Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Sean and I spent the majority of the weekend sitting on opposite sides of the couch not talking to each other. It was as awkward as you’d imagine it to be. Even though we weren’t talking, I think we were both thinking about Mike’s “assignment”. It was late Sunday night when Sean felt like trying to have a conversation.

“Faith?” Sean had stopped tuning his guitar.

“Hm?” I said not looking up from my magazine.

“Do you want to look into a new counselor?”

Sean’s question took me by surprise. I looked up from my article and set my magazine in my lap. I didn’t say anything but looked at Sean in an inquisitive way.

“I was just thinking, I can tell you’re not really very comfortable with Mike’s…approach and I thought it might be worth discussing.”

“Do you want a new counselor?” I asked. I had never really considered Sean’s opinion while choosing a counselor so my ears perked up a bit.

“I don’t know.”

“I thought you would have liked Mike.” I said more to myself than to Sean.
Sean didn’t say anything but gave me an unreadable look.

“Dr. Sheehan recommended him and I think she gave me the best recommendation but if you don’t like him I can ask her if she would be willing to recommend someone else.” I said shrugging.

“But do you want someone else?” Sean asked with trepidation.

“What’s this really about, Sean?” I said closing my magazine and putting it on the coffee table.

“Are you sure he’s a relationship counselor?”

“Yes. Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“Are you sure he’s not, like, a sex therapist.”

I burst out laughing.

“What?” I said gasping for air.

“He just seems so focused on our sex life…are you sure his main focus is on relationships?”

Sean looked really serious which made me stop laughing.

“Sean, sex is a big part of a relationship. It helps build trust. You heard Mike explain that.”

“I know but…” He trailed off.

“But what?”

“Well…so are we just going to lie at our next appointment?”

“About having sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you assuming we aren’t going to have sex?” I asked cocking my head. I felt somewhat offended, although I don’t really know why.

Sean looked flustered and leaned his guitar on the side table.

“Come on, Faith.” He said exasperatedly, “We aren’t there yet. You’ll barely let me touch you and the last thing I want to do is feel like I’m forcing you to have sex. They have a name for that, you know. I’m not going to rape my girlfriend.”

“Then we’ll just lie.” I said with an air of apathy reaching for my magazine and shrugging.

“You and I both know that lying to a therapist doesn’t help. I think we should look for a new one.”

“Okay. Why don’t you ask Dr. Deerhorn for a recommendation the next time you go?”
Sean seemed irritated.

“What’s the problem?” I said with annoyance.

“Faith, you wanted us to see this guy. You don’t seem very invested right now.”

“Probably because I haven’t just assumed we’re never going to have sex again, like you obviously have.” I said flipping a magazine page nonchalantly.

Sean sighed angrily so I put my magazine back on the coffee table and turned myself toward him.

“What?” I asked even more annoyed.

“Our appointment is in less than a week. How do you expect to be where you need to be emotionally by then in order to have sex?”

“Emotionally? Oh, Sean,” I smirked angrily, “I didn’t need to have an emotional connection with you to have sex in a bar bathroom and I most certainly don’t need it now. What I DO need is chemistry and we have that so I’m not worried about doing my homework.”

Sean stared at me aghast.

“Do you want to have sex right now?” I asked him exasperatedly.

He was shocked into silence so I scooted toward him, sat on my knees, and started taking off my shirt, which snapped him out of it.

“No! Stop!” He said trying to put my shirt back on.

“Fine. I’m going to bed.” I said taking my shirt off and dropping it on his lap. As I rounded the corner to the hallway, I took my pants off and threw them around his head, followed by my bra, but he didn’t take the bait and I changed into my pajamas. About an hour later Sean crept into my bedroom and laid down next to me.

It’s weird. I’m not as confident as I came off to Sean. He is right. I’m really not ready to have sex with him and I’m not sure I ever will be if I go at my own pace. I’ve been thinking about our “homework” from Mike and I kind of get where Mike is coming from. Last night was almost freeing for me. On the one hand, I am still sexually attracted to Sean, which is nice. On the other hand, the idea of having sex with him wasn’t as upsetting as it had been when Mike had first assigned it. I think sitting with it for awhile has helped me deal with having to let Sean in because Mike is right; Sean and I need to rebuild our intimacy and we really can’t do that with him on tour and just trying to bond with talking (obviously we aren’t really doing too well with that since we spent the majority of the weekend avoiding conversation). Also, I think I just really want to have sex, so maybe I’m more receptive to Mike’s approach after thinking about it for awhile because of that, too; it’s been over a month and I’m only human, dammit, but Sean’s right. I’m not where I need to be in order to do this. The problem is I don’t know how to get there. I do think talking about it with Sean and forcing in the sexual tension helped, but it didn’t push me far enough.