He Is Worth It

Adam and I planned to have a quiet dinner together the night before he was supposed to drive a moving truck to his new apartment in Cincinnati. We had just finished packing up almost everything (his bed would be packed in the morning) and were deciding on what we wanted to eat. I hadn’t been looking forward to this night at all.

We decided to order in pasta from an Italian place about 20 minutes away. When it arrived, I mostly just picked at my penne. We were sitting on the floor with our plates sitting on a box.

“You’re really quiet.” Adam said.

I shrugged.

He studied my face like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should. He shook his head and moved his linguine around his plate.

“Go ahead. Say it.” I said quietly.

“You’ve been really quiet ever since my going away party.” He said, “What’s going on?”

I put my fork down deliberately. This was a conversation I’d never wanted to have but I knew it was going to happen before he left and it was finally time. I took a deep breath and a short beat before I looked up into his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about us and you moving and I don’t want to try this long distance. I can’t do that again.” My voice wavered but never broke.

Adam looked confused and then hurt.

“You’re just nervous, Faith. That’s normal, it’s-”

“This isn’t nerves, Adam. I’ve given this a lot of thought since you told me the job was in Ohio. I wanted to try long distance but I just…I can’t. You’ve never been in a long distance relationship before and I-”

Adam shook his head and laughed.

“I can’t believe I never realized it. I was stupid not to. This is about Sean, isn’t it? I’m not going to cheat on you, Faith!”

I gave a frustrated sigh.

“I’m not worried you’ll cheat on me, Adam. This is so, so much...bigger....than that. But, yes, it’s about Sean.” I could tell by his reaction that he hadn’t expected me to admit it, “It’s about the fact that he and I were completely different people after we tried to be a long distance couple. I can’t become that person again and I don’t want you to become a different person, either. Not for the worse, anyway.”

“I’m not him.” He said.

He stood up and I followed.

“I know you're not. I'm not comparing you to him,” I put my hand on the side of his face, “you’re such a good person, Adam. I don’t want you to become a bitter and resentful person like Sean did. I don’t want to dread your visits home. And I don’t want to become that girl again. I would rather end this now than watch us slowly become miserable shells of people we don't know.”

Adam was quiet for a moment. His hands rested on his hips and he looked at the ground and shook his head.

“You were on board with this. What changed?” He shrugged lamely and looked at me trying to understand.

“I talked to Penny. She told me how she and Dan had handled being apart and I felt better about our situation after that. She said that all I needed to do was ask myself if you were worth trying long distance for.”

“And you decided that I’m not?” He looked like he was about to cry and I felt my heart start to break.

“No, you are. You so are. But I’m not.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“You said something to me the night of your party. You said that you would quit your job if it looked like we weren’t going to be able to handle being apart.” He nodded, “But I’m not worth that. And I realized that if I didn’t end this before you left, you would ruin your future for me. And I am not worth that.”

“I think that’s a decision I get to make. If you’re worth it or not. And I say you are. We could at least try-”

I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.

“I know how this road goes. And, more importantly, I know myself and I know how I will feel with you so far away. By the time we realize that it’s not working, it will be too far gone to fix and you’ll quit your job to come home to save a relationship that no longer exists because the people who were in it no longer exist.”

A tear ran down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly.

“I don’t understand…you….you don’t love me anymore?” I had blindsided him with this and I hated myself for it.

“No, I do. I love you so much that I’m going to let you go so that you can go on and have the career you’ve worked so hard for and waited so long for. Because I love you and I want you to be happy and giving your job up for me a few months down the road because I can't handle you being gone won't make you happy.”

"Neither will ending what we have." He stepped toward me and put his hands on my arms.

I sighed and closed my eyes. This was painful for both of us but it was the right thing to do.

"You'll be unhappy for a little while, but you'll move on."

He shook his head as if he was offended I would even suggest that he'd be able to move on.

“I won’t go. If it means I’m going to lose you, then I’m just going to call them and tell them I’m not going. Where’s my phone?”

He started pacing around the living room looking for it. I stopped him by gently touching his arm.

“You’ve already lost me.” It was almost physically painful for me to say those words.

He stopped cold and looked at me as if he hadn't heard me and then with disbelief. Another tear fell down my cheek which I wiped away quickly. His face went from disbelief to painful realization.

“I love you…” His voice broke and he looked at me with so much hurt in his eyes.

He hugged me but when I didn't hug him back and tried to gently break away, he slid down to his knees so his face was buried in my abdomen. Hot tears sprung to my eyes and I felt like I was going to vomit. My hands were shaking with adrenaline as I put them on his shoulders and head and tried not to sob.

“Adam, I’m sorry.” My voice broke and I lost all control of my emotions.

He looked up at me with tears running down his face and scrambled to stand up.

“You don’t have to do this.” He pleaded. The sound of sadness in his voice stabbed me with each word.

He cupped my face with his hands and frantically searched my eyes.

“Don’t do this.” He begged.

I closed my eyes and put my hands over his. I felt his lips push against mine desperately and I kissed him back. For a moment he had convinced me. We could try it. We could make it work. We could be together. But then rationality came back to me and I gently pushed him away. I wouldn’t be the reason Adam didn't take this job. I wouldn’t be the reason he became a completely different person. I couldn’t go back to who I used to be; insecure and nasty and cruel. I would not allow our relationship...me to make him miserable like it...I did with Sean.

“I should go.” I said quietly, “You have to leave early tomorrow morning...”

I walked to his door and stared at him sadly. He was standing in the middle of his dim, empty apartment with tears running down his face and so much sadness in his eyes.

“I love you, Adam and I’m so sorry, but...it's over.”

I turned into his dim hallway and felt my heart shatter as the door closed behind me.