panic of everyone coming to me wondering if they’re going to be taken care of. I’m going to try and get a severance package together for every single employee. Just in case it’s needed.