I’m home, officially. It was a long flight and I’m definitely enjoying just relaxing at home with my parents doing Christmasy things. My mom and I baked cookies last night and we got some snow today so I took some time to watch it fall. I really liked watching snow fall as a kid and it still entrances me in adulthood, it’s just so pretty. I finished my Christmas shopping here and sent out Sean’s gift to him a few days ago (the guitar pick thing I bought for Guy, a new guitar strap, and a black and gray hoodie), his gifts for me arrived the other day and my mom wrapped them and put them under the tree. I have no idea what they are.
My mom has decided that I am going to help her make our Christmas dinner tomorrow because I need to learn to cook or else I’ll “never get married”. She usually says I’ll never get a man unless I learn how to cook but since I already have a man, I guess the next step would be marriage. Thankfully she’s starting me off with the easy stuff. All I’m responsible for making is her cheesy scalloped potatoes and heating up some bread. It’s kind of nice to bond with my mom over cooking though. I mean who doesn’t love their mom’s food and by extension their mom, right?
I know I haven’t posted in awhile but I’ve been taking some time to think about this Sean situation. He took me to the airport before I left and there was still some weirdness between us. I’m pretty sure it’s from bringing up Paul and Gerry when we were out shopping but I also think it’s because we both know this is our last shot at a relationship and if we screw it up, it’s over. I’m sort of getting the feeling that Sean isn’t really into our relationship anymore but doesn’t want to be the one to break it off. I know it’s probably nothing but when we met in the coffee shop, he said something that’s been bothering me.
He said, “So you still love me, huh?”
It’s probably nothing but it made me wonder, does Sean still love me? Maybe he doesn’t and he’s doing the non-communication thing to pick a fight?
Our relationship has been full of problems; problems caused by both of us equally and I’m doubtful that we will be able to recover from it all. I mean, if you think about everything we had, it was based on a lie. Sean and I were just having sex when we decided to start dating and the whole time he was lying to me about his erectile dysfunction, which, to be fair, he wasn’t necessarily required to tell me about that when we were just having sex. But when it became the first major issue in our relationship after we started dating, it was something I needed to know (I mean, he was withholding sex with me and lying about why), and he lied about it. A lot. I’ve been looking through my blog at the beginning of our dating relationship and, at the time I was frustrated, confused, and wondering if I was the problem, but looking back, I see just how much Sean was unwilling to communicate.
But then he got better at communicating and I was the one that started lying and now we’re back to him not communicating things to me; things about his brother, about his feelings with Gerry and Kevin. It leaves me with a sense of sadness, I feel like we’ve been doomed since the beginning.
My parents have been pretty understanding and haven’t asked about Sean. I think they can tell something was up and I’m sure my mom is dying to ask me but my dad convinced her not to. I’m really thankful for that. The only allusion to my relationship issues my dad made was a conversation we had today. I was sitting in their bay window watching the snow and he made me a cup of hot chocolate.
“You seem sad.”
“I’m not, really. The snow is just peaceful and reminds me of my mortality.” I joked.
“Are you a poet now?”
“Maybe.” I said taking a sip of my hot chocolate. It was perfect; my dad can make the perfect cup of hot chocolate and the perfect scrambled eggs with cheese. Anything else he makes is grilled, even in the winter time; it drives my mom nuts because she’s constantly worried about the house catching on fire but my dad is a self-professed grill master and is very attentive when he’s making food so she really worries for nothing.
“You know, I would avoid anything that makes you look so sad. I miss my little girl’s smile.” And with that he left me to my thoughts.
Did my dad just tell me to break up with Sean in his own “I’m-not-going-to-pry-but-this-is-my-advice-to-you” kind of way?
Kind of an unexpected turn of events. I realize that communication has been an issue, but second guessing how they truly feel for each other hadn't been on my radar. I love Sean and Faith together. mum
ReplyDeleteI never got the sense that they were second guessing their relationship. They both need to communicate better and not withold information from each other, but I really like them together.
ReplyDeleteI did get the sense that they were second guessing. I mean they both have been guilty of withdrawing and withholding. Your partner should be the one you can turn to when you need a shoulder to lean on but instead they both feel they need to be strong for each other. Idk, I can see where Faith is coming from, but it is a shame.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Faith is just feeling that way (wondering about Sean's feelings for her) because he pulled back from her regarding his issues with Brother-Bear, and she's also feeling like he might think she's too "soft" with her stance on Gerry. She wants to "fix" Sean's relationship with his brother, and Sean kind of resents the intrusion. And, now that they're separated for the holidays, the physical distance only adds to the emotional one. With everything these two have endured since first starting up, it's no wonder she's thinking he might want to throw in the towel. Though, I'd be really surprised if that's how Sean actually feels (like he wants them to end things). He should try to make her understand his viewpoint better, instead of just clamming up and shutting her out.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh! I'm going to miss Sean so much!
ReplyDelete