Fixed

“So…it’s fine. Just like that?” Zoey gave me a side-eye while I stopped to flip through a clearance rack.

“Yep. Looks that way.”

“So how was it?”

“How was what?”

“The sex. That was the only thing that could have fixed it so easily.”

“We didn’t have sex.” I mumbled and quickly moved on to a rack by the fitting rooms. Zoey chased after me on my heels.

“How did the problem suddenly get fixed then?”

“Well, it wasn’t because my lovely friends were able to keep their mouths shut during a simple dinner, if that’s what you wanted to know.”

“Come on Faith, we said we were sorry. We didn’t mean to….it just slipped out.”

I sighed and grabbed a few dresses to try on before heading to the fitting rooms. Before I reached them, I stopped and piled some dresses on to Zoey’s empty arms, too.

“These will look good on you try them on. I know you guys are sorry, but after the fiasco at the restaurant…I have a feeling I won’t be telling you guys anything else about my sex life for a very long time.”

Zoey was pretty pouty for about fifteen minutes before trying to ask me about my sudden change of heart regarding the lack of sex in my life.

“Faith…if you guys didn’t have sex, does that mean you’re still waiting indefinitely or just waiting for the right moment?”

“Zoey, what do you want me to say? Sean and I talked about it and we’re on the same page now. We weren’t before and now we are and I have agreed to wait…indefinitely.”

I tried to keep the gloom out of my voice when I reached the end of that sentence but it was pretty apparent. We left the store and headed to a deli where we bought sandwiches to sneak into the movie theatre with us.

“Faith….if you guys are on the same page…why do you still seem sad about it?”

“Because…after talking to Sean, there’s really nothing I can do but wait. His reasons for holding off are valid and if I try to continue to push the issue with him it will seriously hurt our relationship. I don’t know why I’m being such a horrible girlfriend about this, though. If a boyfriend was trying to push sex on me as much as I am with Sean, I would have kicked him to the curb weeks ago. At the same time….I need to have sex, Zoey. I’m in a relationship with an amazing guy and have a great job and great friends, even if they are loud-mouths…but absolutely no sex.”

“Can’t you just….self-serve?” Zoey asked after sitting down in the theatre.

“It’s not the same…and it makes me feel bad because I have to think about other people when I do.”

“Why?”

“Because when I think about Sean, I think about how little sex we have and how sad it makes me.”

“But everyone thinks about other people, Faith. For example, I think about Robert Downey Junior.”

“Zoey…I’m not thinking about famous people….I’m thinking about ex-boyfriends. The last few times, I haven’t been able to get Kevin out of my mind. It makes me feel like I’m cheating on Sean or that I’m not over Kevin.”

“Well…are you over Kevin?”

“Yeah. I really am, but one thing we never had a problem with was sex.”

“Maybe you should try watching something instead.”

The movie started at that point and we started munching on our sandwiches. I had a hard time focusing on the movie though, because of all the guilt I’m carrying around about masturbating to memories of Kevin. It started a few days before Sean told me about his inability to perform and his confession didn’t really do much to make me feel less guilty. I don’t think telling Sean will help our relationship or make me feel less guilty.