Going in Blind

I’ve been working day shifts at Bruno’s because I have the show to call cues for at night during the run and as I was leaving for the show tonight, I ran into Brad who was just arriving for his shift. Well, I ran into Brad and Angel.

I walked out through the back door and into a make out session.

“Oh!” I said awkwardly.

They broke apart and Angel smiled at me while she ran her hands up and down Brad’s arm.

“Sorry, Faith, didn’t mean to be in your way.” Brad said sliding over so I could pass by them without having to sidle next to the dumpster.

“It’s okay.” I said hitching my bag up on my shoulder and walking past.

I heard Brad mumble something and then the door to the bar close before I could feel someone’s hand on my arm. I turned around to find Brad.

“I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

I gave him a dirty look before turning on my heel and heading out of the alley.

“Come on, Faith!” He said.

I spun back around.

“I don’t know what you want from me Brad. I don’t care. Make out with your girlfriend, hump her in a movie theatre while I’m sitting right next to you, whatever.”

“She’s really into PDA.” He said trying to offer up an excuse. He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at his shoes.

“Okay?” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

“I’m sorry if seeing me with someone else is hard for you. I got that vibe from our night at the movies.”

“I won’t lie, Brad, my feelings were hurt, but not because you brought Angel with you. You and Cara didn’t tell me you were bringing dates. I felt like a third wheel the whole night.”

“Oh…Cara was supposed to tell you.”

“Yeah, well, she didn’t.”

There was an awkward silence.

“So…you’re okay with me dating Angel?” He asked sheepishly.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I told you to move on…and you most certainly did.”

“See, that right there! That attitude you’ve got. You clearly are not okay with it.”

I sighed with annoyance.

“Brad, did you ever think that maybe my annoyance has to do with me constantly running into you and Angel playing tonsil hockey? It’s gross. Quit it. You’re 27 years old, it’s a little late to act like a 12 year old boy, don’t you think.”

“Okay, fine. We’ll tone it down.”

“Thanks.” I said before leaving. I didn’t say good bye.

The show went fine last night and today was my day off. I ended up hanging out at home and relaxing. I was giving myself a pedicure while Murphy played with his favorite mousie toy when my eyes fell on the slip of paper on my desk Molly had given me. I penguin walked over to it (so I wouldn’t mess up my freshly painted toenails) and thought about whether or not I should call the number written on it.

“What the hell?” I said grabbing my cell phone and shrugging.

I took a deep breath and dialed it. And then I hung up after one ring. I took another deep breath and tried again. A man answered it.

“Hello?”

“Um…hi. My name is Faith, you gave my friend Molly your phone number after my apartment burned down.” I winced at what a lousy introduction that was.

“Oh…hi. I, uh, I’d given up on you ever calling me. I’m surprised you even bothered.”

“Really? Why?”

“Well, because picking up girls that you know because their home was on fire is usually not the best introduction for asking people out.”

We laughed.

“Actually, I just figured you had more stuff to think about what with your apartment burning down and your cat…” He said.

“Oh, that’s actually why I was calling. My cat was found. He’s happy and healthy and home with me. I found him a few weeks ago in a shelter.”

“Wow, lucky cat.”

“You have NO idea.” I found myself smiling, “But I wanted to thank you for trying to find him for me that night. I thought you’d want to know that he’d been found.”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’m glad he was found.”

There was a somewhat awkward pause on the phone.

“My name is Mike, by the way.”

“Oh. Mine is Faith.

“Yeah…you mentioned that.”

“Oh.” I said feeling myself blush.

“How are you doing after the fire?” He asked.

“I’m doing well. I found a new apartment and I’m back on my feet now. It was a hard thing to go through, but I’m past the hardest parts, especially now that Murphy has been found.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. It’s a shame that they still haven’t found out who the arsonist was that set that fire. I’m sorry about all of your neighbors.

“Thanks.” I said somberly.

“Look, do you, uh…you wanna grab some coffee some time?” He asked.

I smiled…I could practically hear him blush through the phone as he asked.

“I’d like that.” I said.

We decided to meet for a coffee date on Thursday in the late morning. It actually took a lot longer than I expected. My work schedule is pretty hard to work around with a normal person, but Mike is a firefighter and has an even weirder schedule than I do. I’m really looking forward to this date.

Movie Madness

Tonight was the opening of the show! There was an opening party afterward. I made a brief appearance before heading to meet Brad and Cara for the movies. When I got there, there were four people instead of two.

“Hey guys.”  I said walking up to them.

“Oh, good, you’re here! Let’s grab our tickets.” Cara said grabbing my hand.

“Cara, calm down, we have 30 minutes before it starts.” Brad said laughing, “Faith, that’s Cara’s boyfriend, Liam, and this is Angel, my girlfriend.”

“Wha-uh-oh.” I said feeling like the loneliest person in the world and quite possibly the biggest third wheel ever. I shook Liam’s and Angel’s hands before Cara dragged me to the ticket booth.

Liam is a young twenty-something guy with short brown hair. He’s about four inches taller than Cara and was wearing a brown suede jacket, light jeans, and a batman t-shirt. Angel had long black hair, really pale make-up, and was dressed all in black. Her lipstick was black and her eye makeup was all black, too. She had a nose ring, a lip ring, and safety pin going through her industrial piercing on her right ear. She was wearing huge black platform shoes that laced up all the way to her knees with skull-patterned laces. I wasn’t surprised that Brad would date someone like that, he’s into the alternative scene and also dresses in primarily black things. I wasn’t as shocked by her appearance at the PDA they were sporting. I glanced at Liam while Brad and Angel basically tried to swallow each other, he was visibly uncomfortable.

“You could have told me you guys were bringing…people.” I said when Cara and I reached the ticket kiosk.

“What? I thought Brad told you...or maybe I was supposed to…whatever! You’re here now, so let’s grab some popcorn!”

I tried to pretend like I was happy and excited about the movie but it would be a big fat lie to say I wasn’t hurt a little bit (or a lot, really).

I ended up sitting next to Brad and Angel in the theatre and that was…uncomfortable. They made out the entire movie and the slurping sounds made me lose my appetite for my overpriced popcorn. At one point Brad kept bumping into me because of how forcefully Angel was pushing herself onto him. I couldn’t wait until the movie was over so I could leave.

When the credits finally rolled up, we all walked out as a group.

“That was a great movie!” Cara said.

“Yeah, it was.” Brad said.

I had to stifle a derisive snort. I’m surprised Brad even knew the name of the movie considering how absorbed he was with Angel the entire time. When I got home, Molly noticed that I was annoyed.

“What’s up? What happened?” She asked as Murphy came running to me.

I picked him up and then plopped down on the couch next to her.

“Cara and Brad brought dates.” I said glumly while I stroked Murphy.

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. They didn’t tell me so I was the third wheel the whole time. And you were right, Brad has a new girlfriend.”

“Are you okay?” She said gently.

“You know…I am. I really am. I’ve seen Brad in a new light and I didn’t like it. At all. I think tonight was just what I needed to get over whatever it is that we had. I hope he and Angel are very happy.”

“Angel?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s fitting, kind of.”

“What? Why?”

“Because isn’t Angel an old television character who was a vampire? She kind of looks like one, so…”

“Molly that’s a terrible thing to say…Even if it is true.” I smiled.

“That’s my girl.” She said giving me hug.

“From now on, I only want to go to the movies with my girls.” I said.

“Understandable. We’d at least tell you if we were bringing dates.”

“You know, I felt really lonely at first but then I realized that there was no reason for me to feel lonely. Sure, I didn’t have a date to make out with throughout the whole movie but I was with two of my friends. So that’s one thing to keep it all in perspective.”

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“Who would you have brought if they’d told you to bring someone?”

“You, duh. Maybe Adam, I know he’s a fan of Batman.”

That was a lie, though. I was already with the person I would have brought. The problem was that he brought someone else. But I am really over him now.

Spotted!

It’s currently tech week with the show. Production has actually gone somewhat smoothly up to this point. Tucker cancelled a rehearsal because he was hung over last week and one time he showed up an hour late but I think, overall, I’ve kept him under control. But tech week is a lot more stressful than rehearsals. Each rehearsal during tech week is so long and it’s super tedious because we have to go through every cue of the show. It’s really all for my benefit since I call the cues and this is the only time during the entire process that I really get to practice calling them. Thankfully, though, the set is really simple, there are no moving pieces to worry about. I do have two projection screens, though, so I have special cues for the images that come up on those in addition to lights, sound, and actor cues.

I met with my run crew (the people who work behind stage), light board operator, and sound board operator. I gave them a breakdown I made assigning them each to their jobs before posting a schedule for the day. I already had all the cues written on my script from paper tech the day before, so I was ready.

I think the first day went really well. I feel really good about my cue calling and my crew is GREAT and the actors were all really professional. I did notice that people were getting tired as the day went on, so I appreciate that they didn’t let that affect their professionalism. Molly waited for me as I locked everything up and went through my check-ins for the night (make sure all the props are still there, all the doors are locked, costumes have been stored, etc.). We went home but stopped and grabbed some burgers on the way.

We both practically collapsed on the couch with our food. Murphy came running and sat on my knees while I inhaled my fries. He’s been very clingy (understandable) since I brought him home.

“How’s Brad?” Molly asked.

“I think he’s good. Things at work are more civil than ever and I think he’s moved on. I sent him and Cara texts to see if they wanted to go see the new Batman movie. We’re all going to see a midnight showing of it on opening night after the show ends. They’ll be getting off work and I’ll be done closing everything down so we’d figure we’d go. I’m on days now, except for weekends so I won’t see him as much. Why do you ask?”

“I saw him the other day.”

“Where?”

“I was at the fabric store picking up some last minute trims for the show and he was at an outdoor café across the street.”

Molly had met Brad while visiting me at work once. He’s actually met all of my friends except Anna and Adam.

“Okay.”

“Faith…he was with someone.”

“So? We aren’t dating, Molly. Why should I care who he sees outside of work?”

She shrugged, “Okay then.”

I couldn’t help my curiosity, though.

“How do you know he was on a date?” I asked looking at her sideways.

“Um, his face was practically glued to hers until their waiter came to take their order.”

“What did she…how did she look?” I asked trying to sound nonchalant.

“You are SO jealous!” Molly said.

“I am not, I’m just curious. Seriously, what was I supposed to ask when you bring something like this up!?”

“Okay, fine, sorry! Let’s just watch yesterday’s Project Runway and eat.”

“Fine.” I said grabbing my burger.

Later, I was laying in bed with Murphy curled into a furry purring ball next to me and I couldn’t stop thinking about Brad being on a date with someone. I know I asked him to move on but I guess I just thought it would take him longer. But it’s been two months since we had that talk…I have no right to feel jealous but at the same time, it’s weird that Brad hasn’t said anything about it at work. I imagine he decided not to because of our history. I’m kind of hurt that he wouldn’t share that with me even though it’s stupid for me to feel that way. I keep finding myself hoping that Molly was just confused and it was someone else she saw.

Treasure Hunt

I have been so incredibly busy, lately with work and volunteering and my classes! Yesterday was a very emotional day.

I volunteered at the shelter yesterday. I walked into the front office to get a leash so I could walk Sarah the pit bull when I heard Nancy hang up the phone and sigh.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Another volunteer quit at our smaller shelter in the city. They’re already understaffed and I don’t know what we’re going to do about it.”

“Well, I could volunteer there for awhile if you’re willing to spare me. It’s closer to home, so it really wouldn’t be an imposition. I could even keep coming here in addition to the city shelter.” I said shrugging.

“Would you really want to do that? It would be helping us tremendously but I don’t want you to feel obligated, you already do a lot here.”

“Are you kidding? I love volunteering here, sign me up!”

Nancy had Doc drive me over there right away. The city’s shelter just got a huge influx of dogs that were seized from a dog fighting ring and really needed help. I tried to do what I could: made beds for the dogs that passed health screens, filled up food and water bowls, helped give some of the dogs baths, etc. By the end of my shift, I was exhausted. I went to the front desk and grabbed my purse and bag before heading out to rehearsal. As I was leaving, I had to walk past some of the animals up for adoption and I stopped cold. There was a cat meowing at me. I did a double take and thought I was seeing things.

It was Murphy!

I ran to the glass and put my hand against it. His eyes were huge and he started spinning in circles and rubbing against the glass. I went to the front desk as fast as I could.

“My cat is here!” I said.

“What?” The lady at the counter said.

“You have my cat here, he’s up for adoption and I want him.”

“Oh, that’s so nice! Usually our volunteers try to avoid the adopting animals because they already have so many. It’s so great that you’ve found a pet you want.”

“No, you don’t understand.” I said getting frustrated, “Murphy is my cat. I owned him before. I thought he died in an apartment fire. He’s been missing for months and he’s here!”

The woman just stared at me like I was crazy.

“Come here, I’ll show you, he knows it’s me!” I went down to his kennel and he was pawing at the glass trying to get out.

“If you’d like to adopt Oscar you’ll have to pay a fee.”

“Oscar?” I said crinkling my nose, “Do you have access to humane society records?”

“Yes.”

“Look me up. You’ll see I adopted him. There’s bound to be a description or even a picture of the cat I adopted, I KNOW it’s him.”

She sighed and walked back to the front desk and sat down at a computer. I gave her my information.

“Well, it shows that you adopted a cat but they failed to include a picture, so there’s no way for me to confirm that that’s the cat you adopted. You’ll have to pay the adoption fee. I can’t just GIVE you a cat because you claim he used to be yours and you lost him.”

“I didn’t LOSE him! My apartment burned down and he disappeared. I thought he DIED!”

“Well, our records show that he doesn’t have a microchip implant, if you had actually adopted him, he’d have one with the humane society’s information about your address.”

“That’s because it was taken out of him.”

She looked at me like I was trying to convince her that the moon landing was a hoax.

“You know what? Fine!” I said.

I was so angry and sick of arguing with this woman. I whipped out my check card and handed it to her fuming. And maybe I was just taking it personally, but she seemed to be taking an unnecessarily long time with the paperwork.

“While you handle all of that can I at least SEE him?” I said waspishly.

She gave me a dirty look before letting me into a very small room with a bench in it. I sat down and she shut the door. A few seconds later she returned with a squirming Murphy in her arms. He practically jumped away from her to get into my lap and immediately started purring. I started sobbing immediately.

“I missed you SO MUCH!” I said holding him to me and crying into his fur, “Mommy loves you!”

Murphy is pretty thin. And he has a cut on his front leg that seems to have healed a long time ago. I called Zoey while the woman finished up with my paperwork.

“Oh my God, what is wrong!?” Zoey asked when she answered the phone and heard me sobbing.

“I found….Murphy!” I cried. I told her where I was and asked her to pick us up so I could get him home before I had to go to work and she was on her way within seconds of hanging up.

Finally, my paperwork went through and I was given a cardboard kennel for Murphy. I waited for Zoey outside the shelter and we stopped at a pet store to buy Murphy a litter box, food, a new bed, and some toys (of course). When I got him home, I immediately had to leave to get to work and all through rehearsal I kept thinking about getting home to him.

I still can’t believe I found him and that he’s here with me right now, sitting next to me while I type this up. It’s so surreal to have him back home with me again.

New Phase

I just finished my first week of rehearsal with the cast. Molly plays Amanda, the mother. The rest of the cast I had never met before. Laura, the daughter, is played by a young woman named Francine while Tom, the main character, is played by a (pretty hot) guy named Marshall. The Gentleman Caller is played by a guy named Rudy. Overall, my cast is friendly and I think working with them will be smooth.

I have a production meeting tomorrow where I will meet all of the designers for the first time. Molly is the assistant costume designer so she’ll be there which will be nice. At least I’ll know someone besides Tucker and Eddie. I feel prepared for it so I’m not too worried.

Volunteering at the shelter is going well and so are my classes. Working at Bruno’s has gotten to be better with regard to me and Brad. I think he’s started moving on, which is a good thing. I talked to Bruno and told him about my new job as a stage manager and let him know that during our performance season, I’ll have to change my shift to be day time since our shows are on at night. Weekends will be really tricky. I think I’ll have to work in the afternoon and then come back after the 7:30 performances are done. Bruno is being pretty flexible about it so I’m incredibly lucky in that regard.

My stipend for the show was deposited into my savings account a few days ago and it was a weird feeling to have my savings account contain more than $100 for the first time in months. I, of course, had to budget it out to pay for rent, bills, and student loan payments, but I still have some left which is nice. I might take myself shopping once the show is done to reward myself, especially since I haven’t been shopping for a really long time…at least not for fun. The last time I went shopping for clothes was when Zoey took me to buy underwear and socks right after the fire. Most of the clothes in my closet are things the girls gave/bought me. They have good taste, but it would feel GREAT to reward myself with a sexy little dress or a big comfy sweater from closing my first theatre show. We open on July 26^th and close on September 9^th. 

Tucker

I met with Tucker and I can certainly see why he’s difficult to work with, and I can’t honestly say I’m thrilled to be working with him. We met at a café nearby Eddie’s theatre. I introduced myself and then grabbed an iced coffee and a muffin before coming back to our table to get down to business.

Tucker was wearing fake thick-rimmed hipster glasses, a plaid vest over a shabby blue t-shirt, and a pair of gunmetal gray jeans. He has a beard and mousey brown hair. I was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a simple black t-shirt and my hair was up in a simple pony tail. I decided to ask Tucker some questions to get a better understanding of his directing style and expectations of me as his stage manager.

“Do you prefer to take a five minute break every 55 minutes or a ten minute break every 80 minutes?”

“I don’t really allow breaks.”

“Really? Because Eddie told me that even though we aren’t a union-affiliated theatre, we’re supposed to be following union rules and those break times are fairly standard.”

“Well, Eddie doesn’t have to know.” He said whipping out his iPhone to text something.

“Actually, he does. I have to send him a rehearsal report at the end of every rehearsal so that he can be kept in the loop. He IS one of the producers and the owner of the theatre so it’s necessary that he receives my reports and he’ll be looking to see that we’re following union rules. Eddie wants his theatre to be classified as a union house soon and it’s important that we apply union rules for him to get that classification.”

I noticed that Tucker wasn’t paying attention. Or texting. He was staring at my chest. I cleared my throat and he looked up.

“Fine, whatever. Every 80 minutes, I guess.” He said looking at his phone again.

“We’ll also need to assign one day a week as a dark day where we don’t have any rehearsals or shows. When we switch to performances, our dark day will be Monday, but for the rehearsal period, it can be whatever day you’d like. The previous stage manager hasn’t been returning any of my attempts to contact her for the existing schedule so I think I’m going to have to make one. Which day would you prefer?”

“We didn’t have a schedule.”

“How is that even possible?” I said getting frustrated at Tucker’s lack of cooperation.

“I would decide whether or not I wanted to have rehearsal and all of the cast was on call.”

He then resumed looking at my chest, which, I want to point out was not on display. I was wearing a t-shirt. At this point I decided to cut the crap.

“Hey,” I snapped my fingers at him, “Eyes up here, Tucker. This is how this is going to go: I’m going to make a schedule and give you the opportunity to approve it, then I will have Eddie approve it and we will start giving the cast an actual schedule to follow. We will follow union rules. And you will STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS.”

Tucker looked up at me again and leaned forward.

“I like a woman who takes charge.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.

“Never gonna happen.” I said sitting back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest.

“You wouldn’t regret it. I’m an excellent ride.” He said winking at me.

“Oh, I seriously doubt that. Can we please just keep things professional? You lost your fist stage manager because you were dating and things ended badly, so let’s just avoid repeating that particular event.”

“Fine, but only because the integrity of my show is more important than you tempting me away from my artistry.”

I rolled my eyes and got back to business. Within an hour we hammered out a schedule and I e-mailed it to Eddie for approval. He got back to me in five minutes saying it looked great. I really have my work cut out for me with this show when it comes to dealing with Tucker. What a skeeze.

One Giant Leap...

I had my career changer class last night. We mostly worked on how to sell yourself in an interview using your previous career’s experiences and applying it to a hypothetical new career path. We did mock interviews for the majority of the class with Sue correcting us as we went. I felt kind of silly but I learned a few really helpful tips.

As everyone was gathering their things to leave, Sue passed around a sign-up sheet for our private consults. I signed up for a time and then approached her.

“Sue?”

She turned around from packing her briefcase.

“Yes, Faith?”

“I was wondering if I could talk to you about something for a minute…”

“Okay. Go for it.”

“I’ve been offered a work opportunity that could lead to a career but I really just need some advice.”

“What field is it in?”

“It’s in theatre. I would be a stage manager.”

“And you used to work in HR, right?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of advice are you looking for?”

“Well…whether or not I should take it.”

We laughed.

“Hmmm. Theatre is a risky career choice. There’s so much competition and the pay isn’t as great or as stable as pretty much any other job. But, if you take this opportunity, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to commit to it as a new career choice. I’d say go for it. Opportunities like this don’t come around that often, especially for professional theatre spots. If you don’t like it, take your paycheck and look for something else, I say.”

I thanked her and thought about what she said on my short walk home. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of taking the stage management job for the past two days. When I got home, I plopped down next to Molly.

“Hey, how did your class go?” She asked.

“I think you should give me Eddie’s number.” I said.

“REALLY!?”

“Yeah, but I have a feeling I’m going to regret this somehow.” I sighed as Molly ran to get her phone.

I spoke with Eddie for about 25 minutes and e-mailed him my resume. He hired me after a short phone interview and then gave me all the details. I start tomorrow. I’ve spent most of the day being e-mailed all sorts of documents and phone numbers and calendars for the production. The show is The Glass Menagerie. The director’s name is Tucker and I’m going to meet him for lunch later today, here’s hoping I don’t immediately regret this.

An Actual Paycheck?

My new cooking class is super fun! The teacher’s name is Ty and he’s a 30-something guy with a serious passion for food. He taught us how to make five-cheese ravioli during our first class. Our class is 8 weeks long and he asked us all to write down things we wanted to learn on 3x5 cards. Some people asked about appetizers while others wanted to learn desserts. Ty said that we would do a unit on appetizers but desserts were going to have to be for another class because the techniques are usually more advanced. I might sign up for that one after this class finished up.

The best part about this class is that Ty doesn’t use overly complicated and difficult recipes; a lot of them are actually a mixture of homemade and store-bought. Like, for the ravioli, we used store bought pasta sheets to make them but we made our own egg washes with seasonings to add our own touch and build the ravioli ourselves. And we made the sauce from a combination of homemade and store bought stuff, too.

My career-changer class is only 6 weeks long and is taught by an older woman named Sue. Aside from career-changing advice, she also gives financial and budget advice. She also teaches a class completely about finances and budget that I’m considering taking once this one is over. Our first class was kind of boring but we had to get a lot of procedural stuff down, like resumes and cover letters. Next week is how to sell yourself and your skills to different fields. And our last class, all of us get to schedule a time with Sue for a personal consult.

When I got home from work, Molly was home. She usually has rehearsal or work at the hotline so I was surprised to see her.

“Hey.” She said from the couch, “You want some wine?”

“Sure,” I said grabbing a glass from the cupboard and setting my bag down.

I joined her on the couch and kicked my shoes off.

“I didn’t think you’d be home.” I said as she poured.

“Well, rehearsal is kind of…on hold for right now.”

“Really? I thought rehearsals were pretty inflexible.”

“They are. The whole production has been put on hold.”

“Why?”

“Our stage manager and director got into a HUGE fight. The stage manager quit so Eddie has to find a new one and they aren’t really easy to come by. No one wants to work with our director. He’s not a very easy person to work with.”

“Who is Eddie?”

“He’s the producer, he owns the theatre we’ve been working with for this show.”

“Wow.” I said taking a sip of wine, “So are you going to audition for a different show and leave this one?”

“I honestly don’t know yet. Hence the wine. It’s a pretty dire situation, Faith. I really need the money this show would bring in. I could finally pay off my car with some of it. They’re paying me to act and to be a seamstress for the costume designer. Aside from the financial pay off, working with this designer is a big opportunity for me career-wise. I don’t know what to do yet.”

“Well, if the stage manager quit, something big must have happened. I remember stage managing in college for a few shows and it’s a tough job but usually you just go with the flow. I wonder what happened.”

“There are rumors that they were sleeping together and things ended badly…but you’ve stage managed?”

“Molly, my bachelor’s degree is IN theatre. It was my major. I have a double major in communications and theatre. I thought you knew that?”

“UM. NO. Faith you should throw your hat into the ring! Give me your resume; I’ll give it to Eddie!”

“Molly, I haven’t worked in theatre since college. There are more qualified people out there, trust me. Besides, you just told me how much of a nightmare the director is to work with. I don’t need that. Not after working with Kevin.”

Molly was really discouraged and finished off her glass of wine. I felt bad for her and wanted to cheer her up so I kind of lied.

“I’ll…I’ll think about it, okay?” I said.

“Really, Faith!? I think it would be awesome if we worked together. I promise, I’m an ideal actor, I’m always on time and I memorize my lines really fast. You wouldn’t have to worry about a single problem when it comes to me!”

“I said I’d think about it, Molly, not that I’ll do it.”

“Do you want to know how much you’d be paid?” She asked giving me a sideways glance.

“Molly….I said I’d thi-”

She blurted the number out and I was flabbergasted. It was a lot of money. I’ve been living paycheck-to-paycheck since working at Bruno’s. I’ve only really been able to save a small amount of money because my student loans are so expensive. I’ve only been able to pay off the interest since the fire, but taking that job would fix a lot of that. I’d be paid half when the show closed and half when I signed my contract. I would have enough money to pay off one of my smaller student loans and even have a small reminder of what my savings account looked like before being unemployed and losing all my stuff in the fire.

I wasn’t really going to think about taking the job, I just told Molly that so she wouldn’t get too sad while drinking but I’m seriously considering it now. Am I crazy?

Weekly Commitment

Today was my first day at the animal shelter. It’s a no-kill shelter and there are so many different kinds of animals. It’s sort of far away, I had to borrow Molly’s car in order to get to it but it’s a big place so it was easy to find. They have cats and dogs but they also have farm animals that are up for adoption, too so they have a large acreage for the goats, horses, pigs, and even a baby cow that somehow wandered onto the property. During my weekly shift I’m in charge of picking up the poop in the yard that the dogs play in and making sure the water trays in the barn and other outdoor areas are filled. After my chores are done, I get to hang out with the animals for as long as I want. I took a big German shepherd named Bruce out for a walk along the property along with a little white toy poodle named Margot, a fat bulldog named Sam, and a pit bull named Sarah. After that I brushed a black pomeranian named Todd.

I didn’t go into the cat area; I don’t think I’m ready. I did see it from far away, though. The cats all seem to have their own little area but mostly live in a large communal area with lots of toys, cat trees, and scratching posts. The litter box room is off to the side and is its own separate space for the cats to get some privacy. There also looks to be another room but I don’t know what it’s for.

Nancy is the volunteer supervisor at the shelter and she’s a very nice woman. She was wearing jeans and a blue plaid shirt over a black tank top when I walked in and shook her hand. She gave me the tour of the acreage and the volunteer sign-in area. Then she showed me how they end up taking animals.

“Obviously, when an animal is brought here we can’t put them into the regular population until they’ve been given a health screen.” She said walking into a large white room full of metal cages and medical equipment, “This is where the animals are kept until their health screens are complete. We have several vets that volunteer their time here to assess the health of our animals new and old. Our shelter mainly relies on volunteers in order to do what we do. There are only three paid employees: me, Jan, and Doc. Jan is our vet tech, she monitors the health of our animals and makes sure they get the health care they need if they ever get sick. Doc helps maintain the facility. He fixes fences, mows the grass, that kind of stuff. I run the website and manage the volunteers.”

She ended the tour back at the front desk.

“We are mostly funded by private donations. A lot of people give us food for the animals but it usually isn’t enough to last for a significant amount of time. There are a few local businesses that donate some of their profits to us and, of course, small donations from families that are familiar with what we do. We also make money from the adoption fees of the animals.”

I asked if there were any pamphlets that I could maybe give out at work and she handed me a box of them. I think Bruno might be interested in helping the shelter out so I’m going to talk to him about it when I go to wok later. I’m sure he’ll at least let me set out the pamphlets to help advertise it.

I had a fun time at the shelter and I think it will be a nice escape for me to have every week. My cooking class and career-changer class starts up this week, too. I like being busy. I think I’ve been so complacent about my life ever since Sean and I broke up that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to have plans that don’t revolve around anyone else but myself.

Self-Care

Now that I’ve decided to take some time away from dating and just focus on myself I’ve started a bunch of projects. I bought a gym membership to try and get myself more active, I can’t just sit around eating pizza and watching Project Runway all day after all. I also started a painting project in my room. I’m painting some cherry blossom sprigs on my walls and Molly even helped me make some new curtains for my room. They’re gauzy and really open it up with light.

I’ve also taken an interest in our balcony garden. I repotted some plants into old pots that I re-painted and got rid of a dying and infested spider plant in exchange for a new one. Basically, I’ve been a busy-body and I’m looking into some adult classes I could take at the community center. The hula hopping class I took there was fun but I eventually stopped because there’s just not enough room in city apartments to hula hoop. Maybe I can bring my hoop to the gym and do it there. There are a couple classes that interest me. One is a cooking class and I could seriously use some cooking help, I only know how to prepare a few dishes and mostly rely on microwaveable food or take-out. There’s another one that is a class about changing careers that I think would be practical to take. I can’t be a bartender forever and I certainly don’t want to be one forever so I think that class will give me a nice kick to get back in the game with a career job. The last class is a self-defense class. I’m not sure if I’ll enroll in it or not, I think the fees for the cooking class and career changer class are high enough so I might put that self-defense class on the back-burner for now.

In other news, my brother and Shannon broke up. I don’t know why and I kind of don’t want to. I figure it’s between him and Shannon and if he wants to share then he will. My mom called me with the news to try and get my take on it but I had nothing to say about it, really. I wouldn’t want people poking into my break-ups uninvited so I’m not going to do it to my brother. I guess she moved out and they are totally over. There was a time when they might have gotten back together but it’s Facebook official that they are over so I guess that’s that.

I start volunteering in one a shelter next week and I’m super excited about it. I think with the community center’s classes, my gym membership, work, and volunteering and the shelter, I’m going to be plenty busy and have lots of time to focus on myself. I can’t believe it’s already been two months since the fire. They still haven’t figured out who did it but there haven’t been any other arson cases that seem like the same suspect so I guess that’s a good thing. People were worried about a serial arsonist being on the loose but it doesn’t look like that’s the case, at least not with my building’s fire. I got an e-mail from Randy the other day. He and Teddy ended up moving to Seattle and they’re very happy there. Apparently, his wife’s family is based there and it’s been really good for Teddy to have that connection so I’m happy for them.

Clear-Headed, For Once

I went over to Anna’s house for some twin time (they are getting SO big) and coffee. I told her about my confusing relationship situation and asked for her advice while the twins took a nap.

“I apologized to him and things have been steadily getting friendlier at work now. I think he might even be dating someone.” I said helping Anna fold a mountain of laundry.

“So, then he’s out of the picture now? Romantically speaking?” Anna asked.

“Yep. And so is Luke. He was all wrong for me anyway.”

“So…are you just going to take a break from dating for awhile?” Anna asked.

“I think so. I’m pretty sure I need to. I need there to be a break from all the dating issues. I feel like there was never really a break for me between all of these relationships with men I’ve had over the past two years, you know? Like, I stopped dating Dean and then almost immediately started dating Kevin and when that went south, Sean and I met and started casually seeing each other until things were made official and then when we finally broke up I just started going on this slew of bad dates with whoever showed me any interest. It’s time I stopped dating for awhile.”

“I think that’s a really good thing, Faith.” Anna patted my hand.

“I’ve been thinking about something Zoey said.” I said staring into my cup of coffee.

“Oh?”

“She thought that maybe volunteering at an animal shelter might help me with grieving for Murphy.”

“I agree with her, Faith, I think that would be a great idea. I have a list of animal shelters in the area if you want them.”

“Why do you have that?” I said with confusion.

“Oh, we were thinking about getting a dog, but with the twins walking now…I just don’t think it would be a good idea to have walking and crawling babies AND a puppy to deal with. So we’re just going to hold off a bit longer on that front.”

“Oh, okay, well, yeah I’ll take them off your hands for you.”

Anna went into her computer room and grabbed a printout of a list of animal shelter websites. I just got done looking at them and I’m scheduled to talk to a woman at volunteer services for three large shelters in the area soon. Hopefully I’ll start volunteering within a few weeks once I get all the paperwork filled out.

Issues

“Faith, I think you’ve been through a lot over the past 12 months. I don’t know that your moving on from everything is going to happen by a certain time. The real point is that you are making progress.”

“But…I just feel…so…lost.” I sighed.

Dr. Sheehan sat across from me in a sensible suit and pumps. She had her usual yellow legal pad in her lap and a bright blue pen in her hand as she jotted down notes during our session.

“I think anyone who has gone through what you have would feel lost and out of place.”

“But why can’t I move on from my relationship with Sean? Why is that so impossible for me?” I said getting emotional and frustrated. I pounded my fist on the armchair I was sitting on.

“Oh, I think you have moved on from that.” Dr. Sheehan said. I was a bit surprised by that.

“Really?”

“Yes. I think what you’re struggling with now is not the loss of your relationship with Sean but allowing yourself to be in a relationship that you see as healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been coming to me for well over a year now and you’ve made a lot of progress but looking over your relationships, would you say they’ve been healthy?”

I thought for a moment and then felt embarrassed because I couldn’t say a single one was a healthy relationship.

“No.” I said sheepishly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“Well, I don’t think I actively seek out unhealthy relationships, I mean, when Sean and I got together we were happy for awhile.”

“Didn’t Sean lie to you about why he wanted to post-pone having sex with you right when you began dating?”

“Yes, but that was a really personal thing for him so I understand not wanting to talk about th-”

“Didn’t he also lie to you about taking erectile dysfunction medications at one point as well?”

“Yes but he eventually told me…”

“And when he was gone on tour and came to visit you at his office didn’t he throw a tantrum in front of your co-workers?”

“Um yes,” I said meekly, “But Randy and I were happy.”

“When? When you were actively cheating on him, with Sean, or when you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him how lackluster you thought having sex with him was?”

“Ouch.” I said.

“Faith, I’m only being this aggressive with you because you’ve been seeing me for so long and I know you can handle it. It’s time to stop making excuses for your previous relationships. It’s time to recognize that you are better than that, and more importantly, that you deserve better.”

“So…do you think sleeping with Brad is just another way for me to seek out another probably unhealthy relationship?” I asked.

“I can’t really answer that for you, Faith. But what I can tell you is that you do exhibit certain patterns of behavior. This isn’t the first time you’ve slept with someone casually and had a relationship…or at least feelings develop from it. You did this with Sean and with Malcolm.”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in college and were partners in this acting class. We started sleeping together and eventually dating and he broke my heart when he graduated and moved back to London.

“Not only that, but it seems like you’re not very sure where feelings of friendship and feelings of romantic love collide. Brad isn’t the first male friend of yours that you’ve brought up in our sessions. Adam is also a male friend that you have feelings for and feel uncomfortable acting on. I think this is a significant pattern in the way you form relationships.”

“But…aren’t healthy relationships built on friendship?” I asked.

“Yes,” Dr. Sheehan said, “but your problem is that you don’t want to build romantic relationships with men you already have strong friendships with. If you wanted your relationships to be built off of friendship, then why turn Adam down every time he expressed his interest? Why tell Brad you didn’t want to go on the date when you could have kept that to yourself? I think it’s because you don’t want a healthy relationship.”

I thought about Dr. Sheehan’s words.

“But that just seems so absurd,” I said, “Why would I want to seek out unhealthy relationships? I don’t want to ever go through what I went through with Kevin, Sean, or Randy ever again. And between you and me, I would also like to avoid ever dating a priest again, too.”

Dr. Sheehan smiled. Dating Dean and finding out he was a priest was very traumatic but now it’s something I can look back on and laugh about. Telling Dr. Sheehan about Dean and his priest confession was a fun story.

“I don’t know that you are doing it in a way that you are aware, Faith. Sometimes we do stupid things and can’t seem to figure out why afterward.”

“But that sounds like you’re telling me to go on a date with Brad or Adam.” I said with confusion.

“I’m not saying that, Faith. What I am saying is that I think you need to be more honest with yourself about your feelings.”

“But I really don’t want to go out on a date with Brad or Adam. I think the whole Brad situation happened because I’ve felt so lonely and it was nice to finally have someone pay attention to me. I think I used Brad’s affection for me to make myself feel better and it would be cruel to pretend like a relationship was something I wanted with him right now.”

“Do you think you’re ready for a relationship at all?”

“I honestly don’t know. Not after this whole talk we’ve had. Maybe I should just steer clear of relationships forever.” I said dramatically.

Dr. Sheehan laughed.

“I don’t think you need to write off ever being in a relationship again, but I do think you need to start realizing that you’re worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship…for whenever you are ready for one again.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Well, have you ever actively sought out someone to date?” I gave her a confused look, “All of the men you’ve been involved with asked you out, right?”

“Um…yes.” I said thinking about it, “If you don’t consider the whole Brad mix-matched text message deal.”

“Maybe you should try asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting dates from men that seek you out.”

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Well, when a person is the one being asked out on a date, I think there’s sometimes a fear that if they don’t accept they’ll never be asked out again because they’re too picky or uptight or some other negative attribute that they ascribe to themselves. But when someone actually does the asking, there’s fear of rejection, but there’s also an element of control. You are asking someone out that you prefer rather than accepting a date with someone who found you interesting based on their own preferences. Does that make sense?”

“Kind of.” I said, “Same time next week?”

Dr. Sheehan nodded and said good-bye as I left her office. I’ve been thinking about what she said and I know I have a lot of issues but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. I mean, at least I’m not trolling dating sites like I was right after Sean and I officially ended things. At least I’m not accepting dates from every guy who asks. Maybe I just need to get out more and meet new people.

Stockroom Dialogues

Brad has been giving me the cold shoulder at work ever since the abysmal ending of our date. And I’m not the only one who has noticed.

“Okay, what is the deal?” Cara said once Brad went to the stockroom during a lull in customers, “Did you guys break up or something?”

“Cara, we were never dating.”

“Sure.” She said unbelievingly, “Then why is he acting like that?”

“He’s just mad at me for something I said.”

“Well, could you do something about it? Because I used to love coming to work and now I hate it, so you need to do something to fix it.”

“I’ll talk to him tonight once our shift is done.” I sighed.

Brad has been making excuses to stay behind when I’m about to leave so he won’t have to ride on the same bus as me, so when I was about to leave and he made some excuse about having to go back to the stock room, I didn’t let it slide. I followed him into the stockroom and took a deep breath.

“Look, Brad, I know you’re angry with me and I want to apologize for what happened. I consider you to be a really great friend and I…just feel really bad about how things happened.”

“I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for you.” He said looking hurt.

“Trust me, it has nothing to do with you, Brad. It has everything to do with me.”

He shook his head unbelievingly.

“Do you remember when I told you about my last boyfriend?” I asked sitting down on a wooden crate.

Brad nodded.

“Well, I didn’t tell you how we met and I think if I DO tell you about that, you might start to believe me when I say it’s not you, it’s me.”

Brad sat down on a crate diagonally from me in a corner.

“Go ahead.” He said crossing his arms.

“Sean and I met at a bar his band was playing at. I had just gotten out of another really bad relationship,” I smiled internally…I certainly follow a pattern, “and we ended up having what I expected to be a one-night stand in the bar bathroom and then in his hotel room. Sean and I started casually having sex and both agreed that it was just going to be sex…no relationship would develop. Well, you know the rest of the story. We obviously weren’t able to keep it casual. I should have learned my lesson but I didn’t and now I’ve hurt you.”

Brad was quiet for awhile.

“You weren’t the only one in our situation Faith. I made the same mistake. I thought we could keep things uncomplicated, too.”

“There is one thing that’s different about what happened with Sean and what happened with you.”

“What?”

“Sean and I weren’t friends when we started all of that up. You and I are. I…miss my friend, Brad. I’m sorry for everything that happened. Can we try to go back to just being friends?”

“I don’t know, Faith. I really care about you.”

“But you can do that as a friend.” I said.

“It goes deeper than that, Faith.” Brad’s face was slightly red.

We were at a crossroads and I had no idea what to say. Brad looked so hurt and I didn’t want to hurt him again. I shook my head sadly.

“Brad, it’s not that I don’t care for you. I do….I just need something that isn’t so complicated. I just want friendship right now, with you. I want a relationship with a man that doesn’t confuse me and make me over think things.”

“You just want to be happy.” Brad said quietly to his shoes.

“Yeah.” I shrugged, “And you being my friend would make me happy.”

“Okay.” He said, “It’s going to take me a little bit, though, okay?”

“Deal.” I said giving him a hug.

On the way home I thought about our conversation and everything that Brad and I have lost. But I’m hoping we can at least salvage our friendship and, at the very least, our working relationship. To be honest, I think Brad is a little relieved about this whole situation, too. Now we can both move on from this. I hope Brad does move on quickly, I hope he finds a girl who is available and doesn’t hurt him.

Call Me Maybe

Luke and I went on our brunch date over the weekend and I’m not going to go out with him again. He talked about himself, again, for the entire date and I was so bored. I told Molly about it when I got back.

“How’d it go!?” She said sitting next to me and handing me a glass of iced tea and plopping down on the couch.

“I don’t think Luke is the guy for me. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and that we needed to stop seeing each other right before we said good-bye.”

Molly had a small little smile on her face.

“How did he react?” She asked.

“He seemed…disappointed…and confused.” I said thinking back.

“I bet he did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Luke isn’t the kind of guy who’s used to being dumped. He’s slept with half of the women in our cast for the show and I know tons of other women he’s slept with in the business from other shows and designing opportunities.”

“Well, then, why were you so happy that he and I got together?”

“Because I wanted you to have a good rebound. I wanted you to be sexed really well so you could move on to bigger and better relationships. I thought getting with Luke for a little bit would get you to move on.”

“But I am moving on.” I said, “Why do you want me to move on even faster?”

Molly looked guiltily before going into her bedroom and coming back with a small piece of paper. She handed it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked looking at it.

“Remember that fireman who told you he’d look for Murphy?”

“Yes.”

“That is his phone number. He gave it to me the night of the fire.”

“Why are you giving it to me if he gave it to you?” I said looking at it again and trying to remember back to that night.

“Because he asked me to give it to you. He told me he knew it would be gross if he tried to pick you up while your apartment burned down and he saw that me, Anna, and Zoey knew you well so he asked me to give you his number and tell you to give him a call if you were interested in a date once you got back on your feet.”

I stared at the phone number for a moment before tossing it on the coffee table.

“Molly, I’m not going to call him, it’s been over a month. It would be too weird. Plus I don’t even know his name and I barely remember what he looks like.”

“Faith, the only thing you need to know about him is that he is a fire fighter and therefore, super hot. What do you have to lose, honestly? You royally screwed up your chances with Brad and Luke is now out of the picture. You could have a clean slate with this guy. No more complicated friends-with-benefits stuff, no more self-obsessed actors. Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay.” I said.

I’m not sure if I should call this fireman or not but I do know that I need to deal with Brad before I make that decision. It would be nice, for once, to not have complicated relationships like Molly pointed out. But wouldn’t it be wrong of me to go out on a date with this guy in the hopes of having a relationship, and not just sex, when I have been insisting the opposite with Brad? Maybe Molly is wrong, maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet, maybe I haven’t moved on from Sean as much as she thinks I have.

Slip of the Tongue

Brad sent me a text to make sure we were still on for our date I didn’t really have any excuses to cancel, even if I was still bummed about the whole Murphy debacle. I told him that we were still on and he gave me the address of where we were going to meet before I pulled Molly into my room and we started selecting an outfit.

“You should wear this.” She said pulling out a sexy black wrap dress with a plunging neckline.

“No.” I said, crinkling my nose. The dress was a piece that Anna had gotten from work and gave to me after the fire. It was gorgeous and I looked super hot in it…which was the problem.

“Molly, the point is to NOT get Brad interested in dating me.”

“Faith,” she said looking at me with a not-amused look, “You are not going to show up on this date in a pair of sweat pants and a shirt with ketchup stains. You will wear sweatpants on this date over my dead body.”

“I don’t want to wear sweatpants but wearing that dress will send the wrong message.”

Molly sighed and pulled me down so I was sitting across from her on my bed.

“Faith, you know that I think it’s great that you’re dating and having fun but here’s the deal: you can’t run away from having actual relationships with people that go outside of sex.”

“I’m not running away from having a relationship.” I said.

“You’re right; you’re running away from the mere possibility.”

I looked at her indignantly.

“That’s not fair,” I said, “I don’t want a boyfriend right now, Molly. That doesn’t mean I’ll always feel that way.”

“Faith, going out on a date with Brad isn’t going to make him your boyfriend. He knows that, too. All he’s asking you for is the opportunity to get to know you better outside of work and his bed sheets. Now, go put on this damn dress!”

She handed it to me and I went to put it on while she picked out accessories. I came out and Molly whistled before handing me some bright red platform stilettos she pulled from her room and a matching red clutch purse she dug out of the back of my closet. Finally, I put on a simple silver chain drop necklace and matching earrings.

“Um, where did you get these shoes, Molly? They are SUPER slutty.”

“I had to wear them in a show I was in.”

“Which one?”

“Chicago. I was one of the women in the jail that sings about killing their lovers.”

“Are you sure they aren’t too much? I can barely walk in them.”

“You’ll be fine! I had to dance in those! You can walk in them. Now, for your hair, I’m thinking sexy waves.” Molly said holding up my hair in different styles.

“Fine.” I said realizing that arguing was going to be futile.

Molly pushed me out the door with a kiss on the cheek.

“I filled your purse with condoms!” She said waving as I walked down our hallway. Mrs. Hodges, our neighbor, was unlocking her door and heard Molly’s yell. She gave me a dirty look and I walked away trying to hide my face with my clutch completely embarrassed.

“Hi…Mrs. Hodges.” I squeaked as I walked by her to get to the stairs.

I got to the meeting place Brad had specified and saw him waiting for me. He was wearing black jeans and a tight, white shirt with a black button up shirt over it. The black shirt wasn’t buttoned, though. I could see his muscles through his undershirt because it was so tight.

“Hey.” He smiled as soon as he saw me.

“Hi.” I said wobbling slightly because of my shoes.

We stood there awkwardly for a second before I decided to just let go and allow myself to really BE on this date. I leaned into him and kissed him.

“You look amazing.” He said when we pulled away.

“Thanks.” I said putting a strand of hair behind my ear, “So, where are we going?”

Brad smiled and took my hand.

“We’re going to this really cool indoor garden place. They have a restaurant and cobblestone paths and  all sorts of other cool stuff.”

I gulped; trying to walk around in a garden, let alone on cobblestone paths, in the shoes Molly gave me was not going to be very fun.

When we got there, though, I was in awe. The garden was huge and there were swans and a butterfly garden and even a lake with a fountain in the middle of it. Fairy lights were strung between trees and there were small little paths all over the place. There was lots of privacy, too. The restaurant was on one side of the lake so you could watch swans glide across the water and play in the fountain as you ate by candlelight. It was a really romantic place but I could also see the potential of it being casual during the day or maybe even a fun spot for kids to have field trips.

“Brad this is…amazing.” I said as we stood on a bridge over a small river and watched some koi swim by, “Thank you for bringing me here.”

“I’m really glad you like it.” He said leaning over the bridge railing next to me so our arms were touching,“Are you getting hungry?”

“I am.” I said.

He grabbed my hand and we walked to the restaurant. It had white table cloths and each table was surrounded by flowers and ivy and in the center there was a large willow tree that draped over some of the tables. The hostess showed us to our table and we sat down with menus. I ended up ordering a chicken pasta dish and Brad ordered the same and a bottle of wine.

I actually had a really great time over dinner and not just because the food was good but because Brad was so funny and sincere. I told him about Murphy and he reached across the table and rubbed my arm while I talked.

“I’m so sorry it wasn’t him, Faith.

“Me, too. Molly and I had already started talking about clearing a space for his kitty castle and the litter box on the way to that clinic…- I’m sorry, talking about where my cat poops and being a downer is SO not sexy dinner talk.” I said catching myself and feeling embarrassed.

Brad laughed.

“It’s okay. Seeing you tell stories about him makes me happy.”

“Why, are you a cat person?”

“No, because you look happy when you talk about him and seeing you happy makes me happy, too.”

I blushed. I hadn’t seen this side of Brad at work. He seemed so…different on our date. He wasn’t being sarcastic or snarky at all.

When we finished dinner we went for another walk around the garden. Everything was going fine until I fell down.

“Whoa! Are you okay?” Brad asked helping me up. I had skinned my knee.

“I’m fine,” I said inspecting the damage, “It’s just these damn shoes!”

He put his arm around my waist and we continued walking. I tripped two more times before I lost it.

“That is IT!” I said taking off my shoes and walking barefoot.

Brad laughed and offered to hold them for me. We found a small pond alcove with a couple of swans gliding around.

“Here.” He said handing me a piece of bread he had saved from our dinner, “You can feed them.”

I looked at Brad with surprise before I started ripping the bread apart and throwing it into the small pond for the swans.

We sat on a rock and watched them in a comfortable silence. I laid my head on Brad’s shoulder and realized that I felt really comfortable in that moment with him. I entwined my fingers with his and pushed my feet into the grass.

“This is so relaxing.” I said.

“I thought you’d like it here.” He said looking down at me. I tipped my face up to his and we shared a long make-out session that was rudely interrupted by the loud noises the swans started making when they realized I didn’t have any more bread. It startled us so much that we both fell backwards off the rock we were sitting on and ended up in the grass with our legs up in the air.

We both started laughing hysterically before moving on to another area of the garden to watch butterflies flit about.

We left the garden much sooner than I had wanted but it was about to close and we had no choice. I put my shoes back on before we left and ended back up on the street. We ended up walking through a park that was close to my apartment. He walked me to the front of my apartment building.

“I had a nice time, Faith.”

“Me, too.” I said.

“I’ll, uh, see you at work then.” He said putting his hands in his pockets.

“You could…come upstairs.” I said slowly.

He looked like he hadn’t expected such an invitation. I hadn’t, either considering how unwilling I was to go on this date with him.

“For coffee or something.” I added quickly. I grabbed his hand and pulled him with me before he could think more about it. We ended up in the elevator with him pressed against me and his hands up my dress. My mouth was moving across his jaw line and down his neck, his stubble was rough against my face and hurt…but in a good way. When the elevator opened, Brad and I were an entwined mass and very distracted. Someone cleared their throat and we looked up.

“Hi…again…Mrs. Hodges.” I said quickly pulling Brad out of the elevator and past my neighbor. She was taking her trash out and wearing the same angry look on her face from before. As soon as the doors closed, Brad and I burst out laughing.

It took me a long time to get my door open because Brad was distracting me by kissing my neck. The apartment was empty; Molly was acting and wouldn’t be home until very late because she had some suicide hotline hours tonight after the show. I put the keys on the table we have near the door and Brad looked around. I watched him as he took it in. He looked back at me with arched eyebrows.

“It’s nice. I can tell you live here.” He said.

I kicked my shoes off before we got going again and we both laughed about it. I pulled him into my bedroom and sat him on my bed so I could take his shirts off, then I pulled off my dress as he wiggled out of his jeans before he pulled me to him. I was straddling him and kissing his neck.

“You know what the best part is?” I said between kisses.

“No, what?” He said breathing heavily.

“My headboard is against an outer wall…so my neighbors won’t hear it banging when it starts banging into the wall this time.”

We both started laughing.

“My neighbor is probably thankful that we’re here tonight instead.” He said before taking off my bra and trailing down to my chest with soft kisses…

Afterward, Brad and I laid in my bed, wrapped in each other’s arms. We were looking into each other’s eyes and I was playing with his hair.

“I’m glad I decided to go on a date with you.” I said quietly.

“I’m glad you suggested it.” He said.

“You know what’s funny? I didn’t even mean to. That text was supposed to go to Luke. I didn’t want to go at first…” I stopped talking at the look on Brad’s face.

He pulled away from me and I could see the hurt on his face.

“Wait, this was a pity date?”

“No-”

“You only agreed because you were too afraid to say you’d meant for someone else to get that message.”

“It wasn’t like th-”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” He said quietly.

“But I don’t feel that way now.” I said.

He started getting dressed.

“Brad, you don’t have to leave. Let’s talk about this.”

“No, Faith, I DO need to leave. Remember, staying the night is too much commitment for you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Brad this isn’t fair. You know that I’m not interested in having a boyfriend right now.”

“Faith, I wasn’t under the impression that I WAS your boyfriend, the only thing I DID expect from you was to be treated like you cared about me as a friend. It’s obvious you don’t care about me enough to even let me know that you weren’t interested in a date. I’m sorry I wasted your time with this pity date.”

I pulled a big sweatshirt on and followed him out into the living room.

“Brad…just let me explain.”

“I just did!” He said turning around to look at me.

“It wasn’t a pity date. I enjoyed myself tonight.”

“Faith, you usually enjoy yourself when we have sex. Are you sure enjoyed the date or did you just enjoy having sex with me like every other time we spend time together?”

“I was reluctant about going on a date with you because I was worried about you acting like this.” I said gesturing to him.

“Like what? Hurt because you couldn’t even be honest with me?” He turned to go but turned back, “You know what’s really funny? You were so worried about leading Luke on but what did you think was going to happen when you pretended like you WANTED to go on this date with me? You should have been honest with me, Faith. I would have been able to handle it. I even gave you an out! I asked you if we were still on for tonight and you chose not to back out.”

“I didn’t have a good excuse.” I said. I had regretted saying that as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Brad looked at me with complete shock and hurt.

“Faith, we are FRIENDS, you didn’t NEED an excuse to tell me that you were uncomfortable with the thought of going on a date. You could have just told me! Do you not consider me a friend?”

Brad looked so hurt and I felt so bad. I didn’t say anything and Brad took a step away from me before looking away. He nodded slowly as if he was convincing himself about something.

“Bye, Faith.” He said before he slammed the door behind him.

In hindsight, I don’t know why I didn’t tell him that I consider him a friend. I do. I consider him a great friend but maybe I’m more confused about my own feelings than I thought. I’ve been so worried about Luke’s and Brad’s feelings that I don’t think I examined mine as well as I should have. Maybe my fear of leading Brad and Luke on is more founded in the fact that I’m afraid of opening myself up to someone emotionally. I think I’ve been so focused on this idea of labeling someone as my boyfriend that I haven’t considered what actually makes someone my boyfriend and the feelings that go with being in a relationship where your boyfriend didn’t get their tour manager pregnant.

I really screwed things up.