You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the situation with Sean, especially now that I’m back and I still feel SO conflicted. We’ve seen each other since I got back and things are as normal as they can be considering that we’re trying to re-start our whole relationship and can’t have sex without me freaking out. We were in his kitchen making some popcorn for a movie earlier today and it’s pretty obvious we have some tension happening because of all of this.
“What did you think of your first session?”
“It really wasn’t how I expected it to be.”
“Did you lay down?” Sean asked, jokingly.
“No, do you ever lay down during your sessions?”
“No, I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep.”
“I don’t think I could fall asleep, I felt so nervous the whole time.”
“I think that will eventually pass. It did for me.”
Sean was pouring the popcorn in a bowl on the counter and I had an overwhelming urge to hug him. I hugged him from behind and laid my head against the spot between his shoulders. I don’t really know why I did this.
“You know I love you right?”
“Yeah, of course I do.” He turned around and put one arm around me while holding the bowl with his other hand, “Why?”
“I want to have sex, Sean.”
He eyed the bowl and broke away from me with a joking look on his face.
“Now? The popcorn will get cold.”
“You know what I mean. You haven’t touched me in weeks. I want to feel wanted. I want you to put your hands on me.”
He walked into the living room and I followed.
“What if you have another panic attack?” He asked falling onto the couch and putting his feet up on the coffee table.
“I might not have one.”
“And if you do?”
“Then I guess I have another one!” I said irritated.
Sean started the movie and sat back in an attempt to end our conversation but I was having none of that. I grabbed the remote and paused the movie before turning to him.
“We need to talk about this. We promised to communicate with each other better, so talk to me, please.”
“Fine. I don’t want to be responsible for you having another panic attack. While you were having trouble breathing the last time, I was contemplating calling an ambulance. Did you think about how bad I felt for causing that to happen simply by touching you?”
“Sean, that wasn’t because of you, it was because of what Kev-”
“DON’T say his name. Please.” Sean crossed his arms and looked away.
“We’re going to have to have sex again at some point. Why can’t we at least try it now?”
“You want to have sex? Fine. Let’s go.”
Sean started unzipping his jeans and kicking his shoes off while I stared at him completely pissed off.
“Why is it so much to ask that my boyfriend actually wants to have sex with me? This isn’t the first time you’ve tried to stop us from having sex. Are you even remotely attracted to me?”
“Not right now.” Sean said staring at the ceiling.
“Awesome.”
We sat there in silence while Sean acted like an angsty teenager and I fumed on the other end of the couch. We were both quiet for a long time.
“I feel like you’re blaming me for what happened and I don’t think it’s fair. I was fighting him, I was trying hard to make him stop, he had me up against a wall, there was nothing I could do. What do you want from me, Sean? I’m sorry I ever dated him, I’m sorry he did this, but please--please stop punishing me for what he did.”
“So can I press play now?”
Tears sprang to my eyes, Sean hadn’t even looked at me.
“Oh my God, Sean. That was the first time I talked to anyone about what happened and how I feel and you choose to ignore all of it? I’m leaving. Watch your movie by yourself, maybe it will help you feel just as lonely as I do right now.”
I got up and left. While I walked out the door I heard Sean start the movie; I was sobbing before it even closed behind me.
i have actually felt like this before, i think they should break up, relationships take work but they shouldn't be a fight every step of the way to make it work
ReplyDeleteI hope we get to find out about Sean's past or what he discusses in therapy. Maybe things will make more sense then. I'm not over Sean and Faith but I'm itching to know what's going with Sean.
ReplyDeleteI think Faith's panic attack freaked Sean out a bit, and that is understandable. He could blame himself for triggering it in the first place. Faith has had one appointment so I doubt she is emotionally ready for sex at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI think they both have stuff to work out. Sean has a lot of guilt and anger over Faith's attack. And Faith has her own deamons to slay. Time for Sean to quit holding on to his anger and focus on Faith because she stood by him through his issue, that's what a relationship is.
I can understand Sean not wanting to try sex just yet. But i cannot understand why he wasn't more understanding with Faith. This was his chance to open up and talk with her. Instead he acting like a mad 2 year old. I am over him.
ReplyDeleteBecause Faith is rude and disrespectful. She's also ridiculously immature
DeleteThat was weird. Sean goes back and forth from being sweet, understanding and patient, to THIS. He was nasty here, even given his reluctance to have Faith experience another panic attack. To be fair though, he DID tell her that, and she got irritated with him as well. I would have thought he'd thaw out during their time-out on the couch, though. Him letting her leave in tears was pretty cold. He's kind of like that it seems: all or nothing. Either Sean's warm, loving and almost the ideal boyfriend, OR he's completely cold and cut-off from Faith. Pretty extreme.
ReplyDeleteThese ongoing scenes make you wonder how long they'll keep limping along like this.
Whew..so I had to just catch up on these last 4 posts after vacation! I understand Faith's questioning if this is something she should continue to try and make work. Its true, relationships do take work, but this one has got more bad then good in it at this point...Faith needs to keep on seeing the doctor and maybe her and Sean need to be done...its draining everything out of her...
ReplyDeleteI agree Nova, and good point witchy, Sean is one end or the other, never a happy medium. I repeat I think they should call it quits. Sean not only let Faith run out in tears, but he let her think that he thinks the almost rape was her fault. I really hope that he doesn't think that...
ReplyDeletei've been here. i was blamed for years, and it wasn't my fault.. she stood by him through his issues, he could do the same. this, really struck a chord with me..maybe because it hit so close to home..
ReplyDeletehe needs to go! He can't be all lovey-dovey when he is having a good day, and so mean-spirited when he is mad...
ReplyDeletesorry i know it has already been written but felt like sharing!
First time reader here. LOVE this blog so far!
ReplyDeleteWhy is Faith still with Sean? He's such an asshole and treats her poorly. If a guy treated me the way Sean treats her, I would break up with him immediately. Faith needs to get away from this relationship. It's very very very toxic.