Guilt and Loneliness

I got a phone call this morning and I thought it was Sean so I answered it without looking at the ID. It was Anna. We haven’t talked for awhile so she’d thought she’d call me. She told me about her first Mother’s day and how the twins were doing but eventually sensed something was wrong. I haven’t told the girls about what happened yet. I think because if I do it’ll make our break up real and I don’t want to deal with that yet.

“Faith? Are you okay? You seem really quiet.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, work has just been really stressful lately.”

“Okay,” her voice told me she wasn’t convinced, “I’ll let you go, then, unless you want to talk about anything else?”

“No, I should probably go, too, Gotta catch up on some work.”

We said our good-byes and I checked to see if Sean had called me while I was on the phone. Nothing. He hasn’t returned my phone calls since he left and his phone seems to be off since it keeps going to voicemail. I sent him an e-mail fully explaining that Stormy and I have nothing going on, that Stormy is dating someone else, that we had just gotten out of the meeting I’d told him about, and that Stormy was just really happy about the outcome. I also begged him to call me just so I could know he was okay and not laying in a ditch somewhere but I’ve gotten no response. Honestly, I don’t really blame Sean. I think if I were in his shoes I probably would have been upset, too, but I think I would have at least let him explain to me. And even if I had stormed away like Sean did I think I would have called him by now. Surely he’s calmed down enough to let me explain, or at the very least, end our relationship with some closure.

I feel really alone right now and it’s my own fault for not wanting to tell any of my friends but I think part of me just feels too guilty to tell them. I shouldn’t have let what happened happen. I don’t think Stormy did it on purpose or anything but I’ve known about his feelings for me for awhile and I could have and should have kept our relationship more professional but this is my fault and I feel awful for hurting Sean this way even though I don’t believe I really did anything wrong. I certainly haven’t cheated on him like he’s convinced I have, I just wish I could make him understand how committed I am to our relationship. I haven’t e-mailed Karen yet to tell her I’m not coming in June. Part of me feels so stupid for hoping Sean will come around.