Thirty-Sixed

I’m writing this on Sean’s computer right now to keep myself from cleaning his apartment.


I was sitting in my apartment last night obsessing over Sean. I’d called him twice and left a message on his phone, but I got no answer. I looked at Murphy who was lounging next to me; his front paw hanging off the couch. He started snoring and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I gave Murphy a kiss, grabbed my house keys and bolted out the door.


Sean’s face was hard to read when he opened the door.


“Good, you’re alive. I’ll go now.” I said turning away.


“Wait.” I stopped.


“Oh…you’re talking to me now?” I said turning around and feeling a little juvenile at the my come back.


“Can we do this inside my apartment, please?” Sean said opening the door wider.


I contemplated making a scene in the hallway but I figured I’d already caused enough embarrassment for Sean the other day. I walked past him with my hands balled into fists. He shut the door behind me and followed me into the living room.


“Why are you here?” He asked standing a few feet across from me.


“I told you, I wanted to make sure you were alive. You haven’t talked to me in nearly a week Sean. What the hell?”


“I wanted some space.”


“And that isn’t something you thought to let me know?”


“Honestly, no. You’re not my keeper Faith, I don’t need to tell you where I am every minute of every day.”


“You are not accusing me of being smothering. There is no way that’s true and you know it.”


Sean snorted, “You called me twenty times in a week!”


“I called you because I was concerned about you, Sean, not because I wanted to babysit you. What the hell is this attitude? The last time we saw each other you refused to look at me, what was I supposed to think? That everything was completely fine?”


“I don’t have an attitude, you’re acting crazy. You call me more than a stalker does, you show up at my door and start screaming in my hallway, I’m not the problem here.”


I looked at Sean who had crossed his arms and had his face set in an angry pout and I paused for a moment.


“I’m going to ignore that because I know you don’t mean it,” I paused again and paced his living room for a few seconds. I threw my hands up in the air out of exasperation, “You know I’ve gotta be honest, here, Sean. I don’t really understand what the problem is. I thought we’d agreed to try. I made it very clear that it was okay if it didn’t happen. So why are you punishing me for what we both agreed on doing?”


Before I knew it Sean was yelling at me.


“Can’t you understand how hard this is for me? How embarrassing it is for me?” Sean had never blown up at me like this, he’d closed the gap between us and I could see the anger in his eyes. I was taken off guard and I responded by yelling back.


“Yes Sean, that’s why I walk around on eggshells and stroke your ego constantly. I am fully aware that not being able to get it up is embarrassing,” Sean winced with real hurt. It was a low blow and I knew it, “You’re not the only one that’s vulnerable when we’re intimate.”


“Yeah well I’m sorry that I wanted an actual relationship with you. I’m sorry I had the audacity to have feelings for you and that I wasn’t happy just being a cheap whore for your no-strings-attached rebound!”


The implication in his voice was pretty clear (that I was a cheap whore for not wanting an actual relationship with him at first). I slapped him across the mouth. For a second I wasn’t sure what Sean was going to do. He slowly brought his face upright, his dark hair falling in his eyes. Sean looked at me for a moment, deciding how to react, before he turned and walked away into the kitchen. I heard him scrambling around in there and paced around his living room, counting to twenty. I calmed myself down before walking towards the kitchen. He was standing over the sink with his back to me.


“I won’t allow myself to be talked to like that, Sean. The guy before you had never been so explicit with me and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of the damage that he left in his wake.”


I saw Sean’s back tense when I started speaking.


“Did you mean it?” I enunciated each word.


He turned around slowly. I realized he had a dish towel full of ice on his jaw and instantly felt remorse for hitting him.


“No. I didn’t.”


“Okay. Sean…?” I wanted to ask him a question…but stopped at the last minute, “I’m going to go.”


“Ask it.”


I stopped walking to his door and turned back around.


“It’s not important. I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Bye.”


“Faith.” I stopped again. “Ask me.”


I realized that he had walked closer to me when my back was to him; he was only a few feet from me when I turned around.


“I was just going to ask if this…us…if it’s over.” I choked on the words as they came out.


“What do you want?”


I looked into Sean’s eyes. “You.”


“Then that’s what you have.”


“Sean I’ve hurt you in so many ways…”


“The same could be said for me in regards to you.” He started walking closer to me. I realized I was shaking from the excess adrenaline in my body.


He put his free hand on my shoulder, “Are you cold?”


“No.” He backed away from me.


“Are you afraid of me?” The realization in his eyes at just the possibility was too hard for me to look at.


“No.” I started walking closer to him and reached for the dishtowel pressed to his face, “Can I see?”


I took the dishtowel from his hand and frowned. I’d hit him really hard, he’d definitely have a bruise. Sean was watching my reaction and seemed concerned at the guilt slowly filling up my eyes.


“I’m fine. It didn’t hurt.”


As I was on my tip-toes to look at his jaw we both became very aware of how close our faces were. Before I knew what was happening Sean’s mouth was on mine and my back was up against his refrigerator. Magnets went flying across his kitchen, the ice cubes were all over the floor, and my legs were wrapped around his waist. We stumbled our way towards his bedroom making a mess of his apartment. By the time we got onto his bed most of our clothes were off; much to my surprise, when I looked down, Sean was ready, we wouldn’t even need foreplay.


About two hours later, Sean was asleep and I was lying next to him, entangled in his arms. Something wasn’t right about what had just happened. It just didn’t make sense. About half way through, Sean was on top of me and everything just seemed to become less special. He wasn’t making eye contact as much; he was reluctant to change positions, almost like he just wanted to get it over with. I had noticed during and he knew it so he distracted me with kisses and light touching until it eventually ended. Afterward I had snuggled into Sean ready for sleep but my eyes flew open about an hour later as soon as I had remembered all of this. I looked up at Sean to make sure he was asleep and then wiggled out of his grasp. There was a white button up shirt on the floor that I shrugged on and started closing up; it was buttoned by the time I sat on Sean’s couch, facing his bedroom door.


I hadn’t noticed how pretty Sean’s living room was in the moonlight. His bedroom didn’t have any windows, which I knew he liked because he hated trying to sleep with even the faintest light on. That exact reason was also why I knew I wouldn’t be waiting very long; there was a long streak of moonlight shining into his bedroom. About ten minutes later Sean walked out of his bedroom and saw me sitting on the couch lost in my thoughts. His hair was all over the place as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. I noticed he’d put on some gray draw-string pajama pants as he walked over and sat on his coffee table across from me.


“What’s wrong?”


“What was that Sean?”


“What was what?”


“I thought you didn’t want to use the drugs.”


“I wasn’t using any drugs; I gave them all to you. You flushed them down my toilet, remember.”


“You could’ve gotten more.”


“Faith, I didn’t know you were going to be here. You surprised me and I never left your sight, I would have had to take one in the time you arrived and when…we…”


I stood up and moved my eyes in the direction of his bathroom.


“Okay, so you’re telling me that if I walk into your bathroom right now I’m not going to find a fresh prescription for 36-hour pills?”


Sean’s jaw was set. He grabbed my hand so I would sit again.


“Look, I was so humiliated about the last time we tried. I got a prescription filled for a 36-hour pill but I honestly didn’t think I’d use it. I took one yesterday and I was going to call you but I wanted to wait for the pill to be out of my system before you came over. You beat me to it before the pill could be out of my system. I’m sorry.”


“Sean you lied to me. You promised me that we wouldn’t use the pills…for your health…because you didn’t want to.”


“I don’t. I took it thinking it would be the only way to get you to take me back.”


“What are you talking about?”


Sean was silent.


“Did you really think I was going to break up with you because of the other day? I told you…it’s not a big deal to me.”


“It is to me.” Sean looked away.


I reached my hand out and put it on his face.


“Do you know what is important to me?” He looked at me, “You being in the moment with me. I don’t want you to feel out of the moment because of some pill…to make it mechanical and obligatory, that doesn’t help build intimacy; it makes me feel like I’m just another chore to do. If I have to choose between what happened the other day and tonight I’d rather take what happened the other day. At least you were into it for the majority of it. At least I could hear how much you were enjoying it even if a certain other part of you wasn’t.”


He blushed and held my hand to his face for a beat.


“Faith…I’ll take the pills for you and I’ll be in the moment at the same time.”


“No.” I took my hand away.


“Be reasonable.”


“I want you to see a doctor.”


“I have. Who do you think has been prescribing me the pills?”


“Not that kind of doctor.”


Sean was quiet for a minute, taking in my face.


“Oh.”


“I think it might help. Please don’t be mad at me.”


“I’m not mad. Can I think about it?”


“Of course, it’s not an ultimatum, Sean.”


He relaxed at that and suddenly looked around his living room which was terribly messy from earlier. Clothes were strewn about, chairs were out of place, and a fake plant was knocked over. A wide and sheepish smile broke out across his face.


“You know…we might as well take advantage of the 36 hours…” Sean was eyeing the buttons on my shirt, “It’d be a waste if we didn’t.”


“This really turns you on, doesn’t it?” I said looking down at his shirt and hitching it farther up my leg.


“…no,” Sean swallowed hard.


“Oh really?” I undid one of the buttons and raised an eyebrow.


Sean pulled me on top of him, still on the side of his coffee table, he ripped the shirt open.


“You just ruined a perfectly good shirt.”


“It’s cool…I don’t wear…button-downs. But please, keep…talking dirty to me.” Sean said in between kissing my neck and down my chest. I giggled at his version of dirty talk.


When I woke up this morning Sean was sitting next to me putting his shoes on.


“I have to go; I have a meeting with Gerry. I’ll be back later okay; don’t worry about cleaning up or anything, either.” He kissed my forehead before he left.


I put on one of his favorite t-shirts (one I knew he wouldn’t be willing to rip off of me) and trotted out of his bedroom. The living room looked even worse in daylight although I did smile when I saw the broken coffee table; remembering how it ended up like that. Sean was a lot more into what we were doing after our talk, I guess.



(There will be a post every day this week, including weekends, so come by often!)