Grim

Veronica called everyone into an all-staff meeting to announce the closing of the paper. I don’t think anyone was prepared. It’s such an unexpected time to lay people off; right in between Christmas and New Year’s. The shock on everyone’s faces was heartbreaking. After Veronica made the announcement and answered some basic questions, she gave the floor to me where I spoke about the severance packages and the option to cancel any contracts an employee might have with the news station. I avoided eye contact with my friends when I mentioned that everyone would be pulled into a meeting with me by the end of next week to go over their severance packages and options. I started with Stormy.

As soon as the door closed, he started yelling.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this!”

“Stormy, you know I couldn’t. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell everyone but it was all confidential.”

“How long have you known about this?”

“That’s…complicated.” I said.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Faith?”

“I’ve known for awhile. I’ve known it was a possibility for even longer than that. But I can’t talk about it, Stormy. It’s all confidential.”

“Are you telling me that the paper has been teetering on the brink of shutting down forever? Is this why the paper was moved to all digital?”

I didn’t say anything. Stormy tiredly fell into a chair across from my desk and looked into the distance, deep in thought.

“Your severance package is very generous.” I said pulling out the file I had made for him months ago, “You’ll be allowed to cancel your contract with the station if you want to.”

Stormy flipped through the file, put it under his arm, and left without a word. I sighed. Not only did I have a meeting with Stormy, but I had them with Steve, Tom, Dina, and Suzy, among others. There were tears, there was yelling and anger; there was confusion, shock, and real pain on people’s faces. My friends looked at me like I had betrayed them. Dina gave me a hug, though.

She told me that she knew I was in an uncomfortable position and that she couldn’t hold it against me. I appreciated her words a lot and I think they got me through the rest of the day. When I came home from work, Stormy wasn’t there. He didn’t show up until really late and I’m pretty sure he’d been out drinking on account of the fact that my apartment smelled like a distillery almost as soon as he walked through the door. I thought it was best to give him his space and let him sleep it off. He’ll talk to me when he’s processed everything.

Humpty Dumpty

Christmas with the family was a good one. It was great to have my brother home, finally. I got back last night and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow since it’ll be the day Veronica announces that we are shutting down. She’ll make the announcement and then everyone will be given a long weekend because of the holiday to recover from the news. Hopefully, Suzy, Dina, and Steve won’t chase me down with pitchforks when they find out. I still haven’t told my parents about my job situation and I have been applying to jobs frantically. Most of them I don’t even have an interest in but I’m in panic mode and I’m applying to any and all jobs that I think I’m qualified for and have a realistic chance of getting. I’m not even sure I want to work in HR anymore. I’ve been looking at jobs outside of HR and feel so out of my element and lost.

Stormy is going to resume his search for an apartment once the holidays are over because so many people are out of town and aren’t available to show apartments. He paid half the rent for this month, which was unexpected but appreciated. I actually kind of like having a roommate. Things don’t seem as lonely with him around, even if he is sleeping on my couch. He’s pretty much the only friend I have right now, besides Murphy, and I think Murphy likes him more than me but that might be because Stormy sneaks him kitty treats a lot.

I’m still being iced out by my friends. I tried calling all of them to wish them a Merry Christmas and no one answered. I wonder if I’m even considered Weatherly’s god mother anymore…I also noticed that Zoey removed me as a Facebook friend. Ouch. I think she’s being overdramatic. What I do with Sean is really none of her business which is why I didn’t tell her or Anna or Molly about it.

I’m trying hard to stay on top of things. It would be really easy to fall apart right now just from the stress of knowing I’m going to be laid off, let alone having all of my friends desert me, feeling so lost with feelings about my career, and stuck in limbo with Sean. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. When did my life become such a huge mess? I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t a giant mess, actually. I’ve been balancing a lot of crap for a long time. Hm. Maybe I should try to get things back on track as a New Year’s Resolution. I think I know the first thing to toss out with the trash, too.

Home Sweet Home

I flew home for Christmas yesterday and it was a really long flight. I’ve been thinking about my fight with Zoey for days. She won’t return my calls or e-mails, neither will Anna or Molly. I’ve been completely frozen out by my friends. I’m angry at Zoey for telling Anna and Molly my business and I don’t think she had any right to do that. There was a reason I hadn’t told any of them about the things that had been going on and this is why. I knew they wouldn’t support me. I don’t think I’m asking them for much. It’s really none of their business who I choose to involve myself with and it’s certainly not their job to judge me for it.

Being home has been really nice even with all of the bad stuff meddling with my thoughts. I’ve really missed my parents. My brother got home from his tour in Afghanistan a few days ago. We didn’t expect him to be home until April but all of the soldiers in Afghanistan are being pulled out and my brother was one of them. He didn’t tell any of us. He showed up at the house and my mom almost had a stroke. There were lots of tears and happiness and the first thing he ate was a cheeseburger from McDonald’s.

I’ve been thinking about how things were last year. I was really doubting my relationship with Sean and I was so unhappy and here I am a year later, still unhappy and doing whatever it is I’m doing with Sean. At the same time it’s a bittersweet memory because things might have been fixable at that point. I don’t know why I keep holding onto thoughts like that about our relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship with Sean and after what I just did to Randy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don’t know how my life has turned into what it has. I’m about to be unemployed, my friends have all deserted me, and I’m having sex with someone that I feel constantly confused about. My life is a mess and I have a lot of thinking to do to try and get my act together before I lose everything.

I haven’t heard back from any jobs, meanwhile none of my co-workers are even remotely aware that they are all about to be told they are going to lose their jobs. I’m preparing myself for the fallout that’s sure to come when my work friends find out and feel like I betrayed them. I won’t blame them for feeling that way, either. I would probably feel the same way if it were me. Stormy is the one I’m most worried about since he’s still couch surfing in my apartment (he’s watching Murphy for me while I’m home and I told him he could sleep in my bed instead of on the couch while I’m away). I hope things don’t get super awkward.

The next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

Friend Flight

Sean slept over last night (Stormy had a date that apparently went very well with some girl because he never came home). Apparently, Karen’s sister was throwing her a baby shower out of town so she wasn’t going to be home. I had just showered and was drying my hair while Sean went to go shower. About 5 minutes later, I went to go get my mail and found Zoey on my door step.

“Um. Hi.” I said stepping into the hallway and closing my door.

“What are you doing? We’re supposed to go shopping today.” She said.

I had completely forgotten. I called Zoey after my brunch with Molly because I wanted to see my friends more and we agreed to go shopping this morning.

“You forgot.” She said.

“N-no.” I said trying to cover.

“Yes you did. Let’s get you dressed and ready to go, then!” She said cheerily and pushed open my door.

“Hey Faith, you didn’t leave any towels.”

Sean had just walked out from my bathroom with a hand towel strategically placed and Zoey saw him. She looked at him and then at me before walking right back out of my apartment. I shot Sean a dirty look before chasing after her.

“Zoey, wait! Please! Wait!”

I caught up with her on the stairs.

“Let me explain!” I said.

Zoey stopped on the stairs below me and looked up. She looked tired and sad.

“Faith, I don’t want to listen to you explain. I’m done. I can’t watch him destroy you again. I watched it once; I’m not doing it again.”

“It’s not like that, Zoey. We aren’t back together.”

“Look, you can do whatever you want, Faith. I don’t care anymore. If you want to do whatever it is you’re doing with him then, fine, but I’m not going to sit around and wait until he ruins you again so the rest of us can put the pieces back together. I’ve gotta go.”

“Zoey…” I squeaked out, “You’re supposed to be my best friend…”

“I never wanted it to come to this but I can’t watch you do this to yourself all over again for my own sanity, Faith. I care about you which is why I’m not going to go through the pain of watching you fall apart all over again. I just can’t.” And with that she left.

I sat in the stairwell for a long time before going back to my apartment. Sean was still there.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Just go.” I said.

He left a few hours ago. Stormy hasn’t come home yet but I’m not looking forward to it when he does. I just want to be left alone for a little while.

Bad News Bears

“I’m so sorry, Faith.” Molly said over brunch.

I had just told her about my job and the fact that I’m losing it. I called her yesterday and said I needed to talk to someone and then she suggested we go to brunch.

“I know I haven’t been in touch as much as I should be.” I said, “I just have a lot going on. How are Anna and Zoey?”

“Zoey moved in with Wesley last week.”

“She…didn’t tell me.” I said with an air of sadness.

“It happened pretty fast…” Molly said, “Anna is doing well and so are the twins. Theo was made chief resident.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for them. How are you?”

“I’m doing well. I’ve been to a few auditions and I’m working on a show right now and making costumes for another. I’m busy, but that’s theatre!”

“That’s great Molly.”

“Aside from your job, what else has been going on? I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving.” She said.

“Nothing. Well, Randy and I broke up.”

“Oh. Why?”

“It just didn’t work out.” I said shrugging and trying to avoid having to explain the real reason why.

“Have you seen him around your building? I hope it’s not too awkward for you guys.”

“I have actually. Things are hard but we’re okay.” I said.

I saw Randy in the mailroom the other day. We just smiled sadly at each other before parting ways.

I feel a little better after catching up with Molly and I’m going to try to do the same with Anna and Zoey. Hopefully now that I’m not dating Randy they will stop judging my choices. If anything, they should at least stop judging me momentarily while I tell them about my future unemployment.

Bombs Away

Veronica pulled me into her office today after lunch.

“Faith, I’m not sure how to say this so I’m going to get right to the point: The paper is being shut down. The investors aren’t impressed with the move to digital and we can’t sustain the paper with our current subscriber base, even if it grows by 100% in the next month. Everyone who doesn’t work in tandem with the news station is going to lose their jobs. I need you to start making severance packages. We’re going to announce the two week notice at the end of December.”

I felt like a bomb had gone off. I would be losing my job, too. Steve, Suzy, Dina…all of us will be unemployed and looking for work during the worst possible time.

“Veronica, you need to tell everyone now. People need to start looking for work as soon as possible.”

“I’m not going to be responsible for ruining everyone’s holidays, Faith. Make sure their severance packages are generous. Here’s the budget we have for those,” she said handing me a budget breakdown, “I’m sorry, Faith.”

I left Veronica’s office in shock. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I spent the rest of the day reviewing the severance packages I had made when she first told me this was a possibility and I added more to them. People who work with the news station will be receiving less but I think that’s just fair since they’ll still have a paycheck coming in; they’ll also be able to choose whether or not they want to be released from their contracts with the news station to seek out better work.

I feel like a traitor walking around the office pretending like everything is okay, looking at all of my co-workers and friends who are about to be out of a job…I asked Veronica if I could work from home on Monday. She said yes. I think she’s worried I’m going to tell people before she officially announces it. I don’t plan to, though. I don’t want to be the bearer of news like that. Living with Stormy and not telling him is going to be hard but I think it will be okay.

I’ve already started looking for more jobs. I applied to two but I don’t think I want to be in HR anymore. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, actually. It’s not fulfilling for me anymore, especially when things like massive layoffs happen. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how to tell my parents without freaking them out.

Comparisons

Stormy came back from apartment hunting in a good mood.

“Aw, yes! Chinese food!” He said walking into the living room with some chopsticks and a white food container, “Oh, who died?”

I was sitting in the living room with the lights off in silence, stroking Murphy on my lap. I hadn’t cried at all and I just felt numb.

“I just told my boyfriend that I’ve been cheating on him for the past month. How was apartment hunting?” I said.

“Apartment hunting went okay. I put in an offer for one place. They’re going to get back to me. Do you want to eat?”

“No. You probably shouldn’t eat that,” I said, “it’s been sitting out for 5 hours.”

Stormy spit out the food he had just put in his mouth and put the container on the coffee table gingerly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked turning on a side table lamp.

“No.”

“Do you want me to give you some space?” Stormy asked. It was clear he was at a loss of how to help me feel better.

“No. There’s nothing you can do, Stormy. I did this all on my own and I’m going to have to deal with it all on my own.”

“That’s not true, Faith. I’m here for you.”

I smiled sadly at him before turning to look out the window in my living room.

“You should eat something. I’ll make dinner.”

After 5 minutes, Stormy came back with a microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner on a plate. I laughed.

“What? I’m not the best at cooking okay?”

Just then I got a phone call. It was from Sean. I looked at my phone on the coffee table and immediately stopped smiling.

“Do you want me to answer it and tell him to leave you alone?” Stormy joked.

“No.” I sighed before putting my plate down, grabbing my phone, and going into my room to answer it.

“What?” I asked in greeting.

“What happened?” Sean asked.

“Well, my relationship is over. As it should be. I told him everything.”

“That’s good, Faith. Now you won’t feel so guilty-”

“Excuse me? You aren’t coming over again. We’re over, too.”

“Why? Because you replaced me with Stormy?” He said acidly.

My mouth dropped and I spluttered because I was taken so off guard.

“That’s none of your….I’m helping…..he needed a place to stay because……how dare you, Sean! Why don’t you just call me a whore and get it over with?”

I hung up the phone and flung it at my bed. I realized that Stormy had probably heard me since I had been shouting that last part. I stayed in my room the rest of the night. Stormy came to check if I was okay a few times but when I didn’t answer he left me alone. This must be an awkward living situation for him. I feel bad; he left his crazy girlfriend only to move in with someone who is even more screwed up.

Not a Happy Ending

Living with Stormy has been pretty easy so far. It’s kind of nice having a roommate, actually.

I had the apartment to myself because Stormy was out apartment hunting. Sean ended up coming over again. We were getting down to business when there was a knock on my door. We had ordered Chinese take-out and I went to answer the door. But it wasn’t our food. My eyes were huge.

“Hey, I just wanted to see if you were up for grabbing some lunch.” Randy said when I opened the door.

“Uh...”

“This must be Stormy, right?” Randy said inviting himself in and going to shake Sean’s hand.

“…uh, yeah. It’s nice to meet you.” Sean said shaking Randy’s hand.

I gave up at that moment.

“No. It’s not.” I said with an air of exhaustion, “Sean, you should go. Now, please.”

Sean left without a word and Randy looked confused for a minute until the realization dawned on him.

“Sean…? As in…your ex-fiancé, Sean?”

I nodded and took Randy’s hand before leading him to sit down in a chair.

“Randy, I’ve…not been honest with you. When I told you that I wanted to be exclusive, I did. I really meant it. I wasn’t seeing anyone else. But then Sean showed up and we…we ended up sleeping together. I’ve felt terrible about it and I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks. It didn’t just happen once, either. I am so sorry.”

Randy didn’t say anything. He was processing what I had just said when the food I had ordered arrived. I apologized before answering the door and leaving the food in the kitchen to rejoin Randy in the living room.

“How long have you been dating him?”

“Randy, it…it wasn’t like that. We aren’t dating…it was just…”

“You guys were just having sex?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“A month.” I said. It felt like I was stabbing Randy, and myself, with each word.

“For a month?” Randy said more to himself than to me, “Did I do something wrong? Is it because of Teddy?”

“What? No. Randy, I really like you. I love spending time with you and the fact that you have a child has nothing to do with what I’ve done. The truth is…I probably should have turned you down when you asked me out. I wasn’t over my relationship with Sean. I wasn’t prepared to be in another serious relationship so soon and I should have told you that from the beginning but I was in denial. I really thought I was fine and that I was over him but I’m not and things are so complicated now. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and I really didn’t want to hurt you. I know that I did and I feel awful about it.”

Randy didn’t say much. I told him about my relationship with Sean and how it affected me. I explained that dating him, among other men, was a way for me to be defiant against my feelings left over from my relationship and that I regret not dealing with it better. He was quiet and was taking it all in.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said finally.

The food I had ordered had long gone cold and my apartment was significantly darker than when Randy had first knocked on my door.

“I could try to look past this…” He said quietly.

“You won’t be able to.” I said and Randy understood seeing as how he’d just listened to me talk about trying to recover from Sean cheating on me and not being able to, “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore, Randy. I wouldn’t want to be with me, either.”

“I like you, Faith, I think…if things had gone differently I probably would have fallen in love with you.”

“You still like me even though I’ve just done one of the worst things imaginable?”

Randy thought about it.

“You were trying to run away from a lot of hard stuff. I know that coping can be hard. Not everything is easy. After my wife died, I started drinking a lot. And I know that if I hadn’t been shaken out of it I wouldn’t have been able to take control of my life again. I understand, Faith, even though this really sucks.”

“Randy, you’re such a great guy. I never deserved you. And you don’t deserve what I’ve put you through. I really am sorry.”

Randy gave me a hug.

“So, I guess we’re over?” Randy said.

“I guess so.” I said sadly.

He kissed me on my cheek and I squeezed his hand before he left.

Surprise Visitor

December 1^st, 2011

Sean came over again. We were on my couch ripping pieces of clothing off of each other. Things were getting really hot; I was on top and Sean had just taken off my bra and thrown it across the room. His mouth was paying attention to my chest when I heard my front door open.

“Oh, God! I’m so sorry!” I looked up in time to see Stormy covering his eyes and backing into a wall with his suitcase on the ground in front of him.

I grabbed a blanket to cover my boobs and fell off of Sean onto the floor; who had to shove a certain body part back into his boxers and zip up his pants. Sean was shirtless and stood up awkwardly. He helped me stand up and then put his hands in his pockets.

“Could you go?” I asked Sean.

“Yeah. Bye.” He said grabbing his shirt and shoes and walking out the door, presumably to dress in the hallway.

“Stormy, it’s okay; you can stop covering your eyes.” I said, approaching him cautiously.

“I’m so sorry.” He said, “Rose and I got into a fight so I ended things and came over here a day early. I didn’t think you’d mind. I am SO SORRY.”

“It’s okay.” I said, “Everyone and their mom has already seen my boobs anyway.” I said trying to reduce the awkwardness, “I’ll go get the blankets and stuff so you can make up your bed on the couch. I cleared out some drawers in my entertainment center so you could put your clothes and stuff away. Feel free to start unpacking. I’ll go get dressed and then order us a pizza, okay?”

I put some clothes on before giving Stormy a stack of bed linens and going to order the pizza. When I got back Stormy was bright red.

“Um. This is yours.” He said holding up the very sexy bra I had been wearing.

“Thanks.” I said taking it from him and throwing it into my bedroom.

“Stormy, I’m really sorry that happened.” I said.

“We don’t need to talk about it. I’m sorry I ruined your plans.” He said sitting in an armchair looking incredibly embarrassed.

“Well. This is awkward.” I said.

We both laughed and things finally relaxed a bit. Our pizza came and we had a Project Runway marathon again. It was fun.

“So, you’re back with your ex again?” Stormy said while Nina and Michael discussed the designs one designer had put forward.

“It’s…complicated.” I said, “We’re not exactly back together.”

“Did you break up with that other guy? The one with the kid?”

“It’s complicated.” I said again.

Stormy caught the hint and didn’t press me further.

“You’re okay, though?” He asked after awhile.

I didn’t say anything. Instead I just snuggled into his side and gave him a hug.

I went to put the leftovers in the fridge but Stormy stopped me.

“Hey, Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad we’re friends.”

I smiled.

“Me too, Stormy.”