Bon Voyage

Things have been weird for the past few days. Since we decided to try doing this long distance, we’ve come to an unspoken understanding not to bring it up. Adam moving is this constant elephant in the room that neither of us wants to address but it’s getting harder to ignore, especially with the moving boxes piling up in his apartment. But, Adam brought something up the other night that made his impending departure too difficult to ignore.

“Dan wants to throw me a going away party. He’s just inviting my friends, so my family won’t be there.  Peter, his wife…a few friends from college…do you want to go?”

I was helping him pack and looked up from the box I had just taped closed.

“Sure…it sounds like fun.” I said.

It sounded like the opposite of fun, to be honest. To be in a room with a bunch of people I don’t know and Peter, who hates me, all so we could celebrate my boyfriend moving to Ohio sounded like a new form of torture, but Adam deserved a going away party and I wasn’t going to refuse to go and ruin his night.

“Cool, I’ll let Dan know. It’s supposed to be an open bar.”

“Awesome.” I gave him a fake smile and went back to packing but I heard him sigh.

“I hate this.” He said.

“It’s just packing. I’ve done it a lot, it’s not that ba-”

“Not the packing, this,” he motioned between us, “I feel like we haven’t….I feel like I can’t talk to you about anything…We haven’t had sex since I told you about Ohio.”

“You’re pissed because we haven’t had sex? Seriously?” I asked him angrily.

“No.” He winced and tried to rephrase, “I just…That’s not what I…that’s not normal for us. I feel like you’re not talking to me about how you feel or what you’re thinking about all of this.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I said, “Adam, I’m mad at this whole situation. And that makes me feel like a giant asshole because I should be happy for you for getting such an amazing job and I know that I should be happy for you and I have tried to be happy for you but I just…can’t. I’m too terrified over what this means for us.”

“You’re allowed to feel however you want about it.”

“I know that,” I snapped, “But I still feel guilty about it. And I feel like you’re just ignoring how serious this all is.”

“What exactly do you think I’m ignoring?” He asked.

He was getting angry and I was relieved because up until now I’d felt like he’d had no feelings about any of this either way.

“All you keep saying about us trying long distance is that it will all work out. That we’ll be okay. That means nothing to me! You don’t have a plan! You don’t have any idea how this will play out!”

“But eventually,” He walked toward me and put his arms on my shoulders, “I will have a plan. Things will settle down and we will have an idea of what being in a long distance relationship means for us. You just have to trust that it’ll come together.”

I wanted to laugh at him. It sounded so overly optimistic that it bordered on naïve.

“Have you ever been in a long distance relationship before?” I asked.

“No, but-”

“So, you have absolutely no idea what we’re about to walk into, do you?”

Adam crossed his arms and leaned against his entertainment center.

“I know it might be hard,” he said, “but I have faith in us and I wish you did, too.”

I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it.

“Listen,” he said at my silence, “I’m not under any delusions about how hard this will be for us.”

My eyes flicked up to his, it was the first time he had admitted that trying long distance would actually be difficult for us.

“But I believe we’ll make it through, and maybe that’s cliché or naïve or whatever, but I do.”

“Why?” I asked feebly, “How?”

“Because I love you. More than anything. And I know that matters and will make all the difference in how this plays out.” He said matter-of-factly.

“That is the most disgusting, overly-sentimental bullshit I have ever heard.” I said pulling him into a kiss.

“I meant every word.” He said when I pulled away.

“I am going to miss you so much.” My voice broke and I was crying again.

I was so sick of crying. He pulled me into a hug and rested his chin on top of my head.

“I’m going to call you every day. We’ll Skype all the time. I’m going to come and visit at least every month, if not more often. And you can come and see me and hang out in my sad little apartment and tell me all about how awesome the city is without me.”

“You’ll be in a brand new city of your own. It won’t be that bad.” I said looking up at him.

He kissed my forehead and we went back to packing. When we were too tired to do anything else I ordered us Chinese takeout and we ate it on his couch in front of the television.