Up to Speed

(Author's note: You have all been SO patient with me so there will be four posts this week. One every day for the rest of the week, excluding the weekend, so check back often! Thanks for bearing with me!)

Molly and I went shopping and I told her all about Anna and the twins.

“Wow! I can’t believe stuff like that still happens!”

“I know!” I said, “I was telling my mom about it and she was surprised, too. My mom is a twin and there weren’t any reliable ultrasounds when she was born so she was a surprise just like Weatherly was.”

“They decided on Weatherly, huh?”

“Yeah. I like it. It’s unique and pretty. Jennifer is also a good name, but it’s pretty common.”

“I like it, too. Are Theo and Anna absolutely exhausted?”

“Oh, of course,” I said trying on a pair neon green heels, “but they’re managing. The gift Zoey arranged with Anna’s work friends is really what’s saving them, I think.”

“That was SUCH a good idea.”

“I know! I think it’ll definitely be something I try to give whenever someone I know is about to have a baby.”

“No more diaper cakes?” Molly joked.

“I don’t think chasing rolled up diapers down a busy street is really my thing.”

I didn’t end up getting the shoes but I did end up getting a nice pair of jeans and some new underwear sets.

“Oh, Sean is going to like that one.” Molly said pointing to a black lace bra I threw over my arm.

“Yeah….”

“How are things going with you two?” She said carefully.

“Uh…well…fine. He’s going on tour soon, though, so that’s sort of the elephant in the room we sort of avoid talking about.”

“Oh. How are you handling his impending departure?” She asked.

“Actually…” I said thinking about it, “I think I’m fine. I think Sean is the one that’s worried. He’s been really busy preparing for the tour so I don’t think he’s been able to really think about his feelings but at the same time he’s being constantly reminded of the tour and the fact that he needs to kind of sort them out before he leaves. I’m used to being away from people I love, I mean my brother has been in Afghanistan for months and my dad was deployed a lot when I was a kid, so this isn’t my first ball game. Plus, Sean will be able to visit sporadically which should help him deal with the distance, I think.”

That’s good! How is your brother doing, Faith?”

We left the store at that point and headed across the street to a sandwich place for some lunch.

“Oh, he’s doing okay. He’s a bit bored, though, as usual. I’ve been sending him regular care packages but the word on the street is that he should be heading out, soon. We’re expecting him home in mid-April sometime. My mom is pretty worried, though.”

“Why?”

“Well, with everything that’s been happening in Egypt and now Libya, we’re not sure if he’s going to be sent there on a humanitarian mission. She’s worried that he’ll come home and then have to leave within days to go somewhere else.”

“But there are minimum time requirements before deployments, aren’t there?”

“Yeah,” I said taking a bite of my sandwich, “but if he came home and then was sent somewhere like Egypt it wouldn’t be considered a deployment, it would be considered a humanitarian mission so the minimum time requirements don’t count.”

“Do you know if that’s likely?”

“I have no idea, my brother says it’s possible but I think the situation in Libya would have to get really bad before we sent in troops. My brother’s specialty is sort of important. Who knows at this point? One thing is for sure, though, this stuff in Libya is going to get worse.”

“Oh, I know, the guy in charge is totally batshit crazy.”

“Molly, you have no idea. We’re publishing a story tomorrow that talks about just how crazy he is. There’s suspected drug use, all sorts of weird statements, and don’t even get me started about his all-female guard that never leaves his side. He’s like a soap opera character.”

“Ew. That sounds so creepy.”

“I know!”

Molly and I finished lunch and continued shopping. She picked up some cute summer dresses and I found a nice pair of wedge sandals and a pleated skirt that will go with some nice work-clothes I’ve got lying around.

Twinsies!

Zoey and I decided to go buy Theo and Anna some extra diapers, a car seat, and some more baby clothes just to get them started (they’ll reimburse us for it all…can I just say: It is really expensive to have a baby) while Anna and Theo got acquainted with their new babies. They wouldn’t have been able to leave the hospital without the baby seat, so we picked up some extra stuff for them while we were buying the car seat.

When we came back, Anna’s parents left to go sleep at Anna and Theo’s house for awhile and Theo started putting the car seat together.

“How are you?” I asked Anna while setting aside some flowers and a congratulations balloon Zoey and I got her.

“I’m tired, but really, really happy.” She said.

Anna looked tired but the smile on her face was impossible to ignore. The babies were hanging out in the nursery because Anna fed them and she needed some serious rest after her super long labor (I think the total was 46 hours; the twins are 6 minutes apart).

“What did you end up naming them?” Zoey asked.

“Andrew and Jennifer.”

“We’re still debating, though. It’s not official.” Theo said coming back around the corner of Anna’s room.

“Theo doesn’t like ‘Jennifer’.” Anna said rolling her eyes.

“I want to call her Weatherly.”

“Well, both would be fine, either way. They are both pretty.” I said.

“We actually wanted to talk to both of you.” Anna said.

Theo sat next to her and took her hand.

“Okay.” Zoey said sitting in a chair next to me.

“We originally asked Faith to be the godmother of our baby but now that we have two and we’d like both of you to be the godparents to the twins.”

Zoey was visibly touched to be asked and she immediately gave them both a hug before accepting. I’m going to be Jennifer/Weatherly’s godmother and Zoey is going to be Andrew’s. Anna was starting to nod off after a few minutes so we said goodbye and headed to the nursery to see our little friends.

You guys. They are SO CUTE. I’m a godmother! I called Sean and let him know that Anna was doing well, that I got to see the twins, and that I wanted a baby, like, now.

“Uh, shouldn’t we wait until I make an honest woman out of you?” He joked.

“But I want one noooow!” I fake-whined.

“Faith. 46 hours of labor.”

“Touché.”

I decided that babies could wait.

Surprise,Surprise

I’m absolutely exhausted so this is going to be fairly short. When I got back to the hospital after a quick nap and change of clothes, Anna still hadn’t progressed very far in her labor. Zoey had gone home for a nap and a change of clothes as well and she came back about 15 minutes after me.

To be honest it was all really boring. Zoey and I waited in the lounge because there was a limit on how many people were allowed in Anna’s room and her family had flown in the minute they heard and were camped out in her room with Theo. Theo would come in occasionally to update us and drink some coffee. We ran across the street to a diner to get everyone dinner at one point. Zoey and I ate there so we could get out of the sanitizing lights of the hospital. We both had bags under our eyes.

“She has been in labor for 36 hours. You’d think SOMETHING would have happened by now.” Zoey whined.

I agreed. Having a baby is certainly boring (when you aren’t the one having the baby, I would assume). After 8 more hours Anna FINALLY started to progress with some pitocin to aid her. Theo came running into the room within 15 minutes of him telling us she was at 10 centimeters to announce the birth.

“It’s a boy!”

Zoey and I hugged Theo and gave many congratulations.

“Anna is experiencing a problem, though, her placenta won’t drop. I’ll keep you guys updated.” Theo ran out of the room before we could freak out.

“That’s not a big deal, right, Faith?” Zoey turned to me.

We were both pretty pale.

“I…I don’t know.”

Suddenly Theo came back and nearly wiped out trying to throw himself through the doorway to the lounge.

“Is she okay!?” Zoey and I asked at the same time.

Theo’s face was in shock. He was sweating and his eyes were wide.

“She...we…there was another baby in there!” He sputtered.

“WHAT?” Zoey looked dumbfounded.

“We have a girl! And a boy!”

“How does that even happen?” I asked, equally dumbfounded.

“The second baby was really high up, they mistook her for the placenta, the heart beat was never found because the…twins, “Theo sounded shocked that he could even say the word, “I guess their heartbeats were totally in sync.”

Theo looked like he was going to pass out.

“Theo?” Zoey said moving him to a couch covered in plastic, “Is this common?”

“It happens, but ultrasounds usually catch it. Oh my God we have to buy another car seat! And more diapers! And a double wide stroller! And-”

“We’ll go get you a car seat, Theo, you should probably go back in there.” I said, “But, first, how is Anna?”

“Are you kidding? She’s ECSTATIC!”

I’ll write more soon, but I’m falling asleep at my laptop and need to go to bed!

(Author's Note: Hi new readers! I hope you enjoy the blog, I welcome criticism in the comments as long as it's respectful. Thanks to the lovely people who recommended me!)

Double Whamy

I was invited to go out for drinks with a few work friends after we were all done for the day and I decided to go because I had so much fun the last time and because Dina and Suzy were going to be there and we haven’t had much time to catch up since the holidays (they’ve both been really busy with deadlines what with the revolutions going on in the Middle East and Africa [for Dina] and Charlie Sheen [for Suzy] and the hot mess he’s become). I had a few paperwork things to finish with Steve so we got there about an hour late but the party was in full swing!

Dina and Suzy were dancing with some other work friends to old 80’s music pumping out of the jukebox and waved at me as Steve and I sat down with our group. Riley, one of the politics writers was sitting next to Stormy, who I sat down next to. Steve sat across from me next to Tom. Suzy is adamant that they are dating but for a gossip writer she seems to be wrong a lot with the office gossip, so I’m taking it with a grain of salt but still suspicious. I’m positive that Steve would have told me by now if they were, after all, he helped me write the policy guidelines requiring all employees to make their relationships known.

A few people were buzzed and bordering on tipsy by the time Steve and I got there. I knew Dina definitely was because she normally doesn’t let loose like she was on the dance floor. She came over to me out of breath and tossed her arms around me.

“Faaaaaaiiiith!!!! I’ve missed yooou! I feel like we never talk anymore!”

“I miss you, too Dina, we should get lunch regularly again. Is your husband going to come pick you up?”

“Yeeess! We need shots!” She twirled around her chair and dragged Suzy off the dance floor and to the bar to go get more shots. I was laughing as I watched them. It was nice to see them having so much fun, especially with how hard they’ve been working, lately. I settled into a martini and relaxed. I’d had a long day and was enjoying listening to the various conversations between my co-workers when I noticed Stormy doing the same thing.

“How are you, Stormy?” I asked leaning forward so he could hear me over the jukebox.

“I’m doing okay. I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. Can we go outside?”

“Sure.” I said downing my martini, grabbing my purse, and standing up.

When we were outside it became pretty apparent just how loud the music was inside, my ear were ringing in the sudden quiet. It had become dark outside and I realized just how hungry I was.

“Um, this is sort of awkward…but do you want to grab a slice of pizza across the street?”

I stared at Stormy with confusion.

“I thought we talked about this, Stormy, I’m in a-”

“It’s not a date.” He said trying to reassure me, “It just might be a long conversation.”

I shrugged and followed him across the street to a pizza place. We paid for our slices and sat at a table before he started.

“I need your advice.”

“Okay…” I said taking a bite.

“I don’t want to be a news anchor anymore. I want to be a journalist full-time for the paper.”

“Oh.” I was pretty shocked.

Stormy has definitely gone through a personality change since working at the paper. He was really cocky and full of himself, not to mention a womanizer and generally a creep. But I think he’s become more professional since we’ve worked together and he’s been taking his writing more seriously as of late. At the same time, this is a problem. Veronica has mentioned in the past what an asset he is to the nightly news as an anchor and I KNOW she is going to flip when he tells her.

“Writing again has really made me realized why I got into this field and I don’t want to be a newscaster anymore. I want to write. I want to be a journalist again. I know Veronica is going to be majorly pissed so I was wondering if you had any ideas on how to approach her.”

“Well, Rose her secretary would probably be the best person to ask. I would recommend, though, that you make an appointment with Veronica because she’s so busy. She also probably won’t appreciate you just sticking your head into her office and dropping this huge bomb on her, especially since ratings have been…taxing lately.”

The nightly news Sean and Veronica were working on (and the sponsor of our paper) wasn’t doing as well in the ratings department. Veronica said that it’s because there was too much coverage over celebrities and that we should do more serious stories but her bosses aren’t buying it and are reluctant to listen to her suggestions. It’s made Veronica very stressed out and Stormy’s decision really couldn’t be coming at a worse time for her.

“But you really should contact Rose about how to talk to Veronica.” I said.

Stormy looked crestfallen. I think he’d wanted to avoid that because he and Rose had a relationship that ended very, very badly, from what I’ve heard.

“I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.” I said.

“It’s okay. At least I tried.” He shrugged.

Just then my phone buzzed. I looked down and I had a text from Theo:

Thundercats are Go! Anna is in labor, we’ll be at the hospital in 20 minutes!

I told Stormy I had to go and then hailed a cab. I was at the hospital for about 8 hours. I’ve just popped in to take a nap and change my clothes. I’ll finish telling you all what happens when Anna finally has her baby! (It’s looking like a LOOOOOOONG labor, kids!)

Belated Valentine

Sean and I couldn’t go out on Valentine’s day because he had a big meeting about the upcoming tour and then he had to work so we planned to go out some time after Valentine’s day. I spent Valentine’s Day with my favorite little man, Murphy, instead. We watched Titanic and pigged out on Chinese food. It was a good kitty-mommy bonding night. Not going out with Sean on Valentine’s was actually really nice because we didn’t have to fight to get a table at a restaurant or wait in line at the movies or anything when we finally did go out. I definitely think this is something Sean and I should do again next year instead of fighting the Valentine’s crowds.

Our hot date ended up being a dinner and a movie date. We decided on a matinee and Sean was keeping our dinner plans under wraps so I dressed up in a strapless black cocktail dress with a white bow that tied in the back around my waist. The dress had white tulle that peaked out at the hemline and I topped it off with silver dangle earrings and white and block polka-dotted peep toe pumps that had a black accent bow. I added a white ribbon in my hair and grabbed a black cardigan in case the weather got cold.

We went to see True Grit and Sean loved it! I’ve never seen a western before, but I certainly wasn’t bored watching that one. I can see why it was nominated for an Oscar. Afterward, Sean and I went to dinner on a boat! I was really surprised at how extravagant it all was. We were served a three course dinner while the boat floated down the river. It was absolutely beautiful; the city skyline sparkled off the water and provided an unbelievably romantic and peaceful ambience.

“I can’t believe you did all of this.” I said sitting at our table.

It was draped in a deep purple table cloth with silver candle holders in the middle and a low centerpiece of white and pink roses interspersed with small, yellow flowers surrounding the candle holder bases.

“I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to pay me back.” Sean winked at me and sat down.

The food was absolute heaven. We had a bread basket for our first course that had all sorts of warm, fresh baked bread in it and various types of butters. I could have eaten that bread for the rest of my life. For our entrees, we had filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes, fresh mixed vegetables, and really good wine. For dessert we had a chocolate fondue set-up with fresh strawberries, vanilla pound cake cubes, pineapple chunks, and cherries for dipping. It was, hands down, the best date I have ever been on.

Once we finished dinner, the boat was still sailing so Sean and I went out onto one of the decks and took in the scenery. I was leaning against the railing and Sean wrapped his arms around me from behind to keep me warm. We stood there in a comfortable silence listening to the water lap against the sides of the boat and smelling the clean breeze coming off the water.

“I love you so much.” He whispered. His voiced seemed almost tinged with sadness.

I turned around and looked deep into his eyes, “I love you, too. Thank you for tonight, it’s been wonderful.”

Sean kissed me with more affection than he has since before my apartment was broken into and we got pretty hot and heavy against the boat railing. It has been so long since Sean has touched me like that, with that much electricity coursing through him, with that much ferocity behind his kisses. The night I had my panic attack pales in comparison to the way he was touching me last night. It was even more needy, even more hungry than I had ever expected and I went with it. After awhile, though, things started to get really out of hand.

“Whoa, there!” I giggled, “We need to wait until we get home.”

“How much longer is this damn boat ride?” He said between laughing and kisses.

He pulled me closer to him and we started dancing. There wasn’t any music but it was still nice, especially since Sean and I don’t really go out dancing all that much.

“I’m really just hiding my boner until the boat docks.” He joked.

I laughed so hard I snorted and then Sean made fun of me for the final 20 minutes of our boat ride. We took a cab back to my place because I needed to feed Murphy and Sean could not keep his hands off of me. It was pretty shocking considering how slow we’ve been taking things. He practically chased me up the stairs to my apartment! I shooed him away once I got into my apartment because Murphy was starving and found him laying across my bed in his boxers when I walked in, in what he thought was a seductive pose. I started laughing and Sean made a mock face of offense.

“Laughing isn’t really what a guy wants to hear when a girl sees him in his underwear.” He said reaching for me and untying the bow on my dress.

I kicked my shoes off and fell on top of him after taking the bow out of my hair.

“Sean, you seem really excited but I’m kind of scared.” I said, “I don’t know if I’m ready…can we slow this down like a lot?”

Sean’s face got serious, “Of course. What do you need me to do?”

“Just tell me before you do things? Maybe ask me before you do something so I can prepare for it?”

“Okay.”

What followed was some pretty awkward sex full of questions and pauses, but it was still sex. Afterward Sean asked me how I was feeling.

“I’m not sure. I thought I’d be happy when this finally happened but that’s not how I’m feeling.”

Sean’s face fell and I was quick to correct myself.

“It’s not that I’m sad, Sean. I enjoyed it. I just don’t feel as…relieved as I thought I would. I don’t feel like I’m any better, I guess, and that makes me feel disappointed.”

“I understand.”

“Was it bad for you?” I asked suddenly self conscious.

“No. I actually learned a lot about what you like and don’t like.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was pretty sexy.”

I gave Sean a kiss and we fell asleep. In hindsight, I still don’t really know what I feel about having sex, finally. I think I might have been thinking too much about what having sex meant in terms of my therapy and progress and therefore I didn’t get into it as much. Dr. Sheehan told me a few sessions ago that sex isn’t just about the act, but the intimacy involved, which is why sexual assaults can be so traumatic. So maybe I didn’t feel the way I expected to because I wasn’t fully connecting with Sean.

Recap-Nightcap

We had our girl’s night and it was super fun! We decided to do something different, so we went bowling. Anna used a really light bowl and went slow, but she seemed to have fun. Molly is like a serious pro when it comes to bowling. She whooped all of us! At first she pretended like she wasn’t very good and the rest of us were making fun of her and then she really showed us.

After bowling we took a load off in a little diner that Anna was craving hardcore. Unfortunately, most of our girl’s night consisted of us talking about Elise and the falling out.

“I just can’t believe I didn’t say something sooner!” Anna said.

“It’s okay, none of us wanted to believe how mean she was capable of being.” Zoey tried to comfort Anna.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Molly, you’re probably sick of hearing us complain about Elise. You didn’t know her very well so I’m sure this isn’t the greatest conversation.” I said noticing Molly’s somewhat awkward expression.

“Sort of.” Molly looked pained to admit it but it’s nice she wasn’t going to try and lie about it to make the three of us feel better for completely ignoring her.

We moved on to other subjects over dinner. Molly is going on a date with a guy next weekend. She met him at an audition, he’s a theatre technician and according to her, “dreamy”. Zoey and Wesley are doing well, they’re planning a trip within the next few months as a couple and Zoey is excited about it. She’s also looking forward to Wesley’s birthday and is considering buying him some new camera equipment. Anna and Theo of course are looking forward to the birth of their baby which is coming up very fast! She talked about being nervous to go though labor but that being so pregnant is really uncomfortable. It sounds like Anna is ready to get that baby out of her more than anything. She had to get up to go pee like 100 times during our girl’s night. Poor pregnant lady!

I decided to go spend the night at Sean’s since it was close to the restaurant, he was working until late but I snuggled up in his bed and went to sleep. A few hours later when he got home he slithered under the covers next to me.

“I love coming home and finding a hot girl in my bed.”

“Mmm. Does that happen often?” I whispered without opening my eyes.

“Not as often as it should.” He pulled me to him and we snuggled until I fell back asleep.

Unfortunately, Sean and I still haven’t been able to have sex. I’ve been making a lot of progress in therapy but it’s starting to dawn on me just how big of a step having sex is in the healing process and it will take a bit of time. Sean is being understanding about the lack of sex and I think it’s actually been better for our relationship. We’ve certainly become closer over the past few weeks and he’s been communicating better with me. I think the lack of sex has forced us to really talk about our needs and find solutions to becoming more intimate without sex.

Good Golly Miss Molly!

Anna’s baby shower was today and I just got back to my apartment. Anna is absolutely ginormous and so adorable in her maternity clothes. Pregnancy looks really good on her and I’m so happy that things are so different compared to last year. Sean was going to meet me there because he was picking up some beers for Theo’s basement party so Molly and I arrived together. Zoey had been there for an hour already, helping Anna set up and greet guests. We got there sort of late because Molly dropped the diaper cake and the top tier came loose. We probably looked ridiculous running down the street trying to pick up the diapers that had burst out of the tier but we got it put back together and made it to the party about 10 minutes late.

As soon as I walked in, I froze. Elise was standing next to a few of Anna’s work friends laughing. I felt blindsided, to be honest. I know Anna tried to avoid having a falling out with Elise but it never really crossed my mind that Elise would be at her baby shower. In hindsight, I probably should have expected it and I should have prepared myself for it. Molly looked at me and the shocked expression on my face before rushing me over to the gift table to drop off our diaper cake.

“What’s going on?” She asked pretending to straighten some of the gifts.

“I didn’t expect Elise to be here.” I whispered back following her lead.

Just then Anna came out and gave both of us hugs (which was difficult considering how large her baby belly is) and invited us to grab some pizza from the kitchen. Molly and I walked into the kitchen as Anna went to join in the conversation with her work friends.

“I’m glad I’m not the only one that wasn’t expecting her to be here.” Zoey said sipping a glass of lemonade and leaning on a kitchen counter.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked pouring Molly and me some lemonade and grabbing a slice of pizza.

“Don’t worry; the shock will wear off soon.” Zoey smirked.

“I take it you guys don’t like Elise?” Molly asked.

“Well, since she arrived, she’s told Anna that pizza was a stupid thing to have at a baby shower and complained because there weren’t any cocktails. She then asked Theo for some of the beer that Sean brought over and then asked Anna why she had a cake instead of a fruit plate because the calories in cake aren’t going to help Anna lose weight. THEN she accused me of purposefully omitting her from the gift everyone at work pitched in on but I have an e-mail from her saying she would buy Anna her own gift. She bought Anna a box of condoms.”

Molly and I were silent after Zoey finished. A beat went by before the three of us burst into laughter at the absolute absurdity of Elise’s behavior.

“That’s really rude.” Molly said when we all calmed down from laughing, “Does she not realize that Anna has a baby in her? Or does she think Anna has just gotten fat?”

“I don’t even know,” Zoey said, “but Elise has always had a fixation on weight and physical appearance.” Zoey’s expression was dark and I knew she was referring to her surprise birthday party a few months ago where Elise insulted Zoey’s weight while simultaneously trying to steal Wesley.

“Is Anna okay?” I asked.

“Um, I think she’s trying to ignore Elise’s comments by convincing herself that Elise is just joking sarcastically, but it’s pretty obvious that Elise is just being rude. To be entirely honest, I’m surprised Anna hasn’t started crying yet.”

Just then, Elise walked into the kitchen.

“Careful with that pizza Faith, you don’t want to get fat.”

Elise stopped at the kitchen island and grabbed another slice when Molly caught her eye.

She stopped and smiled before saying, “I see some of us are a little too far gone for help, though.”

Zoey and I expected Molly to be hurt but she didn’t miss a beat.

“You must be Elise,” she smiled, “I’ve heard a lot about you, apparently you’re not only rude, but you’re also a raging bitch. And I have some news for you, homeskillet, a plastic surgeon can make me look thinner or prettier or whatever else you’ve decided to internally hate about yourself and lash out by critiquing other women for but a plastic surgeon will never be able to fix your absolutely disgusting personality.”

And with that Molly grabbed two more slices from the island, put them on her plate, and walked out while Zoey and I stood there to take in the shocked and horrified look on Elise’s face.

“What are you looking at?” Elise snapped at us.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” I said.

Zoey and I left the kitchen to join Anna and her work friends. We played a few games and cut the cake until Anna sent me downstairs to get Theo do they could open the gifts together.

“Hey guys.” I said coming down the stairs.

Theo had a few friends from the hospital along with Sean crowded around a big screen television. It was halftime and they were chatting about the game so far.

“Hey, I sent you a text to warn you about Elise,” Sean said coming up to me to give me a kiss and whisper in my ear, “but I wasn’t sure if you got it.”

“I didn’t, but it’s okay, you missed Molly totally ripping Elise a new one.” I whispered back.

“Is it time for presents?” Theo asked.

“Yeah, Anna sent me down here, she said it’s fine if Theo just comes upstairs since the game is on but the cake is pretty good, gentlemen, so you might want to consider coming upstairs for a piece.”

We all trooped up the stairs and Anna and Theo started opening gifts. Anna received a breast pump, so many baby clothes, the diaper cake Molly and I brought, a newborn bassinette, a baby lap pillow thing, her parents and in-laws went in on a deluxe baby stroller, and the final gift was the food package Zoey had gotten mutual work friends to go in on. Anna loved everything until Elise made Theo open her gift (the pack of condoms) and then made a suggestive joke about how she wanted to make sure Theo didn’t “knock up” any of his mistresses while Anna isn’t allowed to have sex after giving birth soon.

There was a really uncomfortable silence after that until Sean jumped in.

“Well, so we can still catch the last quarter of the game, guys!”

Theo’s work friends all quickly followed Sean downstairs to try and get off the sinking ship the party had become because of Elise but Theo stayed behind for a few minutes to thank everyone for the gifts. Zoey and I pulled Anna to the side to see how she was doing because her mood had dropped significantly.

“I just don’t understand why she’s being like this.” She said on the verge of tears.

“Probably because she can’t stand that you’re the center of attention.” I said.

“Or because she’s just a really mean person and a bad friend.” Zoey said.

It was harsh, but true. I was trying to be more sensitive but I knew Zoey wanted Anna to finally stop being in denial about Elise and her behavior. If I had been at the party as long as Zoey was and witnessed Elise’s treatment of Anna, I would have been impatient, too.

“But, she’s-” Anna’s face went from being sad, to shocked, to pissed in a matter of milliseconds before she pushed past us.

Zoey and I whipped around to see Anna angrily walking across the room to Elise who was flirtatiously hitting Theo’s chest. Molly came up behind us with a bowl of popcorn.

“This is going to be good, guys.” She said offering us the bowl. Zoey and I both took a handful and started munching on it, prepared to watch.

“That’s IT!” Anna hissed. “You need to leave.”

“Excuse me?” Elise said.

“I want to you to go; you’re ruining my baby shower.”

“Oh, please Anna.” Elise turned back to Theo, giggling.

“I’m serious. I want you to leave and I never want to hear from you again.”

“Anna, what is wrong with you? You’re acting crazy! Is it because of your hormones?”

“NO! It’s because YOU are a…you are a BAD friend and I’m sick and tired of you being mean to me all the time. At first I thought it was because you were feeling left out and not included in our group of friends, but now I realize that you’re actually just a really mean person and I want you to go. Now!”

Elise looked around at the party guests, who were all trying to hide their smiles, as if she expected someone to stand up for her but no one did. I looked over and could see Sean and Theo’s friends’ heads poking over the basement stairs with wide eyes. Elise looked at Zoey and me and narrowed her gaze when she realized we were happily eating popcorn and watching Anna yell at her.

“This is all your fault!” Elise said pointing at the two of us before storming out of Anna and Theo’s house and slamming the door so a picture frame fell off the wall.

Anna watched her go before turning around to the guests and apologizing for yelling. Then we all just moved on after that. It was really nice. Theo and the guys went downstairs (Sean flashed me a thumbs up and mouthed the word “wow” as he followed Theo down the stairs) to finish watching the game and the rest of us played some more games. Before the end of the party, Anna, Zoey, Molly, and I scheduled a last girl’s night before Anna gives birth and I think it will be really great. Elise is no longer a subject of tension between Zoey, Anna, and I and I can’t help but feel like a lot of weight has been lifted from our relationship

Reflections and Baby

“I don’t know what to do. This is my first baby shower!”

Molly had called me in a blind panic. Anna had invited her to the baby shower and Molly was touched, but then realized she had absolutely NO idea what to bring since her and Anna are still friendly acquaintances.

“I was going to buy one of those weird diaper cake things-”

“Ew. Cake should never be made out of anything but delicious cake. Now I’m going to think of baby poop receptacles the next time I eat it.”

“Pregnancy is just weird. Anna posted a video of her on Facebook the other day and you can see the baby moving from the outside of her stomach. I gagged.”

Molly laughed. We decided to go in on a diaper cake a few gender-neutral baby outfits, since Anna and Theo have chosen not to know the sex of their baby until it’s born. I’m pretty sure Zoey got a bunch of work friends together and they are going to go in on a food service thing so Anna doesn’t have to worry about cooking for the first two weeks of being a new mom. It’s a pretty cool service. They deliver bulk food items that you freeze and then just pop into the oven but it’s all homemade and healthy. Zoey showed me the brochure, it’s not a done deal but she’s pretty confident enough people will want to help Anna out, especially considering her miscarriage almost a year ago.

“We should get together with Zoey and Anna some time; have a girl’s night before Anna is busy with her new baby.”

“We should.” I said, “I’ll try to schedule something at Anna’s shower when the three of us are there. It seems like we haven’t gotten together FOREVER.”

“Well, you’ve had a lot going on. I don’t think anyone blames you. How’s everything with Sean? Zoey mentioned you were kind of having some problems.”

“Well, we got into a pretty big fight but I’ve started seeing a therapist and Sean is making an effort to be a better listener and communicator so we’re doing pretty good considering everything that’s happened over the past two months. He’s going on tour in March.”

“Oh.”

“For nine months.”

“Ouch. Are you okay?”

“Not really. I never thought about him going on tour. It’s been sort of surreal to think about. I mean when we first got together he was on tour but it wasn’t a big deal because we were just messing around and would only get together when he was in town. Now that we are in a committed relationship it’s kind of scary.”

“I bet. Are you worried about him flirting with other girls?”

“Not really. I feel really secure in my relationship in that regard. I trust Sean completely when it comes to other women. I mean, when he told me that Elise tried to have sex with him I was just pissed at her, not him. He told me immediately after it happened so I guess that counts for something.”

“Wow. I think my biggest problem is not trusting my boyfriends like that. I know I should but I can’t help being so suspicious.”

“I think it depends on the guy. Sean has never given me a reason not to trust him.”

“I just end up dating creeps.”

“I’ve had plenty of those.”

“Do you think you’ve found the person you want to be with forever?” Molly asked half-joking.

“I’m not sure. We’ve had a lot of problems but we’ve been able to work through them. Who knows at this point?”

Molly had to go to a rehearsal so we said goodbye shortly after that conversation. It got me thinking about my relationship with Sean. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone before but at the same time, he has some pretty serious issues with his anger and not wanting to talk about certain things. I’m not sure Sean is really as comfortable with me as I am with him. Maybe we’ll get to a point where we’ll want to make this more permanent but I’m not sure how soon or far away that moment may be. It’s been a long road, that’s for sure.

Man Rage

I got a phone call from my brother the other day and it wasn’t a happy one. I haven’t heard from him since Christmas because his e-mails have been limited with the whole Wikileaks thing happening so he can’t really e-mail us that much. One thing was clear though, after our conversation: my brother has some serious anger problems. He’s kind of always had anger problems since puberty but they’re escalating and only getting worse. Part of me wondered if Shannon was going to be able to help him with that, but apparently not.

I was surprised that he called me and once we got some small talk out of the way he got into the reason for the phone call.

“Shannon’s pissing me off.”

“Um…okay.”

“She keeps asking me what I’m going to do when I get back after my summer job is done and I don’t want to think about it right now.”

“Well, that’s understandable. Why is she being so insistent?”

“I don’t know but I don’t see the point in making a decision right now because she’s still waiting to hear back from a bunch of places at the end of March. But she keeps sending me applications and audition info. Not only that, but she’s irritated because she has to wait to hear back from all these people for a long time and it’s just annoying.”

I don’t think I’ve ever explained what my brother does when he isn’t in Afghanistan. My brother is an actor and a certified stunt man and Shannon is getting her master’s degree in theatre directing. They met while my brother was in his undergrad, he was cast in a show she was directing and they became friends and shortly before he left for Afghanistan they began dating. Currently, this is my brother’s second longest relationship and it will probably become his longest if they make it a few more months. The applications Shannon is applying for are for a ton of different jobs all over the place.

“So, you don’t want to apply to anything until after Shannon makes a decision on where she’s going to go?”

“Not necessarily. I just don’t want to go to Nepal.”

“I’m sorry?”

“She applied for something in Nepal and I told her I wouldn’t go to Nepal with her and now she’s pissed.”

“Why is she mad? Did she think you actually would go to Nepal?”

“I told her I would move with her and I guess she took it to mean I would move anywhere.”

“So why are you mad that she’s sending you applications and stuff?”

“Because I told her not to and now I’m interested in all of them.”

“I’m really confused. Do you want me to tell Shannon to back off or what do you want me to do? You have a summer job lined up teaching at that summer camp, so I don’t know why Shannon wants you to look for more work. Can’t you just wait until you’re not in a combat zone full time?”

“NO! The deadlines will have passed by then.”

“But you can go on auditions over the summer while teaching. I don’t know why Shannon’s being so pushy about having another job lined up after the teaching one, especially when it’s unclear if she’ll even be around. This is how theatre works, both of you know that. There’s no such thing as a full-time acting job. Why is she demanding that you have everything planned out until next year?”

“Shannon isn’t demanding anything, Faith!”

“Can you calm down please? There’s no need to yell. I don’t know what you want me to do. Do you want me to call her and ask her to back off?”

“Yeah, you know what, I would love for you to call her because Shannon thinks you and mom and dad hate her, so yeah it would be great if you would call her.”

“I don’t want to call her, Justin. I don’t think it’s necessary that I like her, either. What do you want me to do? Hop on a plane just to have coffee with her? She lives like 1,000 miles away from here.”

Then he started yelling and angrily sighing and saying things that didn’t make sense. Eventually he got to this whole moving away from our parents thing:

“Yeah well when I get back I’m going to live in my apartment for a month until my lease is up and then I’m leaving and never coming back.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to move to somewhere where they won’t visit me.”

“Well, with this attitude I don’t see why they would want to.”

“Shut up Faith, you don’t get it.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’m SO over your teenage angst of hating your family.”

He started yelling about things that didn’t make sense and reminded me of an angsty teenager. It was like a wave of incoherent angry thoughts that I just tuned out. His phone connection cut out shortly thereafter and to be honest, I have absolutely NO idea what he’s upset about. I don’t know how much of it is Shannon or just being bored overseas because all he does is work, eta, and sleep, I don’t know if something else is bothering him. All I know is that he’s a very angry person and I’m getting sick and tired of it. I really don’t deserve to be yelled at on the phone all the time for asking even the simplest of questions and neither do my parents.

I just don’t know what his deal is. Part of me wonders if this anti-family view he has is because in high school it was the “in” thing to hate your family amongst his group of friends. I’m starting to think that after awhile he just started to believe the act he was peddling even though it was based on nothing.

Getting Closer

Things with Sean have been going really well and I’ve been to see Dr. Sheehan several times since our first meeting. Right now, I got to see her two times a week and I’m not sure I’ll really post what we talk about. I mean, most of you who read this blog have already seen everything unfold over the past year and a half, anyway, so it will just be a lot of redundancy. Also, I don’t know that I want to talk about what we discuss in my sessions in general. It’s hard enough to talk about everything and I don’t really have the energy to re-hash it all over again since I usually feel really vulnerable and a little unstable emotionally after our sessions because it’s a lot harder to deal with everything than I thought it would be. At our last session I spent almost the entire time sobbing and trying to recompose myself. Dr. Sheehan said it was a good thing but it didn’t feel very good.

She did suggest something in one of our earlier sessions that I just started doing, though. We got on the topic of Kevin and how he’s been able to control my life even when he’s not in it. He’s the cause of a lot of my relationship issues with Sean, he’s the reason I am the way I am now, he’s the reason I have a hard time trusting Sean, he’s the reason I’m so damn mad. Dr. Sheehan suggested that I frame the contract he signed because it’s a symbol for me breaking the control he had over me for so long. At first, I thought it would just remind me of everything but I hung it in my hallway a few days ago and I think it’s helping.

Sean saw it hanging up yesterday and I knew he wanted to say something about it but was internally debating over whether he should.

“I know it’s bothering you.” I said in a sing-song type voice while we were making lasagna in the kitchen.

“Yeah, it is.” He said shaking his head and smiling a little.

“It was a suggestion by Dr. Sheehan. It’s been helping a little bit.”

“What’s it supposed to do?”

“Remind me that Kevin no longer has control over my life. And never will again.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that.” He said laying down another layer of lasagna sheets.

“I was skeptical at first but it seems to be a good coping tool.”

“Well, that’s all that matters to me, then.” Sean kissed my hair before putting the lasagna in the oven.

We waited for the lasagna to cook after we prepped the garlic bread and sat in my living room. I was sitting on Sean’s lap. Sean is doing really well with being more affectionate since our conversation and I’m really happy about it. Although I’ve noticed that he does get nervous and is reluctant to do more than make out for a few minutes, which I’m okay with for now. I’ve realized in my sessions with Dr. Sheehan that I’m not ready to have sex yet and that I kept seeing having sex as a signal for being completely healed which is why I’ve been trying to rush it. Having sex isn’t the end goal and sign of being completely healed; it’s just a step (albeit a big one) of the healing process. Look at me, being so healthfully aware of my needs and progress! Therapy must be working.

“Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”

“It does.” He said, “But if it’s something that helps you, maybe it can help me come to terms, too.”

“We’ve been invited to Anna’s baby shower.” I said after a comfortable silence.

“Isn’t that usually a girl's-only thing?” Sean asked with a confused look.

“I thought so, too, but Anna said she doesn’t want Theo to be bored and thought she’d invite you and some of his other friends to keep him company in the basement. They have a big screen TV down there, so it won’t be too bad.”

“Alright.” Sean said shrugging, “What does one usually bring to a baby shower?”

“I’ll get the gift, you can probably just bring a six pack and head down stairs while we try to guess how many toilet paper squares will fit around Anna’s belly.”

“Is that a real game?”

“Yeah, the trick is to guess a smaller number. People tend to overshoot it.”

We decided to go for a walk after dinner around the neighborhood. It was snowing lightly so we stopped and got hot chocolates from a coffee shop to keep us warm as we walked. I really enjoyed it. It felt like we were on a date and spending some great quality time with each other. It’s been ages since I felt as happy as I did last night and I’m hoping things keep getting better and Sean keeps being open with me.

L-O-V-E

I got to the bar Sean’s band was playing at about 5 minutes before they ended up being done and taking down their instruments. Karen was there and it was the first time I’d ever seen her. You guys…she looks almost exactly like me. Her hair is a little shorter (and platinum blonde) and her nose is kind of different but we could easily be mistaken as twins if our hair colors weren’t practically the opposite of each other (I’m a brunette with natural mahogany highlights thank you very much). She came over to me while I stood next to the bar and watched the band wrap up their set.

“Faith? Hi, I’m Karen. I just wanted to thank you for the lovely gift you sent me over the holidays.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome.” I said shaking her hand, “It’s so nice to meet you, Sean’s mentioned you a lot.”

“Did he tell you about the tour?”

I looked at Karen, startled.

“No. He didn’t.”

“Oh.” Realization came over Karen’s face and she made an excuse to go help Jake put his keyboard in its case before walking away from me. Sean walked over with his guitar case.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“Neither did I, really. I just think we need to talk and the sooner the better.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I think here is fine.” I motioned towards a booth towards the back of the bar.

We sat down and both got glasses of water from the bar before I felt like starting.

“Look, Faith I’m sorry. I-”

“Sean, I need to talk and I need you to listen to me, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean really listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“I can’t be with you if this is how things are going to be. You always say that I think about others too much, well, now I need to think about myself and I can’t be with you if you’re going to punish me for what happened. I won’t be able to get better or come to terms with what happened while you treat me this way and if you can’t come to terms with the damage that Kevin, “Sean flinched at his name, “ has done, then I’m going to need to take a break from being with you because I already feel bad enough and I don’t need you to make me feel worse while I’m trying to deal with this. I have been nothing but supportive of you in this relationship and I’m asking you to do the same for me. If you can’t do that, then we need to end this because I’m exhausted. We do nothing but fight and I really don’t need more negativity in my life, especially from someone I love. I can’t keep fighting with you and feeling guilty about it. I won’t do it anymore. You don’t get to shut down or walk away from me when problems come up because both of us are in this relationship and I feel like I’m the only one who actually works or compromises for it.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been going through some pretty difficult stuff in therapy and I haven’t been doing a very good job of dealing with it.”

“Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“No.”

“Is it partly why you’ve been so damn angry for the past few weeks?”

Sean nodded.

“I think you should probably tell Dr. Deerhorn that you need some anger management help.”

He nodded again.

“So can you please stop resenting me for everything?”

“Yes.” Sean held my hands across the table, “Faith, I really am sorry. I should have kept my promise to talk with you more about things that are bothering me and I didn’t. I need to do a better job of listening to you and what your needs are. If you’re ready to try being intimate again I really need to stop thinking about myself in that regard. You’re the one who went through it, not me and I should trust you more, that’s really what it comes down to. Not everything is about me and what I want, we’re in this together.”

“So, when were you going to tell me about the tour?”

“I’m not sure.”

“When is it?”

“We’re leaving in March and we’ll be on the road for about 9 months. I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”

“How long have you known?”

“Only for about a week. We hired Karen at the beginning of January and she got the record label to agree to it, she thinks it’s better for our careers if we tour. We’re getting so much notoriety now, she doesn’t want us to be a local band anymore, and neither does the label. They’re still booking venues and working on the set and lights, I figured I had more time to let you know.”

“Oh.” I was overwhelmed with this information.

“I’ll be able to come back every month or so for a few days. I’m planning on subletting my apartment so I don’t have to lose it…we’ll be okay.” Sean said that last part more for himself than to reassure me, I think.

“So we have about two months to get to a good place before you have to leave?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, we better get started, let’s go to my place.”

I got up and grabbed Sean’s hand to pull him outside. We waved at Karen as we left and on the way home, Sean held my hand. I know it probably seems like a juvenile gesture, but I really appreciated it. When we got to my apartment I fed Murphy and my boyfriend, because apparently he was going to die if he didn’t get to eat all of my chocolate chip cookies. We caught a late-night movie to watch on cable and snuggled under a blanket on the couch. I was leaning up against him on the verge of sleep when he unknowingly snapped me out of it.

“I love you.” He kissed me on the forehead.

“You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that.” I said snuggling into his side even more.

(Author’s Note: this is the blog’s 150^th Faith-related post!)

Rockz

As soon as I got back to my apartment I had three missed calls from Sean and one voicemail:

“Look, I’m sorry. I was just mad. Call me back; I’m sorry about how I reacted.”

I was still wiping tears from my eyes and might have yelled back at my phone after listening to his voicemail when I realized I had a call waiting.

“Hello?”

“Hey Faith!”

“Hi Anna.” I said trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

“My baby shower is coming up and I wanted to know if I should send you and Sean separate invitations.”

“Oh, uh, aren’t baby showers generally ‘no boys allowed’ type of events?”

“Yeah, but I figured if I invited some guys, Theo won’t feel so left out or bored. He’ll at least be able to watch football with Sean in the basement or something.”

“I think if you just send me the invitation for both of us, it’ll be fine.” I said trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible without Anna thinking something was wrong.

“Okay…well I’ll call you later.” Anna’s voice sounded like she knew something was up but, thankfully, she didn’t press it and let me go.

I collapsed onto my bed and continued to cry until Murphy reminded me that he was hungry and needed food immediately. I dragged myself to the kitchen and fed him before realizing I was starving. Rather than cook myself something I wanted greasy comfort food. I kept looking at my phone and decided to call Zoey.

“What’re you up to?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just got back from seeing a movie with Wesley.”

“Oh.”

“Why? What’s up.”

“Are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“I need to talk to someone. And shove comfort food into my mouth.”

“Okay, well, there’s this diner near my apartment.”

“Perfect.”

“I’ll come pick you up. You want to have a sleep over?”

“Yes.”

I packed an overnight bag, said goodbye to Murphy, and piled into Zoey’s car. We arrived at the diner in about 15 minutes and I ordered a pot roast platter with mashed potatoes, gravy, and dinner rolls, a side of French fries, a grilled cheese, and a piece of chocolate pie for dessert. Zoey ordered a French dip and a piece of red velvet cake. She tried to hide her shock at how much food I ordered but was still caught off guard.

“What happened?” She asked once our waitress left.

“I don’t even know anymore. Sean and I do nothing but fight and I don’t know how we got here. I feel like we do nothing but try at this relationship. Maybe we’re just not compatible?”

“What do you mean, you guys were doing really well before.”

“He’s having a hard time dealing with what happened to me that night with Kevin. I think he’s blaming me for it, Zoey. I really opened up to him tonight and he blew me off. We promised to be more communicative but he’s still SO pissed at me for the Gerry and Kevin stuff. I don’t know what to do. I really screwed things up.”

“What do you mean he blew you off?”

“I told him that I wanted to-”

Just then our food came and I waited for the waitress to leave.

“I told him that I wanted to have sex with him and he refused. He told me he didn’t want me to have another panic attack and I-”

“Wait, what?” Zoey said nearly dropping her sandwich.

I realized I hadn’t really told Zoey anything about what happened with Kevin that night or with the lawyers not to mention the whole conversation with Sean that eventually lead to us trying to have sex and my panic attack. I updated her on all of it and by the end I was crying like a baby without regard to anyone else. I’m pretty sure I saw our waitress start waking over to our table, look at me, and then decide to leave about three different times. It was the first time I actually told anyone but the police what Kevin had done to me that night.

“Oh, Faith…”

“B-but I told him that I f-felt like he was punishing me for what Kevin d-did and he just asked if we could w-w-watch the movie, that’s when I left.”

I started shoving inordinate amounts of food into my mouth while Zoey waved the waitress over.

“We’re going to need a platter of cheese fries and two strawberry milkshakes.”

The waitress looked at me before nodding and headed towards the kitchen. I looked at Zoey with thankful eyes and we ate in a comfortable, knowing silence until the waitress came back with our extra food. She cleared away the plates I had basically licked clean and refilled our drinks before we resumed our conversation.

“I just don’t know what to do Zoey. I don’t think Sean loves me anymore and I’m starting to wonder if I love him. I’m so sick of feeling like the bad guy in this relationship!”

“Do you want to be with him, Faith, is this relationship worth how you’re feeling.”

“You know, my dad basically asked me as much.”

“Well? Is it?”

“I honestly don’t know. I’m so frustrated and confused. I feel like if we could just get past all of this we would be great together, but I don’t know if Sean can get past what Kevin did to me.”

“Have you considered couples counseling?” Zoey asked as she dipped her sandwich.

“No. I thought seeing Dr. Sheehan would have been enough, but it’s obviously not.”

“Well, you’ve only had your one session with her, maybe if Sean sees your commitment to healing he’ll also be more open to healing.”

I let that sit for awhile and continued to shove food into my mouth like a starving animal.

“You don’t like him very much, do you, Zoey?” I asked taking a giant bite of dinner roll.

“It’s not that I don’t like him, I don’t like what he’s doing to you. He’s letting the insecurity he feels about your relationship to make you feel bad about everything. I don’t like that he’s doing that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious that Sean is an insecure guy and I think he’s probably wondering if maybe you enjoyed what happened with Kevin. Sean is easily threatened and he overreacts when he’s insecure, I think his current behavior is caused by his insecurity and since he can’t punish Kevin like he wanted to, he’s punishing you for not punishing Kevin the way Sean wanted you to.”

“You should be a psychologist.” I said starting on my pie and milkshake.

“I do what I can. I’d never charge you, if I was, just so you know.”

I giggled at Zoey’s joke.

“Are you going to call him?”

“Not tonight. I think I’ll just go over there and skip the phone call. I’m not really looking forward to it, though. We fight so much that this is a regular occurrence so I know how uncomfortable it’s going to be but I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. He’s the one that needs to apologize. Having sex is going to be part of your healing process, Faith, and if Sean isn’t willing to support you or your needs while you move from being a victim to a survivor then I think you might need to think about going on a break. I mean, you’ve supported him throughout your relationship constantly, the least he could do is support you when you need him the most.”

“You’re right. You’re always right. Zoey: my rock.”

We finished dinner and then went to Zoey’s place where we watched horrible reality television and eventually went to bed at an obscene hour. She dropped me off at work this morning and I feel like I’m a little clearer about how I feel about Sean and our relationship and I’m planning on going to talk to Sean tonight after he gets done with work.

Desensitized

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the situation with Sean, especially now that I’m back and I still feel SO conflicted. We’ve seen each other since I got back and things are as normal as they can be considering that we’re trying to re-start our whole relationship and can’t have sex without me freaking out. We were in his kitchen making some popcorn for a movie earlier today and it’s pretty obvious we have some tension happening because of all of this.

“What did you think of your first session?”

“It really wasn’t how I expected it to be.”

“Did you lay down?” Sean asked, jokingly.

“No, do you ever lay down during your sessions?”

“No, I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep.”

“I don’t think I could fall asleep, I felt so nervous the whole time.”

“I think that will eventually pass. It did for me.”

Sean was pouring the popcorn in a bowl on the counter and I had an overwhelming urge to hug him. I hugged him from behind and laid my head against the spot between his shoulders. I don’t really know why I did this.

“You know I love you right?”

“Yeah, of course I do.” He turned around and put one arm around me while holding the bowl with his other hand, “Why?”

“I want to have sex, Sean.”

He eyed the bowl and broke away from me with a joking look on his face.

“Now? The popcorn will get cold.”

“You know what I mean. You haven’t touched me in weeks. I want to feel wanted. I want you to put your hands on me.”

He walked into the living room and I followed.

“What if you have another panic attack?” He asked falling onto the couch and putting his feet up on the coffee table.

“I might not have one.”

“And if you do?”

“Then I guess I have another one!” I said irritated.

Sean started the movie and sat back in an attempt to end our conversation but I was having none of that. I grabbed the remote and paused the movie before turning to him.

“We need to talk about this. We promised to communicate with each other better, so talk to me, please.”

“Fine. I don’t want to be responsible for you having another panic attack. While you were having trouble breathing the last time, I was contemplating calling an ambulance. Did you think about how bad I felt for causing that to happen simply by touching you?”

“Sean, that wasn’t because of you, it was because of what Kev-”

“DON’T say his name. Please.” Sean crossed his arms and looked away.

“We’re going to have to have sex again at some point. Why can’t we at least try it now?”

“You want to have sex? Fine. Let’s go.”

Sean started unzipping his jeans and kicking his shoes off while I stared at him completely pissed off.

“Why is it so much to ask that my boyfriend actually wants to have sex with me? This isn’t the first time you’ve tried to stop us from having sex. Are you even remotely attracted to me?”

“Not right now.” Sean said staring at the ceiling.

“Awesome.”

We sat there in silence while Sean acted like an angsty teenager and I fumed on the other end of the couch. We were both quiet for a long time.

“I feel like you’re blaming me for what happened and I don’t think it’s fair. I was fighting him, I was trying hard to make him stop, he had me up against a wall, there was nothing I could do. What do you want from me, Sean? I’m sorry I ever dated him, I’m sorry he did this, but please--please stop punishing me for what he did.”

“So can I press play now?”

Tears sprang to my eyes, Sean hadn’t even looked at me.

“Oh my God, Sean. That was the first time I talked to anyone about what happened and how I feel and you choose to ignore all of it? I’m leaving. Watch your movie by yourself, maybe it will help you feel just as lonely as I do right now.”

I got up and left. While I walked out the door I heard Sean start the movie; I was sobbing before it even closed behind me.

Shrunk

I got to Dr. Deerhorn’s office and signed in but the secretary she had some bad news.

“Dr. Deerhorn’s daughter went into labor today so he isn’t seeing patients. However, Dr. Sheehan has offered to see his patients today. He left me a note for you to let you know that he actually recommends you see Dr. Sheehan instead of him, but if you’re not comfortable with that, I can reschedule you.”

I decided to meet with Dr. Sheehan since Dr. Deerhorn recommended him so I filled out my preliminary paperwork, turned it in, and waited. The secretary took me back to an office filled with earth tones and a soothing light. It smelled like roses and the chairs were made of soft leather.

“Dr. Sheehan will be here in a moment, please make yourself comfortable.”

The secretary closed the door and I stood in the office awkwardly. There was a chaise lounge among various chairs and I wondered if I was going to be expected to lay down during my session. I decided to sit in a chair instead because laying down just seemed strange. I wonder if Sean lays down during his sessions. Dr. Sheehan came into the room after a few moments and I was surprised because Dr. Sheehan is a woman!

“Faith, welcome. My name is Leslie Sheehan, you can call me by my first name or whatever makes you more comfortable.” She shook my hand as I took in her appearance. She’s a thin, blonde woman and was dressed in black slacks and a plum sweater. She didn’t look like a stereotypical therapist and I was kind of relieved by that.

“Thank you.”

“Dr. Deerhorn updated me on your case. This is your first visit, right?”

“Yes. Is there a reason he recommended you for me?” I asked out of curiosity.

“Well, it says in your paperwork that you’re here because you had a panic attack.”

“Oh, so you focus on anxiety issues?”

“No, Faith, I specialize in sexual assault and post-traumatic stress disorder.” She cocked her head to the side and studied my reaction.

“O-oh.” I said, shocked, “I wasn’t raped.”

“Mmm.”

She looked down at my file to see if she had misread Dr. Deerhorn’s notes.

“Would like to see your file?” She asked.

I nodded and she handed it to me. Dr. Deerhorn’s hand writing looks like a toddler’s but I was able to make out “induced panic attack” and “sexually assaulted; triggered”.

“What does triggered mean?” I asked looking up from my file.

“A trigger is something that can cause a symptom of PTSD or an overwhelming emotional response. It can be anything. A smell, a touch, a song.”

“Oh.” I handed the file back to her.

“Do you want to talk about the panic attack you had?”

“I’m not sure if there’s much to say.”

“Well, what did it feel like?”

“Hell.” I wiped my hands on my knees because I was suddenly nervous, “I couldn’t breathe, my boyfriend said I kept apologizing, and I was shaking.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

“You mean what triggered it?” I asked. In hindsight I don’t know why I became so cheeky, I think it was a defense mechanism.

She smiled and might even have laughed too quietly for me to hear, “Sure.”

“My boyfriend…um…we were,” I started turning red and couldn’t finish the sentence. I looked down at my hands which were playing with my shirt at that point.

“I know it seems embarrassing, Faith, but you should know that I won’t judge you here.”

“He tried to take my jeans off and I freaked out.”

“According to your file you weren’t raped.”

“No, I wasn’t. My boyfriend beat the shit out of the guy before he had the chance.”

“Good.” I looked up from my hands, surprised. Dr. Sheehan had a content look on her face and raised her eyebrows at my surprise.

I realized that she specializes in treating sexual assault victims and has probably heard a lot worse than what happened to me. It made me like her more; it can’t be easy to hear women describe their rapes day in and day out.

“It was an ex-boyfriend.” I said, “He was drunk.”

“Which time?”

Our eyes met and I realized she knew more about my assault than I realized. I only glanced at my chart but it was all in there.

“Both?”

“You seemed pretty okay after the first time, right?”

“I didn’t have a panic attack, if that’s what you’re asking.” I got really defensive and sounded like an angry teenager. I’m embarrassed by my behavior in hindsight. I crossed my arms and sat back in the chair.

“What are your goals for therapy, Faith?” Dr. Sheehan showed no signs of annoyance at my behavior.

The question caught me off guard, “What?”

“What do you want to get out of this?”

“I want to communicate my needs better and I want to be able to have sex again without throwing up in a paper bag or sobbing hysterically.”

“And?” I looked at Dr. Sheehan with a confused set of eyes. She set aside my file on an end table and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

“How do you feel about what happened to you?”

“Pissed. I’m angry because I finally got Kevin to leave me alone but he’s still controlling my life and causing problems with Sean. I wanted freedom and he took that away from me, so I’m pissed.”

“If you want to do therapy, I can help you feel like you have control over your life again along with the goals you outlined. The thing is your goals aren’t going to come until I help you get your control back.”

“Okay.”

We talked about some more logistical things, like how often I’ll see her and how long we think I’ll be in therapy, if I want to try medication (I don’t) and other boring things. I like Dr. Sheehan and I made a personal note to myself to not be so full of ‘tude the next time I visit her.

Confuzzled

Well, I’m back! The flight back was kind of hard, if I’m being honest. This trip home reminded me of just how much I miss my family and the security they provide me. I really should make a better effort to see them more often. Christmas was really fun. My brother was able to call us and it just happened to be while we were eating Christmas dinner. My dad put the phones on speaker and it was almost like we were having a normal family dinner with the four of us. My brother is doing well, he’s just bored. It sounds really monotonous but I think the Christmas gifts we sent him will help with that. We sent him a few books and a video game for his DS and of course MOUNTAINS of food. Apparently Shannon (yeah, they’re still together) got him a Kindle to read and sent it to him fully loaded with books and plays for him. You all know how I feel about my brother dating her, it seems everything she does annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll just leave it at that.

My parents loved the gifts Sean and I bought them and Sean sent me a text message thanking me for his gifts and to wish me a Merry Christmas. All of his bandmates also sent me thank you texts, except for Gerry. I was surprised that Karen did, considering I’ve never met her, but it was nice all the same. Sean got me a really nice label maker and a purse I’ve had my eye on for awhile. My parents bought me a Kindle and it is AMAZING. I love it. I love it. I love it.

New Year’s passed fairly smoothly. I didn’t have any plans and it was actually really nice. My mom bought me one of those cheesy New Year’s hats and noisemakers which she used to do when I was in high school. My best friend and I would rent a television series and watch it on New Year’s complete with a party tray and the fancy Welch’s grape juice in the bottles. My mom would even let us drink it out of champagne flutes. We did that until we had a falling out our freshman year of college. But then I met Zoey and we made our own traditions that weren’t nearly as PG. Sean sent me a picture to my phone of him kissing Murphy at midnight since he couldn’t kiss me which made me giggle (Sean graciously offered to take care of Murphy while I was away).

I wish I could say I was a little clearer about how I feel about our relationship but the truth is I’m more confused than ever. We both do things, like what he did with the picture and Murphy for New Year’s that make me think we’re cute and couple-y but then when I think about it even more I wonder if we just do them to go through the motions. I don’t know if there’s any substance to them than just being expected and that bothers me. I know sitting here and moaning about this isn’t going to fix the problem but I’m not sure I’m ready to bring it up to Sean yet. I need to understand how I feel before I even make an attempt to tell him. Maybe Dr. Deerhorn will be able to help me. I’m going to see him tomorrow.