Bad Decisions

Um. My date with Hank was…interesting. And by that I mean that I am an idiot who makes stupid, stupid decisions when she’s upset. I was still in shock about the Sean thing when I went to meet Hank and all through our date I felt distracted and spacey. I kept going into my own thoughts and Hank noticed.

“Are you okay? Did I do something to upset you?” He asked.

“N-no. I’m sorry; things at work have just been really crazy lately.” I said putting on a fake smile.

Hank nodded knowingly and went off on a tangent about his job and how hard it can be. I’m not really sure why but after that I started ordering drinks. A LOT of drinks. Hank took that to mean that I was having a great time and started putting the moves on me and I let him.

I’d had rejection from Randy and Chris already this week and with the Sean news I just wanted to feel good for five minutes. Hank ended up back at my apartment and we had sex (if you could even call it that). He smells like cigars and my grandfather and while he was laying on top of me he kept making these horrible pig-like grunts. He’s so small that I couldn’t even feel anything and he started sweating almost as soon as his shirt came off. Afterward he rolled off of me and lit up a cigar in my bed without even asking. Then he said, “You’re welcome baby.” I’m not even kidding!

I thought it was all a dream until I woke up and realized I was on my couch (he snored so loud last night that I had to sleep in the living room and I still barely slept at all from the noise) and he was still snoring in my room. It took me ALL day to get him to leave. I actually had to fake getting my period and needing to run out for tampons. It grossed him out enough that he left and I took a shower immediately after Febreezing my apartment and throwing all of the windows open to get the cigar smell out of everything.

I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. I most certainly won’t be calling Hank again not only because it was the worst sex I’ve ever had but because he’s so obviously wrong for me and I am not attracted to him at all. I spent the majority of our date bored out of my mind until I started drinking. More importantly: who smokes in someone’s home without even bothering to ask!? I feel like such a mess. I thought I was over Sean…I want to be over him. I can’t help thinking that if the tour had been put on hiatus sooner maybe we would still be together but then I remind myself that a hiatus wouldn’t have changed the fact that he betrayed me or that he got Karen pregnant. I hate myself for missing him but I just can’t be with him again; it’s too much of a roller coaster with Sean. This whole ordeal has done nothing but to make me feel like a horrible person unworthy of love. The only men who will touch me are gross and really old or cheating jerks who lie to me about it. I just want to be with someone who deserves me and is mellow. Being with Sean was like constantly walking on eggshells. His jealousy and trust issues aren’t what I miss about him; I just want to be held by someone who cares about me.

(I actually posted this late last night but there was a typo in the post date I entered into Blog Spot and it was about 2/3 down the main page of the blog instead of at the top. Oops! -del)