Breakthroughs

Sean and I got to Mike’s office and sat in the lobby until he called us back.

“So.” Mike said as we sat down. “How are you two?”

“I think we’re doing better.” I said.

“I take it you did your homework assignment.” Mike said.

“Twice.” Sean said jokingly; I blushed.

“We still have a long way to go, though.” I said.

Mike nodded, “Like what?”

“Well, for one, I’d like to talk about trust.”

“Okay.” Mike said.

“Sean is going to be on tour with the woman he slept with and I just don’t know how to deal with that.”

“In what way?” Mike asked and cocked his head.

“Well, I’m not really prepared to trust him to not sleep with someone else.”

“Faith, I told you that I would never put you through that again.” Sean said.

“So you’ve talked about this.” Mike stated looking at the two of us.

“Kind of.” I said flatly.

“Tell me about what’s been going on with this.” Mike said.

“I told Sean that I don’t know how to trust him around Karen and being on tour with her. How can I trust that it will never happen again?”

“Well, you can’t.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
That’s not exactly what I wanted to hear; I deflated in my chair and crossed my legs to the other side.

“Yes, she can.” Sean said with a hint of anger.

“Well, you believe that Sean, but Faith is the one whose trust in you has been shot. You may know you’ll never have another affair but she most certainly won’t, no matter how vehemently you will insist upon it. This is the biggest hurdle for couples who are dealing with infidelity. I’m surprised that you two have discussed it already outside of therapy. Most people avoid it for as long as possible.”

“So…now what?” I asked.

“It’s up to you, Faith.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“In my profession, the person who is struggling with trusting the other person in a relationship has to reach a point where they make the choice to trust their partner.”

“So I just have to move on. Just like that?”

Mike was silent.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “But that is total bullshit.”

Mike laughed, “That’s forgiveness, Faith.”

I sat with Mike’s words in silence.

“So, the sex.” Mike said changing the subject.

“What about it?” Sean asked with a sense of discomfort.

“Did either of you learn anything from it? How did you make it happen?”

“Um. It just kind of did?” I said just as uncomfortably as Sean. The conversation I’d had with Sean about Mike being a sex therapist briefly popped into my head and sent fleeting signs of panic through me.

“It was sort of easier to talk to each other after it happened. Before, everything was just so awkward; it’s a bit less tense and it’s not even close to being as awkward now that we’ve passed that hurdle.” Sean said.

I nodded.

“Faith, how did you feel about it?” Mike asked.

“It was sort of freeing for me but I don’t know why. I cried afterward but I’m not-”

“What? You didn’t tell me that.” Sean said looking at me.

“I didn’t think it was something to share…” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Why do you think you cried?” Mike said.

“I honestly have no idea. I don’t even know if they were happy or sad tears.”

“Interesting.” Mike said looking over the rims of his glasses.

Sean looked at him, “Why? Why is that interesting?” His voice sounded panicked.

“How did you feel afterward, Sean? Did you cry?”

“No. I was tired. I fell asleep. Why is Faith crying afterward interesting?” He asked not letting Mike avoid the subject.

“Well, I think Faith crying was probably the first step to her forgiving you, but you seem really distraught about this. Is there a particular reason?” Mike said gazing at Sean.

“No, you were just being really mysterious about it. And this is the first time I’m hearing about this. Why didn’t you tell me?” Sean rounded on me.

“Honestly?”

Sean nodded.

“Because I was embarrassed, Sean. I felt vulnerable. I don’t know why I cried; why would I tell you if I couldn’t explain it to myself?”

We talked some more but eventually we ran out of time and Mike scheduled another appointment in two weeks. He didn’t assign us any homework, though, so I guess we’re supposed to keep doing what we’re doing. Sean had to leave for the airport when we left Mike’s office and asked if I wanted to come and hang out with him until he had to go through security. I shrugged and decided to go see him off.

We had a snack at a restaurant in the airport and then walked around for a little while until it was time for him to go.

“I’m going to miss you.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

I didn’t say anything.

“You’ve been really quiet, Faith.” He said pulling out of the hug.
I tried to avoid his eyes but he followed my gaze. And then the tears came.

“Hey.” He said pulling me into another hug, “Hey.”

“I’m so sick of this.” I said through the tears, “And trying to work through everything while I send you off…back to the tour…it’s just too much, Sean.”
Sean moved me to a bench and held my hands before looking me dead in the eye, “I’ll quit. I won’t get on that plane. Just say the word.”

I looked at Sean with suspicion and wiped my nose on the back of my hand.

“Are…are you serious?”

“Yes. Tell me not to leave, Faith.”

“Sean, you love playing music.”

“I can do that by myself or with another band. Another band that’s here.”

“But all of your friends….”

“I have their cell phone numbers and e-mails. We’ll keep in touch.”

“But you’ll lose your job, your income.”

“I’ll get a new one.”

I considered this for a few moments.

“Sean, I am not going to force you to give up this opportunity. I would never be able to live with myself and you would eventually resent me. Go. Get on the plane and call me when you land.” I said standing up and wiping my tears away, “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’ll be back in two weeks, Faith. I’ll see if I can stay for more than a day.”

“Okay.” I said looking at my shoes.

“Hey,” He said lifting my chin so I would look at him, “I’ll be home in no time.”

I nodded.

“I love you.” He said.

He kissed me and I kissed him back. Hard. When we broke apart, Sean squeezed my hand before walking towards the security line. I waved at him meekly and then left. I’ve been bummed out since he left and I’ve gotta say that I feel really embarrassed about it. I don’t feel like I’ve “punished” Sean enough to allow myself to miss him, but maybe that’s what Mike was getting at with his forgiveness point. It’s not about justice or getting revenge or punishing the other person. I think justice would have been asking Sean to stay and give up the tour but I realized that I don’t want that. I don’t want to make Sean miserable and ruin his career; I just don’t need that kind of retribution to get past this. At some point, you just can’t continue to stew in your anger and I’m never going to get justice or revenge and still have our relationship remain intact so I think it’s time for me to choose to forgive Sean and try to move on. I think this is what therapists call a breakthrough.

Sponges

I got home from work last night and just knew. Sean wasn’t home but I just knew that it was now or never. I changed out of my work clothes and put on a black circle skirt that hit right above my thighs and a white, short-sleeved Henley shirt. I put my hair up in a messy bun and kicked my shoes off before making dinner. I made cheesy scalloped potatoes, pan-fried chicken breasts, and green beans. I had set the table just as Sean walked in carrying his guitar case and a messenger bag. He was wearing dark jeans, his old tennis shoes, and a white, long-sleeved shirt; his hair was perfectly tousled. He was listening to his iPod and took out his earphones slowly when he saw me standing next to the table. Suddenly, a wave of nervousness coated my body.

“Hey.” He said giving me a half-smile as he took his messenger bag off with one hand.

“Hi.” I said shifting my weight from one foot to the other, “I…made dinner.”

“It smells really good.” He said coming over to me.

We stood there awkwardly for a beat before I decided to throw caution to the wind and kiss Sean. It was just as bad as when we kissed in front of Mike’s office and the other night. I actually think it might have been worse, to be honest. As soon as our lips touched, Sean seized up and jammed his hands into his pockets and I didn’t know where to put mine so I had them clasped behind my back. There was no tongue so it was just awkward and long and actually kind of awful. When we broke apart, Sean cleared his throat and looked at the table. We sat down and started eating. Aside from Sean’s compliments on how the food tasted and my “thank yous” dinner was also awkward and lacked any substantial conversation.

At one point we talked about the weather:

“I saw a cloud shaped like a boat today.” Sean said.

“Oh. That’s…cool. Like a sail boat?” I asked.

“No, more like a tug boat…or maybe a canoe?” He said.

That was the point where I realized that my romantic dinner plans had crashed and burned. When both of us had finished eating I stood up to collect the plates to wash them.

“I’ll wash them.” Sean said shooing me away.

I went to my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed, dejected as Sean cleaned off the table. I could hear him washing the dishes so I laid backwards and sighed at the ceiling. Crossing my arms, I shook my head and got angry at how poorly my dinner had gone and how my plans for the evening were probably shot. I felt restless so I got up to go help Sean with the dishes but stopped when I got to the archway of the kitchen. His sleeves were rolled up and his hair was in his eyes. I smiled and leaned against the archway for a bit before going back to my room with a new level of determination. I let my hair fall out of my bun and then slid out of my skirt before pulling off my shirt. Then I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror before heading back to the kitchen.

I leaned against the archway again.

“Sean?”

“Yeah?” He said over his shoulder without looking at me.

I felt like I was walking in slow motion towards him. When he saw me standing next to him his eyes widened and I didn’t give him the chance to hesitate. I stood on my tip-toes and kissed him and finally, finally something clicked. One of his hands was in my hair, getting it soapy and wet; the other was still clutching the sponge and was on the small of my back. Sean was pulling me toward him which made the hot, soapy water from the sponge dribble down my backside. I was clutching his shirt with one hand and had my other arm slung over his shoulder, his hand travelled from the small of my back to the back of my thigh where he lifted me onto the edge of the sink. We came up for air and Sean did a double take at his hand before throwing the sponge over his shoulder, laughing, and going back to kissing me. I wrapped my legs around him and shut the water off in the sink by frantically feeling around for the faucet behind me. He started moving backward and stopped in the kitchen archway where I took his shirt off and started kissing along his jaw line.

I pushed him out of the archway and against the wall in the hallway before unbuttoning the top of his fly and slipping a hand beneath the waistband. I pulled his mouth to mine as he started lightly moaning. One of his hands was gripping my butt and the other was on the back of my head. I slipped my fingers in his belt loops and pulled him into my bedroom by his waist where he unhooked my bra and I unzipped his jeans. He let them fall to the floor before taking off his boxers and sitting on the edge of the bed. I took my underwear off and straddled him and began rocking back and forth. His hands were pressing down hard on my hips and his mouth was roving over my chest and neck.

He flipped me over onto my back after a few minutes and then pulled me up while I was under him so he could get a better position. While he was on top of me our hands interlocked and he started kissing my neck which caused me to get pretty loud. We were both pretty close and Sean started moving faster. He let go of one of my hands and moved his newly free hand between my legs where he started gently rubbing a certain part of my body. My free hand gripped the covers on my bed. I was biting my lip to keep from screaming until Sean kissed me hard right as we both finished. Sean continued moving while our bodies both shuddered when I suddenly felt a second wave hit me. I arched my back and gripped the covers again while Sean looked at me with surprise.

“What was that?” He asked out of breath.

“Um. I think I had…I think I had a double orgasm.” I said.

I broke my other hand from his and moved some hair out of Sean’s eyes and kissed him again. He slid off of me, then I got up and wrapped a long sweater around myself before sidling up next to him and putting my hand on his chest. He kissed my forehead; we laid like that for a long time.

I put my pajamas on eventually while Sean put on a pair of boxers. We ate ice cream on the couch and finally had a conversation that wasn’t mind-numbingly boring or atrociously awkward. Later we had sex again before Sean fell asleep. I stayed up and, surprisingly, started crying but I don’t really know why. I don’t even know if it was because of sadness or happiness. I just know that it happened.

(I am SO sorry about this posting late. It's the first week of classes for me and I completely forgot about the blog last night with trying to get everything ready for today's classes. -del)

Frustration and Regression

I invited Zoey and Molly over for dinner while Sean was meeting Jake and Eddie for dinner and then having an appointment with Dr. Deerhorn. I was planning on making food but after staring at my fridge for 10 minutes and not seeing anything desirable I made an executive decision to order pizza. I sent Zoey a text telling her to bring something to drink, Molly was on dessert duty.

The girls arrived about 10 minutes before the pizza. Molly brought cream cheese-iced brownies with chocolate chips on top and Zoey brought a 12 pack of chilled soda. I went downstairs to meet the delivery guy while they got out plates and cups. We settled in front of the television to watch a Project Runway marathon (Mondo was ROBBED!) when Zoey brought up Anna.

“So, Anna said you stopped by the other day.”

“I did.” I said.

“She also said you were kind of short with her.”

“I guess I would agree with that.” I shrugged.

“Why, Faith?” Molly asked ignoring the television.

“Because I’m sick of hearing you three judge me for not blaming Karen. I feel like I’ve been trying to deal with this in a healthy way and blaming Karen isn’t healthy, for me. Hearing you guys talk about Karen makes me wonder if you think I’m also an evil, manipulative, slut who preyed on Kevin.”

Molly was, unsurprisingly, confused. She’s not familiar with the Kevin saga of my life, or at least not of the fact that we dated. Zoey looked at me with hurt eyes.

“Faith, I don’t think you’re an evil person. Why would you even think that?” Zoey said.

“Because I was in the same position Karen was in when I was dating Kevin. I really do believe that Karen thought Sean and I were over and that she didn’t do this to be malicious. I think she made a mistake that she deeply regrets just like I do. But whenever I talk about it with one of you it makes me feel abnormal for not blaming her.”

“Well…” Molly spoke up, “it’s not abnormal, Faith, it’s just a level of maturity that I, personally, would never have. I’m more amazed by the clarity you have of the situation. I’m not judging you, even though I’m not really sure what you’re talking about.”

Molly looked at Zoey who nodded.

“I would never judge you like that Faith.” Zoey said.

“But you judged Karen like that.”

“But I don’t know the whole story with Karen like I do with you and Kevin. I just thought bashing Karen would make you feel better or at least make you laugh. I didn’t mean for you to interpret that as my opinion on you and your relationship with Kevin. I never meant it that way.”

Zoey looked like she was on the verge of tears, which surprised me quite a bit and then I felt like a jerk.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“Why are YOU apologizing? I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry, Faith.” Zoey said.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, too, Faith.” Molly said.

I nodded and then we went back to watching Tim assess the designers’ looks-in-progress and giggling about some of the atrocious clothes. We stuffed ourselves with pizza and brownies and were busy lounging on the living room furniture watching the end of an episode when I heard the door open. Molly and Zoey shared a look, like they’d discussed this exact scenario before coming here.

“He-” Sean came around the corner and stopped dead at the sight of Molly and Zoey.

“Hi.” Molly waved awkwardly. Zoey said nothing; she just crossed her arms and continued looking at the television.

“I invited the girls over for pizza…” I said.

“I think we should go.” Zoey said getting up and gathering her stuff. Molly followed.

“You guys don’t have to leave! It’s okay!” I said.

“No, we should go, Faith.” Zoey said. She walked past Sean, stopped and said with an icy voice and a curt nod, “Sean.”

He tried to smile at her and cleared his throat.

Molly followed her out slowly but she turned around as she passed Sean and said in a bubbly manner, “I’m rooting for you guys!”

Molly closed the door while Sean and I stood in the living room in silence. I sighed and started cleaning up the remnants of dinner.

“So, Zoey obviously hates me.” Sean said.

“Oh, yeah.” I said quickly.

I turned and started taking stuff to the kitchen.

“Do you want any pizza?” I asked Sean wearily.

“No, thanks.” He helped me clean everything up and then we sat on the couch to finish watching the marathon.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the television, though. I was bummed that Molly and Zoey left so abruptly but I was also thinking about the conversation Sean and I had about Mike the other day. I decided that I would try to get more comfortable with Sean, physically-speaking, so I slid next to him and put my hands between my knees. He had his arm laying on the back of the couch but didn’t wrap it around me when I came to a stop next to him. I cleared my throat and looked at the ceiling. Sean was looking at my side-table lamp, in the opposite direction of where I was sitting. We sat like that, very stiff, for about five minutes while the judges discussed who was going to be the challenge winner.

I’d had enough. I stood up, sat on Sean’s lap and kissed him. It was TERRIBLE. He balled his hands up into fists to avoid touching me or maybe it was because he didn’t know where to put them. I tried to make the kiss hotter by adding tongue but somehow we got out of sync and he basically tried to put his tongue in my mouth while it was closed and then I tried to do the exact same thing to him. We kept bumping our heads because we were out of sync and eventually I was fed up with it.

I threw my head back and shouted, “Ugh! THIS SUCKS!” Before storming to my bedroom, changing into my pajamas and going to bed incredibly frustrated. When I woke up this morning I noticed Sean had slept on the couch. Great. Attempting to be more intimate is actually causing us to regress. Freaking PERFECT! UGH!

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Sean and I spent the majority of the weekend sitting on opposite sides of the couch not talking to each other. It was as awkward as you’d imagine it to be. Even though we weren’t talking, I think we were both thinking about Mike’s “assignment”. It was late Sunday night when Sean felt like trying to have a conversation.

“Faith?” Sean had stopped tuning his guitar.

“Hm?” I said not looking up from my magazine.

“Do you want to look into a new counselor?”

Sean’s question took me by surprise. I looked up from my article and set my magazine in my lap. I didn’t say anything but looked at Sean in an inquisitive way.

“I was just thinking, I can tell you’re not really very comfortable with Mike’s…approach and I thought it might be worth discussing.”

“Do you want a new counselor?” I asked. I had never really considered Sean’s opinion while choosing a counselor so my ears perked up a bit.

“I don’t know.”

“I thought you would have liked Mike.” I said more to myself than to Sean.
Sean didn’t say anything but gave me an unreadable look.

“Dr. Sheehan recommended him and I think she gave me the best recommendation but if you don’t like him I can ask her if she would be willing to recommend someone else.” I said shrugging.

“But do you want someone else?” Sean asked with trepidation.

“What’s this really about, Sean?” I said closing my magazine and putting it on the coffee table.

“Are you sure he’s a relationship counselor?”

“Yes. Why?” I asked suspiciously.

“Are you sure he’s not, like, a sex therapist.”

I burst out laughing.

“What?” I said gasping for air.

“He just seems so focused on our sex life…are you sure his main focus is on relationships?”

Sean looked really serious which made me stop laughing.

“Sean, sex is a big part of a relationship. It helps build trust. You heard Mike explain that.”

“I know but…” He trailed off.

“But what?”

“Well…so are we just going to lie at our next appointment?”

“About having sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you assuming we aren’t going to have sex?” I asked cocking my head. I felt somewhat offended, although I don’t really know why.

Sean looked flustered and leaned his guitar on the side table.

“Come on, Faith.” He said exasperatedly, “We aren’t there yet. You’ll barely let me touch you and the last thing I want to do is feel like I’m forcing you to have sex. They have a name for that, you know. I’m not going to rape my girlfriend.”

“Then we’ll just lie.” I said with an air of apathy reaching for my magazine and shrugging.

“You and I both know that lying to a therapist doesn’t help. I think we should look for a new one.”

“Okay. Why don’t you ask Dr. Deerhorn for a recommendation the next time you go?”
Sean seemed irritated.

“What’s the problem?” I said with annoyance.

“Faith, you wanted us to see this guy. You don’t seem very invested right now.”

“Probably because I haven’t just assumed we’re never going to have sex again, like you obviously have.” I said flipping a magazine page nonchalantly.

Sean sighed angrily so I put my magazine back on the coffee table and turned myself toward him.

“What?” I asked even more annoyed.

“Our appointment is in less than a week. How do you expect to be where you need to be emotionally by then in order to have sex?”

“Emotionally? Oh, Sean,” I smirked angrily, “I didn’t need to have an emotional connection with you to have sex in a bar bathroom and I most certainly don’t need it now. What I DO need is chemistry and we have that so I’m not worried about doing my homework.”

Sean stared at me aghast.

“Do you want to have sex right now?” I asked him exasperatedly.

He was shocked into silence so I scooted toward him, sat on my knees, and started taking off my shirt, which snapped him out of it.

“No! Stop!” He said trying to put my shirt back on.

“Fine. I’m going to bed.” I said taking my shirt off and dropping it on his lap. As I rounded the corner to the hallway, I took my pants off and threw them around his head, followed by my bra, but he didn’t take the bait and I changed into my pajamas. About an hour later Sean crept into my bedroom and laid down next to me.

It’s weird. I’m not as confident as I came off to Sean. He is right. I’m really not ready to have sex with him and I’m not sure I ever will be if I go at my own pace. I’ve been thinking about our “homework” from Mike and I kind of get where Mike is coming from. Last night was almost freeing for me. On the one hand, I am still sexually attracted to Sean, which is nice. On the other hand, the idea of having sex with him wasn’t as upsetting as it had been when Mike had first assigned it. I think sitting with it for awhile has helped me deal with having to let Sean in because Mike is right; Sean and I need to rebuild our intimacy and we really can’t do that with him on tour and just trying to bond with talking (obviously we aren’t really doing too well with that since we spent the majority of the weekend avoiding conversation). Also, I think I just really want to have sex, so maybe I’m more receptive to Mike’s approach after thinking about it for awhile because of that, too; it’s been over a month and I’m only human, dammit, but Sean’s right. I’m not where I need to be in order to do this. The problem is I don’t know how to get there. I do think talking about it with Sean and forcing in the sexual tension helped, but it didn’t push me far enough.

Trying

Sean got home last night. He’s going to be here for a week (he leaves right after our counseling appointment). He got in at around 11 at night. I was laying in bed watching television in my pajamas with Murphy snuggled up next to me.

“Hey.” He said standing in my doorway.

“Hi.” I said not looking away from the television.

He put his stuff down in the living room and then made a sandwich in the kitchen. After awhile he finished eating it and then stood in my doorway.

“Faith, can I grab a blanket and a pillow?”

“Okay.” I said and shut the television off.

He slid open my closet and grabbed a light blanket and then took a pillow off of my bed before going back to the living room. I turned the light off in my bedroom and watched the shadows from the living room play on my wall. He’d changed into his pajamas and made a bed up on the couch before shutting the light off and shoving my bedroom into total darkness. I could hear Sean breathing and Murphy’s purring and nearly forgot about the state of our relationship for a few minutes.

“Sean?” I sighed.

“Yeah?”

“You might as well just sleep in here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really, but I guess I should make the effort.” I was surprised at how mean I had sounded.

Sean brought the pillow and blanket back into my room and laid down next to me. Both of us were on our backs, staring at the ceiling. I heard Zoey’s suggestion to tell Sean how I feel echoing in my head and decided to try it.

“I’m really angry with you.” I said after about 5 minutes of silence.

“You should be.”

“I’m being so mean to you.”

“I deserve it.”

“I don’t know how to stop.”

“That’s understandable.”

I sighed sadly and continued staring at the ceiling until a flurry of anger hit me like a train.

“Do you have any idea just how much you’ve hurt me?” I crossed my arms.
Sean didn’t answer so I continued.

“I think that I could have gotten past this much easier had you slept with Karen because you were sad or upset but you didn’t. You told me you slept with her just to hurt me. Well you did and now I don’t know what to do or how to heal from this. If we go down, Sean, it’s because of you and your actions. And so help me if you ever sleep with her or another person outside of our relationship again, I swear to-”

“I’m not going to, Faith. I wish I could communicate to you how much I regret what I did. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough to fix it. I know that. It’s okay that you hate me; I hate me, too.”

I went to say something but stopped myself and let Sean’s words sink in.

“I don’t hate you. Or…at least I don’t think I do.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.”

I didn’t say anything for a few moments.

“I don’t really know how I feel right now, Sean. Sometimes I love you and other times I’m so angry with you that my muscles tense up. Occasionally I feel numb to our entire relationship while, still, during other times I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t breathe.”

We laid there, staring at the ceiling in silence. Sean didn’t know what to say and neither did I.

After another long pause I gave in to the doubt regarding Karen my friends had put there, “You’re going to be alone with her on the road.”

“I know.”

“How can I be sure it won’t happen again if we get into a fight or have a hard time at the counselor’s?”

“It won’t happen again.”

“How can I trust you to not sleep with her or a fan or another crew member?”

“Faith, I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I am NEVER going to jeopardize our relationship EVER again. It was a stupid, stupid mistake and bad judgment and I would rather die than hurt you the way I have by sleeping with her again or anyone else, for that matter.”

“It’s going to be a long road to me trusting you again.”

“I know.”

We continued staring at the ceiling in silence. After awhile he spoke.

“I’d take it back in a heartbeat.”

“I know.”

“I love you and I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d have me.”

“I know.”

“I’d love Murphy as my own.” He said. I could hear the nervous humor in his voice.

“You already do.” I laughed gently.

I moved my hand from my torso and inched it closer to Sean’s, which was laying next to him on the mattress, until our pinkies touched. He turned his over and I intertwined my fingers with his. We looked at each other for the first time since he got home. Then he lifted our hands and kissed mine before putting it back down on the mattress. I smiled sadly and fell asleep shortly after.

Haters

I feel like I haven’t seen Anna in ages so I went to her house for lunch and some twin-time earlier today. Weatherly was laying on a padded blanket kicking at a little mobile toy with soft animals hanging from it while Anna nursed Andrew on the couch. I was moving the mobile while Weatherly happily kicked and laughed.

“On your anniversary?” She said shocked.

“Yep.” I said.

I had barely talked to Anna since Sean told me that he cheated, so I was recapping it all for her. She already knew the majority of the details from Zoey, but wanted to hear it from me.

“With the tour manager?”

“Yeah.”

“And he’s going to continue with the tour?”

“Yeah, but he has to come back every two weeks so we can see a relationship therapist that Dr. Sheehan recommended.”

“And you’re…okay with him being on tour with her?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m ‘okay with it’ I just don’t really have any beef with Karen.”

“But how can you say that, Faith? She slept with YOUR fiancé.”

“Like I told Molly and Zoey, I’m not in a relationship with Karen. I don’t expect her to make sure Sean doesn’t cheat on me with any groupies. It’s not her job to make sure Sean acts like a decent person on tour. That’s Sean’s job. And he’s the one I’m in a relationship with.”

“But she knew you guys were engaged. Surely you hold her a little responsible!” Anna said raising her voice but making it sound happy so Andrew didn’t become alarmed.

“Well, if I think back to the fight Sean and I had on our anniversary he basically dumped me, so for all I know she thought we weren’t together. For all I know Sean probably got back to the buses completely pissed off and unloaded on Karen and told her that he was done with me before they had sex.”

“Well, if you’re going to use that logic, then he didn’t really cheat on you.” Anna said flatly.

I glared at her.

“Yes, he did. He really only fake-dumped me because he was mad. He didn’t actually dump me and Sean knows that but I’m sure that whatever he told Karen made it sound like we were over even if he knew deep down that he only fake-dumped me.”

“But-”

“Anna, Karen isn’t the issue here. He could have cheated on me with anyone and it wouldn’t have been any different. The only person to blame for what happened is Sean and his behavior is the only thing I’m concerned about. I don’t like defending Karen and the choices she made but you just don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I’ve been Karen.”

“Faith, you are not some slut who preys on another woman’s fiancé.”

“I’m sure Hannah would disagree.”

Anna didn’t say anything.

“You don’t get it. When I was with Kevin, the only side of the story I was getting was his. I believed him when he said that they were through. I believed him when he told me that she was crazy and too attached to him. I believed every single word of it. And it was ALL lies. I was Karen.”

“But that was different.”

“No, it wasn’t. I was more willing to believe Kevin because I wanted to be with him but I can see how finding Sean as upset as he was would be enough evidence to convince Karen that we weren’t together anymore. Even though Sean may have felt that way because anger was making him want to believe I’d hurt him and we were through, he didn’t feel that we had broken up when we reconciled. And if we had been broken up, Sean would not have had any obligation to tell me what happened, but he did, which tells me that even if he told Karen that he was done with me in anger, he didn’t truly believe it once he got some clarity back the next morning. But by that point the damage was done.”

“But how do you know Karen didn’t come on to him after seeing how upset he was?”

“I don’t but I also don’t think that’s what happened. You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective, Anna. You’re looking at it from the view that Karen knew exactly what she was doing.”

“Yeah, cause she did.”

“I disagree. You’re making it completely black and white. You don’t know the whole story.”

“So tell me.”

“I think Karen comforted Sean that night because they are friends. You don’t work with someone and hear about their life and end up being completely ambivalent to each other. You don’t spend months on a tour bus together without developing some kind of working friendship. Sean has that with his band buddies and other crew members, Karen wouldn’t be any different. I think Karen wanted to comfort her colleague, not bed him. When I comfort you I’m not trying to sleep with you; I just want to help you talk about whatever is bothering you.”

“Okay…” Anna said trying to follow my logic.

“I think Karen has been trying to get over the break-up with her boyfriend and seeing Sean upset and trying to comfort him made those feelings of being dumped and practically thrown out of her shared apartment come back and she wanted a distraction from those feelings; so Sean used her to hurt me and Karen used Sean to make herself feel desirable again because she thought we were over. I totally get it and I don’t blame her. At all. Being mad at her isn’t going to fix anything; the only thing it’s going to do is direct my attention away from Sean’s behavior when all of my attention should be focused on it.”

“And yet, they still work together. They still travel together and they practically live together and you’re saying you don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I felt absolutely disgusted with myself when I realized that I had been dating someone who hadn’t actually broken up with their fiancé and I’m sure Karen feels exactly like I did, so I’m sure she won’t sleep with him again as long as we’re still together. Or, look at it this way: I have bigger problems than Karen on my plate right now.”

Anna shrugged but didn’t say anything. I went back to playing with Weatherly while she finished nursing Andrew. A few minutes later, Theo came home and I decided to leave.

I’ve been thinking about the conversations I’ve had about Karen with my friends and, honestly, what they’re saying is making it harder for me to get into the right frame of mind to focus on the relationship I have with Sean (not to mention that it’s bringing up residual guilt because I was unknowingly having an affair with an engaged man just like Karen probably did). The only thing these conversations have done is put doubt into how I feel about Karen; like there’s something wrong with me simply because I don’t blame her. I’m tired of being told to hate another woman who basically made the same mistake that I did in a previous relationship and it makes me wonder if my friends, deep down, think I’m just as evil or slutty or predatory like they think Karen is.

What it all boils down to, though, is this: I think blaming Karen would be the easy way of dealing with my relationship problems.
I t would be SO easy for me to throw my hands up and just say, “Well, Karen is just a manipulative whore who screwed my fiancée and ruined my perfect relationship and I’m going to claw her eyes out and that will make me feel better!” But that gives Sean a pass for cheating, in a way, because then it’s all Karen’s fault and it also implies that Sean can’t control himself while in the presence of other women. I might be mad at Sean, but he deserves more credit than that and shouldn’t be reduced to a walking penis. Holding Sean accountable for his actions is, ultimately, the only way that I can foresee myself getting through this because if I did blame Karen and I took the easy route I would never feel secure in a relationship ever again, even with the help of a relationship counselor. I recognize that the cheating wasn’t just an event that happened, it’s a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship I have with Sean: the fact that HE doesn’t want to trust ME. And THAT is what I need to focus my attention on. I can give Sean the chance to rebuild the trust he shattered but it’ll be a waste of our time if we don’t fix the problems in the foundation of our relationship and I think that’s what Anna, Molly, and Zoey just aren’t understanding.

If I allow myself to vilify Karen, it’s going to give me an excuse to live in denial about the serious problems in my relationship and I refuse to live in denial about them anymore, so that means I don’t get to take the easy route and blame her for the downfall of my relationship. The blame for that goes strictly to me Sean and me.


(I thought I'd post Monday's post early because I just got caught up on Bedroom Blog and feel bad that the only thing you guys have been able to read for the past two weeks are gross posts about K's pubic hair and the only way to comment on them is to have it show up on your Facebook accounts. So, no post on Monday because this is Monday's post! Enjoy! -del)

Laugh to Keep From Crying

Molly’s roommate, Leonard, was out of town visiting his sister who just had a baby so Molly invited Zoey and I to dinner (she invited Anna, too, but Anna wanted to spend time with the twins and her in-laws who are staying with her and Theo for the week) and we were currently waiting to eat dinner after setting the table. Molly made steak fajitas with onions and peppers from the farmer’s market that comes to her neighborhood every Sunday morning. Zoey and I had laid out a bowl of cheese, warmed tortillas, homemade pico de gallo, a bowl of sour cream, and a bowl of guacamole on the table amongst our wine glasses and plates when Molly came around the corner with the sizzling skillet.

Dinner was great. Molly told us that she and Calvin were doing really well. They aren’t exclusive yet but they were having a lot of fun together and she’s just going with the flow in that regard. Zoey is doing really well with Wesley, too. She told Molly all about their vacation and even showed her some pictures. And then we came to me.

“We saw our counselor the other day.” I said laying some onions on a tortilla,” First, Sean was late. SO late that our appointment was only 20 minutes.”

“How long are they supposed to be?” Molly asked.

“An hour.”

“Ouch.” She said spreading sour cream on her tortilla.

“Did he at least apologize?” Zoey asked refilling our glasses with more wine.

“Yeah, he promised it wouldn’t be a habit.”

“Well that’s good, right? It shows that he’s aware he needs to make an effort.” Molly said.

“Yeah. I guess. I don’t know, you guys. I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake.”

“What do you mean?” Zoey asked sprinkling cheese on her tortilla and folding it up.

“I thought I’d be able to overcome this but I just feel so angry all the time. I feel like I’m punishing Sean but at the same time I don’t feel bad about it because of what he did.”

“Have you talked to him about how you feel?” Zoey asked.

“I talked to him about what happened, but my feelings? No. I think it’s obvious to Sean how I feel.”

“Maybe telling Sean how you feel will give you a new perspective.” Zoey said sipping her wine.

“I think it’s okay to feel angry, in any case, Faith. He betrayed your trust. Speaking of that, how are you dealing with him being on tour with Karen?” Molly said.

“Honestly, I’m indifferent to Karen’s presence on tour with him.”

“Really?” Zoey and Molly said at the same time.

“Yeah.” I shrugged.

“But….how? She ruined your relationship!” Molly said with shock and an indignant tone.

“No. She didn’t. I’m not in a relationship with Karen, Molly. The only person who ruined my relationship with Sean was Sean. There’s always going to be some woman throwing herself at the men I date; if I allow myself to obsess about Karen or blame her for ‘stealing Sean’ or whatever then I will always be insecure in my future relationships. The truth is…Sean and I were having problems well before Karen came into the picture, she’s merely a symptom of the bigger problem.”

“That’s so…adult.” Molly said.

“It’s been known to happen.” I said smirking.

“You really don’t want to just punch her in the face? Or at least kick her down some stairs?” Zoey said.

“Nope. I mean, at first, I was mad at her, but I did A LOT of thinking about this situation and I decided that Karen could have been anybody. Sean is a musician; he’s going to have groupies throwing themselves at him for his entire career. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt as much if it was an anonymous groupie but I honestly don’t have any feelings toward Karen at all. The way I see it, all of my problems are with Sean. He chose to sleep with her-”

“But Karen also chose to sleep with him.” Molly pointed out.

“True, but, like I said, I’m not in a relationship with Karen. It’s not up to Karen to make sure my fiancé behaves while he’s on tour. She’s not his babysitter and I don’t expect her to police his behavior. Plus, I don’t really think she wants to be in a relationship with Sean. I think she was hurting from her recent break-up and made a stupid mistake. Sean on the other hand knew what he was doing. He basically told me that he only did it because he wanted to get revenge and hurt me. I have a bigger issue with that than I do with whatever was going through Karen’s head.”

“You don’t think you’re just in denial about it?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t think so. It’s possible I’m still in shock about the whole thing but it’s weird…it was easier to forgive Karen than it will be for me to forgive Sean. I don’t even know if that’s going to happen.”

“Faith, it’s okay if you’ve changed your mind about being with him.” Molly said putting a hand on mine.

“It’s not that…everything just…sucks.” I said bursting into tears, “Our counselor wants us to have sex before our next appointment. H-he said it would jump st-start our relationship and I-I don’t know i-if I can bring myself to do that r-right now.”

Zoey and Molly both looked shocked and repulsed.


“He wants you guys to…?” Zoey said with confusion.

“YES! THANK YOU!” I said pointing at her, “That’s exactly how I looked when he said it!”

“When’s your next appointment?” Molly asked.

“The 29th.”

“Do you think you’re going to find a way?” Zoey asked.

“I don’t know. It might just be one of those things that’s like ripping off a band-aid. It’s just easier to do it quickly to get it over with.”

“What happens if you don’t?” Molly asked.

“Mike said it would be a waste of our time to see him if we weren’t willing to increase our level of intimacy by a significant amount every session because of Sean’s schedule and the fact that we only see Mike every two weeks.”

A silence came over the table. All of us looked down at our plates until Molly broke the silence.

“Well…sometimes hate sex is fun…” The three of us burst out laughing.

First Kiss

I found myself sitting in the waiting room of the relationship counselor’s office waiting for Sean. His plane was delayed and he sent me a text saying he might be a few minutes late to our first session. I was irritated and kept wiggling my foot and looking at the clock. Mike, our counselor recommended by Dr. Sheehan, called me into his office after a few more minutes of waiting. Mike has cropped black hair and a meticulously manicured beard. He wears dark-framed, thick glasses and was wearing and brown suit.
I apologized for Sean’s lateness as I sat down in his office and explained the situation.
“That’s not a problem. Why don’t you explain why you guys are here today.” Mike prompted.
“Well,” I said trying to think of the best way to phrase everything, “Sean and I got engaged shortly before he left for tour, he’s a musician, and we’ve been having tension for a long time. I recently found out that he slept with his tour manager on our anniversary after a fight between us and after a lot of thinking about it I decided to stay with him and try to fix our relationship. So that’s where we’re at right now.”
Just then Sean came into Mike’s office apologizing profusely and sat in the chair next to mine. He was panting as if he’d ran here. The tension between him and I when he entered the room was still apparent, though (this was the first time seeing each other since we’d met in the park).
“Faith was just telling me what brought you guys here.” Mike explained calmly to Sean.
Sean gave me a sideways glance as if to gauge my mood.
“I’m sensing some tension.” Mike said.
I almost burst out laughing. That was an understatement, for sure. I hadn’t looked at Sean once since he’d come in. Neither of us said anything. I looked down at my nails; the long silence was very loud. Eventually Sean cleared his throat and spoke up.
“We haven’t seen each other since we last discussed my….”
“Infidelity.” Mike stated.
“Yeah.” Sean said.
I smirked on the inside. I liked that Mark was being direct about Sean’s actions.
“Sean you seem uncomfortable discussing this.” Mike never seems to ask questions; he makes comments, really.
“Well, I am.” Sean said.
“Is there a reason?” Mike asked.
“It’s a sensitive topic.” Sean chanced a look at me. I was still looking at my nails. “I don’t want to make anything worse.”
“Avoiding a candid discussion about this isn’t going to help either of you. Sean, you were unfaithful in your relationship with Faith. It happened. Let’s acknowledge it. Acknowledging what happened is the only way either of you will ever be able to move on from this.”
“Okay.” Sean said.
“Now, our time is almost up for today so-”
“What? We’ve barely just started talking.” I said looking up from my nails.
“We started rather late.” Mike said matter-of-factly.
I glared at Sean. It was the first time I looked at him during the appointment.
“Faith, you seem upset.”
“That’s because I am. I went to the trouble of setting up this appointment and Sean can’t even get here on time.” I said crossing my arms and looking out the window.
“My plane was late; I got here as fast as I could, Faith.”
“We can’t come here every week so it annoys me that you were late, especially since this is our first appointment and it’s going to last for less than 20 minutes because of you. If this becomes a habit, I don’t-”
“It won’t become a habit. I’ll just have to plan better.”
Sean and I were both looking at each other for the first time during our appointment. Mike cocked his head before deciding to move on.
“So, your homework for the next session is to have sex.”
Sean and I both looked at Mike with wide eyes full of confusion.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“What?” Sean said at the same time.
“I think that you two need to start building up the level of intimacy you have lost not just with Sean’s infidelity but with the tour, as well. Having sex will increase the intimacy the two of you will have and that can help repair the trust that was broken.”
“I fail to see how that will help. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him right now.”
“You’ve gotta bite the bullet at some point, Faith. Here’s the problem: Until the intimacy is reinstated and the trust at least has a foundation to be rebuilt on, then you may never want to have sex with Sean again. But you aren’t going to get that intimacy back with just talking to each other considering how much Sean will be away from you and touring. You need to have sex in order to kick start your relationship back into gear. We can try getting the intimacy back with talking and bonding sessions but because of your situation with touring, I’m going to be blunt: you’re just going to end up wasting your time here. It won’t work. So you need to have sex.”
Sean and I gaped at Mike.
“That’s going to be the worst sex, ever.” Sean said.
I nodded.
“Neither one of us is going to enjoy it. I obviously don’t want to and Sean knows that, how are we supposed to have sex knowing how the other one feels about it?”
“Well, I don’t recommend that you have sex immediately,” Mike said, “You just need to before we have our next session. You’re going to have to talk to each other and bond a little in order to make the sex more bearable. I don’t expect you guys to have the same sex you had prior to Sean’s infidelity but the talking and bonding will help you avoid having hate sex, for example.”
Sean and I were speechless.
Mike herded us out of his office, I paid his secretary, and then Sean and I left the building together. We stood in front of the main entrance doors to Mike’s office building looking at each other for a few moments.
“I’ve gotta go to the airport in about an hour and a half for check-in.” Sean said, “Do you want to grab something to eat?”
“No, I ate before I came here,” I said. It was true. I’m not sure I would have gone with Sean even if it hadn't been true.
“Um. So I’m going to go, then. I’m sorry for being late. It won’t happen again.” Sean said.
“Okay.” I said turning to go.
“Faith?” I turned back around, “Can I give you a kiss good bye?”
I considered this. My first instinct was to say ‘no’ but then I thought about our therapy session and the fact that I was at least going to have to try to make this relationship work.
“Okay.” I said.
Sean leaned in and we kissed. It was kind of awkward because it was sort of a peck but then not; but then it wasn’t very passionate. It was like the first kiss you have in junior high where you bang your heads together and then get out of sync and you just stand there with your mouths pressed together really tightly while not touching each other and wondering where to put your hands. I’ve definitely had better ones. I probably would have laughed if it had been under different circumstances.

Instinct Games

I had lunch with Dina, Suzy, and Steve today at work and told them about my situation with Sean.
“I’m glad you told us, Faith,” Dina said touching my hand, “We were kind of worried. You’ve seemed so down but none of us wanted to ask.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been squashing all of the office gossip about why you were down.” Suzy said stabbing her salad with her fork.
“Um. Thanks.” I said looking down at my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Do you know what you’re going to do?” Steve asked.
“No. I’ve been trying to figure it out but I’m really torn about it. I have no idea.”
“Have you guys been talking at all?” Dina asked.
“We’ve been keeping in touch; I’ve been updating him about the fact that I haven’t made a decision yet.” I joked weakly.
“You know I was cheated on once by a guy,” Steve said dipping a pita chip into some vegan humus, “we did get back together afterward but it didn’t last.”
“Oh.”
“Not because of the cheating, Faith, I just got tired of him, honestly. I was able to get past the cheating, actually.”
“Oh.” I said a little more cheerily.
“You know, you should just make a list of pros and cons and use that to decide for you.” Dina said.
“Or flip a coin.” Suzy said.
I changed the subject and finished my lunch listening to the others talk. When the lunch hour was over I checked in with Todd and Tanya on their progress before going back to my office. I struggled to get my work done until I gave in to making a pros and cons list since it had been suggested to me twice now. I kept adding to it in between answering e-mails, phone calls, and filling out paperwork and realized it was getting late. I had some time-sensitive paperwork regarding Tanya and Todd’s payment schedule to finish (it’s not on the same schedule the other staff has because of the uniqueness of their positions and commissions for work) so I ended up staying late. When I finally finished, I stretched in my chair, grabbed my bag, and headed toward the elevator to go home.
I noticed a light on as I came closer to the elevator. Stormy was still at work. I waved at him when I reached the end of the hallway.
“You’re still here?” I asked, “I thought we just made your job easier. You should go home.”
“I took on an extra story.” He said.
“Come on, we can share the elevator.” I said nodding my head toward it.
Stormy thought about it and then shut down his computer. I made small talk while he put his stuff away.
“How’s Rose?” I asked.
“She’s fine. Her roommate is moving out so she’s looking for a new one and is stressed out about it, but it’s not a huge deal. I’m sure she’ll find someone. How’s your fiancé?” He asked.
I silently kicked myself for asking about Rose.
“Um, we’re not engaged anymore. We’re kind of on a break right now.” I mumbled.
Stormy stood up and we started walking towards the elevator. He stopped me before we got there though.
“Faith, I’m really sorry for my behavior after our meeting with Veronica. It was inappropriate and if that’s why he’s-”
“It’s not.” I said before he got farther into it.
“So you guys aren’t together anymore?”
“I’m reassessing our relationship.” I said moving towards the elevator again.
“Oh.” He said.
We both went to push the button on the elevator and our hands touched. Stormy looked at me and our eyes locked. We got closer to each other very slowly, he dropped the briefcase he was holding and held my face in both of his hands, mine were on his chest. Right before our lips touched I realized what I was doing and gently touched his hands and bowed my head.
“Stormy, I can’t. I’m sorry.”
He lowered his hands and we broke apart like opposing magnets.
“No, I’m sorry that was-”
“It’s just that things are really complicated with my boyfriend right now and you’re with Rose. I just don’t need to make things even more difficult.”
“I understand, and like you said, I’m with Rose. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
We kept talking and rambling over each other all the way down on the elevator. It wasn’t until I got out to the lobby and Stormy left in the opposite direction that I realized I’d made my choice about what to do with Sean. I chose Sean in a situation where I wasn’t obligated to. I went with my gut. I sent him a text:
“I’m in.”

Time and Space

“Am I crazy?” I asked Zoey and Molly.

We were in a bookstore café perusing our purchases from a long day of shopping. I was sharing a slice of cheesecake with them and talking about my Sean problems.

“For wanting to work through it? I don’t know. Do you think he’ll cheat on you again?” Molly asked.

“No. I don’t, but I didn’t think he’d do it the first time, so obviously my judgment on that particular issue doesn’t really matter.”

“He’s agreed to see the counselor; that counts for something, right?” Zoey said.

“Yeah, I guess so. I just have a lot to think about.”

“Not really.” Zoey shrugged.

“What?”

“Go with your gut, Faith. Do you want to be with him?” She asked looking at me.

“I don’t know. I’m torn, part of me says ‘yes’ and another says ‘no’ but I can’t tell if the ‘no’ part of me thinks that only because women aren’t ‘supposed’ to stay with men who cheat on them. I also can’t tell if the ‘yes’ part of me wants to stay with him only because we were engaged.”

“You need something to force you to decide.” Molly said.

“Like what? A near-death experience?”

“No, like an instinct game.”

“A game?” I raised my eyebrow at her.

“Here, we can do it right now. I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to into your head, okay?” Molly said excitedly.

Zoey giggled and sat back to watch.

“Okay,” Molly said, “sports.”

“Baseball.”

“Mojito.”

“Mint.”

“Grand Canyon.”

“Arizona.”

“Harry Potter.”

“Awesome.”

“Twilight.”

“Horrible.”

“Sean.”

“T-shirts.”

Zoey raised her eyebrow at me and smiled.

“Really?” Molly said, “He’s your ex-fiancé and the only thing you come up with is ‘T-shirts’? Are you kidding me?”

I shrugged, “It’s what came to mind first. He looks hot in plain T-shirts, okay? Stop judging me!” I teased.

“You could make a pros and cons list.” Zoey joked.

I nudged her as we got up to leave.

I had a nice time shopping with them. It got my mind off of things for a little bit but I still have no idea what to do about my relationship. I’m so confused. Every time I try to think through it my thoughts get so meddled with all the complexities of the situation.

Interrogation

Sean and I decided that it would be best if we went somewhere quiet but in public. I honestly wasn’t sure if I even wanted him in my apartment so we settled on a park about 20 minutes from the airport. I met him there; I didn’t offer meeting him at the airport or arranging transportation for him. When he arrived I was sitting on a bench in a blue jersey dress and heels. I had left work for the day at lunch but didn’t tell Sean so if I wanted to leave I could tell him I had to get back to work. He was wearing a white t-shirt, dark jeans, and his normal tennis shoes. I stood up when I saw him, it was kind of awkward.

“Can I hug you?” He asked.

“No.” I said. My voice wasn’t malicious but I noticed Sean was hurt by that.

I started walking towards a section of the park where free-to-the-public cement chess tables were placed with cement stools on either side. I wanted to be looking at Sean when he explained himself. When we settled and sat down, I pulled out my list of questions and got to business.

“Okay, so I’m not really interested in hearing you say how sorry you are. I know you’re sorry but I deserve an explanation and answers to my questions. First question: When did this happen?”

Sean was quiet for a second, like he was trying to work up the courage to talk about all of this. Then he cleared his throat and rubbed his hands on his knees.

“The night of our anniversary.”

“Oh.” I took that in, then: “Is it ongoing?”

“No. It happened once and I immediately regretted it.”

“But you didn’t tell me about it until a month later.”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to tell you on the phone…”

“So you were going to wait until July.”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” I said trying to keep the anger out of my voice, “After everything you said when this happened with Guy? You told me that you would never cheat on me and if you did you’d tell me right away, yet you were going to wait until JULY?”

“Would you have wanted me to tell you over the phone?”

“No, I would have preferred you never sleep with someone else. I would have preferred you answered your phone when you stormed off instead of this.”

I knew I was being rude, but I think I was justified in my anger and I don’t regret letting it out. Sean took a deep breath and didn’t say anything so I continued on.

“Who was it?”

Sean physically squirmed in front of me and refused to meet my eyes.

"Does that matter?" He asked.

I gave him the dirtiest look I've ever given anyone in my life before venomously answering back.

"Yes. Was it a groupie for the band? Was it Tracy?"

"Tracy?"

"So it was her?"

"No. Faith, Tracy is gay."

"So who was it, then? You had to know I would ask this."

Sean sighed and looked down.

“It was Karen.”

I watched a woman run by us on a park path as I took that in.

“I see.” I said regaining my composure, “Was she good?”

“What!?” Sean looked at me like I had sprouted antlers.

“Was she great? Was it the best sex of your life? Is she more flexible than me?”

Sean started sputtering. He certainly didn’t expect me to be so direct.

“Sean, I’m asking you if having sex with her was worth ruining our relationship. Stop acting like I’m asking unreasonable questions.”

He glared at me and then conceded.

“No. It wasn’t.”

“Why did you do this to me?”

“I was mad at you, Faith. I was SO SURE you were cheating on me with that guy at your office. I was upset and stressed about the tour and when I got back to the buses after seeing that I was just so angry. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me and Karen happened to be there. She reminded me of you and we had the bus to ourselves because everyone was out celebrating Tracy’s birthday. She was there and she was comforting me because she and her boyfriend had just broken up. She was saying all the right things. One thing led to another and we…” Sean’s eyes started to fill up with tears, “we had sex. When I read your e-mail explaining things I felt horrible and-”

I held my hand up to stop him from going on.

“You told me you couldn’t get it up with people you don’t love, which in hindsight just seems like a load of bullshit and I never should have accepted that as an answer, but how exactly were you able to have sex with her with that problem?”

“I didn’t lie to you about that.”

“So you’re in love with Karen?” My stomach felt like it was filled with lead.

“No! I didn’t lie to you about my problem,” he lowered his voice, “but that was a long time ago. Therapy has fixed that particular issue for me. I don’t love her.”

“You didn’t take pills?”

“No!”

“Did anyone else know about this besides you and Karen?”

“No. We were alone and everybody else came back hours after we’d…finished.” Sean was visibly uncomfortable but I really didn’t care.

"So you guys have just been working together all this time like it never happened?"

"We've been avoiding each other and keeping it as professional as before it happened."

“Okay.” I said, “What do you want to happen?”

Sean seemed surprised by this question.

“I’d like for things to go back to normal but I know that’s not a possibility.”

“So you want to continue our relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“I need to think about it, especially now that I have all of this new information to take into consideration. But if we do go that route there are few things I’m going to need.”

“Okay.”

“We’d need to see a relationship counselor once every two weeks. I’m not going to be able to move past this without a professional’s guidance and help so if you say ‘no’ to the counselor I’m not even going to try and continue our relationship.”

“How am I supposed to do that with the tour?”

“You’ll have to figure it out. That's your problem, not mine. At least, not anymore. Talk to Karen about the schedule or something.” Sean winced at the sound of her name,” Also, the engagement is off.”

“Okay. Is that everything?”

“No. I need to say this: I honestly don’t even know if I want to be with you anymore. I’m still in love with you but the truth is, Sean, I’ve been really unhappy throughout our entire relationship and I don’t know if I want to work as hard as we will need to in order to fix it, if it can even be fixed.”

“I understand that.”

“I’m going to go; I have to be back at work soon. I’ll let you know what I decide when I have some time to think about everything.”

“Okay.”

We both stood and stared at each other and then started walking back the way we came until it was time to split apart. As I went to leave, Sean lightly touched my hand to stop me.

“Faith, I really am sorry for hurting you like this. I made a huge mistake because I allowed my judgment to be clouded with anger and you deserve so much better than that. I’ve never betrayed someone like this; I’m not that guy-”

“But you are that guy, Sean, because you did cheat on me, just like Kevin did,” He opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off, “The circumstances may have been different, but it doesn’t matter. You hurt me just like he did and the pain isn’t any different, in fact, it’s worse because I trusted you so much more than I ever trusted Kevin. You threw away our relationship because of your own insecurities and because you couldn’t trust me as much as I trusted you.”

I turned on my heel and walked away. I refused to look back.