Hunting

I was offered both jobs for the interviews I had this week but I’m not going to take either of them. The one job I told you about last week just doesn’t pay enough and I don’t know that I want to spend all my time looking at a computer screen and working out of an old YMCA building. And I didn’t think I’d be a good fit with the company that offered me the other job. I’m glad they were willing to offer me the positions but I think I can find something that I’m better suited for. HR wasn’t exactly something I expected to turn into a career and it definitely didn’t correlate to my major in college (which was only two years ago, mind you!) and I think I can find a better job that holds my interests.


I spent most of the weekend looking for more job openings and applied for some that weren’t all that HR related…and, of course, worrying about Anna. My conscience got the best of me and I went to visit her after work. When she opened the door, she became really uncomfortable at the sight of me.

“Hey Faith….what’s going on?” She didn’t open the door to invite me in which I thought was odd.

“Nothing, I just thought I’d stop by and see if you needed anything…is this a bad time?”

“I was just cleaning.” She finally opened the door and let me in. Apparently, cleaning was an understatement. The place was spotless….uncomfortably so. Nothing was out of place and the remnants of the weekend were gone.

“Wow, you’ve been busy in here.”

“Faith….what do you want?” Anna looked down at her feet and seemed annoyed at my presence.

“Anna, I’m just concerned about you. I know you probably don’t like that all of us know about Theo and you, but no one’s judging you. Why can’t you just let me be here for you?”

Anna was silent for awhile, “I don’t really know what you want me to say. This whole situation is embarrassing. It wasn’t supposed to be like this Faith.” She started crying and I went to get her a tissue. We sat down and I let Anna talk it out. I just listened and was there for her.

I guess Theo has been blaming her for the miscarriage even though he knows trying to pinpoint a reason for it is impossible. He told her that maybe if she’d gone to the doctor when she first felt the cramping (apparently, she had cramping nearly a week before the miscarriage, but knew that that can be fairly common for women who have trouble conceiving and it was hardly noticeable) they could have done something. As she talked about the eventual downward spiral of her marriage, I could feel the sadness in her voice. She isn’t the same person I knew. She used to be optimistic and happy, her smile could brighten a room, and when I think about the immense joy she exuded at the announcement of her pregnancy, a piece of my heart died. Anna is a great worker and she has a career that she loves, but Anna wants a baby and now that Theo’s left her, the hope of a child has evaporated. She’s a shell of her former self. Anna started crying really hard and I took her to her bedroom and convinced her to take a nap, I promised I wouldn’t leave until she was okay.

After stroking her hair for awhile, she fell asleep and I walked out her room and closed the door. I sat down, turned on the television, and kicked my heels off to get comfortable. After seeing Anna in so much emotional pain, I was exhausted (I can’t imagine how exhausted she was, either). I wanted to help her so badly but couldn’t really think of anything to do. Suddenly the door opened.

“Uh….hey Theo.” I said awkwardly, feeling like I just got caught doing something wrong.

He was startled, “Oh…hey Faith…I didn’t think anyone would be home…I’m assuming you know by now?”

“Yeah.”

“I just came to get some stuff.” He started walking to the bedroom but I stopped him.

“Anna is in there sleeping…it took me forever to get her to sleep, do you have to get the stuff now?”

“I guess not,” he sighed. I expected him to leave but he ended up sitting in an armchair next to me.

We shared an uncomfortable silence and eventually I just couldn’t control myself any longer.

“I know that it’s none of my business…but I think you guys should continue trying to work things out. You and Anna were made for each other. I’ve never seen a couple so happy and-“

Theo cut me off, “We’ve already tried, nothing can be done. She doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

I gave Theo a confused glance, “Anna said you left her.”

“I did. But after a few days I tried to reconcile and she wanted nothing to do with me. I can’t do this anymore. Seeing her the way she’s been for the last couple of days has broken my heart Faith…to know I’m the cause of it…I just…”

“You aren’t the cause of that, Theo…the miscarriage is. Do you really blame her for the miscarriage?”

Theo paused.

“I need to have something to blame. I can’t grieve or deal with it until I could blame something.”

“So Anna was the person you chose to blame? Oh, Theo…”

“I know it’s not right, I don’t want to blame her and I know it’s only making it worse for her but there has to be a reason Faith. There has to be a reason we lost our child. It can’t just be some whim or unfortunate event-"

“No, Theo. You’re wrong,” I said gently, “things like this…they happen. There aren’t reasons for it and it’s completely unfair that people like you and Anna have had to go through it, but you can’t blame her for this, you know you can’t.”

Theo looked up at me for the first time, “I can’t fix this, Faith.”

“Yes you can. Let go, Theo. If you let go, Anna can let go and she can go back to who she was. She can be your wife again; happy, content, loving. If you still love her, it’s worth fixing.”

Theo nodded and I took that as my cue to leave. I slipped my shoes on, grabbed my bag, and walked out the front door hoping beyond hope that Theo could get Anna through this.