Friendlies

Adam and I were out on a date. The weather was finally not blisteringly cold so we met up at a park and walked around near the lake for awhile until the wind picked and we were too cold. We ended up going to a little Italian place for dinner.

I wore a black scoop neck dress with ¾ sleeves and some black booties and Adam was wearing a grey sweater that really brought out his beautiful green eyes and dark wash jeans. We looked good.

I ordered a four cheese penne dish and he got baked ziti. I sipped my wine as Adam told me about his job search.

“I haven’t heard back from any yet, but your HR friend sent me a few more things this morning.”

“Oh, that’s great!” I rubbed his hand on top of the table, “You’re going to hear back in no time. I can just FEEL it.”

“So, look, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Adam said suddenly serious. He was tracing shapes with his finger on the table top and didn’t meet my eyes.

“Okay…is everything okay?” I asked a little scared.

“Yeah, but, uh. How…how would you like to meet some of my friends?” He looked up at me.

“I’d love to. And I want you to meet mine.” I said relieved it wasn’t something bad.

“Really? No freaking out, just a happy agreement?” His eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Nope. No freaking out. I want to meet your friends. I mean, I already know Suzy, Dina, Steve, and Tom, but I’ve never met any of your other friends.”

“Okay, well, I’m inviting my friends Dan and Peter over to watch a basketball game this weekend and you could come hang out with us before it starts. I know basketball isn’t really your thing so I wouldn’t want to torture you to stay for the game.” He smirked.

“I’d like that. I have to work, though. I could come by between shows. And you should come over and have lunch on Sunday with me and the girls at my place. Molly and I are making fajitas at our apartment and Zoey’s bringing cupcakes. Theo and Anna and their kids will be there, too.”

“Great. I can’t wait! Speaking of Zoey and Theo… has she figured out what she wants to do?”

“Yeah. She decided to just forget about it.”

“That seems like the best choice.”

“Yeah. It is…” I sipped some water.

“But?”

“I don’t know…I just…do you think this whole thing bothers Zoey because she could have feelings for Theo?”

“After all this time? I don’t think so. Have you ever had reason to think that?” He asked.

“Well, no. But I also had no idea that they were even a couple in college, so obviously I’m not the most perceptive person.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” Adam put his hand on mine, “I think Zoey and Theo were just really good at hiding it. But maybe you should talk to Zoey about it.”

“I don’t think I should bring it up. I mean, she’s made her decision to keep quiet, I feel like bringing it up would just drag it out even more.”

Just then our food came and we dropped the Zoey conversation.

“So how is everything with your mom?” Adam asked.

He couldn’t have picked a worse conversation topic, to be honest.

“I don’t know, we haven’t really talked.”

“You haven’t called home lately?”

“No, I do. But every time I call she hands the phone to my dad after we talk about nothing of substance for 45 seconds. The last time I called we talked about the weather before she handed the phone to my dad. It’s progress, though. She’s stopped making passive-aggressive comments about how she never knows what I’m up to because I don’t live in the area.”

“What does your dad say?”

“We don’t talk about it. It’s not like he has control over her or anything. Plus, he lives with her so taking my side would just prove to be a giant pain in the ass for him because then she’d be giving both of us the frigid near-silent treatment instead of just me. Honestly, Adam, I’m done trying to patch things up with her.”

“But she’s your mom, Faith…”

“I know that,” I said putting my fork down harder than I intended which brought on stares from other diners, “sorry…I know she’s my mom but what am I supposed to do, Adam? Just move in with my parents and give up every part of my life so SHE can feel better about MY life? Because that seems to be the only solution she’ll accept and I refuse. I’m an adult. I have been paying my bills on my own for years. I have been living without my parents for years. I’m not going to move in with them and give up my independence and privacy just to make her feel better.”

“I get that but…”

“But what?”

Adam shrugged.

“There has to be some middle ground you can find with her.”

“Why are you pushing this?” I eyed him.

“Because eventually we’re going to meet each other’s parents and I want you and your mom to be on good terms when that happens. Because then all you’ll have to worry about is whether or not they like me instead of that AND how to deal with her.”

I was surprised and didn’t say anything. I had not expected that explanation. I put my silverware down and took a deep breath.

“Adam…I haven’t brought a guy home to meet my parents since my freshman year of college.”

“So…what? I’m NEVER going to meet them?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that we would need to be together for a really long time before I would even consider taking you to meet them.”

“And you don’t think we will be…?”

Adam gave me a genuinely confused and hurt look.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying…”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m not there yet and won’t be for a really long time so you don’t need to worry about what’s going on with me and my mom for a really long time.”

Adam looked down at his plate and moved some pasta around with his fork.

“Adam, don’t be like that. It’s not because of you, it’s because of my parents…well really just my mom. Surely you understand….?”

“I do.” He sighed.

An awkward silence fell between us.

“I won’t bring it up again.” He said darkly.

“Thank you.”

I had lost my appetite and wanted to go home. I wasn’t mad at him per se, but talking about how things with my mom have been bummed me out and I knew I wouldn’t be any fun for the rest of the night. Adam signaled for the check and I got my things together. Once we were out of the restaurant I pulled him aside.

“I’m going to go back to my place.” I said.

“Faith, you don’t have to leave. I’m sorry I brought that stuff up. I’ll drop it.”

“It’s not that. I just…I’d rather go home. I don’t think I’m going to be very fun to be around right now, plus, I think I should talk to Zoey. So I’m going to call her when I get home.”

“Are we still on for Saturday?” He asked.

I nodded and kissed him.

“Are we still on for Sunday?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

He held my hand and squeezed it.

“Are we okay?” I asked.

“Are we?”

I looked down at my hand in his.

“It’s just really hard for me to talk about my mom right now.” I said, “I didn’t even realize you were thinking about meeting-the-parents kind of stuff. It caught me off guard.”

“Fair enough. I know that stuff with your mom is hard to deal with and I didn’t bring it up to piss you off. I just wanted to see if it was still an issue and try to support you, but if you’d rather deal with it on your own, then I won’t ask about it again.”

“I don’t want to deal with it on my own, Adam, I just don’t think I’m ready to deal with it not by myself. Does that make sense?”

Adam nodded and kissed me. He walked me home and gave me a steamy kiss before he left. I was so close to inviting him in but I knew I needed to call Zoey. I changed into my pajamas, took my makeup off, and checked my email before settling in my comfy chair and dialing her number.

“Hey.” I said when she answered.

“Hi.”

“I have some questions about you and Theo.” I said.

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking about everything and I wanted to ask you some questions.”

“I just want to forget about it, Faith.”

“I get that, Zoey, but since I know about all of this, it’s not just your conscience that feels guilty anymore.”

I heard her sigh on the other end of the line.

“What do you want to know?”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

“What!? NO! Why would you even think that?”

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging, “you guys hid this whole thing so well that I wasn’t sure if THAT was why his lie bothered you so much.”

“Faith, I told you why it bothered me…because he lied to Anna about it.”

“Really? There isn’t another reason? You and Theo agreed to lie to her by not telling her anything. Why is THAT lie okay but the one he told isn’t?”

“Because.”

I waited for Zoey to continue talking but she didn’t.

“That’s your answer? I just don’t see how you would justify not telling Anna at all but can’t justify telling her it was a hook-up. At least THAT lie is a little more honest.”

“He had no right to…”

“To what?”

“Faith, I didn’t want ANYONE to know about my pregnancy or miscarriage. It was incredibly hard for me to go through. I didn’t even tell my PARENTS. I didn’t want Anna to know about the fact that Theo and I were together not because I wanted to hide the relationship he and I had but because I didn’t want to have to explain that we ended things because we no longer had a pregnancy tying us together.”

“But you wouldn’t have had to tell her that part.”

“Faith, Theo and I were going to stop seeing each other but then I found out I was pregnant, what was originally a casual relationship to help us get over our recent break-ups suddenly turned into a relationship of convenience and was dragged out for much longer than either of us intended. There was no way to explain it to Anna that didn’t bring that part up. Plus, you know what Anna is like. She would have never stopped asking questions until it came out.”

“But don’t you think she deserved to know back then? I’m not saying you should tell her now, but surely when she got back together with him you coul-”

“My miscarriage is none of her business, then OR now. I’m pissed that Theo reduced all that I went through into a one-night stand because for me it wasn’t. I am who I am because of what happened, Faith. That lie is insulting to what I lost and who I’ve become because of it. And it was a betrayal to me and my secrets and dishonest to Anna.”

“So…you’re just going to drop the whole thing?”

“Yes.”

There was silence for a few seconds.

“Are you going to be okay?” I asked her.

“I will. This whole thing just brought out a lot of really difficult memories for me and I think I just panicked. Now that I’ve had some clarity and time…I’ve decided to leave the past in the past. It’s what’s best for everyone in this situation.”

“Okay.”

Zoey and I talked about more pleasant things and then she asked me about Adam.

“I was surprised you called. I figured you’d be at Adam’s. You guys had a date tonight, right?”

“Yeah.” I said with very little enthusiasm, “And I sort of ruined it. Or…we both did. I don’t really know…it just didn’t go that great.”

“What happened?”

“Adam brought up my mom.”

“Oh.”

Zoey is aware of the issues I am having with my mother. She also knows my mom and knows her personality and how ridiculous she can get. When I was in college, my mom and I fought a lot and because Zoey was my roommate and best friend she got to see a lot of it play out. My mom hated the school I decided to go to. She wanted me to stay and live with her and my dad while I went to the local college in town. When I didn’t do that, she made it clear that she hated the major I’d chosen, she was overly critical, and completely unsupportive throughout my college career.  I eventually added a second major in communications to try and appease her constant criticism but it didn’t help much. When I graduated, my mom applauded herself for my accomplishments (graduating in the top 5% of my class and with honors) even though she had very little to do with it and barely supported me at all throughout those four years. It was all made insurmountably worse by the fact that she never criticized my brother’s choices at all, even though a lot of them were similar to mine.

My brother’s coping strategy for dealing with my mother then and now is to screen her calls and ignore her. It works for him but it usually means I get to deal with our mom all on my own and she takes all of her frustrations with both of her children out on me. When my brother went to college the year before me, he got multiple parking tickets and since the car was registered to my parents it came to our house rather than my brother’s on-campus address. I absolutely HATED the days that a ticket would show up in the mail because my mother would yell at me about how irresponsible my brother was and how ungrateful we BOTH were and how if I ever got a ticket I would have to pay for it myself. I’ve never had a ticket or been pulled over in my life but it was a regular lecture I received regardless. My mom always ended up paying the tickets and when I suggested that she not do that and instead make my brother pay for them, I got yelled at even more.

After I graduated and started working and living by myself, my relationship with my mother improved. I was working in a career that she approved of and I was able to make a decent living doing it so the tension that was present while I was in college had disappeared. But now it’s all really difficult again.

“Well, how is everything with your mom?”

“How do you think?” I sighed wearily, “Now that everything is going downhill again with her I don’t really know how to handle…or if I even should, to be honest. Maybe I should just do what my brother does and wash my hands of her, screen her calls, and completely ignore her.”

“You know she’ll just guilt you for it. And unlike your brother, you actually feel guilty.”

“Ahhh, the joys of having an anxiety disorder.” I joked.

“It’s a tough situation, Faith, but don’t be mad at Adam for bringing it up. He has no idea.”

“I know. And I’m not mad at him, I’m just…I don’t know. He started talking about meeting my parents and I hate that he hasn’t even met my mother yet and somehow she’s already causing problems in my relationship.”

“You think if he meets your parents she’s going to do the same thing she did with Malcolm?”

Malcolm was my first serious boyfriend. We met in an acting class in college (he was a senior and I was a freshman) and started sleeping together before we ended up dating. He was the first person I’d ever slept with and our relationship was a whirlwind. I brought him home to meet my parents for spring break and my mother acted so terribly that Malcolm broke up with me a few weeks later right before he graduated. He swore it had nothing to do with meeting my parents but I never really believed him. I was devastated.

“Who knows?” I said, “But I know I don’t want Adam to meet them until he’s SUPER attached to me. That way he’ll be able to fight the urge to run far, far away after he does meet them.”

“Do you think Adam really asked because he wanted you to take him to meet them?”

“Why else would he bring it up?”

“Maybe he wants to take you to meet HIS parents…”

“What?”

“Well, I don’t know Adam, but when Wesley wanted to invite me to meet his parents he kept trying to bring up mine. I think he thought it would be a good segue into asking me…like, if I was the one who somehow brought it up it would end up being MY idea or something.”

“That doesn’t really sound like Adam.” I said, “He’s always been fairly direct with me…which is kind of why I like him so much.”

“I know I haven’t met him yet but I like him already.” Zoey said.

“What? Why?” I was surprised.

“Because you smile whenever you talk about him. Even now, I can hear you smiling over the phone.”

I realized she was right. I was smiling.

“Do you think I should talk to him about this even more? Things got SO awkward tonight.”

“I don’t know. Maybe talking him about it to get a better idea of his motivations with bringing it up will make it less awkward?”

“Maybe.”

I realized it was really late and I knew Zoey had to get up for work the next morning so I let her go and laid in my bed. I think Adam was being genuine when he said he wanted to support me with my family problems but I’m not convinced that’s actually why he brought it up in the first place.

What do you guys think? Should I ask him or just drop it?