Losing Faith

“Dude you need to stop listening to that shitty Passenger song and actually ‘Let Her Go’.”

“What? Dan, that’s not even what the song is about.”

“Yeah it is.”

“No, it’s not, it’s about only realizing you’re in love with someone until you’re not with them anymore.”

“Oh…well. Whatever, man! Then make like Frozen and ‘Let it Go’!”

I sighed. I had taken a late flight back to Cincinnati almost as soon as Faith left and I collapsed on my couch as soon as I got back to my bare apartment in Ohio. I had been staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on my iPod stereo for hours before I called Dan and told him what happened. That’s how I ended up talking to him about Frozen at two in the morning with Passenger playing in the background.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t at least stop by to see me and Penny.”

“I told you, after Faith left I just wanted to leave. I feel so stupid. Grand gestures of love never work.”

“Adam, you’ve gotta move on.”

“I thought you liked Faith.” I said.

“I do. I did. I think you guys make a great couple but…she’s moving on, man. She was on a date with that Mike guy when you showed up. I don’t think the message could be any clearer. You…you waited too long, buddy.”

Ouch. The truth was that I had tried to get over her. And for a few weeks I was doing okay. I was getting acclimated to my new job, I was moving into my new place; all very good distractions for getting over someone you love. Until I found some of her stuff mixed up with mine as I was unpacking. It was a jolt to my system but I tried to ignore it. I sent it all back to her thinking it would be a good way to symbolically say good bye and help me get on with my life but I couldn’t pretend like I was fine anymore.

It all feels so hollow without her. At first, I was mad. She specifically waited to dump me until the last possible minute so there was no going back from it and no way for me to talk her out of it. But then I had a few weeks to think about it by myself and I understood why she did it. I thought about the weeks before I moved over and over again and I realized that she was trying to tell me the whole time about how scared she was and I just wasn’t listening. I was too focused on my new job and how great it was going to be that I made myself believe she was overreacting, that she would be fine.

It’s really ironic that I gave up the love of my life for a job I absolutely hate. Ironic. Or painful. Or tragic. Whatever.

“I screwed up, man.” I said simply, “I really fucked things up. All for a job I hate.”

“Maybe you hate it because you’ve refused to actually try and like it.” Dan said.

I didn’t say anything so he just kept talking.

“Come on, Adam. You’ve been so busy missing her that you haven’t actually done anything to ground you there. You don’t hang out with your co-workers outside of work. You don’t even eat lunch with them. You eat your sad lunches at your desk! You barely meet your deadlines. Your apartment is basically empty. You’ve got no life there and it’s because you’ve refused to build one.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I brushed him off.

“I mean it, dude. Go to Ikea or something.”

When I first got to Cincinnati I was staying in a hotel with my moving truck while I looked for apartments. Shortly after I put the down payment on my new one I came back to my hotel room and realized my truck had been broken into and a ton of my stuff had been stolen or vandalized. As a result I had a couch, my bed, and a bunch of boxes but almost no furniture. I surveyed my bare apartment sullenly from my position on the couch.

“I’m trying the minimalist thing.” I said sarcastically.

“You know what you need?” Dan said.

“What?”

“You need to get laid.”

“I’m not really-”

“No, seriously, you need to just find some girl, have some fun, and then when you feel better you can drop her. Or not. I’m not your mom.”

“I, uh, think I’m done doing that.” I said, “It always caused more problems than it solved. Remember Rose?”

“Oh, god, she was NUTS. But it’s not like trying to have mature relationships worked out for you either. There was Amber and then Faith. You attract the crazies, man.”

“Faith isn’t crazy.” I said angrily and seriously.

“Alright, so you’re not at the part of healing where you want to insult the ex-girlfriend yet…” Dan said defensively.

Hearing Dan refer to Faith as my ex-girlfriend hurt a lot more than I anticipated it to.

“All I’m saying is that you have to get out more, Adam. All you do is go to work and the gym. Socialize with other people, especially female people. Why don’t you hang out with that guy at work who always asks if you want to grab a beer? You know he won’t keep asking you if you keep saying no.”

Dan was referring to Aaron, an editorial writer at work, who always invites me out to happy hour at the end of the day. I’ve always declined the invite because I have more important things to do, like sit alone in my apartment in the dark.

…Okay, so maybe Dan has a point about me being anti-social.

“There’s some truth to the idea that sleeping with someone new helps you get over someone, though.” Dan tried again, “Surely there’s a hot girl working around you that you could smile at and go home with. You’ve never had problems with getting the ladies.”

“I’ve already had the pleasure of being the office slut before, Dan. I think I’m too old for sleeping around now.”

“You’re 28.” He said flatly.

“I’ll be 29 soon.”

“In, like, nine months!”

“Shut up, I’m practically thirty.”

We laughed and god it felt good. I haven’t laughed much in the past six weeks and Dan always knows how to pick me up when I need him to. That’s one thing Peter is useless for. If I had called him instead of Dan I’m sure I would’ve just gotten a lecture about how I’m better off and need to set my sights on someone more “appropriate” for me (ie: my family). But Dan knows how to cheer me up. And I know he’s right. I do need to move on but…

“I just don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t but you can’t just throw yourself pity parties forever, man. Faith certainly isn’t. Hell, she’s probably fucking that Mike guy’s brains out right now and you’re sitting in your apartment listening to fucking Passenger.”

“What is your problem with Passenger?”

“He’s got a whiny voice, okay? Look, Faith isn’t waiting around for you anymore, alright? She’s with her new hot boyfriend and he’s probably making her scream his name right now and she’s forgotten all about you.”

Dan was trying to make me angry and it wasn't really working.

“Knock it off.” I said easily.

“Oh, come on, you want to sit here and feel sad so let’s talk about how much better in bed he is than you.”

"Dan." I sighed.

“That doesn’t bother you? Alright. Well, I bet he makes her a lot happier than you ever did.”

And that did it.

“Shut UP!” I yelled.

“It had to be done.” He said simply, “You need to wake up to the reality of what is happening. She’s with someone else now and she’s over you.”

“She told me she still loved me.”

“Sure she did. You showed up at her apartment out of nowhere. What was she supposed to say to you? She told you what you wanted to hear.”

I winced at what Dan said. Was that actually true? Did she just tell me what she wanted to hear so I’d leave her alone? Was she really over me this soon? If that was the case, did she ever love me at all? Did she just tell me she loved me because I said it first? Did she feel like I was pressuring her to say it back?

“I get it. You can stop now.” I said quietly.

I ran my free hand over my head and sighed.

“I love her, Dan.” The pain in my voice was evident even to me.

“I know, man. But she doesn’t love you anymore and at the end of the day you have to find some other reason to get out of bed in the morning than the possibility of getting back together with the girl that broke your heart. Time to forget her and take care of yourself.”

“You’re right.”

“And the best way to do that is to find someone else to distract you until you’re good to go.”

I’m not sure Dan is right about that but his advice is the best I’ve got. I’m not ready for what he suggested but after we hung up I did grab my laptop and started looking for a dresser to replace the one that had been vandalized. Little steps, I guess.