Mall Rats

Sean and I went Christmas gift shopping for my parents even though we decided it was best if he didn’t come. I made up an excuse about him having a family emergency that he couldn’t get out of and would be dealing with for awhile and my mom was upset but didn’t push the issue. He wanted to buy my parents gifts as a way to apologize and still somewhat participate in the holidays with them since they were nice enough to invite him. My mom was able to get almost all of her money back for the ticket, too, so things worked out pretty well in that regard.

“What kind of stuff do they like again?” Sean asked as we strolled through a mall.

“Well, my mom likes snowmen things, but only if they’re blue. She likes them more if they’re dark blue but she will accept light blue ones as well. She also loves anything with a butterfly on it and recently got into making and drinking tea. My dad is obsessed with his Kindle and food.”

“Hmmmm.” Sean looked around and pulled me through the mall. I know this is probably shocking, because I LOVE shopping, but holiday shopping is something I’m not that into because of the crowds and how rude people can be. Plus, my parents are deceptively hard to shop for, especially my dad.

After a few hours Sean and I left the mall with some fancy chocolate truffles, an Amazon Kindle gift card, and a cover for the Kindle with a built in light on it for my dad. For my mom Sean found a cute little stuffed animal type of snowman, two tea ball infusers, and a garden sculpture of a butterfly with stained glass wings. I’m going to be bring all of his gifts with me, except the garden sculpture (which is from both of us, as is the Kindle reading light cover) and the truffles which he’ll be mailing to me. I was a little touched with how much thought Sean put into the gifts that he got for my parents. I’m not really sure why, I mean, Sean is a thoughtful guy but it was touching to see that he was being just as thoughtful towards my parents as he normally is with me. We grabbed some dinner in the food court and a thought struck me while we were eating.

“Um…should I get a gift for your brother?” I asked randomly.

Sean looked at me stiffly.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I just thought that since you weren’t going to come home with me you’d make other plans. No one should be alone on Christmas.”

“I’ll just hang out with the guys.”

“They aren’t visiting family?”

“Well, Lou isn’t. He doesn’t have one, we’ll probably just order Chinese food and watch It’s a Wonderful Life on cable.”

“Wait, what? Lou doesn’t have a family?”

“No.” Sean shook his head, “His parents were murdered when he was a kid in a convenience store robbery, his little brother died three years ago from a drug overdose, and his grandmother passed away shortly after from cancer.”

“That’s so sad.” I said.

“Yeah, his mom was pregnant when she died too. They weren’t able to save it. Lou would have had a sister.”

I was shocked at how coldly Sean was able to recite this information. Part of me wondered if it hit too close to home for him and detaching himself from it was a coping mechanism.

“Sean…” I said tentatively, “Why don’t you talk to your brother.”

“Can we not get into this? He’s not part of my life, that’s really all that matters.”

I let it go and we finished dinner shortly after. I bought gifts for Lou and the other band members (a matching scarf set for Eddie and Jake, a guitar pick-shaped hole-puncher that you can use on old gift cards or credit cards to make your own picks for Guy, a clipboard with a calculator on it and a pen storage compartment for Karen, and a gourmet cheese sampler for Lou which Sean promised me he would love) once we started walking around again. I think I’ll probably get Sean that same guitar pick maker thing because he seemed really interested in it (and a little jealous I wasn’t buying it for him). I paused before we left, though.

“What’s up?” Sean said when he noticed I had fallen back.

“Should we get something for Gerry?” I asked.

Sean looked at me for a moment, incredulous.

“You’ve known him for a long time. He’s going through a rough patch.”

“Without work I don’t really know what to get him. A card that says, ‘congrats on not killing yourself’?”

“Sean, that’s kind of rude.” I said surprised at his words, “He really could have died, you know. You said he moved into his own apartment, could we send him some pots and pans or something?”

“Fine.” He said trudging back into the mall with me. We didn’t get Gerry a set of pots and pans, instead, we ended up buying him a welcome sign for his front door that had music notes on it and some pretzels dipped in chocolate.

I think bringing up Gerry was probably stupid, in hindsight, but I think now that he’s getting help, Sean should try and rebuild what they had or at least make a good will gesture to at least let Gerry know that he knows he’s alive and okay. Bringing up Paul was also stupid. I knew it was a taboo topic and Sean had previously made it clear it was off-limits but I don’t like the idea of Sean and Lou sitting around in an apartment on Christmas, alone. Had I known about Lou’s past beforehand I probably would have insisted that he come to my parents’ house for the holidays as well, since I’ve gotten to know him a bit better since Sean’s arrest, but it’s too late now.

Managed

I haven’t gone back to my apartment since the break-in and I probably will need to soon to pick up more clothes, Murphy’s food, and my mail but I’m going to do that this weekend. It’s been kind of nice, though, temporarily living with Sean. I think he’s been enjoying it, too. He came home from a gig last night in a great mood.

“Are you hungry? I made spaghetti for dinner and left some warming in the oven.”

“Aw, yes, thanks.” He went into the kitchen and then came out and sat next to me on the couch with a bowl of spaghetti and the leftover garlic bread. Murphy sat next to him licking his chops in vain hope.

“We got our new temporary manager tonight. She’s pretty cool. She’s not like Gerry at all.”

“Oh?” I asked, “How is she different?”

“Well, she doesn’t try to micromanage anything and she just lets us go with the flow. Like, Gerry would make our set lists and outline strict schedules we all had to abide by but we didn’t have to do anything like that tonight, it was nice, it was sort of like we were back in Guy’s garage just having a jam session.”

“What’s her name?” I asked.

“Karen.”

“Do you think she’d be okay with me coming to watch you play? I know Gerry hated that.”

“I don’t think she’d have a problem with that.” Sean smiled, “This is good, what did you put in this?”

“Oh, I used a six cheese blend for the sauce and I bought special garlic infused spaghetti. Have you gotten any more updates about Gerry?”

“Yeah, he and his daughter have been able to reconcile and she isn’t going to transfer the power of attorney to a medical board. He’s going to have to stay in the hospital and is in a mandatory therapy program. One thing’s for sure, he is not coming back to work. Our label received his resignation today.”

“So, what does that mean for you and the band?”

“Well, it means that we could either take Karen on as our new tour manager or she can be a temp until we find a new one. The guys don’t really like anyone we’ve met with so far so we might end up just signing with Karen if she works out for the next month and a half. We don’t have to make a decision until Gerry’s contract would have been up, so we have time if she doesn’t work out but, honestly, I think we’ll want to have her as our tour manager, she meshes well with all of us and she doesn’t have such a Debbie Downer air about her. Things just don’t seem as serious…with Gerry it always felt like a life or death situation.”

“So, Gerry just gave his resignation? Just like that?”

“Yeah, it sounds like he wants to work on things with his daughter, especially after he realized that she’s got a kid and a husband. I think he realized how much he was missing out. Guy said that Gerry asked if he could move in with her but she said no.”

“Oh.” I said feeling bad for Gerry.

“She is going to help him find an apartment close by, though. She told him that she thinks it’s important he have some independence considering how absorbed he lets himself get into things.”

“Well, she has a point there.”

“No kidding.”

Sean and I sat in a comfortable silence while we watched television; we even cuddled for awhile before retiring to go to bed. I tried to initiate some fun but Sean shut me down.

“We haven’t had sex since before the break-in.” I mumbled.

Sean sighed as he put his pajamas on.

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“I know you’re mad at me Sean, but come on! Withholding sex? Really?”

“It’s not that…”

Sean sat on the edge of the bed next to me. He sounded defeated.

“Faith, you understand that the problems I had at the beginning of our relationship…I guess technically it was the middle of our relationship…anyway, the problems I had, before, were emotionally based, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m kind of not sure that I’ll be able to work right because of your lying and how it’s made me feel.”

“Oh.” I said quietly, “Do you think this is going to be like starting all over again?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Can we try and see where it goes?”

Sean was quiet for awhile while he considered the idea and then suddenly, he pulled me to him and started kissing me gently and then more urgently like he’d realized how much he wanted this too. We had sex and everything worked fine, afterward, Sean was almost relieved about how things had worked out and I don’t blame him. He was so unhappy when we were struggling with all of this before that I’m relieved too, starting all over would have been too much, I think, for either of us.

Recaps and Speculation

I went to work to face the concerned looks of Steve, Dina, and Suzy as soon as I walked in. I explained to them everything that had happened over lunch.

“Wait, Sean’s manager tried to kill himself?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, apparently he checked himself into a hospital three states over because he was feeling suicidal and then tried to do it while he was waiting for a psych evaluation. He tried to hang himself with a bed sheet and was placed on a 5150 psych hold the night of the break-in following his suicide attempt. He’s been placed on it indefinitely…” I said recanting the information I found out from another visit from Guy the night before.

Guy had come over with more information on Gerry’s state (he’s stable and lucid) late last night. He had decided to see if any of the other guys would sign the power of attorney, but no one can drop everything and move to be with Gerry since they don’t even know when he’s going to get out of the hospital. They’re all pretty distraught.

“Why is he so far away?” Dina asked.

“That’s where his daughter lives. Apparently he’s been keeping tabs on her for awhile but never plucked up the courage to actually make contact with her after he and his ex-wife divorced. It wasn’t a pretty divorce either. Guy thinks Gerry went there to reconnect with his daughter but wasn’t emotionally ready and had a breakdown before voluntarily checking himself into the psych ward.”

“I can’t believe Sean didn’t know any of this about Gerry.” Dina said, and Steve nodded in agreement.

“Gerry got divorced a few years before he discovered the band. Sean said Gerry’s never talked about his personal life and everyone just figured he was too much of a workaholic to have one.”

“Wait, so this means that Gerry didn’t break into your apartment, right?” Suzy asked.

“Yeah, the police confirmed it. Gerry has a rock solid alibi for the night of the break-in…an alibi that involves an indefinite psych hold.”

“So who was it?” Suzy asked taking a bite of salad.

“The police still don’t know. Sean and I were so positive it was Gerry, any other possible person just seems impossible now that we know it wasn’t him.”

“Not even Kevin?” Dina asked looking at me.

“I don’t think so. He hasn’t been in contact with me since I quit, it seems a little ridiculous that he would suddenly break into my apartment. I’m pretty sure Kevin was taller than the person I saw. Whoever was there didn’t even do anything. All the damage was done by Murphy. I’m starting to think it was just a random break in that Sean and I interrupted before anything could be stolen.”

“Well, I know that happens.” Steve said, “A friend of mine was robbed about a year ago. They caught the person after two more break-ins; it was someone in my friend’s building.”

“Well, the police interviewed my neighbors, so hopefully if it was someone in the building, one of them saw something or heard something. The police are still working on everything, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they never find the person.”

I shrugged and continued to eat my sandwich. Suzy changed the subject to the office gossip and our lunch went by without anymore mention of my recent problems.

Tension

I woke up unsure if everything from the night before had really happened until I realized I was in Sean’s bedroom. My heart sank a little when I realized that it wasn’t all a dream. When I walked out of the bedroom Sean was sitting at his computer with a cup of coffee.

“Morning.” I said unsure of what kind of mood he was going to be.

“Hey.” He said looking over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at some management offers we got a few days ago.”

“Sean, look-”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not, you’re upset.”

“Faith, I’m going to be mad for awhile. It’s going to take me some time to feel comfortable trusting you again.”

He sighed and then turned back to the computer.

“Sean, I don’t know how to act around you. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I feel like I can’t talk to you.”

Sean spun around in the chair and gestured for me to come over and sit on his lap. He put his arms around my waist when I sat down and kissed my cheek.

“I want you to talk to me Faith. If you talked to me more I don’t think we’d have this problem, right now. The truth is I am still angry with you but I don’t want you to feel like I’m about to go off over any small thing. I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me things. I’m more hurt than mad that you felt like you needed to keep something so big a secret.”

“But you understand why I did it, right?”

“Yeah, you thought I’d track Gerry down and hurt him.”

“It’s a little more than that, too.”

“Oh?”

“Sean, ever since we started dating, Gerry has been trying to make you decide between me and the band. You know I would never make you choose, I would rather break up with you than make you choose. Gerry coming over and doing what he did was a way to make you choose, even if he wasn’t consciously aware of it. I knew that if I told you it would give Gerry what he wants. You would either choose me and Gerry would get to tout how uncommitted you are to the band and how he was right all along or you would choose the band and Gerry would have his perfect career plan. Me not telling you about it was a way to protect you from being forced to choose.”

Sean was quiet for awhile while he thought about what I said.

“You have to know that I was going to tell you. I was going to do it after my birthday. I didn’t expect you to find out while I was talking to a police officer.”

Sean laughed.
“I don’t think that’s how anyone expects to find out about something like that.”

“Fair enough.” I giggled.

There was a knock on Sean’s door and we both stood up. I went into the kitchen to feed Murphy while Sean answered the door.

“Guy? What’s going on?” Guy walked in the door and immediately started talking.

“We’ve got a problem, man. Gerry’s been committed to a psychward.”

“What? Slow down.”

“He’s been in a hospital on a psych hold since our last gig. I just got a call from his daughter, he wasn’t there because he was checking himself into the hospital.”

“Gerry has a daughter?”

“That was my first thought, too. Apparently she hasn’t seen or heard from him in 12 years, she figured he died. Gerry gave them her phone number when he was admitted. She phone my number in his phone and called it.”

“Whoa. Wait, I thought Jake talked to him when he didn’t show for our last gig?”

“He did, but it must have been before Gerry checked himself in. His daughter says that he’s not going to be released for awhile. He tried to kill himself last night, man.”

Sean sat down on a chair while Guy paced around the front door. I didn’t know what to do but ultimately decided to go and comfort Sean. Guy barely noticed I was there because he was so panicked.

“His daughter wants to sign Gerry’s power of attorney over to one of us so we can make health decisions for him.”

“What!?” Sean looked up.

“His daughter doesn’t know anything about him, she wants to wash her hands of it and go back to thinking he’s dead.”

“That’s so sad.” I whispered without thinking.

“I think you should do it.” Guy said looking at Sean.

“What? No way! I can’t.”

“I can’t either, and you know no one else is going to step up.”

“Where is he, exactly?”

“He’s in a hospital three states over.”

“No way! Absolutely not! None of us can do that! His daughter is going to have to find someone else. I can’t move three states over.”

“Sean, he’s been with us from the beginning, we can’t just abandon him.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do, Guy. Gerry and I have been fighting for months; it would be a conflict of interest for me to make medical decisions for him.”

Guy sat down next to Sean, they were both in shock and seemed to be trying o find a way out of this impossible situation. After awhile, Guy sighed and sadly nodded his head.

“I’ll go tell his daughter we can’t help her…or him. It’s just not…”

“Okay, I’ll call the label and let them know, they’ll be able to set us up with a temporary manger.”

And with that Guy left. I rubbed Sean’s back and tried to comfort him as best he could. I had a feeling he felt a little responsible for what has happened to Gerry. We sat in silence for a long time before Sean got up to make some phone calls. He’s been pretty quiet since then but I heard him call his therapist and set up an extra appointment. I’m sad for Gerry but I’m proud of Sean for coping with this the healthy way.

Birthday Bummer

(*Note: There's been two posts, make sure to read the one below this one first or you might be really confused*)

I woke up the morning of my birthday with a clear mind and looking forward to my dinner party. I got flowers from Sean delivered to my apartment and put them in a crystal vase before I left for work. They were gorgeous! The bouquet had purple violets and roses with two purple orchids in the center and yellow sprigs of accents flowers. I’ve never gotten such beautiful flowers before and I was touched that Sean did this. I had a feeling he put a lot of effort into picking just the right arrangement and flowers. I was planning on using them for the centerpiece for dinner.

Steve, Suzy, and Dina organized a small birthday party (cupcakes and a card signed by everyone) at work and let me know they were all looking forward to my party later that night. I was so excited but work seemed to take forever and by the time I left to meet Sean outside I was bursting at the seams.

“Hey birthday girl!” Sean was leaning on the side of my building when I came out of the front doors.

His hair was windswept and he was wearing a pair of dark jeans, his Chucks, and a heavy gray sweater over a white t-shirt.

“Hey, you. I got the flowers. They’re beautiful. Thank you.” I gave Sean a passionate kiss and a hug before we set off for the grocery store.

I spent about 30 minutes shopping for all of the things I would need for the dinner while Sean picked up the cake and made sure I couldn’t see it by covering it with his jacket. I felt happier than I have in awhile and Sean was giggling with me and flirting. It was nice. He even bought me an obnoxious birthday balloon when we went to check out.

We were still laughing and flirting when I opened the door to my apartment, carrying heavy bags of groceries. Sean went to go put the bags of groceries in the kitchen as I went to tie the balloon onto a chair back. I stepped on something in the hallway though and stopped midway.

“Sean?”

“Yeah?”

“Is Murphy in the kitchen with you?”

“No, why?”

I released the balloon so it bumped up against the ceiling and walked into the kitchen.

“The flowers you sent me were knocked off of the table I left them on. I’m worried that Murphy knocked it over and hurt himself…he usually greets me when I come through the door…”

“He’s probably sleeping or something; do you want me to grab a dustpan?”

“Yeah,” I said looking around.

Sean handed me a dust pan but then pulled me to him and we started making out in my kitchen. He had me up on one of my counters when I suddenly opened my eyes and screamed. There was a dark figure coming out of my bedroom towards us. Sean spun around and grabbed a knife from a wood block next to me. The figure stopped in my hallway like it was deciding where to go and suddenly ran out my front door and away. Sean tried to run after whoever it was but they lost him. He came back out of breath and told me to call the police.

My hands were shaking and I was struggling not to go into hysterics.

“S-Sean…M-Murphy…find him.” I squeaked out while I dialed the phone.

I reported the break-in and the dispatcher told me she would send some police officers over to the apartment as soon as possible. When I got off the phone Sean came around the corner holding Murphy.

“He was under the couch, shaking. I think he was scared of whoever was here.”

He handed him to me and then held me. As we were standing in the kitchen waiting for the police, Zoey walked through my open front door.

“Hey, guys…what’s going on?” She looked around bewildered.

“Someone broke into Faith’s apartment. We just called the police.”

“Oh my God! Faith do you want me to call everyone and tell them not to come?”

I nodded and gave her the list of people who were supposed to come and their phone numbers. She stepped into the hall and started calling people. Within a few minutes two police officers were looking through my apartment while another one was talking to Sean and I about what happened. We had just finished telling them everything when Zoey came in to stand next to me. The officer was writing everything down and then started asking me questions.

“Have you ever received any odd gifts from a stranger or a secret admirer? Any unexplained notes?”

“No…nothing like that…well, my ex-boyfriend Kevin sent me some morbid stuff after we broke up. We didn’t end on good terms but I haven’t seen anything like that since I got my new job.”

“What!?” Sean recoiled away from me in shock. I realized that I had never told him about the strange bereavement card or the flowers that Kevin claimed weren’t from him and I downplayed how crazy Kevin went around the time I quit.

“Sean, it’s not like that, he wouldn’t admit to sending the stuff but he was just playing with my head.”

“What did he send you?” The officer asked cutting Sean off and leaving him to stew in his shock and anger.

“A bereavement card that said, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ when we broke up and a bouquet of flowers when we were together. It didn’t have a note.”

“Has your ex-boyfriend been in contact with you since you quit your job?”

“No.”

“But he knows where you live?”

“Yes.”

“You said you ended on bad terms, can you tell me what that means?”

“I found out he was lying to me about being involved with someone else. We worked together and he wasn’t handling it professionally at work. When I decided to quit and turn in my resignation to him he tried to grope me and take my shirt off.”

“Did you press charges?”

“No, I just wanted to leave everything behind. He was drunk when it happened and I loved my old newspaper company, just not him being my boss. I didn’t want to cause them any extra legal troubles.”

“Is there anyone else who might want to hurt you or break into your apartment?”

There was a beat of silence and I looked at Sean.

“Ma’am?”

“Who, Faith?” Sean urged.

“Gerry. That’s my boyfriend’s tour manager. He came over about a week ago and tried to scare me into breaking up with Sean. He grabbed my arm and tried to restrain me when I refused but my cat attacked him. He told me that I’m the reason he was going to lose his job and that he couldn’t let that happen; that I needed to be put in my place and that I was controlling Sean’s life so I could be the band’s tour manager. He was not in the right mind and was clearly upset. That’s why I didn’t tell you Sean. I was going to; I was just waiting for the right time.”

“How could you not tell me this!?” Sean was yelling and bright red.

“Sean! Now isn’t the time, okay?” Zoey cut in and gave Sean a warning stare, “She has more important things to focus on right now, don’t you think?”

Sean crossed his arms and looked away, it was pretty obvious that he was incredibly pissed at me and that I was in some serious trouble later. The officer was eyeing both of us and then saw the black and purple bruise on my arm and looked at Sean.

“It wasn’t him, it was Gerry.” I said acidly.

“Do you want to press charges against Gerry?”

“No.”

Sean squirmed next to me and Zoey shifted uncomfortably.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. He wasn’t in his right mind. He was upset.”

“How did he find your address?”

“He told me he followed Sean after work one night and then came back the next day.”

Sean moved almost like he’d been electrocuted but didn’t say anything.

“Okay, I’m going to ask you to do a walkthrough of your apartment to see if anything was stolen.”

I followed the officer and looked all over my apartment but the only thing that was missing was my toothbrush and the only thing that was damaged was the vase Sean’s flowers had been in. I figured Murphy got up and knocked the flowers over, possibly trying to get away from whoever had been here and he’s knocked my toothbrush on the floor before so I figured he did it again and it was hiding under a shelf or something but I was too shook up to really look for it.

After a few hours, the police left and I was alone with Sean and Zoey. I had been struggling to keep myself composed since I saw the dark figure moving towards me and the emotional exhaustion was starting to take its toll. I walked back to the kitchen after closing the door behind the police and caught Sean and Zoey whispering to each other. They stopped as soon as they saw me.

“I don’t really feel comfortable staying here…” I said, my voice was hoarse.

“I’ll take you and Murphy to my place, Zoey already offered to drive us. You should go pack a bag; I’m going to run to the store to buy a disposable cat box and I should be back in 20 minutes, okay?”

Zoey threw Sean her keys before he hugged me and left. She then started collecting various things for Murphy: his food dish, his small cat bed, a bag of food, two or three toys, and the security blanket he’s had since he was at the adoption shelter. I started packing a bag and realized about halfway through that I had no idea how long it would take for me to want to come back to my apartment so I packed enough clothes for a week and hoped I was over-packing. I threw a bag of toiletries together and added it to my suitcase when Sean walked through the door.

The ride to Sean’s apartment was silent except for the moments where Murphy meowed out of nervousness (he tends to associate the car with the vet so I don’t blame him) and the noise of the city. Neither of us said a word until Zoey dropped us off. She helped us carry everything upstairs and I went to see her off while Sean set up the cat box for Murphy.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I think so,” I said with an air of detachment.

“I didn’t mean about this, I meant about you and Sean. He seems really pissed, Faith.”

“I’m in a lot of trouble,” I conceded, “but I think we’ll be able to work through this. I mean, he didn’t need to offer his apartment to me, he knew you could have easily taken me in. It will be unpleasant but I…I have to believe things will be okay right now because I don’t know if I can handle losing Sean right after losing Elise and now this…I should have told him as soon as it happened. Why am I so stupid?” I asked, sighing, and leaning against her car to look up at Sean’s apartment.

“You’re not stupid,” she said hugging me, “You were afraid. When we’re scared we don’t think clearly.” She smiled warmly which caused a feeling embarrassment to start creeping over me.

“Why did you show up so early, Zoey?” I asked changing the subject.

“I thought you’d want some help setting up for the party.” She said.

She looked at her watch and then looked at me.

“How long are you going to avoid going up there?” She asked with a smirk.

“I don’t know. I don’t really want to. I’m exhausted, it’s amazing how drained a person can feel after being terrified. This is the second time this week I’ve felt that way, too. At least I don’t have to expend the energy hiding everything anymore.”

“Hey,” she said looking at me, “I’ll go get your stuff and load it up in the car right now if you want me to. I have that extra guest room.”

“No,” I said sighing and committing myself to talking to Sean, “He deserves an explanation. I can’t hide from this forever, especially now that it seems Gerry really is unstable enough to hurt me.”

“Okay, well, if things get to be too much you can call me and I’ll be here in 15 minutes.”

“I will.”

“I mean it, Faith,” She said holding my shoulders, “no matter how late it is.”

Zoey gave me one more hug before getting in her car and leaving. I took a few moments before going upstairs to face Sean. He was sitting at his dining room table with two glasses of hot chocolate; Murphy was sitting next to him on the tabletop flicking his tail.

“Hi.” I said meekly closing the door behind me.

“Hi. I thought you might want something to eat so I’m toasting an Italian sub for us in the oven.”

I realized how hungry I was as soon as the smell from the kitchen hit me and I thanked Sean before I sat down at the table across from him. Murphy meowed and walked over to sit near me as I took a sip from my cup.

“I was going to tell you.” I said looking at my cup.

“But you didn’t. At least not until you were forced to.” He got up and went to the kitchen before I could respond.

I sat there and stroked Murphy until Sean came back and set down a plate in front of me with half a sandwich and some apple slices on it.

“I just wanted some time to try and figure out the best way to tell you. I wanted to get all of my thoughts about what happened in order because I knew you’d be upset and one of us needed to keep a straight head after you’d been told.”

“Faith, this isn’t the first time you’ve lied to me by omission. How can you expect me to trust you when you do things like this?”

“Sean, the stuff with Kevin was in the past, I told you I didn’t think it was relevant. I didn’t know how concerned you were about it which is why I didn’t think to tell you.”

“But then I told you how much it concerned me and you still omitted stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that he sent you those creepy things. A bereavement card? Really?”

“I didn’t purposefully omit those things, Sean, I honestly forgot all about it until the police officer asked me about weird gifts.” My voice was tight with emotion but I tried to control it. I knew if I let myself succumb to the trauma of what we had just dealt with surface I wouldn’t be able to stop it.

Sean sighed and we ate in silence. When we were both finished he got up and took our plates to head towards the kitchen.

Over his shoulder he said, “I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight.”

I sat at the table for a few moments letting that decision sink in before heading into the kitchen.

“Sean, this is your apartment, I’ll sleep on the couch. Plus, you can’t sleep with light streaming through the windows.”

“No. Just go to bed, Faith.”

I stood in the kitchen doorway a little hurt by what he was saying before I decided to just give up and let Sean be a martyr on the couch. After putting on an oversized t-shirt and crawling into bed I sat in the middle of it with my chin on my knees. Sean came in holding something after a few minutes of me sitting there unable to turn off my mind.

“Here,” He said handing me a small box.

“What is this?” I asked looking at the box with confusion.

“It’s your birthday present. I was going to give it to you tomorrow but I think it’s safe to say that our special date isn’t going to be happening so soon.”

I took the box and opened it and then looked at Sean.

“It’s really sweet, Sean. I love it.” He had given me a silver necklace with a crystal music note on it.

“I love you, too,” I added when I realized he wouldn’t look at me, “Sean, please.”

I reached for his hand but he moved away before we connected and headed into the bedroom’s private bathroom. He came back out and sat down next to me.

“I also got you this.” He said handing me something inside a plastic CVS bag.

I opened it and looked at Sean before I enthusiastically hugged him. It was a blue toothbrush with a small red ribbon tied around the neck. It happened all at once: the hug, my crying, and then my sobbing. The emotion that I had been trying to hold back for hours had finally been allowed to surface and Sean just held me. He didn’t have to say anything, I knew things would be okay, eventually.

Missing

Shortly after Molly left Sean came over after finishing a gig. He plunked down next to me and grabbed a leftover slice of pizza from the coffee table before asking me about my day.

“It was uneventful. How was your gig?” I asked trying to sound nonchalant. There’s no way Gerry’s scratches would have healed by now and they were all over his face. Sean was bound to mention it.

“It was fine but Gerry wasn’t there, so that was really weird. Jake talked to him over the phone, though, so we know he’s not dead or in a hospital somewhere.” Sean laughed.

“Doesn’t the tour manager have to be at every show?” I asked.

“Not really, it’s just weird because Gerry has never missed a show since he’s been our manager, so it’s only weird because it’s Gerry missing a show not some other tour manager. Maybe it’s a sign that he’s starting to branch out, maybe he’s getting a social life now that he knows we aren’t renewing his contract, you know?”

“Yeah,” I said, “maybe.”

“Are you getting excited about your dinner party?” Sean asked.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” I said, “really excited.”

“You seem distracted…” Sean said reaching for another slice of left over pizza.

“Oh, I’m just planning the party out in my head, you know, just making sure I haven’t forgotten anything for the grocery list.”

“Well, personally, I think you should be excited.”

“Why is that?” I asked pulling myself away from the things Molly had said that were swirling through my mind.

“Because I got you the best birthday present ever.”

“Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“Nope.”

“Jerk.” I fake pouted.

We sat in a comfortable silence while I channel surfed until Sean perked up with a question from left field.

“How have you been dealing with the whole Elise fallout?”

“Well, if I’m being honest with myself, I thought I’d be more upset about losing someone I was close friends with but I feel relieved more than anything.”

“I can kind of tell.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, don’t get mad, but you were kind of mean when that stuff really started getting out of control.”

“What?”

“You were just kind of snappy all the time, I mean that mini-fight-that-turned-out-to-be-a-misunderstanding-thing about Gerry’s contract and him still being at shows wasn’t your usual self. You usually let me talk before expressing your concerns. I mean…you’ve never made me guess why you were mad before that.”

I thought about what Sean was saying and he was completely right. I have been pretty short with him these past few weeks.

“I’m really sorry, Sean. You deserve to be treated better than that.”

“It’s no big deal, I get that you were under a lot of pressure, especially with Anna and the whole not-wanting-Zoey-to-know thing. I get it.” He kissed my forehead and I drifted back into the conversation Molly and I had had only a few hours earlier.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sean asked, snapping me out of my guilt.

“Sure, just planning for the big party again.” I tried to giggle convincingly.

I was, of course, lying to Sean. The truth is that my talk with Molly had been bothering me a lot and I couldn’t seem to get her voice out of my head. When Sean and I went to sleep that night I was really restless and had a hard time falling asleep. It was like this the whole next day, too.

Tonight I finally sat down and thought about everything and my reasons behind not wanting to tell Sean about what happened with Gerry. I made a list of pros and cons and debated them with Murphy’s help for the better part of my evening and I’ve decided that I am going to tell Sean but I’m going to need a few days to figure out how to tell him and how to explain it to him so he doesn’t immediately go out and try to kill Gerry or hate me for not telling him immediately. My plan is to tell him the day after our special birthday date since neither of us have anywhere to be and I won’t feel rushed explaining things.

Spook

I’ve decided to have a dinner party to celebrate my upcoming birthday and invited Anna, Zoey, Molly, Sean and his friends, and Suzy, Dina, and Steve from work. I’m going to be making pot roast with roasted vegetables, mashed potatoes and gravy, and dinner rolls for the entrée, a wedge salad with homemade ranch dressing, bacon crumbles, and parmesan cheese for a starter, and for dessert Sean wanted to get me a marble cake as a surprise. I’m also going to make those stuffed mushrooms that Sean really likes as an appetizer for my guests. I’m really excited about this. I know most people wouldn’t want to cook for hours on their birthday but I’ve never done a dinner party before and I’ve been getting a lot better with my cooking skills.

Suzy, Dina, and Steve were all really excited for the party and responded to my e-vites (which I sent out over lunch) right away. Everyone else responded later tonight except for Sean’s friends which he’s going to invite after their gig tonight. My social life is starting to fill up pretty quick because Molly wanted to come over with a pizza and some Netflix movies tonight (she just left, but I’ll come back to that) and I’m going to go on a shopping date with Anna for more maternity clothes next week and Zoey is coming with us. Molly and Zoey and I are going to hang out and go thrifting a little later this week and Sean and I are going to go grocery shopping for my dinner party the day of my birthday and then he’s going to take me out for a lavish date the day after!

I haven’t been so socially busy in a long time and it’s exciting. It also helps me keep my mind off of the Gerry thing. Speaking of Gerry, Molly practically invited herself over tonight and I had a feeling she was going to drill me about the unexplained bruise on my arm.

“I’ve got pepperoni with extra cheese, some ice cold sodas, and four Netflix movies with our names on them!” She trilled as I let her into my apartment.

I grabbed some plates and cups from my kitchen and met her on the couch. We decided to watch Sleeping with the Enemy first and it didn’t take long before Molly was trying to awkwardly ask me about my bruise.

“So….how’s everything going?”

“Fine.”

“Are you going to need help with cooking for the dinner party?”

“Sean’s helping me.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Oh.”

I looked at Molly, who had a sour expression on her face.

“What’s wrong? You like Sean.”

“I don’t like him if he’s hitting you, Faith!”

I looked at Molly with my mouth gaping in astonishment and confusion.

“My sister was in an abusive relationship and I-”

“WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Sean has never hit me Molly.”

“Then why are you lying about how you got that bruise?”

“…it’s…complicated. And besides…you heard me lie to Sean about my bruise. Why would I lie to him about how I got if he’s the one who did it?”

“Faith, who is hurting you?”

“It’s nothing, Molly. I bumped it.”

“No. You didn’t.”

Molly’s tone made it very clear that she wasn’t leaving until I answered her with the truth and I just gave up trying to avoid letting everything out.

“Sean’s tour manager came over the other day and we got into an argument. He grabbed me out of frustration and left shortly thereafter,” Molly’s face was filled with disgust, “He lost control for one minute, it was a mistake.”

Molly gave me a skeptical look and I told her the whole story.

“You have to tell Sean about this!”

“No.”

“Faith!”

“I can’t. If Sean finds out he might attack Gerry or risk his position in the band and I can’t let him do that because Gerry wants to play the stern father-figure. His contract isn’t being renewed so I only have to put up with him for three more months and then I never have to worry about him again.”

I was bordering on hysterical and was panicking with the thought of Molly telling Sean.

“You can’t tell him Molly!” I added.

“I’m not going to tell him, Faith, but you’re going to have to tell him at some point. He’ll find out some day, that’s usually how lies work out.”

“I’m technically just lying by omission, though.”

“No you’re not. He asked you what happened to our arm after Zoey’s party.”

“Dammit. I don’t think there will ever need to be a reason to tell him if I can make it until January.”

“And what’s going to happen if Gerry comes back? He knows where you live. He could come back and hurt you again. What are you going to do if you do have to see him again? Or, what if he’s able to reconcile with Sean and they renew his contract?”

“Molly, you’re raining on my poorly laid out plan.”

“The guy stalked your boyfriend to figure out where you live and then waited until he left so he could isolate you.”

“When you put it like that it sounds so wrong. Gerry doesn’t have anything else besides the band, Molly. He has no family, no kids, just his job and he thinks I’m the reason for that going south. It’s understandable that he would be so upset.”

“Faith, listen to yourself: ‘He thinks I’m the reason for that going south.’ Yeah…he sees you as the one obstacle standing between him and the only thing he has in his life. How unstable is he? Could he try to kill you?”

“You’re over-exaggerating.” I said reaching for another slice of pizza and trying to get that possibility out of my head.

“Really? Because I don’t think you’re taking it seriously enough.”

“I can’t press charges without letting Sean know, Molly. I’m stuck between hurting someone I love and taking the path of least resistance.”

“This isn’t your fault! Sean’s problems with Gerry aren’t because of you! It’s because he wants to micromanage and obsessively control everything about the band.”

I got really quiet. Molly has a point but it’s such an impossible decision. Sean could lose everything if I tell him about this and I just can’t do that to him. I think Molly could tell I was having a personal crisis and thankfully changed the subject to the movie. She didn’t bring the Gerry situation up for the rest of the night but she gave me a really strong hug when she left, almost like she was worried she might not see me again. Our whole conversation gave me the heebie-jeebies.

G-Force

Sean and I went to breakfast after our ice cream-filled make-up sex after we woke up and it was really nice. I feel like we haven’t been out together outside of our apartments since our anniversary. This stuff with Elise has really been affecting more of my life than I realized, I think. Anyway, he had to go interview another potential manager with the guys afterward so I went back to my apartment to get some errands done since Veronica gave me the day off from work.

I was brushing Murphy when someone knocked on my door. I figured Sean had left something but thought it was weird that he had knocked instead of using his key.

“Um, Hi Gerry.”

“Faith.” Gerry gave a slight nod to acknowledge my greeting.

“How did you find out where I live?”

“I followed Sean here last night.”

The sound of the alarm bells that had slowly started building in my head when I first saw Gerry were clanging at this point.

“Oh…uh…well Sean isn’t here so…” I started to close the door, but Gerry stopped it.

“I actually wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Can I come in?”

I thought about all of the reasons I shouldn’t let Gerry in: I was completely alone, except for Murphy, my cell phone was dead and I don’t have a landline, and the majority of my neighbors were at work.

“Uh…sure but I’m kind of in a hurry right now.”

“This’ll only take a minute.”

I stepped aside to let him in and closed the door. I lead him into my kitchen and offered him a glass of water but he declined.

“I guess I should just cut to the chase,” He said as I leaned against a counter, “I don’t like you. I think you’re bad for the band and for Sean. He’s been completely unreliable since meeting you and I will not have that anymore.”

I felt bad for Gerry. He looked like he was struggling to maintain such a calm demeanor as he said this to me and rather than be rude, I chose a more polite approach. Murphy came in around the corner to see who was talking cautiously.

“Gerry, we got off on the wrong foot, if you just got to know me you’d-”

“Not interested.” He crossed his arms and snorted in disgust. I didn’t let this deter me and continued on.

“I’m not a threat to the band, Gerry. Sean and I barely talk about his music work; he’s very private about it and I don’t try to insert myself. We are simply a couple; I don’t have any ulterior motives with him at all.”

“Oh please. You do nothing but distract him! I’ve seen it all, making out in a hallway like a twenty-dollar whore, making eyes at him while he’s on stage, every sign is there, you even bring your sleazy friends with you like the drunk one I had to pull off of him and throw out the other night.”

“Really?” I asked, my insides starting to boil, “Because I was under the impression that you were always too glued to your phone to notice anything about other people and that’s why the only thing you have is the band. For crying out loud, you couldn’t even muster a smile when Jake and Eddy got engaged.”

“You’re talking about things you don’t understand,” he said taking a step towards me, “if you don’t talk to Sean about the band then you should stay out of it and stop telling me what I should do. I’m their manager and I know what’s good for them.”

“You’re not going to be their manager next year. Sean told me he told you they weren’t renewing your contract last night and I know everyone else is on board with the decision too.” I said calmly, “And if you really knew what was good for them then you would never have asked Sean to stop seeing his therapist.”

“He’s only seeing that shrink because you told him to.”

“No, Gerry, you’re wrong. Seeing a therapist was a suggestion I made because Sean was having some problems, he made the decision himself and I have seen him make progress because of it. He’s continued with his therapy because he wanted to. Besides you’re only his manager, you have no right to tell him what to do. He’s an adult and I don’t tell him to do anything. We discussed his issues as two people who were in a relationship, that’s clearly something you don’t understand.”

“You need to stop seeing him; you’re not good for him. You think you’re doing him a favor or something by being with him, I’ve been around since the kid started. I know the potential he has and you’ve done nothing but make him waste it. He cares more about you than he does about anything else and he’s got too much talent to waste it on you as his new manager.”

“I-WHAT? I am not a music manager! I work in the news business. I’m an HR rep…I’m not even a journalist!”

“Cut the crap, I see right through you-“

I was absolutely shocked and the more Gerry talked the more deranged he seemed to become. Murphy was meowing at my feet and the noise seemed to agitate Gerry.

“Gerry why did you even bother to come here if you’re not even going to listen to me?”

“Because, I’m here to tell you that you need to stop seeing Sean.”

I let his words hang in the air to let them sink in. I thought he’d see how absurd he was sounding but his face didn’t show a single hint of joking.

“Well, you may think you have the right to tell Sean how to live his life because you’re his manager but you do not have the right to tell me what to do and the relationship I have between Sean is between me and him…not the three of us. So I guess my answer to you is: no, I will not stop seeing Sean as long as he still wants to be with me and he does which means you’re out of luck.”

Gerry’s expression got angrier and angrier while I spoke and he lunged forward to grab me by the arm.

“What are you do- OW. Get off of me!” He had pushed me up against my pantry door and had tightened his grip on my arm so much that it was pinching off the circulation. He leaned close to my face so I could feel his breath on my cheek.

“You listen to me you little bitch, I will not let you take away my career. I’ve worked hard for it and I’ve lost everything to get where I am and-”

Gerry started screaming and let go of my arm just enough for me to reach a pan to defend myself with. Murphy had gotten on top of the fridge and jumped on Gerry when he pinned me against the pantry. He was scratching at his face and hissing while Gerry was screaming expletives and trying to throw him off him. I was afraid he might hurt Murphy so I reached up and was able to get him off him and held the terrified cat against my chest with one hand and the pan in the other.

“Get out before I call the police. You’re lucky Sean wasn’t here. GET OUT!”

I shook the pan at Gerry, who was bleeding profusely from all sorts of scratches on his face, scalp, and hands, as he backed out of my kitchen. I threatened him with the pan until he was out the door and then I locked and dead bolted it.

After he left I collapsed onto the floor and leaned against the door with Murphy still pressed against my chest. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably while Murphy shook in my arms. After a few minutes I attempted to calm down and realized Murphy’s paw pads were bleeding. He had scratched Gerry with such ferocity that he broke the skin on his own paws. I called my vet to see if I should bring him in but he said that Murphy would most likely be okay since the bleeding had stopped by the time I got a hold of him. He told me that if he starts bleeding again I should bring him in. He’s been reluctant to be more than a foot away from me since Gerry left and I’ve decided not to tell anyone about what happened. If I tell Sean, he’ll attack Gerry, I know he will, and if I tell any of my friends they’ll say I need to go to the police but that will just complicate things and make Gerry even madder than he already is and it will obviously tip off Sean if I press charges against his manager. Once January comes, Gerry will be gone and I’ll never have to see him again, I just won’t go see Sean play until after Gerry is definitely gone.

Icy

I was eating a pint of ice cream in my flannel pajamas, with my hair in a messy bun, and watching a repeat of a trashy reality show when Sean finally showed up. I heard him enter my apartment and hesitate outside my bedroom while he contemplated the best plan of attack. When he came around the corner he had a scared smile on his face that fell at the sight of me.

“Flannel?”

“Yeah. Is there a problem?”

“Well…flannel isn’t very sexy but I can make do.” He went to slide next to me and kiss my cheek. I turned away and put my cold spoon up against his face.

“You’re really trying to go for the comedic approach?”

“Not anymore.”

“Best decision you’ve made all night.” I said putting my ice cream aside and crossing my arms.

“What did I do?”

“I thought you said that the band fired Gerry.”

“We did.”

“No you didn’t. Why are you lying me to me and not even attempting to hide it?”

“Faith, what are you talking about?” Sean could sense my anger coming to a head and his voiced was tinged with desperation. Murphy, sensing a fight, got off the bed and slinked out of the room headed for the sanctuary of his kitty castle. I’m pretty sure Sean watched him leave with jealousy.

“Gerry was there tonight, Sean. I saw him!”

Sean’s face was frozen with confusion and concern for a second before he started laughing. Hard.

“Why are you laughing at me?” I hissed.

“Because, I thought you understood….”

“Understood what?”

“That the music business doesn’t work the same way HR works, Faith. Firing a manager involves a lot more than a severance package when you work in any form of the entertainment business.”

I started blushing and felt incredibly stupid.

“Gerry’s contract isn’t up until January, when I said we fired him I thought you understood that it meant we just wouldn’t be renewing his contract to represent and manage us when it was up. I’m sorry I didn’t think to explain it more…”

“Does Gerry even know? I asked.

“We told him tonight, which is why I was so late. He didn’t take it well.” Sean looked down at his hands, he looked a little ashamed.

“Oh.” I said quietly, “does…does Gerry have a family?” I didn’t mean to ask Sean that, it came out before I could stop it.

“Gerry is a workaholic; he lost his family a long time ago. We’ve given him enough time to start looking for a new band to replace us.”

I didn’t really know what to say. Suddenly, Gerry’s hatred of me was understandable and I started to feel bad. Gerry has been with Sean’s band since the beginning, Sean and his band mates are the only family he really has at this point and he saw me as a threat, not just to his career like I thought, but to his family, as well. I totally get it now.

“So…you gonna share that ice cream?” Sean asked eyeing it on my end table.

“Hell no. Get your own.” I started giggling and Sean pretended to pin me down like a wrestler while he reached for my ice cream. As he went to reach, his belt buckle ripped my pajamas.

“You ripped them! Now I’ll never be able to wear them again!” I said holding the spoon for ransom.

“Good, you should never wear flannel, it should be a fashion crime.”

Sean was able to get the spoon away from me by distracting me with a really steamy kiss but we didn’t end up using it to eat the ice cream. We put it o better use on each other.

Note to self: Cleaning ice cream out of sheets quickly becomes a sticky mess. Invest in rubber sheets….

Friends, Lies, and Phone Calls

“No, Anna! She hit on Wesley and now she’s stuck her tongue down Sean’s throat, I am not going to try and be polite about this? How would you feel if it was Theo?”

Anna and I had been talking on the phone for nearly an hour. After Sean left to interview a new manager with his bandmates I immediately dialed her number and told her about what happened with Elise and Sean.

“Faith, you said she was drunk, she didn’t know-“

“ANNA! Would you please listen to yourself? You are asking me to make nice with someone who attempted to pull off my boyfriend’s pants in the back room of a bar! Elise hasn’t even been a good friend to you, in fact, she’s kind of mean to you. What is your deal?”

Anna was silent on the phone, I had a feeling she was tearing up a little.

“It’s just…Faith you know I don’t like confrontation…”

“I honestly think it’s gotten to the point where Elise and I can no longer be friends, Anna, and you’re first reaction is to tell me to forgive her. I understand that you feel bad about this but people end friendships all of the time and this cannot go on any longer.”

“She’ll hardly be there! I told you, she’s going to be late and she’ll probably leave after making the rounds. Can you at least wait until after Zoey’s party? Please? Zoey already hates surprises and you getting into a fight with Elise within days of it is not going to help anything. Do it for Zoey, Faith.”

I saw Anna’s point but I was still irritated by her refusal to take Elise’s actions at face value. For all I know Elise got drunk to give herself the courage to make out with Sean and impress her friends.

“Faith, please?”

“Fine. But after Zoey’s party I’m cutting her out of my life and I would suggest you do the same. I don’t mean to put you in the middle of this, Anna, but you brought me into this originally and I am not going to put up with her behavior anymore. I’m not her mother and I’m not interested in being called a judgmental bitch by her when I confront her about the advances she made on Sean while you sit next to her quiet as a mouse.”

There was a knock on the door and I told Anna I had to go. When I opened my door Molly was there.

“Hey!” she said as Murphy wound himself in between her legs outside my door. She was holding a gift bag and looked me over, “you’re not even dressed, did you forget about our movie date?”

I deflated instantly. I forgot that I had scheduled myself to see a movie with Molly and grab some lunch and I felt like a horrible person.

“It’s okay; we don’t need to go see a movie.” She said letting herself in and giving me a hug when I started turning bright red.

“I’m sorry, Molly. This is such an asshole thing of me to do. I’m normally really good about keeping my schedule.”

She plopped down on my couch and kicked her shoes off. Murphy started digging in the gift bag she brought which made both of us laugh.

“What is that?” I asked.

“It’s the dress you commissioned from me. I need to do a final fitting and thought today would be good.”

I suddenly felt even worse. I had commissioned Molly to make me a dress nearly a week and a half ago to wear to Zoey’s party and completely forgot about it as well. This whole Elise saga is taking its toll on my sanity, people.

Molly brushed off my sadness quickly and fitted me for it. It’s an emerald green mini cocktail dress and has a halter-styled top. I looked really hot in it and it’s going to fit me like a glove. I’m going to wear black tights, silver strappy high heel sandals, and a statement necklace with it. I might throw on a black cardigan if it’s really cold. I’m going to look fabulous, for sure, though.

We hung around my apartment for awhile while trying to decide on a new movie since our movie time had passed and eventually settled on going to see a movie, grab a bite to eat, and then go and see Sean’s band again. I was looking forward to being able to watch Sean’s band without Gerry shooting daggers at me from across the room, finally, and Molly really liked their music. I told her I’d be her wing woman if she needed it when some hot guy started hitting on her.

I really enjoy spending time with Molly and wouldn’t mind having a weekly date with her. Speaking of weekly dates, Zoey and I have not had one of our Friday night pizza nights in a long time; we should really start that up again…maybe we could invite Molly. I have a feeling Zoey would like her.

I think I’m going to ask Anna if I can bring Molly to Zoey’s party, as well. She offered to help set up with me when I told her I couldn’t hang out with her on the 29^th and I think kicking her out would be pretty rude after she helped with the set up. Plus, we need the help. I’m responsible for picking up the cake, drinks, and a special balloon for Zoey and Anna is in charge of getting to the restaurant and decorating as much as she can, she’s also going to be supervising the various appetizers we’re having catered by the pub, utensils, etc. Molly has a car so it would be an added help especially because trying to navigate public transportation with a cake and balloons would be nearly impossible without some damage.

Anyway, we went to see Sean after having a delicious dinner (the movie was kind of eh) and I was shocked. Gerry was standing by a back hallway on his phone again and he gave me the dirtiest look I have ever seen. I stopped in my tracks and Molly knew something was up.

“Is everything okay?” She asked trying to pull me farther into the bar. I composed myself, waved at Sean (who looked pleased to see me), and then found a booth in the back.

“What is going on?” Molly asked once we’d gotten our drinks from the bar.

“Sean told me the band fired their manager, Gerry, but he’s still here…and he hates me. The night you and I first met he basically called me a slut. I found out afterward that Sean had pulled me in the back that night to get back at Gerry because he’s been making Sean’s life rather difficult. I told Sean that I would not come to see him play anymore ever since that incident because I didn't want to get in the middle of him and Gerry. I thought Gerry wouldn’t be here so I figured it would be fine but they didn’t fire him! He’s still there.” I said surreptitiously pointing to Gerry from behind my beer. He was still scowling but was distracted by his phone.

“Does Sean know how rude he is to you?”

“I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to cause more problems for him; he was in the process of convincing everyone else to fire him so I figured it wasn’t necessary.”

“There’s probably an explanation, Faith.”

“I’m still livid that he lied to me.”

“He might not have, though.”

I nursed my beer until Sean got a break. He came over and kissed me but he could tell I was not in a good mood.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked while Molly pretended to go to the bathroom to give us some privacy.

“We’ll talk about it later.” I said coldly.

“I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Can I get a hint?”

“Nope, I’m going to go.” I said as I saw Molly walk out of the bathroom. I grabbed our coats and we walked out of the bar.

We ended up splitting a cab and now I’m sitting here absolutely seething while I wait for Sean to get off work. I can’t believe he lied to me about Gerry. This doesn’t make sense; he told me earlier today that he was interviewing a new manager but Gerry is still there. Sean told me Gerry had been fired over a week ago! Sean is going to come home to a very pissed off girlfriend.

Guilt

Suzy and Dina started their first day today and seem to be fitting in really well. More importantly, I have lunch pals again. Steve called in sick to work today (he’s been battling a nasty flu since last week) so to celebrate my freedom from vegan Steve for lunch the three of us got double cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and cheese fries.

It wasn’t my best moment, to be fair, and I’m sorry that Steve is sick but I needed to eat a cheeseburger without Steve’s scoffs from across the table. I think he’s just jealous. The cheeseburger I had today would have looked delicious to any of the stuff he’s brought to lunch the past month (lettuce wraps filled with shredded cabbage, shredded carrots with black bean paste, dill pickles wrapped in imitation soy turkey). I like Steve, I really do, but I really liked that cheeseburger too.

Anyway, I told Suzy and Dina about my life so far. I’m going to take them to see Sean’s band next weekend since Gerry is going to be fired and I’m assuming won’t be there. Dina’s going to bring her husband and Suzy is going to bring Stormy, the really egotistical news anchor that writes for our paper as well. I haven’t had to work with him too much but from what I can tell, he’s pretty full of himself. Apparently Suzy and Stormy have already scheduled a date.

“You just started here. Do you really think that’s wise?” I asked Suzy.

“Faith, not everyone ends up being groped in their ex-boyfriend’s office. Give me a little professional credit here. We’re adults.”

“Fair enough.” I said reaching for my milkshake.

Dina wasn’t convinced.

“Suzy, what about the office gossip? I’ve heard that Stormy has systematically made his way through all of the female staffers and interns. The only people he apparently hasn’t slept with are Faith, me, and Veronica.”

“I heard that, too.” I added.

It was true. Dating a co-worker isn’t against the paper’s policy guidelines; the only requirement is that the relationship is disclosed to me so we can file paperwork to cover our asses if a sexual harassment issue comes up. I’ve had to fill out that piece of paperwork for nearly all of the female staffers and Stormy. It seems like a weekly occurrence and from what I’ve heard he just kind of cycles through the women when he gets bored. This is something he does at the news station as well. It’s not very professional but I’m covering my professional bases and staying out of it for now.

“Guys, I just want to have some fun, okay. Besides, he’s a funny guy. He makes me laugh.” Suzy said with an air of finality. “Speaking of office gossip, did you guys know that Steve and Tom are dating?”

“What?” I asked.

“Yeah, I heard Tom talking on his phone on the way in today, he was definitely talking to Steve.”

“Suzy, you’ve been working here for half a day. Only you would figure out the juiciest gossip this fast. You should be an investigative reporter instead of a celebrity gossip columnist.” Dina said before biting into her cheeseburger.

“That’s against our policy, Steve knows that. Why would he risk his job like that?” I mused more to myself than to my friends.

“I don’t know, it sounded like Steve. Tom wished whoever he was talking about to get better and that he couldn’t wait to see him later. He offered to bring them soup.”

“So you don’t actually know if it’s Steve.” I said flatly.

“It’s a hunch, Faith. Don’t be surprised if this is true.” Suzy grabbed the ketchup and squirted it on her fries.

“Whatever.” I chose to change topics because Suzy’s “hunch” wasn’t evidence of a possible relationship between Steve and Tom and I didn’t want to gossip about Steve. It just felt wrong.

I talked to Suzy and Dina about Elise and Zoey and asked them for their advice.

“You should tell her.” Dina said quickly.

“Yeah, you should.” Suzy nodded in agreement.

“But Elise said she’d never do it again and I told her I wouldn’t. And, technically, if Zoey doesn’t ask me about it it’s not really lying.” I said weakly.

“Whatever lets you sleep at night.” Dina said.

“Lying by omission is still lying,” Suzy said, “mark my words, Faith, she’ll find out eventually and she deserves to know. Wouldn’t you want to know if it was Sean?”

I mulled over what Suzy was getting at and now I feel guilty. How am I supposed to keep my promise to Elise (and Anna) while being a good friend to Zoey?

Gray Skies are Gonna Clear up Put on a Happy Face

I stayed the night at Sean’s last night (didn't have sex) and left some really important work stuff by mistake so I decided to go over to his apartment over my lunch hour and pick it up. I used my key to get in but I heard voices coming from his living room. Before I could call out, though, Sean looked around the hallway corner.

“Faith….what are you doing here?” He asked.

“I left some files I needed for work. Did I interrupt something?” I looked at him confused.

I started walking toward Sean and got a glimpse into the living room. Guy, Lou, Eddie, and Jake were sitting in various chairs. I waved meekly and looked back at Sean.

“I left them on your coffee table…” I said, pointing to the green folder in the middle of the room.

Sean picked it up and handed it to me before walking me to the door and hastily wishing me a good-bye. He told me he would explain later and kissed me before going back to the living room. Perplexed, I went back to work and let my imagination fly. Sean had looked almost afraid to see me and the looks on his friends’ faces looked grim. I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t welcome, which made me sad because Jake had always been friendly with me, but not today.

I sent Sean a text before leaving from work:

“Should I come over or are you still busy?”

He sent me a message inviting me over almost immediately and when I got there, he greeted me at the door.

“Gerry’s out.”

“What?” I said. He had taken me off guard; I hadn’t even set down my purse.

“I talked to the guys and we’re going to start looking for an agent. We’re going to fire Gerry.”

“Oh…that’s great, Sean!”

I went to give him a hug but he had other ideas. His mouth met mine while his hands started for my pants. I was a little shocked but went with it as he pulled me into his bedroom, both of us were pantsless and he was working at my shirt by the time he fell on top of me on his bed. Sean got us both naked in record time and we had some of the most passionate sex I’ve ever had. He was on top of me and my hands were gripping the headboard when we were suddenly frozen with shock. We had both finished at the same time; a beat of silence happened when our eyes met before we burst out laughing.

Sean’s euphoria was pretty evident and I might have cried a little bit. He started kissing me while we laughed and I felt a deep sense of closeness to him, not because we’d finally been able to have uninterrupted sex, but because I realized just how special Sean is to me and that he didn’t just have sex with me, he made love to me (and I hate using that term). He rolled off of me and we just kind of laid there in a happy silence. He reached over and held my hand with a deep sigh. I could practically hear Sean’s stress about all of the things going on with him disappear with that sigh.

“I love you.” He said turning his head to look at me.

I smiled at him and moved to snuggle up in the crook of his arm, he kissed my hair and held me in his arms. I moved some of his hair out of his face and told him I loved him too.

Unfortunately, I had a very hungry cat at home and had to go but I told Sean that we were going on a double date this weekend with Zoey and Wesley and asked him to think about inviting the guys to Zoey’s surprise party. When I left, he looked happier than I’d ever seen him.

Friends and Foes

I made a new friend last night. Her name is Molly. She has short, curly blonde hair, a bubbly personality, and a great attitude. I met her at Sean’s gig last night at the bar. She’s recently moved to the city from a small town and we really hit it off. In fact, we have a shopping date this weekend.

“I think he is so hot,” Molly giggled as she nodded towards Guy.

“He has a girlfriend.” I said.

“If you’re his girlfriend I’m going to feel like such a ditz…”

“I’m dating the lead guitarist; his name is Sean, that’s how I know Guy has a girlfriend.”

“What about the bassist?”

I smiled and suppressed a laugh.

“He’s engaged-”

“Oh-”

“To the keyboardist.”

“OH.”

Molly’s eyes widened in embarrassment and we started laughing together. Sean took a five minute break and came over. I introduced him to Molly and he pulled me aside. I excused myself and followed him. As he was pulling me I noticed Gerry eyeing us with a look I couldn’t quite interpret. When we whipped around the corner I saw Gerry check his phone again.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Sean swooped in for a kiss that was much more passionate than I had expected.

He had me up against a wall, slid his hand under my right knee, pulled my leg up, and tried to hitch it above his waist but I stopped him.

“What are you doing? Not that I’m not enjoying this, but it isn’t very professional…Gerry’s going to get angry.”

As I was talking Sean was undeterred, he started kissing down my neck and unbuttoning my shirt.

“I don’t care about Gerry,” he mumbled in between kisses.

“Sean, did something happen?”

“Nuh-uh.” Sean was becoming even more aggressive and I was losing the will to protest.

“Break’s over.”

We jumped at the sound of Gerry’s voice in the hallway. Sean pulled away from me really fast and tried to stand in front of me and hide me from Gerry. It felt like I was a teenager trying to hide from my parents after kissing a boy on my front porch or something. My face turned hot as Sean nodded, squeezed my hand, and then left for the stage. Gerry and I were left alone in the hallway.

“White lace. Nice,” he sneered looking at my bra, “You might want to stop in the bathroom before meeting up with your blonde friend again, you look like a mess.”

Gerry checked his phone one more time as he turned and walked away. I was left speechless and in a state of shock for a few minutes trying to process what had happened. I went into the bathroom and buttoned the two buttons Sean had gotten undone, smoothed my hair, and readjusted my silver pleated skirt. I had to take a moment to recompose myself before going out to meet Molly again.

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I had to leave for a second, Sean wanted to talk to me about something important.”

“Oh, okay.”

She could sense I wasn’t telling the truth and as a result an extremely awkward silence fell between us. I was feeling worse and more ashamed by the second so I made up an excuse about feeling ill and left. Sean called me later after he got home and I knew it was coming but I just didn’t want to answer the phone. I knew he’d be even more anxious if I didn’t though, so I tried to answer it with a nonchalant attitude.

“Hey.”

“Are you okay? Why did you leave so early?”

“I started feeling sick. I would have told you but you were on stage and I knew I wouldn’t be able to last until your next break. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“No. No, I’m fine. Are you okay?”

“What do you mean? I’m perfect.”

“So the whole groping-me-in-a-back-hallway thing…that came about from nothing?”

“Oh. THAT. I just felt like being spontaneous.”

“Really? It wasn’t to maybe get back at Gerry?”

Sean sighed into the phone. He knew he’d been figured out.

“When you put it like that it makes me sound like a huge creep. Most of it was wanting to be spontaneous and a little bit of it was wanting to get back at Gerry…”

“Give me a percentage.”

“70 percent spontaneous and 30 percent revenge.”

“I see. So…you used me.”

“Faith, it wasn’t like that-”

“Really Sean? Because you just admitted to it.”

“I messed up.”

“You sure did.”

“How can I fix this?”

“I’ll fix it for you. I’m not going to anymore of your gigs. This fight between you and Gerry is only made worse by my presence in your life, so I’m going to avoid being a presence in your rock star life. I’m not going to be used as a tool in a fight I have no business being involved in.”

Sean was sad that I told him I’d stop going to his gigs but he understood. I didn’t tell him what Gerry had said or that Gerry had even noticed me and I wanted to keep it that way. If Sean knew what Gerry had said or how he’d made me feel, it would only make Sean’s work issues worse and I don’t want and will not be involved in Sean’s work-life. I let him go soon after that and went to sleep dreading my date with Elise and hearing Gerry’s words repeating over and over and over in my head.

Progress

I walked home from work yesterday and found Sean waiting on my building’s stoop. One of his hands had a small bandage wrapped around it.

“Damn it, Sean." I murmured when I saw him. I wasn't really in the mood for a face to face conversation with him.

He stood up hesitantly and I debated on whether I should just turn around and walk away. I decided to just get everything over with and break up with him on the spot.

"I’m surprised you didn't just use the key I gave you.”

“I didn’t think it would be appropriate considering it would have probably been even more frightening to find me in your apartment waiting for you.”

“Here,” I said giving him his key back, it still had the red ribbon attached to it, “I’ll take mine back too.”

He handed me my key but refused to take his back.

“I’d rather you keep it.” He said. He gently pushed my hand towards me.

I looked at my hand; the ribbon that was hanging out of it.

“What am I supposed to do with a key I never plan on using again, Sean?”

“Maybe you will use it again," I rolled my eyes and started walking up the steps, but Sean lightly touched my arm to stop me, "Will you please let me explain?”

I analyzed Sean closely. It would have been easier if we just let go right there but he looked like he was hurting and I felt like I owed it to both of us to have some closure.

“Okay.” I said, Sean looked extremely surprised at my answer and followed me up to my apartment.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked once I had put all of my stuff down and fed Murphy.

“No, I don’t need anything.”

“How long have you been waiting for me?”

“I came here after I left your office….so about six hours.” He sat down on my couch and I noticed how ragged he looked.

I sat in an armchair facing him to hear what Sean had to say.

“I’m sorry about the way I acted. I’ve never expressed my anger like that before; I don’t really know why that happened.”

I cocked my head and searched his eyes. He was choosing his words very carefully.

“Actually, I do know why it happened, but it will never happen again and I’m sorry that I scared you. This was my fault and I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m going to go now.” He made to get up.

“That’s it?” He sat back down and I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.”

“You’re not going to tell me why you almost punched me in the face?” I asked; he winced at my words.

“I was angry.”

“Really?” I said sarcastically, “Could’ve fooled me.”

“My body isn’t working the way it’s supposed to and over time I’ve been getting more frustrated about it. I was trying to hold in my emotions and obviously that wasn't a very good idea.”

“Sean, I don’t understand. I told you not feel bad because I don’t care about whether you have these problems or not so-”

“It’s not like that Faith…I’m not working right. Something is wrong with me.”

Sean put his head in his hands and started rocking back and forth. I instinctively sat beside him and comforted him while simultaneously questioning if that was a good idea. I put my arm around his shoulder and touched his arm with my free hand.

“Nothing is wrong with-”

“You don’t understand!” He wailed and started rocking much faster. He started bouncing his leg up and down and taking deep breaths…it was pretty clear he was trying not to cry and doing a very bad job of it. I was shocked, to be honest.

“Then explain it to me.” I said desperately, “I want to understand you.”

“Faith…” Sean lowered his hands, his eyes were puffy; he grabbed both of my hands and looked down at them, “There’s something wrong with me-”

A wave of anxiety hit me and I blurted out, “Are you sick? Do you have cancer or something?”

“No, it’s nothing like that, I’ve been tested for everything,” He looked at me and saw the fear in my eyes, “Faith, I’m in love with you…but I still can’t-”

“Oh.” He'd said it so fast and so sadly that I had a hard time processing it.

“I don’t know why. I’ve always been able to perform with other women I’ve been in love with.”

“How long have you known?” I couldn't stop myself from asking him.

“That I’m in love with you?”

I nodded and looked down at his hands which were still holding mine. I touched the bandage on his hand gingerly, there was a large bruise that had feathered from underneath it and I wondered if it was broken.

“Awhile. I realized it the night when I asked you if you wanted to know what Dr. Deerhorn and I talk about and you said no. I wanted to tell you sooner but then your brother left and now this thing with Elise…I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

“Why do you think that would have made me feel bad?”

“Because I knew that if you didn’t feel the same way you would feel guilty and I didn’t want to make you feel worse with everything else going on.”

“Sean!” I threw my hands over his shoulders while he looked at me with confusion, “I love you too! I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would exacerbate your problems and put unnecessary pressure on you to make progress with everything! I’ve known since my brother left-”

I kissed Sean as soon as I got the words out and he kissed me back passionately as I ran my fingers through his hair. It was like I was being kissed for the first time and I realized I was crying when we finally broke apart. Sean was holding my face in his hands and wiped away my tears with his thumbs.

“Why are you-“

“I’m happy. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long…it’s been horrible.” I said laughing.

He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug.

“This doesn’t change the fact that I almost hurt you and that I’m still having problems.”

“I know…but you’re still seeing Dr. Deerhorn, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe this is something that you should bring up.”

“I will. I've just been so mad at myself and now this stuff with Gerry, it's been so overwhelming.”

“Sean, I know how that must feel for you, but,” I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, “what happened last night can never happen again. I will leave and never look back. I’m not going to be with you if you can’t control your anger. I refuse to be in that kind of a relationship.”

“I understand.”

We decided it would be better if Sean didn’t stay, he had a gig to get to anyway and considering the developments with Gerry, Sean didn’t want to rock the boat by being late. Before he left, though, I walked him to my door to say good-bye.

"Can you even play?" I asked indicating his hand.

"Yeah, it's not broken, just really sore. I'll manage. I went to the ER about an hour after you left for x-rays." He said laughing.

"That was so dumb." I giggled while holding his hand and examining it.

"Right? Who punches a wall?" He smiled and then became serious, "Gerry's going to notice this. I don't know what I'm going to tell him."

"It's not really his business is it?"

"No, I guess it isn't. I'm still going to need to tell him something, though. I'll just tell him I punched a wall after he laid out his demands...maybe he'll feel guilty." Sean smiled at the thought.

“I love you.” He said giving me a kiss.

“I love you, too.” I looked down just after Sean left, he'd slipped the red ribbon over my left ring finger, his key was dangling beneath it, I smiled and closed the door.

Smash, Crash, and Dash

I called Anna to see if she confronted Elise at work but she wasn’t answering her phone and I decided to drop it. She’d call me when she had something to say. In addition to that, Suzy and Dina were both invited to interview with Veronica so I’m really excited for them. I really hope they both get the jobs that are open because I don’t really know when we’ll have another permanent open writing position and I really do miss seeing them every day. Steve and I have come up with a general policy guideline for the paper but it’s still under review by Veronica and her bosses (we were supposed to have our two interns helping us with it, but they were put to use elsewhere instead). We’ll get any edits, suggestions, or comments on it soon.

Now that we’ve covered all the bases I guess I should get to what I’ve been up to over the past few days: I’m going to dump Sean. We’re done.

I went to his apartment last night because he had a gig-free night and I decided to cook him dinner. When I showed up to his apartment (with my new key) and a bag of groceries he was in the shower. I decided to be spontaneous and left the groceries on the counter, snuck into the bathroom, and tried to join him but he didn’t look too excited about it. He basically got out less than five minutes after I jumped in which didn’t set a very good tone for the rest of our night. When I came out of his bathroom he had already started chopping up some of the vegetables.

“How was your day?” I asked sliding my hands around his waist from the back.

“It was fine.” I let go of him.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“Well then why are you being so cold and short with me all of a sudden?”

He shrugged.

“Do you regret giving me a key?” I asked. It was the only thing that had changed between us since I saw him last.

“What? No!” Sean turned around from his chopping.

“What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything…”

“Sean!” I said exasperatedly, “What is the problem? Will you please talk to me?”

He stared at the floor.

“I should go.” I made to walk to the bathroom where my clothes were waiting for me.

“Gerry wants me to end it.” I stopped.

“End what?”

“This….our relationship.”

“I see,” I blinked hard.

“I told him no and he said he was going to have me replaced if I didn’t get my act together. He’s already talked to Guy about kicking me out of the band.”

“Can…can he do that?”

“Well, we all started it together so Gerry wants all the guys to agree to it before he makes the final decision.”

“Will they?”

“I don’t think so.”

“But you’re worried they will. Which means…”

“I am not considering Gerry’s demands, Faith.” He looked at me, leaned on the counter, and crossed his arms.

“Demands…as in more than one?”

“Yeah. Gerry wants me to stop seeing Dr. Deerhorn, he wants me to break up with you, and he wants me to sign over the copyrights to one of my songs so some other band under his label can use it instead.”

“But if Jake and Eddie knew what he was doing they wouldn’t stand for it. Why should Gerry have a say in your personal life?”

“Gerry’s job is to make sure the band stays intact. He says that I’m not as focused because of you and Dr. Deerhorn and it’s putting the band at risk. If he convinced Jake and Eddie about that….I don’t really know what they would do.”

We were quiet for awhile. I didn’t really know what to say.

“I’m going to try and convince the guys to look into a replacement for Gerry instead. Either that or I could just lie about you and Dr. Deerhorn and sign my song over to get him off my back.”

“Sean you shouldn’t have to do that.”

“What else am I supposed to do Faith? If I follow through with what he wants I’m going to be losing one of the best relationships I’ve ever had. Where does the line get drawn? What happens if we do break up and I find someone else and Gerry doesn’t approve of them? Does the band have to be sacrificed just so I can find happiness? To Gerry it does. Everyone else is allowed to do what they please except me!”

Sean was getting upset and I walked over to him and gave him a hug.

“This is one of the best relationships I’ve been in, too.”

“Even with all of my…problems?”

I nodded.

We stood in his kitchen embracing for awhile when I asked, “So what are you going to do? I don’t want you to give up your job to be with me. I won’t let that happen.”

“I’m going to talk to Jake and Eddie about it first. If I have them on my side, I’ll be able to better assess my options.”

“Okay.” I said.

Sean gave me a kiss and then turned around to continue chopping vegetables while I went to get dressed. Our dinner was ready in a few minutes after that and we sat down to enjoy it. Sean told me about a song he was trying to write and I told him about work and feeling good about the policy guidelines Steve and I were writing. Then we decided to go see a movie and when we got back Sean was in a very frisky mood.

He basically pulled me to his bedroom as soon as we walked into his apartment and I was giggling because Sean wasn’t usually like this. Within a few minutes we had our clothes off and were getting busy but as soon as Sean lost it there was a brief pause and before I could register what had happened Sean punched his fist into the pillow my head was lying on and scared the crap out of me. Without reacting to how close he had come to hitting me, Sean rolled off of me and sat on the opposite side of the bed. He was breathing hard and I wrapped myself in a bed sheet trying to figure out what to do.

I got up and edged closer to him; trying to put my hand on his shoulder.

“Sean it’s-”

“NO IT’S NOT!”

He threw my hand away, stood up, and kicked a box that was lying on the floor across his room. I slid off the bed and pressed myself up against the opposite wall, still wrapped in sheets, and absolutely terrified. Sean started pacing in his bedroom while I slowly started picking up my clothes and putting them on; he barely noticed. I grabbed my shoes when he punched his bedroom wall and ran out of his apartment, hailed a taxi, and immediately started trembling with shock and fear.

To top things off, Sean came to my work today to try and explain himself but I had Steve send him away without seeing him. I’ve never been so scared in my life and I don’t want to be with someone who loses their temper that fast and nearly hits me which is why I’m going to call him tonight and tell him we’re over.