Trying

Sean got home last night. He’s going to be here for a week (he leaves right after our counseling appointment). He got in at around 11 at night. I was laying in bed watching television in my pajamas with Murphy snuggled up next to me.

“Hey.” He said standing in my doorway.

“Hi.” I said not looking away from the television.

He put his stuff down in the living room and then made a sandwich in the kitchen. After awhile he finished eating it and then stood in my doorway.

“Faith, can I grab a blanket and a pillow?”

“Okay.” I said and shut the television off.

He slid open my closet and grabbed a light blanket and then took a pillow off of my bed before going back to the living room. I turned the light off in my bedroom and watched the shadows from the living room play on my wall. He’d changed into his pajamas and made a bed up on the couch before shutting the light off and shoving my bedroom into total darkness. I could hear Sean breathing and Murphy’s purring and nearly forgot about the state of our relationship for a few minutes.

“Sean?” I sighed.

“Yeah?”

“You might as well just sleep in here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really, but I guess I should make the effort.” I was surprised at how mean I had sounded.

Sean brought the pillow and blanket back into my room and laid down next to me. Both of us were on our backs, staring at the ceiling. I heard Zoey’s suggestion to tell Sean how I feel echoing in my head and decided to try it.

“I’m really angry with you.” I said after about 5 minutes of silence.

“You should be.”

“I’m being so mean to you.”

“I deserve it.”

“I don’t know how to stop.”

“That’s understandable.”

I sighed sadly and continued staring at the ceiling until a flurry of anger hit me like a train.

“Do you have any idea just how much you’ve hurt me?” I crossed my arms.
Sean didn’t answer so I continued.

“I think that I could have gotten past this much easier had you slept with Karen because you were sad or upset but you didn’t. You told me you slept with her just to hurt me. Well you did and now I don’t know what to do or how to heal from this. If we go down, Sean, it’s because of you and your actions. And so help me if you ever sleep with her or another person outside of our relationship again, I swear to-”

“I’m not going to, Faith. I wish I could communicate to you how much I regret what I did. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough to fix it. I know that. It’s okay that you hate me; I hate me, too.”

I went to say something but stopped myself and let Sean’s words sink in.

“I don’t hate you. Or…at least I don’t think I do.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“I don’t really know how I feel right now, Sean. Sometimes I love you and other times I’m so angry with you that my muscles tense up. Occasionally I feel numb to our entire relationship while, still, during other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t breathe.”

We laid there, staring at the ceiling in silence. Sean didn’t know what to say and neither did I.

After another long pause I gave in to the doubt regarding Karen my friends had put there, “You’re going to be alone with her on the road.”

“I know.”

“How can I be sure it won’t happen again if we get into a fight or have a hard time at the counselor’s?”

“It won’t happen again.”

“How can I trust you to not sleep with her or a fan or another crew member?”

“Faith, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I am NEVER going to jeopardize our relationship EVER again. It was a stupid, stupid mistake and bad judgment and I would rather die than hurt you the way I have by sleeping with her again or anyone else, for that matter.”

“It’s going to be a long road to me trusting you again.”

“I know.”

We continued staring at the ceiling in silence. After awhile he spoke.

“I’d take it back in a heartbeat.”

“I know.”

“I love you and I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d have me.”

“I know.”

“I’d love Murphy as my own.” He said. I could hear the nervous humor in his voice.

“You already do.” I laughed gently.

I moved my hand from my torso and inched it closer to Sean’s, which was laying next to him on the mattress, until our pinkies touched. He turned his over and I intertwined my fingers with his. We looked at each other for the first time since he got home. Then he lifted our hands and kissed mine before putting it back down on the mattress. I smiled sadly and fell asleep shortly after.