Bad Thoughts

Molly and I met up after work to discuss how her date went over dinner and book store browsing.

“I just hope he doesn’t think less of me because of the first date sex.” She said picking over her mushroom risotto.

“I don’t think he does, I mean he asked if you’d be interested in going out again before you left, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds like he’s still interested. Plus that is such a double standard and you shouldn’t worry about it. Men who judge women for being sexual beings don’t deserve to have sex with women.” I said sipping my French onion soup.

“You’re right. I don’t want to be with someone who is going to judge me for that. Calvin doesn’t seem like that kind of dude, I mean he’s works in theatre, he’s gotta be pretty non-judgmental.”

“More importantly: how was the sex?” I asked wiggling my eyebrows jokingly.

“It was pretty awesome. He certainly knows what he’s doing. Speaking of great sex…Sean was home recently so I know you had some.”

“I did.” I said trying to avoid thinking about Sean and all the stuff going on with him, lately.

“Oh…that’s not a happy face. Was it that bad?” Molly said lowering her voice.

“No. Sean and I have a great sex life…it’s just that he’s been really upset, lately and there’s nothing I can do to help him.”

“Oh. Like what?”

“Well, I just don’t think the tour is really what he expected it would be or the glamour of it all has worn off. He just seems so angry all the time.”

“What do you mean?” Molly asked taking a sip of her wine.

“Well, the other night he called me and accused me of being on a date with another guy-”

“What!?”

“I went to the movies with Zoey and Wesley and Sean called me. He heard Wesley’s voice over the phone and thought I was on a date with someone else. I told him he was being ridiculous, of course, but that’s so out of character for Sean.”

“You know I kind of understand what he’s going through…” Molly looked thoughtful.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ve worked on a few touring shows and it really does suck to be on the road that much. Usually, in theatre, though, you get to stay in each location for more than a day because theatres want to book the touring show for a few weeks or months if it’s in a big city. It’s a bit easier, though, with theatre because you usually sleep in a hotel and not on a bus. I’m sure Sean will adjust. He just needs time.”

“But they’ve been on tour since March and he just seems to get more and more depressed as things progress.”

“That’s pretty normal, I think. Eventually you just learn to live with the people around you. You learn to pick and choose your battles and just stop caring after a certain point. I remember one tour I did where the lead actress would constantly smack her gum and it would drive me NUTS but eventually I just had to get used to it because I accepted that we were going to have to work together and live fairly closely with each other and I was making myself miserable by focusing on it. So eventually it just became background noise to me.”

“Well, maybe Sean does just need more time to adjust. Part of me wonders if it would be easier for him if he and I weren’t together anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because I know that the long distance thing is causing him a lot of anxiety. I mean it obviously is when he’s accusing me of being on a date with someone else and answering my phone while on said date.”

“Fair enough.”

“And I just know that if I wasn’t in the picture, it would be one less thing Sean would have to worry about, you know?”

“Yeah. I get where you’re coming from.”

“I’ve been having creeping thoughts in my head that Sean and I should go on a break but that’s just ridiculous. That wouldn’t make anything easier for Sean.”

“Maybe those thoughts aren’t coming up because they have Sean in mind.” Just then the check came and we headed out to the bookstore across the street.

“What did you mean by that?” I asked as I opened the bookstore’s door.

“Just that sometimes we have thoughts pop into our head and misinterpret them. Maybe you’re having those thoughts because taking a break from Sean would be easier for you.”

“What? But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Really?” Molly stopped and looked me dead in the eye.

“Uh, YEAH.” I said trying to not get defensive.

“Faith, Sean has been taking his anger out on you, he’s been accusing you of being unfaithful, and dealing with the constant feelings of missing him has to be exhausting. I was merely suggesting that dealing with all of that is probably difficult for you, so it makes sense that you would have fleeting thoughts about breaking things off. I wasn’t suggesting you actually do it. I was just saying that I’m sure a break would probably be more beneficial for you than it would for Sean.”

I went to say something but realized Molly had a point and closed my mouth.

“I know, I’m a genius.” She said as she wandered over to a bookshelf and left me standing next to the biographies.

I’ve been thinking about what Molly said for hours and I can’t help but feel like a horrible fiancée for wanting a break because Sean’s recent attitude is getting to be almost too much. If we’re going to get married, it’s going to be for forever and I just need to give Sean more time to adjust to the touring lifestyle. This will all pass eventually, right?