Welcome to the Party

So I had sex with someone in a cab last night and then again at his apartment. Does that make me a big ol’ slut now?

Molly had free tickets to the show she is in last night and gave me one since I was off. It was great and the guy who played the lead was super hot. Molly did a great job. I went backstage afterwards to give her some flowers I had bought earlier and congratulate her.

“Faith, these are gorgeous!” She said as I handed the flowers to her and gave her a hug.

“You were amazing!” I said.

“Thanks, the cast is having a party tonight, you should totally come as my date!” She said pulling out of the hug, “I’d love to introduce you to everyone!”

“Um…okay.” I said shrugging. It had been awhile since I’d been to a party without babies present.

I waited as Molly changed.

“Who are you?”

I turned around and blushed; it was the super hot male lead.

“Oh, uh, I’m just a friend of Molly’s; I came to see her performance tonight. I’m just waiting for her.” I said looking down at my shoes.

“Are you coming to the cast party? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the show tonight.” He gave me a wink.

“Yes.” I said as Molly came out of her (shared) dressing room.

“Oh, Faith, you met Luke. Luke, this is my friend Faith.” She said.

He shook my hand and then told Molly the address of the bar that everyone was meeting at before he left. I stood there stupidly waving at him.

“Yeah, he has that effect on people.” Molly smirked, “Let’s go.”

We hailed a cab and headed over to the bar. The night was kind of a whirlwind. I met everyone in the show and after awhile they all just blurred together. There were a few people I remembered hearing Molly talk about, then there was Luke, and Calvin was apparently in the show, but I don’t remember recognizing him on stage.

The party had an open bar and I took advantage. I haven’t had a night out like that in a long time. I was on my third vodka and water when I felt a hand on the small of my back.

“I knew you were a vodka girl.” Luke said leaning up against the bar. He ordered a gin and tonic before taking a seat next to me.

“Oh, hi.” I said blushing.

Luke has deep green eyes and dark hair sort of like Robert Pattinson’s and he has a great laugh.

“Did you like the show?” He asked taking a sip of his drink.

“I did,” I said enthusiastically, “I thought it was very well done. The design elements were very interesting and Molly did such a great job with the costumes and acting, too, of course.”

I was rambling but he hung onto every word. We kept drinking and the flirtier we both became. Eventually, though, I thought I should call it a night.

“I had a great time tonight, but Molly and I should probably go.” I said standing up and looking around for her.

“I think Molly is a little preoccupied.” Luke laughed and pointed behind me.

Molly and Calvin were basically a tangle of arms and legs in a dark corner of the bar and she didn’t look like she was interested in having that situation changed.

“Oh.” I said.

“We could get out of here.” Luke said touching my back again.

I thought about it for a second.

“What the hell.” I said shrugging.

Luke and I walked out of the bar and quickly started making out against the front window. Eventually he hailed a cab and before I knew it I was straddling him in the back seat without any shame. In retrospect, I feel very bad for the poor cab driver, I hope Luke gave him a big tip. When we got to his apartment, he offered me coffee but before he could actually get all the words out we were making out again and eventually ended up completely naked in his bed.

I woke up this morning with no clothes on and his arm around my hips. I slipped out while he was still sleeping and had a very difficult time finding my clothes. I was looking under the bed for my underwear when he woke up.

“Hey, leaving so early?” He asked sleepily.

“Yeah, I should go.” I said poking my head above the bed.

He pulled me to him and gave me a really hot kiss.

“I had fun.” He said.

“Me, too.” I smiled.

“Your underwear is on the bookshelf over there.” He pointed.

I blushed and thanked him before putting my clothes back on. Meanwhile he got up and made some coffee. I didn’t stay to drink any with him, but he asked for my number and then kissed me again before I left.

When I got in this morning, Molly was just walking into our apartment. Apparently I’m not the only one who had to do the walk of shame this morning.

“Good morning.” I said, “How is Calvin.”

“His penis is as good as it’s always been.” She said smirking at my disheveled appearance, “Apparently I’m not the only one who had a good night either.”

“Yeah….” I said smiling to myself.

“I’m proud of you. Luke is really hot. You bagged yourself a good one.”

I didn’t say anything; I just drank the cup of coffee I had made.

“I take back what I said about you going out n a date with Brad. You should totally date Luke. Or just make him into the dude you like to bone whenever. Brad will deal.”

Dealing With It

Molly and I have been redecorating the apartment for days but we’re both really happy with it. The kitchen is no longer blindingly yellow. We painted it a deep teal which really brings out the darker toned granite countertops. We put up a chair rail on the walls for the rest of the living room so only the bottom part is the deep teal color. The upper part is a light blue and the chair rail itself is a white color. It looks very classy.

Molly made an orchid purple slip cover for the couch and chairs and it looks GREAT with the color scheme. The entertainment center is also white, as is the dining table set. We’re both really pleased with it. Molly is great at this kind of stuff and it was a lot of fun to do it with her. I doubt it would have been as much fun settling into a new place by myself.

I started back at work a few days ago. Cara and Brad knew what happened and offered me support and well wishes which I appreciated. Bruno was there, too, he gave me a hug and made it clear that if I needed anything, all I had to do was ask. Tony made me his famous grilled cheese, which is quickly becoming my favorite sandwich. It’s been slow since I came back but I’m sure it’ll be busy over the weekend for the college crowd.

“You know you could come over tonight, if you want.” Brad said as we were closing up.

“Maybe another time.” I said, “I’m still getting back on my feet.”

“I understand.” He said. He look a little disappointed, though.

Speaking of boys…

Adam is doing okay. He e-mailed me a few of his freelance articles which were all really good. I haven’t heard from Suzy and Dina for a long time, or Steve for that matter. I should really try to get in touch with them and see how they’re doing, maybe go out to dinner or something.

I don’t have to work tonight and Molly is acting in a show so I have the apartment to myself. I think I’ll grab a book (Molly has an amazing personal library in her studio that she has been more than happy to share), order some Chinese, and relax out on the balcony since it’s so nice outside. I could get used to this.

Living with Molly has been so easy and nice, even if she does keep telling me to go out on a real date with Brad. I never realized just how lonely it can be to live by yourself sometimes. Just being able to talk to or come home to someone every day has made this whole situation so much easier on me. I’m so glad I have the friends that I do.

Settled In

I moved in to Molly's today. It wasn't a very stressful move, to be honest. I didn't have much to move. My parents had a new bed delivered and I had a few pieces of furniture delivered, too, but Molly's apartment already has a lot of stuff in it so I didn't have to worry about furnishing any other are of the apartment except my room.

My room is pretty nice. I have a walk-in closet and my own bathroom. Molly has her own room but no bathroom. She and her previous roommate agreed to him having the larger room and private bathroom because she has her own office that she uses as a costume shop for her costuming work. She calls it her studio. I don't really need my own office, so I'm fine with the arrangement. The rest of the apartment is really great, we have a balcony and a nice, open floor plan. The kitchen area, dining area, and living room area are all combined together in a comfortable and easy way. The apartment kind of screams, "Molly!!!" though. I'm worried I'll never feel like this is my home and Molly was picking up on it as I looked around after everything had been unpacked and moved in.

"You know, we can re-decorate, if you want." She said.

We had decided to order a pizza after all that hard moving work which wasn't that hard but I'll take any excuse to eat pizza.

"I'm fine." I said.

"Faith," She said grabbing another slice, "You couldn't look more uncomfortable right now."

"It's...just...kind of...bright?" I said looking around.

Molly's kitchen was a bright sunshine yellow and the accent colors around the apartment were bright oranges and reds. Not my kind of color scheme, to be honest.

"We can re-paint. I can make a slip color for the couch." She said.

I started thinking about what colors I would like to tone things down a bit.

"Um, what about a sky blue and dark teal?"

"I think we can make that work." She said with a smile.

We decided to go to the hardware store tomorrow and buy some paint and then hit up a fabric store.

"I need to get rid of some of this stuff anyway," she said looking at some of her nick-knacks, "I can donate it to the thrift store down the street and we can buy some stuff that isn't orange or red or yellow."

"Okay, but only if you're okay with it." I said.

"I'm more than okay with it." She said.

We watched some movies and then Molly had to go to work.

Molly works as a costume designer and an actress but in between working on shows she also works as a suicide hotline counselor for gay teens from 11:00pm-4:30am. I don't know when she has time to sleep!

My favorite thing about my new apartment is definitely the balcony. I could sit on the balcony forever. Molly has it decorated with hanging plants and flower boxes and it feels really private and quiet. There's even a small fountain in one corner that adds a soothing sound to the ambiance.

Starting over feels weird but I'm slowly getting back on my feet.

Out of the Ashes

I’ve been trying to get back on my feet since the fire. It’s been hard trying to rebuild, especially knowing that I won’t have Murphy with me when I finally do get my life back. Zoey and Wesley have graciously allowed me to stay in their guest room until I’m ready to leave. Anna and Zoey were able to get me some new clothes from work to try and replace some of the great clothes I lost in the fire. Molly has made me a few shirts and dresses, too.

Zoey took me to the store and I bought underwear, socks, and shoes but that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. I called my parents to let them know what happened and that I was okay but that Murphy died. Just typing that out was painful.

I’ve been scouring the city looking for apartments but my heart just isn’t in it. I don’t have to worry about renewing or not renewing my lease now since there is no apartment for me to live in. I have to replace all of my furniture, linens, food, electronics, and it’s incredibly overwhelming. I don’t have a lot in savings because of unemployment so I have no idea what I’m going to do. My parents offered to buy me a bed and have it delivered but I don’t have an address to have it delivered to. My dad also told me that he would give me some money for a down payment on an apartment and groceries, I just have to ask.

Adam (Stormy, this is still weird) called me as soon as he saw the paper the day after the fire.

“Are you okay!?” He practically screamed into the phone.

“I will be.” I said.

We met for lunch and I told him about what happened and about losing Murphy.

“Faith, I’m so sorry. If you need a place to stay or anything, feel free to call me, okay?”

I nodded.

“Where were you when the fire broke out?”

“I was…uh…at work.” I said.

It didn’t feel appropriate to say that I was in the middle of having an orgasm with a guy I work with, especially considering that Adam and I never got together because we worked together.

“You’re lucky you weren’t there and were safe.” He said.

“If I had been there, I might have been able to get Murphy out.” I said, “All I can think about is how scared he must have been; how he must have thought I’d abandoned him…” I started ugly sobbing in the middle of a very public sandwich shoppe.

“Faith…” Adam didn’t know what to say.

“I know I sound stupid crying over my dead cat when 11 of my neighbors are dead. I feel TERRIBLE about how many people died and I feel even worse for feeling so bad about my cat but I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about what he went through in that building. I try to sleep at night and it’s all I can think about it.”

Adam ushered me outside and into a park so people would stop staring.

“They still haven’t caught the person?” He asked after I stopped crying.

“No.”

We talked for a little longer but then said good-bye, when I got back to Zoey’s Molly was there.

“You’re moving in with me.” She said.

“What?” I asked.

“I just kicked my roommate out. You’re living with me.”

I looked at Zoey who had an amused smirk on her face.

“Did you kick them out so I would live with you?” I asked with confusion as I sat down at the table across from her.

“No. He wanted to know if I would be cool with him running a meth lab out of his bedroom. Plus, he would never take out the trash.”

“Is she serious?” I asked Zoey.

She nodded with the same smirk.

“Molly, he didn’t actually start making meth in his room, did he?”

Molly’s smile went away as she thought about it.

“Um, you know I’ll get a cleaning crew in there before you move in, okay?”

“Okay.” I said.

Molly and I discussed rent and utilities payments among other things. She was on her way out when she stopped.

“My landlord allows pets.” She said gently, “In case you were interested in adopting again. And I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“Oh.” I said, I hadn’t thought about it and I’m still not ready to.

I’m going to move in with Molly in about a week. She has to get me added to her lease which will take a few days and her current roommate needs to get his stuff out. Zoey is going to let me stay until I’m ready to move in. I found some bedroom furniture online that I’m going to order when I’m ready for it and because I’m a glutton for punishment I ended up on the cat furniture page and sobbing well past midnight.

Up In Flames Part II

It’s weird to watch everything you ever had literally go up in flames. Having to stand on the side of a dirty street while your home burns down is a humbling experience. I’ve never felt so helpless.

I started running toward my building but stopped at the wooden barricades the fire department had set up to keep people a safe distance away. The fire had spread to both buildings next to it and the water being poured into them didn’t seem to be helping at all. I saw neighbors from my building standing around the barricades watching in awe. I called Zoey and told her what happened, she told me she was on her way and hung up.

I backed up a little from the barricade, I don’t know why, maybe it was to try and separate myself from the reality of what was happening. Someone ran into me hard. I ended up on the ground with a scraped up hand and my head hit the concrete. They were on the ground next to me rambling apologies in a panic.

“Randy?” I said when the person who hit me offered me their hand to help me get up.

His eyes were wild and his face was blotched with soot and sweat.

“Faith!? I’m so sorry, are you okay? I’m trying to find Teddy, we got separated in the stairwell and I haven’t been able to find him.”

“I’ll help you look.” I said. We split up after agreeing to meet up in 15 minutes at the same spot. I slipped through the crowd calling Teddy’s name but didn’t see or hear him. I ended up near a stoop of a building that wasn’t on fire yet, right on the edge of the wooden barricades. I stopped to catch my breath and heard crying. I couldn’t tell exactly where it was coming from but it sounded like it was coming from an alley next to a burning building about 150 feet from the barricade. I looked around amid the chaos. No one was paying attention to where I was. I hopped the barricade and ran towards the sound.

“Teddy!?” I said practically sliding into the alley. “TEDDY!?”

The crying had stopped but there was whimpering and I followed it. The sky above me looked like it was on fire, the blaze was spreading and I could hear firefighters yelling nearby the opening of the alley. Embers from the burning building were trickling down around me.

“Teddy?” I said looking around a trash can.

Teddy was covered in soot and was cradling his arm. It looked burned. He was wearing Iron Man pajamas that were singed in places and absolutely filthy. His pants were wet and there were tear tracks on his face.

“Teddy, let’s get that looked at buddy.” I said holding my hand out to him.

“I’m cold, Faith.” He whimpered.

I whipped off my coat and wrapped him in it before sweeping him up in my arms and running back to the barricade.

“How did your pants get wet?” I said trying to distract him as I climbed over the wooden barricade with him in my arms. His arms were wrapped so tight around me I was having trouble breathing.

“I-I had an accident.” He said. He started crying and buried his head into my neck.

“That’s okay, Teddy. It was scary. It’s okay. We’ll get you some new pants soon.”

I weaved back through the crowd to the meeting place Randy had designated.

“Oh, my God. Thank you, Faith! Oh my God.” Randy started crying when I transferred Teddy to him.

“He’s got a bad burn, you should take him to a paramedic.” I said.

Randy nodded, pulled me close to him, and kissed me on the mouth before giving me a grateful look and then disappearing in the direction of an ambulance. I stood and watched numbly as the firemen carried out some of my neighbors. Someone had put a blanket around my shoulders and I turned to see Zoey, Anna, and Molly. I hugged them all at once.

“Faith, have they brought any pets out?” Molly asked gently.

“N-no.” I said. My voice caught in my throat and I couldn’t speak anymore.

Zoey waved down a fireman and asked if they could look for my cat. He shook his head and brushed her off. I flung off my blanket, hopped the barricade and started running towards my building but suddenly ended up hanging upside down.

“What do you think you’re doing?” A fireman had flung me over his shoulder like a sack of flour and started walking me back to the barricade. At first I kicked and tried to break free but gave up and started crying.

“Please.” I said when he set me back down, “My cat. He’s still in there. I need him. He’s all I have. Please.”

The fireman looked at me and then back at the building.

“PLEASE.” I said. I was begging at that point.

“I’ll look for him when I go back in, but it was a bad fire…”

“I understand.” I said quickly so he wouldn’t finish the rest of his thought.

I felt like I watched the fire burn for hours. The sun was coming up and each time someone would come out of the building empty-handed my hope was extinguished a little more. I felt selfish. There were full body bags sitting in front of one of the ambulances and I was dying inside because no one could find my cat. Randy and Teddy joined me on the curb across from the crowd. Zoey, Anna, and Molly were helping people in the crowd, getting coffee and blankets, doing what they could at my insistence to be left alone for a little bit.

“Faith, thank you.”

“No problem, Randy. I’m glad Teddy was found.”

He put his arm around me and I put my head against his shoulder.

“They’ll find him.” He said.

I didn’t say anything.

“What are you guys going to do?” I asked him after a long time.

“I don’t know yet. Probably stay at a hotel for a few days…”

The fire burned for hours, it was hard to control because of the wind. Three buildings other than my apartment complex caught on fire. I watched until the building was a smoldering skeleton of wood, bricks, and metal. I was holding a cold cup of coffee in my hands and staring at the ground when a pair of boots came into my line of vision. I looked up and my heart sank.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t find him.” It was the fireman from before.

“I-it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” I said with no emotion.

Zoey, Molly, and Anna surrounded me and shuffled me into Zoey’s car. I’ve been living in Zoey’s guest room for the past four days. The fire has been all over the news. 11 people died and the police think it was arson but have no idea who could have done it. The only things that I didn’t lose in the fire were the clothes I was wearing, my purse, and phone.

I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve lost so suddenly. And it’s not just material stuff; it’s the memories that go with it. I’ve lost photo albums from my college years, family photos, my computer and laptop, the signed apology from Kevin that I framed, Murphy’s kitty castle, my college and high school diplomas, graduation photos, and, of course, Murphy. Bruno has given me as much time as I need to get things in order but I haven’t been able to do anything except grieve for Murphy. I can’t believe he’s gone. This is so surreal.

Up In Flames Part I

Haven’t written in awhile, I’ll get to why in a second.

About two weeks ago I was at work. I had decided to dress a little more…liberally, than I had been ever since I made so much money in tips the night Brad and I made out in the storage room. I was wearing a tight-fitting white v-neck t-shirt, tight blue jeans, and sensible 2-inch black heels with a wide base and heel. My hair was up in a high pony tail and I was wearing a simple silver chain around my neck and a matching bracelet. And yes, the girls were out and looking good in that v-neck. I’ve been making a lot of money in tips ever since I started wearing a more strategic wardrobe, not enough to stay in my apartment (I have one more month on my lease and I keep avoiding the landlord’s office to tell them I’m not renewing, mostly because I still haven’t found a suitable apartment) but enough to make my very rapidly depleting savings not be depleted so quickly.

It was a Monday and we’d had an unusually busy night due to it being spring break for the college near the bar. I didn’t make as much money in tips as I’ve normally been getting because college kids are broke and don’t tip a whole lot, if they tip at all, that is. It’s seriously ridiculous. In college, I worked as a waitress at a diner and being stiffed on a tip always ruined my night (I was the best waitress ever so I know it wasn’t because of the service, some people are just assholes) and you’d think some of these college kids also work as wait staff or something so they’d know how important it is to tip, but it’s very common for us not to get any tips from college students at all. Part of me wishes Bruno would just include gratuities in the price of the drinks we sell and let us all split whatever it ends up being at the end of the night. Brad and I were talking about this in the stockroom while we were closing up. Cara had gone home because she wasn’t feeling well (she’s been sick all week, I think she has the flu) so it was just us.

“I had a kid rack up nearly 200 bucks on a bar tab tonight for him and his friends and none of them tipped.” Brad said kicking an empty crate.

“Oh, I know. That smarmy little jerk wouldn’t leave Cara alone, either.”

“I saw him eyeing you, too.”

“Let him look, I don’t care, but it was obvious Cara wasn’t interested and he wouldn’t back off. Plus, he wasn’t eyeing me enough to pay for a damn tip.”

“I hate college kids.”

“Me, too.” I said grumpily.

It had been a long night and both of us weren’t in the best of moods. I went to get my black cropped jacket and purse from my locker near the clock out station. Brad followed behind me while he put his leather jacket on.

“I’ll walk you to your bus stop.” He said, “It’s late and there are a bunch of drunk college kids roaming the streets.”

“Brad, you take the same bus as me, just in the opposite direction.”

“So?”

I laughed and shook my head before exiting through the back door of the bar into the alley on the side of the building. Brad locked it up quickly and we headed to the bus stop a block away.

“I’m tired.” He said.

“Me, too.” I yawned.

We sat on the bench in the glass and metal covered bust stop area. Brad’s bus came and stopped across the street but he didn’t leave to get on it.

“You don’t have to make sure I get on my bus.” I said with my hands in my jacket pocket. It was unusually cold and I was chilly.

“It’s okay.” He said.

I got up to pace and try to get warm.

“What are you doing?” He laughed.

“I’m freezing!” I said through chattering teeth.

“You’re such a baby.” He said, “It’s, like, 50 degrees out.”

“Is that why I can see my breath when I talk? And you’re sitting there shivering.” I pointed out.

Brad stood up, opened up his jacket and engulfed me in it.

“Thank you.” I said. It was muffled by my face being in his chest.

He looked down at me, said, “you’re welcome”, and then I kissed him. My bus pulled up about a minute later and made a loud gush of air as it stopped that startled me from the kissing. Brad let me go from his jacket but I didn’t get on my bus. It left and we both stood there.

“That was your bus.” He said.

“I know.”

“Uh, you’re not on it.”

“I want to go home with you.” I said after a moment.

He smiled and engulfed me in his jacket again. Eventually his bus came and we both got on it after crossing the street . In about 20 minutes I found myself stumbling into his apartment while trying to take his jacket off. He smoothed mine off once his arms were free and I kicked my shoes off as he led me to his bedroom. He backed me into it and fell on top of me onto his bed. Both of us were shirtless and my jeans were unzipped. We were both laughing in between kisses and soft moans.

“We should use a-”

“I’m on it.” He said sliding me up so my head was on a pillow and reaching into a drawer on his nightstand. I wiggled my pants off and he handed me the small wrapper while he got his jeans off. I straddled him and teased him for awhile; playing with the band of his boxers, kissing down his abdomen, nibbling his jaw line. Finally I put the condom on him and he flipped me over so I was on my back, then he slowly took off my underwear, unhooked my bra and went for it. It was good. REALLY good. At one point he had both hands on the headboard for leverage. We were both loud and finished at the same time. He rolled off of me, panting.

“I thought I was tired when we locked up tonight, but I guess not.” He joked.

“Definitely not.” I said.

He started kissing me again and his hand moved to between my thighs. I started moaning and pulling him closer to me, he kissed me harder and moved his hand faster until I was done.

After a few minutes I said, “We probably shouldn’t have done this.”

“I don’t regret it.”

“Neither do I.” I said smiling. Sex with Brad was awesome.

I got dressed, said goodbye, and went home. Brad said I was welcome to spend the night, but I had a hungry cat to get home to and declined. He invited me to come over again and I said that I definitely would before leaving for the night.

The bus ride home took a lot longer than usual. About three stops away from my stop, there were a lot of fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances speeding by and the bus had to stop every time. Finally I got off at my stop and walked around the corner. I stood there in shock before my stomach dropped and I started running towards my violently burning apartment building.

Birthday Bash

Today was the twins’ birthday party! I can’t believe they are a year old already. It seems like this year has been such a whirlwind of a lot of bad stuff, but the twins’ birth was definitely a big, good thing that happened. I bought Weatherly a stuffed cat (it looks like Murphy) and I bought Andrew a stuffed panda, Zoey bought this set of blocks that you can play with in the bathtub and stick to the tile, and Molly made blankets for them.

I was helping Anna with the cake in the kitchen and she just looked so happy. I remember when she had her miscarriage and totally shut down and it’s like she’s a completely different person now. The birthday party was in the late afternoon so I had to leave early to get to work on time but I mingled before I left and update the girls on my job situation.

“Brad is pretty hot and he flirts with me but I think it’s just meaningless.” I said to Molly over fruit punch and chocolate cake.

“You should just have sex with him.” She said.

I nearly spit out my punch.

“Excuse me?”

“You totally should. You should just have a fling to finally get over all the bad. It’s a New Year, Faith, a clean slate. Bed that man.”

“You know, ever since you and Calvin stopped seeing each other you have been really, really horny.” I said with a smirk.

“Calvin was a GOD in bed, Faith, I can’t help that I miss his amazing pe-”

“What are you guys talking about?” Anna asked as she came around behind Molly.

“Calvin’s penis.” I said nonchalantly.

“Again?” Anna said flatly with an exasperated look to Molly.

“YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.” Molly joked.

“Maybe you should sleep with Brad.” I said.

“Ooooh, who’s Brad?” Zoey said coming from behind me.

“A co-worker Faith has the hots for.” Molly said.

“I do not.” I said quickly, “We just flirt. For fun. It’s nothing. Really.”

“I told her she should sleep with him.”

“She should.” Zoey said.

I started choking on my punch at that one.

“What!? Anna, is this punch spiked? Am I drunk? Are all of you drunk?”

“It’s non-alcoholic. You should totally sleep with him. It’s exactly what you need to get over the terrible year you’ve had.” Anna replied.

“Yeah, a clean slate.” Zoey said, “Go for it.”

“I work with him. No. Plus, the flirting is meaningless. It’s not meant to be a thing.” I said.

They all nodded like they knew better and then shooed me of before I was late for work. Because of the party, I didn’t have time to change before work so I was wearing a pair of tight, flared jeans and a black flowy top that showed off the girls pretty nicely. My hair was dark and wavy and I was wearing a pair of black heels.

“Whoa. Looking good, Faith.” Cara said as I clocked in.

“Oh, thanks, I had a thing before this so-”

“Have Mercy.” Brad said as he came around the corner.

“Okay, Uncle Jesse. What is this? Full House?”

Cara started giggling and Brad went to the stockroom.

“You SO like him.” She giggled.

“I do not. It’s just harmless flirting.”

“Right.” Cara said and walked back to help Brad in the stock room.

I got a lot more tips than I normally do, probably because of what I was wearing, so I was in a really good mood. Brad and I were serving drinks and flirting back and forth while Cara giggled every time I said anything. We were busy tonight because of the weekend so Cara stayed until we closed. She was mopping behind the bar when I went to put some empty boxes in the store room. Brad came in with a bunch of crates from the kitchen and we were alone in the stock room with the door closed.

“You got a lot of tips tonight. You should buy me a drink.” He winked.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked.

“Okay.” He said confused.

“The flirting is just…for fun, right?”

“What do you mean?” He crossed his arms and looked at me.

“I mean, that you’re just doing to have fun, you don’t actually mean anything by it, right?”

He cocked his head and smiled but didn’t say anything.

“Because if it’s not I don’t want to lead you on or anything.” I continued.

“Okay.” He said.

I nodded.

“Okay, then.” I said with finality.

I went to move a crate onto a shelf but because of my black pumps, I lost my footing and it slipped.

“Whoa!” Brad ran to catch the crate before it fell and broke whatever was inside it.

He caught it and slid it up onto the shelf from behind me. I could feel him behind me and when I turned around he smiled and put his arm against the shelf above my head. I could have walked away but I didn’t. My back and hands wear against a box on the shelf.

“I dare you.” He said and then smiled again.

I leaned in and kissed him. Hard. He put his hands on the small of my back and I had one on his chest with another on the back of his neck. I was pulling him into me and he was pushing me against the shelf pretty hard. He moved a hand into my hair and then moved his mouth to my neck. My hand made it to his hair while another somehow made it under his shirt (Brad doesn’t look like it, but he is RIPPED). I started unzipping his pants but then I snapped out of it and stopped everything like a huge spazz.

I pushed him and he backed away immediately.

“Oh God NO. NOT HERE! What am I DOING?” I had my hands both on my forehead and started pacing back and forth, “God, I am SUCH an IDIOT.”

Brad started laughing and zipped up his pants which reminded me that he was still present.

“Oh, God, Brad…uh…we can’t do that here.”

“Somewhere else then?” He gave me a crooked smile.

“Yeah, we could…NO. UGH. NO.”

“Are you drunk?” He asked. I was acting crazy.

“No, I’m just stupid.” I said. I balled my hands into fists and lightly bumped them on my head while I stood across from him.

“Faith, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It was just a dare.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Look,” he said coming up to me and taking my hands from my head and refusing to let me look away from his eyes, “it’s really not a big deal. We’re both adults. This doesn’t have to be weird. I’m not uncomfortable if you’re not.”

“You’re just…so hot…” I whined more to myself than to him.

He started laughing again and I pulled him over to me where we started kissing again.

20 minutes later I emerged from the stock room with my hair a complete mess right into the hallway where Cara was waiting with the mop bucket.

“Riiiiiiiight.” She said with a wide smiled and started cackling as Brad walked out.

Brad and I didn’t have sex, he’s just a really good kisser and oh my God I was so close to bringing him home with me.

Fun and Games

Work was really slow tonight. I mean, we never really have a full bar (unless it’s a weekend) but we probably had three people (besides the regulars) come in over 4 hours. Cara and I eventually found a deck of cards in the back and started playing “Go Fish” with Brad. Tony made us all some grilled cheese sandwiches and joined Bruno in the back with some of the regulars.

“So what did you do before this, Faith?” Cara asked.

“I used to be an HR rep.” I said, “But I decided it wasn’t for me.”

“I don’t think I could fire someone.” Cara said.

“It’s hard. I definitely don’t envy people, like Bruno, who will inevitably have to do it at some point.”

“I can’t imagine Bruno firing anyone.” She said.

“He has.” Brad chimed in, “Do you have a ten, Faith?”

“Go fish. Who did he fire?”

“The person you replaced.”

“Angela wasn’t fired.” Cara said.

“Oh, yes she was.” Brad said.

“Do you have a six, Brad?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He tossed the card to me, “Bruno kept finding money missing from the cash register and it always lined up with her shifts. Plus, she was fired for stealing money from a previous job.”

“Why did Bruno hire her in the first place?” I asked.

“He didn’t find out about it until after he fired her.”

“Angela told me that she quit because Bruno was withholding her tips.” Cara said.

“Do you honestly think Bruno would do that? He might be a hard ass, Cara, but he’s fair. We always get the amount of money we worked for. Bruno is obsessive when it comes to the books and he treats us like family. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to fire Angela, she’d worked for him for two years; he treated her like a daughter.”

Cara shrugged and I ended up winning that round of “Go Fish.”

“Let’s play Black Jack.” Brad said.

“It’s not fun with nothing to gamble.” Cara said.

“We could do it like truth or dare. Whoever wins gets to come up with a truth or dare question for the person of their choice.”

“Are we in high school?” I mocked.

“Come on, what else are we going to do?” Brad said.

“It could be fun.” Cara shrugged and poured me a soda.

“Fine.” I sighed, “I’m bringing a stash of magazines next shift so we never have to resort to this again.”

We played for awhile and it was fun. Brad won the first hand and chose Cara, who picked truth. Brad asked her if she’d ever stolen anything.

“I stole a pen from Walgreens once. I was 8 and it was a rainbow-colored feather pen. My mom found it and made me return it with an apology.”

I won the second hand, chose Brad, and dared him to tie a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue. He did it in under a minute.

Cara won the third round and asked Brad to show us his most private piercing.

“Whoa!” Cara said.

“Did that hurt?” I asked.

“I put ice on it before they put the needle through it.”

“I would not have been able to get the second one done.” Cara said.

“Eh, well, when it comes to nipple rings, you should really get both…for symmetry, you know. Plus, the four beers I’d had before helped with the courage.” Brad smiled.

“Alright, guys, I’m off. I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe I’ll bring a board game.”

Cara waved and departed. Brad and I still had another two hours before we could close up the bar. We stopped playing cards and eventually just ended up playing truth or dare and alternating turns.

“Truth.” I said.

“Have you ever dated anyone you work with?”

“Yes. I dated my boss once. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Brad said.

“Have YOU ever dated anyone you work with?”

“No. But I want to.”

“Cara is pretty cute.” I said.

“Truth or dare?” Brad said.

“Dare.” I said.

“Kiss me.”

Brad leaned in to me but I put my hand on his face, pushed him away, and started laughing.

“No. We are SO not doing this.”

“Oh, come on, one kiss.”

“You realize this is sexual harassment?” I said.

“You know you want to.”

“In your dreams.” I said taking a sip of my soda.

“If you only knew.”

“Oh, GROSS.” I said hitting him on the arm playfully.

“You’ll kiss me eventually.” He floated away to go get a beer for one of the regulars in the back and I feel stupid for smiling after he left.

“Dream on.” I shouted back.

Flirting with Brad is fun and he’s not hard on the eyes.

Bruno's

I’ve been at work for about a week now. My first day Bruno introduced me to my co-workers.

First, Bruno is always around but most of the time he’s upstairs in the office watching football or in the back lounge room with his favorite customers. Bruno is an older, fatherly-like guy who kind of seems like he would have mob connections, if I’m being honest. He calls me sweetheart but not in a condescending way and I like him a lot. He’s a helpful guy who really cares about his community; for example, he offers to keep house keys for people in the community in case they get locked out of their apartments late at night, there’s a giant cupboard of hundreds of keys in the back.

Brad is the guy I will mostly be working with and he’s a more experienced bartender so he’s sort of like my boss in a really, really informal way. Brad is a 25 year old rocker guy and has spiky black hair, wears leather wrist bands, band tees, studded pants and paints his fingernails black. He’s kind of hot, to be honest, in a bad-boy way.

Cara is also someone I am usually going to be working with but she’s not actually a bartender. She’s training to be one and Bruno is letting her apprentice in the bar. Her actual title is a bar back. Mostly she brings stuff from the stockroom so we don’t run out of anything at the bar and occasionally she waitresses to make more money when the kitchen is open. Cara is a cute 21 year old who attends school full time in addition to working at Bruno’s. She kind of looks like Amy from Futurama; black hair, cute button nose, and she’s super sweet, kind of like a little sister.

Tony is the cook in the back but saying I work at a restaurant or even a bar and grill is stretching it. We sell what essentially amounts to bowling alley food: onion rings, cheese burgers, fries, nachos, fried mushrooms, mozzarella sticks, etc. But Tony is a whiz in the kitchen and will make stuff for the staff that’s not on the menu. Last night he made me a grilled cheese that was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten.

“It’s the cheese,” He told me when I started swooning at how good it was, “I use a mixture of Harvati, Fontina, and smoked cheddar. Then I use a garlic herb butter to toast up the bread in the pan.”

Um, YUM.

Tony is a tall black man about the same age as Bruno. They grew up together and are close friends. We don’t get a lot of food orders, so Tony is usually hanging out with Bruno in the office or in the back lounge room. Brad told me that Bruno’s never used to serve food but Tony lost his job in the recession and was struggling to find any work to support his family (he’s got a wife and two kids in college) so Bruno offered him a job and bought a deep fryer (hence all the fried food we serve) and a very small grill. It actually turned out to be a great business plan because the bar is right next to one of the college campuses in this city and we get a TON of college kids coming in on the weekends who are drunk and hungry; apparently what we sell appeals to the binge-drinking twenty-something masses.

I like the vibe at Bruno’s and even though I don’t make nearly enough for rent or anywhere close to what I used to and I’ll need to get another job as soon as I settle in here, I feel like I fit in. I also like that I can dress casually for work. It was sometimes such a pain to have to wear nice, professional clothes to work every day.

Time Out

I’ve taken a break from writing for awhile but I’ve missed all of my readers. A lot has happened in the near-month I’ve been away, too. Although I tried to give everyone a generous severance package at work, that money doesn’t go very far and as a result I have been frantically searching for jobs (and getting turned down at every turn). BUT I was finally hired yesterday. It’s not in HR and I don’t think I’ll ever be returning to that world. I’ll be working at Bruno’s neighborhood bar, or lovingly referred to by all of the regulars simply as Bruno’s. I bartended in college and it was the only job I could get after searching for over a month. I’m grateful to have this job, even though my budget is definitely going to have to be put on a diet. I start next week.

Because money is tight I’ve been looking at apartments that are cheaper than the one I’m in now. I crunched the numbers and paying the rent in my current apartment is just going to be impossible if I want to be able to buy groceries without dipping into my savings (which is actually going to be used to pay off my student loans repayments until I get a second job). So, I’m looking for an apartment. That takes cats.

The girls have been put on alert and have been on the lookout for any open apartments they see. So far, I haven’t had much luck finding an apartment that meets my ideal rent payment, takes cats, and is also livable. It’s like I only get to pick two out of those three things. I’m discouraged but I’m hopeful that I’ll find something.

Stormy came over the other day to watch the new Project Runway: All Stars.

“Where’s Tim?” He asked.

“Stormy, we’ve been through this. Tim isn’t on the All Stars season.”

“But…Tim is the best part of the show.”

“You’ll live.”

Personally, I’m Team Mondo. Stormy keeps changing teams because all of his people keep getting kicked off.

“Fine, I’m Team Mondo, too.”

“No.” I said.

“What? Why?”

“Because every time you choose a team they get kicked off and I want Mondo to win. If you join Team Mondo he’ll get kicked off. Pick Austin or something.”

Stormy threw a pillow at me. I told him about my new job when the pizza came.

“Gross, a bar?”

“It’s all I could find, okay? Plus, I don’t think HR is my thing anymore.”

“Why?” He reached for a slice.

“Because firing people is too hard for me. I don’t want to go through everything that happened again. I can’t.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I think the majority of us are doing okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I got that freelance job I told you about-”

“Yeah but it’s not under your actual name.” I snorted.

Stormy looked at me with confusion, “Uh…yeah it is.”

I started choking on my pizza because I was so confused.

“What? Your name isn’t Adam.” I said recalling the name I saw on his most recent article.

“Do you really think my real name is STORMY?” He started laughing.

“Wait, so I’ve been calling you by the wrong name for like a year?”

“Closer to two, really.”

“How did I not know this? Why didn’t you correct me?”

“Faith, Stormy Allen was just a name I used for the station and when they opened up the paper it was just so people would try to be sold on the paper by the brand of that name. It’s just a showbiz name. Lots of people do it.”

“So…should I call you Adam now?”

“You can if you want.” He shrugged, “You’re the only one from the paper who still calls me Stormy. For the record.”

“EVERYONE ELSE KNEW?”

I threw a pillow at him and then grabbed my cell phone.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Editing your name in my contacts.” I shot him a dirty look and he started laughing again.

“Anyway,” he continued, “most of us are doing okay. I got that free lance job, Steve is working as an assistant to a publicist, Tom is working at that women’s magazine with your friends, and Suzy and Dina both got picked up at the same daily newspaper ours used to compete with. You shouldn’t worry about us.”

“Still, I don’t think HR is for me. I’m going to try some things out, do some research, and keep my options open.”

“By working at a bar?”

“I had to get something and Bruno offered me the job. It’s not like I was getting offers from other places, Stor- Adam.”

He raised his eyebrow at me and smiled.

“It’s weird.” I said, “I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me what your real name was until now.”

“I think you’ll get over it.” He said.

“What kind of name is Stormy, anyway? If you think about it, you should have just stuck with your real name.”

“I don’t know, it sounded cool?”

“Ugh, you’re such a dude.”

“Shhh, Tim Gunn might show up any second.”

“No, he won’t. Just let it go.”

“No, the dream is still alive.”

We couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the night. It’s nice to just hang out with Adam and not have it be weird. It’s kind of weird how much renewal I’ve had since ending things with Sean. It feels nice, actually.

The Good Ship

Unemployment is…weird. I have all of this time and it’s like I can’t fill all of it up. I feel bad if I don’t spend time looking for work but I can only fill out so many applications per day before I go stir crazy. Stormy is gone. He moved out yesterday and things feel so empty without him here. I’m confused about us, too. Before he left I told him that he should move on and that I want him to be happy with someone else. I really do want him to move on. Stormy is a great friend to me and he was there when my relationship with Sean fell apart, both times. I don’t want to screw up the friendship we have and so we can’t be together the way he wants to be. I won’t let myself hurt him like I did with Randy, but I can’t help but notice the feelings I have for him don’t fall strictly on the platonic side of things.

It’s probably good that we don’t live together anymore. It just makes things more messy and complicated than they probably need to be.

The girls and I are…mending things. Yesterday, after Stormy left I stomped over to Zoey and Wesley’s and banged on the door until she opened it.

“ZOEY, YOU OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR RIGHT N-” I said banging on the door like a crazy person.

She opened the door and stared at me with a mixture of fear, annoyance, and concern.

“What?”

“WHAT? Is that really all you have to say?”

“What do you want, Faith?” She asked sighing.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m mad at you for freezing me out and that-”

There was movement behind her and I realized that Molly and Anna were both there, too. It stung that they were hanging out without me even though I knew this was probably going on anyway, but still, it hurt to actually see it.

“Oh, great, now I don’t have to go bang on Anna and Molly’s doors, too.” I said acidly.

I barged into Zoey’s house without being invited and started rambling about everything that had happened.

“I really needed your support and all of you abandoned me. How could you do that to me? I was trying to get things together. Sean and I aren’t together anymore and we won’t be. I don’t want to be with him anymore and I have sworn off dating. If you don’t want to be my friends anymore, you at least owe me an explanation for blowing me off for the past two months when I tried to get you all to talk to me.” I finished huffily.

The three of them shared a look.

“Faith, we cut Elise out of our lives when she was being destructive; you were at that point, too. It was getting toxic.” Zoey said.

I was shocked and pissed.

“This was NOT the same situation as the one with Elise. I was dating someone you didn’t approve of, Zoey! I wasn’t trying to steal anyone’s boyfriends or husbands. I wasn’t doing god knows what kind of illegal substances she was. That is NOT a fair comparison and YOU KNOW IT!” I was yelling.

“Faith,” Molly squeaked, “We were all worried about you. We thought some tough love would help you see what was at stake.”

I didn’t know what to say. In a way, their abandonment did help me realize what I was doing to my life but there had to be a better way they could have gone about it.

We sat there in a weird silence. I sighed and looked at all three of them.

“I owe you guys an apology. I…lost my way for awhile, but I’m trying to get back on my feet and you should have stopped freezing me out when I sent you all those messages and texts telling you what had happened. Instead you let me feel like a terrible person, unworthy of any sort of friendship, and I got to deal with losing my job without any support to boot!”

Anna, Molly, and Zoey all apologized to me and we all started crying. Hugs were passed around and we ate dinner together. Things are damaged but we’re still friends. I think we’ll overcome this. It feels good to have my girls back.

Paths

Today was everyone’s last day. We spent most of it packing up our desks and saying good byes. Stormy is talking to me again. We’ve been on speaking terms ever since I ended things with Sean. Speaking of Sean, I haven’t heard from him at all, which I’m taking as a good sign. I’ve lined up a few interviews but I’m not sure that I even want the jobs. They’re all related to HR and after having to tell all of my friends that they don’t have jobs anymore I don’t want to work in HR again. I’ve fired people before but it was almost always because they did something that warranted firing based on the company’s policies. But laying off people I’ve grown to care about? That was so much worse and I haven’t slept well since.

I can’t exactly be picky, though. This is a hard job market to find any job in. I feel like I need a change, though. I do need to find a job soon, though. If I don’t I won’t be able to afford my rent. I have some money saved up and if I have to, I could use it to break my lease and put a down payment on a much smaller more unemployed-budget-friendly apartment. I’ve been thinking about another alternative for awhile, though, and brought up my idea to Stormy.

“Have you seen a lot of apartments?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Yeah. I’ve had to reevaluate the ones I was considering, though, what with being out of work.”

Stormy chose to void his contract with the news station (something Veronica and the investors were NOT happy about) and try freelancing as a journalist and applying to some big papers around the city.

“Well, I was thinking that maybe WE could be roommates.” I said.

“What?” Stormy looked at me skeptically.

“Come on, you’ve been living with me for awhile now. We get along. Our schedules work pretty nicely. We could afford a nicer apartment if we pooled our money.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re both unemployed. And because we have a weird relationship.”

“What? No we don’t.”

“Faith, come on. We both know that I want to be more than your friend.”

I looked away from him.

“You’re not ready. I get that. If I can’t be your boyfriend, then I’ll take being your friend but living with you permanently is probably not a good idea for us. I’m a guest in your house; things would be different if we lived together for real. Besides I think I found a good apartment. I’m planning on putting a down payment on it tomorrow.”

“Oh.” I said trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

Stormy went to pack up some of his things and I thought about what he said. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I like having Stormy as a friend but maybe he’s right. Maybe living with a dude is a dumb idea for me. I seem to mess everything up and I wouldn’t want to ruin the only friendship I have left.

Speaking of the girls, I haven’t heard from them since Zoey left my apartment. I’ve tried calling and texting and sending messages on Facebook and haven’t gotten any responses. I’ve really screwed everything up.

From the Ashes

Stormy was out at a New Year’s Eve party tonight. He’s still mad. I don’t know if he’s mad at me, per say, or if he’s just mad at the work situation overall but he told me he just wanted some space so I’ve been giving it to him. Sean came over for New Year’s Eve.

“Where’s Karen?” I asked when I let him in.

“She’s still visiting her parents and sister for the holidays.”

“And she didn’t bring you?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to go. It’s not like our relationship is one either of us wanted.”

I kind of felt sorry for Sean when he said that. We made small talk about the holidays and shared a bottle of wine while we watched the countdown on television. When the clock struck midnight, Sean went to kiss me but both of us got texts at the same time. His from Karen, mine from Stormy (a hopeful sign). I’m kind of relieved that Sean wasn’t the person I kissed at midnight this year. While he was responding to his text from Karen, I put the wine and glasses away and was struck with a fire I haven’t felt in ages.

I leaned against the living room doorway with my arms crossed and watched as Sean finished up his texting with Karen. He stood up and came over to me and then started kissing me.

But I stopped him.

“What the Hell are we doing, Sean?” I asked tiredly.

“Kissing.” He said.

I let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed my forehead with my hand.

“You’re in a relationship that you have no commitment to and I’ve allowed you to drag me into it with you. The only thing I’m getting out of this is guilt. What are you getting out of this?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I don’t want to do this anymore, Sean! I am SO unhappy with you. And you don’t even seem to CARE! Don’t you at least feel bad for betraying Karen the SAME WAY you betrayed me?”

“Like, Karen and I are going to be together for much longer.” Sean said.

I looked at Sean with horror.

“Does she even know how you feel or do you lie and pretend like everything is fine?”

“Faith, I’m trying to get through the weird twists and turns my life has taken. I never wanted any of this!”

“Yeah, but you aren’t working through it. You’re barely even addressing it! You’re going to be a DAD Sean! You can’t spend the rest of your life resenting Karen for a stupid mistake you both made together and you DEFINITELY don’t get to keep punishing me for not wanting to be included in it!”

“You think I’m punishing you?” He asked quietly and sincerely.

“That’s what it feels like for me, Sean. My friends won’t talk to me because of you. I cheated on someone I cared about with you. I have lost so much and you haven’t lost anything.”

“Faith, you are the only thing I have that reminds me of what I had before everything went to Hell.”

“Wrong. You don’t have me. You gave me up when you and Karen had sex on our anniversary and you don’t get to wallow in sadness about that because YOU made that choice. No one else. I think it’s time you accepted what is happening in your life and get your act together because my apartment isn’t going to be some weird sanctuary for you when your life gets too heavy to deal with, Sean. Not anymore. I have my own life to live and I don’t want you in it anymore.”

My words hung in the air between us.

“So, this is how you’re ending things?” He asked.

“You don’t get it, do you, Sean? We were over in August and your decisions are what ended things. You don’t get to act like I’m the one who hurt you. You need to go home to your pregnant girlfriend and nursery and grow the fuck up because I’m not going to sit here and hold your hand and give you comfort while you live two separate lives. You don’t get to live your life with me anymore. I don’t want you to call me or text me or contact me at all. I thought we could be friends somewhere down the line but I just want to be free of you and the damage you did and I can’t do that when you are constantly showing up on my doorstep reminding me of what happened all over again. I can’t begin to move on and heal when you are still around. And if you ever REALLY cared about me you would let me go.”

Sean didn’t say anything. He opened his mouth a few times to say something but never did. In the end he nodded and left. I told him good bye before I closed the door with a sense of finality I hadn’t ever had with our relationship before. I sat on the couch feeling numb for awhile until I heard Stormy come home.

“Faith?” He asked when he came around the corner of the hallway, “Are you okay?”

He sat next to me on the couch. I shook my head and started crying into his chest.

“He’s……gone…….for……real…..I…..ended it.” I sobbed.

Stormy patted my hair and let me cry. I cried the tears I should have cried in August but was too proud and angry to allow. I cried for how hurt I’ve felt and for doing things I will never be able to take back. I cried because I chose to sacrifice my friendships over a guy who was no good for me. Stormy was there for all of it. He’s the only friend I have left and he was there to watch me fall apart and then put myself back together. I eventually stopped crying and we sat together for awhile.

“Now what?” Stormy asked.

“Now I move on. Finally.” I said.

Grim

Veronica called everyone into an all-staff meeting to announce the closing of the paper. I don’t think anyone was prepared. It’s such an unexpected time to lay people off; right in between Christmas and New Year’s. The shock on everyone’s faces was heartbreaking. After Veronica made the announcement and answered some basic questions, she gave the floor to me where I spoke about the severance packages and the option to cancel any contracts an employee might have with the news station. I avoided eye contact with my friends when I mentioned that everyone would be pulled into a meeting with me by the end of next week to go over their severance packages and options. I started with Stormy.

As soon as the door closed, he started yelling.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this!”

“Stormy, you know I couldn’t. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell everyone but it was all confidential.”

“How long have you known about this?”

“That’s…complicated.” I said.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Faith?”

“I’ve known for awhile. I’ve known it was a possibility for even longer than that. But I can’t talk about it, Stormy. It’s all confidential.”

“Are you telling me that the paper has been teetering on the brink of shutting down forever? Is this why the paper was moved to all digital?”

I didn’t say anything. Stormy tiredly fell into a chair across from my desk and looked into the distance, deep in thought.

“Your severance package is very generous.” I said pulling out the file I had made for him months ago, “You’ll be allowed to cancel your contract with the station if you want to.”

Stormy flipped through the file, put it under his arm, and left without a word. I sighed. Not only did I have a meeting with Stormy, but I had them with Steve, Tom, Dina, and Suzy, among others. There were tears, there was yelling and anger; there was confusion, shock, and real pain on people’s faces. My friends looked at me like I had betrayed them. Dina gave me a hug, though.

She told me that she knew I was in an uncomfortable position and that she couldn’t hold it against me. I appreciated her words a lot and I think they got me through the rest of the day. When I came home from work, Stormy wasn’t there. He didn’t show up until really late and I’m pretty sure he’d been out drinking on account of the fact that my apartment smelled like a distillery almost as soon as he walked through the door. I thought it was best to give him his space and let him sleep it off. He’ll talk to me when he’s processed everything.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.