Progress

I walked home from work yesterday and found Sean waiting on my building’s stoop. One of his hands had a small bandage wrapped around it.

“Damn it, Sean." I murmured when I saw him. I wasn't really in the mood for a face to face conversation with him.

He stood up hesitantly and I debated on whether I should just turn around and walk away. I decided to just get everything over with and break up with him on the spot.

"I’m surprised you didn't just use the key I gave you.”

“I didn’t think it would be appropriate considering it would have probably been even more frightening to find me in your apartment waiting for you.”

“Here,” I said giving him his key back, it still had the red ribbon attached to it, “I’ll take mine back too.”

He handed me my key but refused to take his back.

“I’d rather you keep it.” He said. He gently pushed my hand towards me.

I looked at my hand; the ribbon that was hanging out of it.

“What am I supposed to do with a key I never plan on using again, Sean?”

“Maybe you will use it again," I rolled my eyes and started walking up the steps, but Sean lightly touched my arm to stop me, "Will you please let me explain?”

I analyzed Sean closely. It would have been easier if we just let go right there but he looked like he was hurting and I felt like I owed it to both of us to have some closure.

“Okay.” I said, Sean looked extremely surprised at my answer and followed me up to my apartment.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked once I had put all of my stuff down and fed Murphy.

“No, I don’t need anything.”

“How long have you been waiting for me?”

“I came here after I left your office….so about six hours.” He sat down on my couch and I noticed how ragged he looked.

I sat in an armchair facing him to hear what Sean had to say.

“I’m sorry about the way I acted. I’ve never expressed my anger like that before; I don’t really know why that happened.”

I cocked my head and searched his eyes. He was choosing his words very carefully.

“Actually, I do know why it happened, but it will never happen again and I’m sorry that I scared you. This was my fault and I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m going to go now.” He made to get up.

“That’s it?” He sat back down and I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.”

“You’re not going to tell me why you almost punched me in the face?” I asked; he winced at my words.

“I was angry.”

“Really?” I said sarcastically, “Could’ve fooled me.”

“My body isn’t working the way it’s supposed to and over time I’ve been getting more frustrated about it. I was trying to hold in my emotions and obviously that wasn't a very good idea.”

“Sean, I don’t understand. I told you not feel bad because I don’t care about whether you have these problems or not so-”

“It’s not like that Faith…I’m not working right. Something is wrong with me.”

Sean put his head in his hands and started rocking back and forth. I instinctively sat beside him and comforted him while simultaneously questioning if that was a good idea. I put my arm around his shoulder and touched his arm with my free hand.

“Nothing is wrong with-”

“You don’t understand!” He wailed and started rocking much faster. He started bouncing his leg up and down and taking deep breaths…it was pretty clear he was trying not to cry and doing a very bad job of it. I was shocked, to be honest.

“Then explain it to me.” I said desperately, “I want to understand you.”

“Faith…” Sean lowered his hands, his eyes were puffy; he grabbed both of my hands and looked down at them, “There’s something wrong with me-”

A wave of anxiety hit me and I blurted out, “Are you sick? Do you have cancer or something?”

“No, it’s nothing like that, I’ve been tested for everything,” He looked at me and saw the fear in my eyes, “Faith, I’m in love with you…but I still can’t-”

“Oh.” He'd said it so fast and so sadly that I had a hard time processing it.

“I don’t know why. I’ve always been able to perform with other women I’ve been in love with.”

“How long have you known?” I couldn't stop myself from asking him.

“That I’m in love with you?”

I nodded and looked down at his hands which were still holding mine. I touched the bandage on his hand gingerly, there was a large bruise that had feathered from underneath it and I wondered if it was broken.

“Awhile. I realized it the night when I asked you if you wanted to know what Dr. Deerhorn and I talk about and you said no. I wanted to tell you sooner but then your brother left and now this thing with Elise…I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

“Why do you think that would have made me feel bad?”

“Because I knew that if you didn’t feel the same way you would feel guilty and I didn’t want to make you feel worse with everything else going on.”

“Sean!” I threw my hands over his shoulders while he looked at me with confusion, “I love you too! I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would exacerbate your problems and put unnecessary pressure on you to make progress with everything! I’ve known since my brother left-”

I kissed Sean as soon as I got the words out and he kissed me back passionately as I ran my fingers through his hair. It was like I was being kissed for the first time and I realized I was crying when we finally broke apart. Sean was holding my face in his hands and wiped away my tears with his thumbs.

“Why are you-“

“I’m happy. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long…it’s been horrible.” I said laughing.

He kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug.

“This doesn’t change the fact that I almost hurt you and that I’m still having problems.”

“I know…but you’re still seeing Dr. Deerhorn, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe this is something that you should bring up.”

“I will. I've just been so mad at myself and now this stuff with Gerry, it's been so overwhelming.”

“Sean, I know how that must feel for you, but,” I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, “what happened last night can never happen again. I will leave and never look back. I’m not going to be with you if you can’t control your anger. I refuse to be in that kind of a relationship.”

“I understand.”

We decided it would be better if Sean didn’t stay, he had a gig to get to anyway and considering the developments with Gerry, Sean didn’t want to rock the boat by being late. Before he left, though, I walked him to my door to say good-bye.

"Can you even play?" I asked indicating his hand.

"Yeah, it's not broken, just really sore. I'll manage. I went to the ER about an hour after you left for x-rays." He said laughing.

"That was so dumb." I giggled while holding his hand and examining it.

"Right? Who punches a wall?" He smiled and then became serious, "Gerry's going to notice this. I don't know what I'm going to tell him."

"It's not really his business is it?"

"No, I guess it isn't. I'm still going to need to tell him something, though. I'll just tell him I punched a wall after he laid out his demands...maybe he'll feel guilty." Sean smiled at the thought.

“I love you.” He said giving me a kiss.

“I love you, too.” I looked down just after Sean left, he'd slipped the red ribbon over my left ring finger, his key was dangling beneath it, I smiled and closed the door.