Milestones

I found writing the letter about my feelings for Kevin to be extremely difficult simply because there’s so much for me to write and I was getting overwhelmed with it. I told Dr. Sheehan this at our next session and she helped me organize the main problems I had with the relationship and the aftermath which lead me to write a 5 page letter. Front and back. Then we burned it in her office on a metal disc and it was SO freeing. I really feel like I’ve made so much progress in therapy and that this was a huge milestone for me.

Speaking of progress, I think I might have made some on the Stormy situation at work. Veronica is still dodging me but I contacted the HR person for the news station and asked them if they would be willing to sit down with Veronica, Stormy, and I for a meeting to possibly re-negotiate his contract. They e-mailed me back almost immediately saying that they would be free to do that meeting whenever the time best suited the rest of us. Now I just have to get Veronica cornered in to a time which is obviously going to be the hardest part of this little operation of mine. I’m thinking I might be able to swing it though if I tell her I need to meet with her and make it a lunch meeting. It’s pretty unprofessional of me to schedule her for a meeting with me and invite others without telling her but she’s really given me no other options here. I sent her an e-mail requesting a lunch meeting and I’m waiting back to hear from her. I’m expecting her schedule to be pretty full so, unfortunately for Stormy, it’s probably going to be a few more weeks before we get this thing settled but at least I have a plan in place.

Zoey and I had a great night babysitting the twins. They are such AWESOME babies. They barely cried and their little baby giggles are just adorable. They have also gotten ginormous. Who knew babies grew so quickly? Anna and Theo were thankful for their night off but it was pretty obvious when they got home that that they missed Andrew and Weatherly quite a lot. When I got home to my apartment Murphy was super cuddly.

“Can you smell the babies?” I asked him, “Awww, someone is a jealous kitty. Don’t worry, Murphy, you will always be MY baby.”

I snuggled into bed with my laptop and Murphy and internet surfed for clothes and shoes until I could barely keep my eyes open. It’s been an interesting week. But! Sean should be coming home pretty soon for his longest stay yet and I’ve already started counting the days!

Moving On

I did some thinking about my conversation with Sean and the girls and decided that I need to drop the Guy thing. It’s not my place to make demands about someone else’s relationship. I really just need to let it go and move on. I called Sean but got his voicemail so I left a message apologizing and letting him know I wouldn’t bring it up again. Then I called Zoey and basically said the same thing.

“So I’m going to drop it.”

“That’s good to hear. Any particular reason why?”

“I just thought about it for awhile and decided that it was none of my business.”

“Did Dr. Sheehan help you at all?”

“She did, as did Sean. As always it seems my problems tend to revolve around Kevin and all the horrible things he put me through.” I sighed sadly.

“Faith, the guy hurt you in so many ways. He lied to you, he manipulated you, he was rude to you, he tried to get you fired, and he assaulted you. In front of your boyfriend! It’s okay to still be dealing with all of that.”

“But I don’t want to Zoey. I just want to pretend like I never met him and move on.”

“But you can’t, Faith. Our past experiences make us who we are. I look at it like this: Kevin was a bastard to you but it lead you to one of your healthiest relationships in a long time with a guy that wanted and still wants to help you get through everything.”

Zoey had a point and I changed the subject because I am so over talking about Kevin.

“So is your weekend free?” I asked.

“I think so, why?”

“I thought you and I could offer to watch the twins so Theo and Anna can go out for awhile or something.”

“That’s a great idea. I’ll order some movies on Netflix for us to watch while we are babysitting. You can bring the food.”

“Pizza?”

“Of course.”

“It’s the best food, really.”

“This is why we’re friends, Faith, you understand the truly important stuff in life.”

I laughed and we talked for a little longer before saying good-bye. I sent Anna an e-mail asking if she’d like for Zoey and I to give her and Theo a night off before settling in for the night. Dr. Sheehan recommended I write a letter to Kevin getting everything off my chest but I just ended up staring at a blank piece of paper for an hour. She said once I finished it, I should read it aloud and then burn it because she thought that might help me. Instead I took the contract Kevin signed and took it off my wall. Instead of being a symbol of the closure I got, it just became a reminder. I put it in the very back of my hall closet next to my Christmas decorations. I’ll try to write the letter tomorrow.

Hang Ups

I’ve been ruminating over the Guy thing for the past few days and Dr. Sheehan suggested I talk to Sean about it again to see if I had more clarity on my thoughts after going over them in my head. So when he called last night I decided that it was now or never.

“Hey.” I said smiling.

“Hey, the show tonight was great!”

“That’s awesome!”

“We even did a second encore. People are really liking our music, Faith.”

“Wow, a second encore! That reminds me, I should show you this clipping I took from the paper about the band. I forgot all about it when you were home but I’ll scan it into my computer tomorrow and e-mail it to you. It’s a really great review.”

“Sweet. So how is my favorite fiancée?”

“Um. Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Okay, I’m bothered about the Guy thing.”

Sean was silent on the other end of the line.

“I just have one question.” I said fully aware of how annoying I was being about this.

“Okay.”

“If you weren’t on the tour right now, would you tell his girlfriend?”

“Why does it matter, Faith?”

“Because it does, Sean!”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“Oh. I…I see.”

“What is the big deal?”

“It bothers me that you wouldn’t do the right thing.”

“And what exactly is the right thing, Faith?”

“Telling her!” I yelled.

“Really? Is that really what you think the right thing would be in this situation?”

“Yes!”

“And what would come of it?”

“What do you mean?”

“What good would come of me telling Guy’s girlfriend about it?”

“She would know! She could get herself tested for STDs!”

“And then what?”

“…and then she could move on from being cheated on instead of being strung along and treated badly.”

“Faith, I have known Guy for a LOT longer than I have his girlfriend. There is no reason for me to believe she is special to him.”

“What does that mean, Sean?”

“It means that I value my friendship with Guy more than a relationship he has with someone else. It’s not my place to get involved with that. I said my piece to Guy and it’s done. You’re the only one who is still hung up on it. Why?”

“Because….it makes me wonder if your friends would lie to me to cover your ass if you did something to hurt me. And I wouldn’t want that Sean. It would be humiliating for me.”

Sean was quiet on the phone for so long that I actually though we lost the connection.

“Are you really that worried that I’m going to cheat on you?”

“No. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much but it’s not because of that.”

“This is because of your last relationship, isn’t it? This is because of what Kevin did to you.”

I went to speak but was caught off guard. Is it really so obvious to everyone except for me how screwed up Kevin made me? Am I the only one who doesn’t realize it?

“Faith?”

“Yeah….I’m here.”

“You have to know that I would never do what he did to you. I would never….”

“I know. Can we just forget about this whole thing? I’ve got to go.”

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Good night Sean.”

I sat on my bed with my hand in my lap still holding the phone. Murphy jumped up next to me and meowed.

“What is wrong with me? I got closure. I moved on. Why am I letting my past interfere so much with what Sean and I have?”

All Murphy could do was meow. Looks like I’ve gotta go back to Dr. Sheehan and discuss this new revelation. I wish Kevin would stop making appearances in my life, guys. It’s just not fair.

Gotta Love Your Friends

I went to see Bridesmaids with the girls (except Anna who stayed home with the twins) last night and it was hilarious. We all had a great time and afterwards we stopped for dinner at a Chinese buffet. I told them about Sean’s visit and eventually got to Guy cheating on his girlfriend.

“Yep. So he isn’t going to say anything to her.” I said angrily sticking my fork in my beef fried rice.

“Why are you so bothered by this?” Molly asked me skeptically.

“Because Guy is lying to his girlfriend and Sean is basically helping him do it by not saying anything.”

“Oh...so you’re not upset that Guy cheated on his girlfriend.” Zoey said.

“What? Yes I am.”

“No. No you’re not. You’re upset because you think Sean is helping him do it and that somehow means he’ll cheat on you and expect his buddies to lie about it, too.” Zoey said taking a bite of orange chicken.

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No, Zoey’s right,” Molly said, “You’re more upset with Sean’s reaction to Guy’s infidelity than the actual dirty groupie sex. It reminds you that Sean could cheat on you and that upsets you. Totally makes sense.”

Zoey and Molly high-fived while I sat there and stared at them.

“Guys, I am NOT worried about Sean cheating on me. I never have been.”

“Whatever dude.” Molly got up to go get more from the buffet and left Zoey and I at the table. She was giggling at me.

“Zoey, you know about Sean’s problems with sex, why would I be worried about Sean sleeping with someone else when he had a hard time having sex with his girlfriend for the first few months of the relationship? He can’t get it up for one night stands.” I whispered.

“Faith, calm down. If you aren’t worried about him cheating on you then just drop the Guy thing. It’s none of your business and it’s none of Sean’s. Sean was right, it’s not his information to tell and it’s not his business to get involved and destroy his co-worker’s relationship.”

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.

“Faith, seriously. He’s going to be on tour for months. Do you honestly think breaking up Guy’s relationship by essentially tattling on him to his girlfriend is going to be conducive to living on a tour bus with each other? Sean has to think about his job with this and telling Guy’s girlfriend would not be in the best interests of the tour, the band, or Sean’s music career.”

“But-”

“Guy is a slimy jerk, Faith but it is not Sean’s place. This isn’t a black and white decision and I’m sure Sean would tell Guy’s girlfriend if it wouldn’t make everything else in his life so incredibly complicated.”

I sighed. Zoey was right. Molly came back with a plate of food and I got up to get more and to be alone with my thoughts. I don’t think Sean will cheat on me…I mean…he can’t physically-speaking but our conversation made me wonder why I am so bothered by this whole thing. I just can’t explain why it bothers me so much. It looks like I’ll need to bring this up to Dr. Sheehan at our next session.

Liar

I had to go to work yesterday which gave Sean time to do his laundry and catch up on a few errands but later we went out to dinner to a nice restaurant. It was quiet and romantic and it’s pretty obvious that Sean missed me a lot. He asked me how Murphy has been and how I’ve been and all sorts of things about how my days have been without him. I updated him on Anna’s twins and Zoey and Wesley before asking him about the guys.

“So how is everyone else doing on the tour, besides Karen?”

“Um…I think some of us are more suited to the road than others.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well…Guy sort of cheated on his girlfriend with some girl after a show.”

“What!?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like him.”

“Well, did you tell her?”

“Tell her what? It’s not my news to tell, Faith. It’s none of my business.”

“So you’re just going to let Guy lie to his girlfriend?”

“It’s none of my business.”

“What if it was me, Sean? Wouldn’t you want someone to tell me?”

“What? I’d never do that to you Faith. And if I did, I’d have the respect to tell you myself.”

“So…Guy is just going to sleep around while his girlfriend sits at home and misses him?”

“I guess. None of us have talked to him about it since we all walked in on them.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Jake, Lou, Eddie, and I all walked in on him and this girl on the tour bus.”

“Oh gross! I have lost all respect for him.”

“All of us have.”

“You have to tell her Sean! You just have to.”

“Faith, look, I’m only home until tomorrow, can we please not fight tonight?”

“Fine.” I said trying to push this conversation out of my head.

Sean and I finished dinner and went home to snuggle on my couch but I couldn’t stop thinking about Guy and what a jerk he was. Sean pulled me out of my thoughts.

“What?”

“I said, you should probably get this thing sized. You don’t want it to fling off your finger and lose it on the street.” He was talking about my engagement ring.

“Oh…right. I’ll get it done eventually.”

“You don’t want to put it off, Faith. You could lose it. Look how loose it is.”

“I won’t. I’ll get it done once things at work calm down.”

Sean left this morning and I’m pretty sad about it. He said that he should be back in another month for a longer stay (a whole week!) and that he’ll call me once they get to their hotel for the night. Meanwhile I’m still nowhere with Stormy’s situation and I’m about as frustrated by it as Stormy is. The lack of professionalism Veronica is showing about Stormy’s needs is shocking, to me personally. Running and hiding from issues is not how adults are supposed to function at work. I’m really at a loss of what to do and I can’t talk to anyone, like Suzy or Dina, about it because employee issues that deal with HR are supposed to be confidential.

He's Home

I decided to make Sean a home-cooked meal for when he got home. I’d been cooking a slab of roast beef in the slow cooker all day and just popped the stuffed mushrooms Sean loves out of the oven. I put them in the microwave so they would stay warm as I finished mashing the potatoes, making the gravy, and putting chocolate brownies in the oven. I was wearing a black, form-fitting dress with the music note necklace Sean got me, some red pumps, fishnets, and my hair was up in a half pony. I looked good and Sean walked in the door as soon as I closed the oven.

He put his black duffle bag down in the foyer and called for me. I came around the corner and we basically made out in my foyer for 10 minutes. We probably would have had sex right there on the floor if dinner wasn’t ready and waiting. Sean looked tired so I told him to go put his duffle bag in my room and relax while I set the table.

“Are you sure? I can help.”

“No, go relax. You’ve been on a tour bus all day.”

I set the table and put all of the food out before calling him over, he was practically nodding off on the couch.

“This looks amazing, Faith, thank you.” He said while pouring me a glass of wine.

“You’re welcome, I’m sure you’d want some real food after living off of fast food and diners.”

Sean told me about the tour and how it’s been going.

“At first, it was exciting but now, we’ve been on the road for nearly a month and it’s sort of turned into this blur of performances. I don’t even know where we’re going next.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, this is great for all of us and our careers but it’s already started taking its toll.”

“How so?”

“Well Karen’s boyfriend dumped her a few weeks ago. He couldn’t handle the time apart and Karen can’t just leave in the middle of the tour. I mean she’s our manager and practically the tour manager, too. He did it via text message. She’s been pretty broken up about it.”

“Text message?” I said wide-eyed.

“Yeah. Apparently they talked on the phone one night, got into a fight, and he ended up giving her an ultimatum: quit the tour and come back or break up. She said she needed time to think and he hung up on her. The next day he sent her a text saying it was over and that she needed to come get her stuff. That’s sort of why we have these three days off.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I mean we had a scheduled break soon, so Karen just switched some dates around and moved up our small break.”

“Wow, so where is she staying now?”

“I think her parents’ house? She organized a storage unit to put all of her stuff while she’s on tour and towards the end she’s going to have her sister find her an apartment so when the tour ends she can just move right into it.”

“Poor Karen, is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think she really wants the attention right now. Oh…hey why aren’t you wearing your engagement ring?” Sean looked at my hand with confusion.

“Oh, I forgot to put it back on. I didn’t want it to get dirty while I made dinner, so I put it in my jewelry box for safe-keeping. I’ll go put it on right now and take the brownies out of the oven.”

I gave Sean a kiss and then went to my room. I slid the ring on my finger, popped the brownies out of the oven to cool, and then grabbed the vanilla ice cream hanging out in my freezer. I cut us both out a square of brownie and topped it with ice cream before coming out and setting them on the table.

“Yum!” Sean said.

I waved my left hand around in a flourish and Sean laughed.

“What a GORGEOUS ring, Faith.”

“I know, my fiancé picked it out for me,” I said smiling, “Isn’t it perfect?”

“It is. A perfect ring for a perfect lady.”

“Well, the ring may be perfect but my fiancé is really the perfect one.”

“Okay…even I’m getting grossed out by how cute we’re being.”

“Me too.”

We laughed and dug into our dessert while I told Sean all about the girls and the issue I’m having at work.

“She just keeps avoiding the meeting. It’s not like her, something is up. Steve told me she could be fired.”

“But Steve is a gossip, right? I mean how does he know?”

“Some of the higher-ups have been coming to our office and meeting with Veronica. Everyone has been talking about it.”

“Yeah but that could be for any reason. The news has been all over the place lately, maybe they just want to be more involved with what is being covered?”

“I guess that’s possible.” I said.

“This brownie is awesome, what did you put in it?”

“I used white chocolate chips in addition to milk chocolate.”

“Nice choice.” Sean said, “So…I have a really important question.”

“Okay.” I giggled.

“Why haven’t we had sex yet? I’m about to rip that dress off of you.”

“I still have the dishes to do,” I said standing up and reaching to collect the plates.

“Leave them I’ll do them later.” And then Sean chased me into my bedroom.

Avoidance

Sean sent me a video he took from the stage during one of their tour performances and I was shocked at how big the crowd was. I think Sean has been downplaying how successful the band has been getting because he’s worried or something. There was a small article about his band in the paper the other day that was really nice. The writer said they thought Sean’s band would be at the top of the charts by next year. It’s sort of surreal to think about that but with the video he sent me, I can definitely believe it. The things is….I’m not sure that Sean even wants that. We’re doing well but I’ve gotta say: I miss him a lot. He’s coming home tomorrow for three days and I can’t wait. I’m so excited to see him that I can barely focus on work.

Speaking of which, Veronica agreed to cut the number of stories Stormy is being assigned and extended his deadlines but she evaded my questions about setting up a meeting with him and the HR rep for the station. Stormy is right. This isn’t typical of Veronica; something is going on with her. It’s not really my place to get to the bottom of it, either. I went to tell Stormy after lunch, he was at his desk, as usual. He followed me into my office and sat down wearily, but hopeful.

“So I talked to Veronica. She’s going to talk to Greg about reducing the amount of stories you’re being assigned and pushing your deadlines back a little.”

Stormy let out a sigh of relief, “Okay, so when are we going to meet to discuss my contract?”

I looked at the floor, “Stormy, you might not even want to renegotiate your contract with the lesser work load.”

“Oh COME ON!” He was yelling, “Even YOU couldn’t get her to schedule a meeting!?”

“Stormy, there’s a lot going on right now for everyone.” I said trying to calm him down, “Veronica has always been a hard person to schedule time with. Take the lesser workload and see how you feel after a week or two, okay?”

Stormy looked pissed but nodded. He left my office in a huff.

“WHAT was that about?” Steve said coming into my office and handing me some files I’d asked him to copy.

“Nothing.” I sighed, “Veronica has been hard to schedule a meeting with.”

“Oh…” Steve laid the files on my desk but I stopped him.

“What do you know?” I asked glaring at him.

“Um. Nothing. Why would you think that I…I don’t know anything.” Steve was avoiding eye contact with me.

“Spill it, Steve.”

“It’s just a rumor.”

“I want to hear it.”

“Word on the street is that Veronica might be fired by the higher-ups.”

“What! Why?”

“I have no idea. I swear!”

“How do you know this?”

“Rose said that a few of Veronica’s bosses are keeping tabs on her and scheduling almost daily meetings. She said she can often hear raised voices but she isn’t sure what the meetings are about; the only thing she’s been able to get is that they aren’t going in Veronica’s favor.”

“Steve that’s ridiculous! We’d see them in the office if they were coming here every day.”

“We have seen them though! Rose said they usually come in the morning before everyone else gets into work, but I’ve seen them come at later times in the day, too. You’re usually in your office, so it makes sense that you’ve never seen them walking around the floor.”

I was shocked at what Steve was saying. Not just because it was surprising but because I hadn’t noticed it at all. I told Steve to try and shut the rumors down if he could and then he left. If Veronica is fired I don’t know what that will mean for the paper or me. I mean, she hired me. She hired all of us! If the higher-ups were questioning her judgment they might choose to re-evaluate all of us as well to see if there were better candidates and to weed out any mistakes Veronica may have made.

(Author's Note: I apologize for posting this late but Blogger was undergoing maintenance and wouldn't let me post it when I wanted to.)