Full Circle

After another day of me sulking at Zoey’s place I reluctantly decided it was time for me to go back to my apartment. It’s been longer than a month since someone broke in. It was time for me to get it together and grow up a little. Zoey loves me and I know she would never kick me out but I know having me live with her off and on like this over these past few weeks was starting to grate on her privacy. I thanked Zoey before she left and promised to hang out with her and Anna some time, and maybe even invite Molly.

As I settled in to do a little bit of work that I had neglected while my life was collapsing around me, Murphy played around on the floor. It took me a few seconds to recognize my phone vibrating next to me. It was my mom. I let it go to voicemail because I didn’t really want to listen to her gush about how excited she was to meet Sean and then listen to her accuse me of being the reason he wouldn’t be flying home with me.

It’s weird. I don’t really know how to feel about this most recent fight with Sean. I’m so confused about everything and I’ve been second-guessing everything. Should I have said “screw it” and taken it to court just to lose like Shelby said I would? Was the principle of the thing…that Kevin should be punished in a court of law… was that what Sean was more upset about? But that would never happen, my case would get thrown out or I would be slandered as a whore who was asking for it! It would never have ended in punishment for Kevin. I was right to take the deal. But Sean didn’t think so…

My thoughts had been going nonstop like this since I got home. The silence was driving me nuts. Then my phone started buzzing again and I angrily answered it.

“I don’t want to talk right now mom!”

Silence was on the other end.

“…It’s me.”

“Oh.” I said quietly. Sean’s voice sounded tired.

“Do you want to get coffee somewhere? Talk.”

Images flashed through my head of the last time I met a boyfriend in a coffee shop. It was Kevin and we broke up. I swallowed hard, not wanting that to be what happened with Sean.

“I’m home right now.”

“No. I want to meet somewhere neutral to both of us.”

“If you’re going to break up with me, Sean, just do it. I don’t need it t-to be face to face.” I tried to keep my voice even but it wavered at the very end.

“Do you want to break up? Because I don’t. I just want to talk about…about how we….how I left things. But if you don’t want to be with me anymore, then I guess that’s what we’ll do.”

“I don’t. Where?”

“There’s a place near your house, the one we took your brother and Shannon to. I’m already there.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

I hung up the phone and then immediately became self conscious of how I looked. I hadn’t even tried to keep my personal appearance acceptable unless I had to work, and even then it wasn’t even a very good attempt. My hair was a mess and I had bags under my eyes which looked even worse since my eyes were puffy from crying so much. I ran a brush through my hair and hid the bags with some foundation before giving up and leaving for the coffee shop.

He was sitting in a corner with two cups of coffee for us. I noticed the coffees were in to-go cups in case things went south and one or both of us left. I hesitated before sitting down, he hadn’t noticed me enter, or maybe he did and just pretended not to in order to give me a chance to change my mind. He seemed almost surprised when I slid into the booth opposite him.

“Thanks…for meeting me.” He said looking down and slowly spinning his cup around on the table top.

“Sure.” I said feeling incredibly awkward.

We were both looking at our coffee cups, unwilling to say anything. I took the contract Kevin had signed and laid it on the table.

“This is the deal I made. It’s a legally binding contract. He can’t break it or he risks going to jail…for real.” I said, adding emphasis on “for real”.

Sean read it quietly and then slowly pushed it back towards me.

“I don’t really know how to feel about all of this. How am I supposed to be okay with the fact that he’s probably laughing about what he did to you and how he got away with it?”

“You don’t have to like it, Sean, but you do have to accept it. I dropped the charges because I love you and I don’t want to be the reason you go to jail or can’t play your music. You protected me,” I reached across the table and touched his hands lightly with mine, we looked at each other for the first time since I sat down, “and this was the only way for me to return the favor. I will never be able to thank you for pulling him off of me.”

“You love me, still, huh?” Sean said more to himself than me. He ran his thumb over my hand.

“I do,” I said pulling my hands away, “But I know it’s no surprise that I haven’t been very happy lately and neither have you. It feels like we fight all the time and when we aren’t fighting, we aren’t talking about anything that matters. What happened to us?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head sadly, “I was so much more open with you and I felt like we really communicated and then I found out how much you weren’t telling me and I think I got defensive and started doing the same. I want to go back to before, but I don’t know how.”

I let what Sean said sink in. The damage I had caused from not telling him about Gerry was still alive and well.

“But you know why I didn’t tell you. I wanted to protect you. I thought if I just waited Gerry out, things would be fine. You guys were having so many problems and Gerry made it very clear that I was the reason…that he wouldn’t have been so controlling if you’d never-”

Sean stopped me by reaching across and grabbing my hands.

“I do know, but…” Sean was at a loss for words.

“What can we do? Is it fixable? How can I fix this?”

His eyes were full of pain, seeing how desperate I was to fix things. I could see him trying to think of something, anything to make me feel better, but he just shook his head when he couldn’t think of anything.

“Sean, do you know why I agreed to go on a date with you?” I asked him quietly.

“No.”

“Because you were willing to fix me. I was so…broken after Kevin. I was so hurt and betrayed and unwilling to trust anyone and you were the complete opposite of him. You are still the complete opposite of him. And I know that you don’t want to hear me compare you to my ex-boyfriend but it’s the truth. I don’t think very many people would have looked at me, seen me have a breakdown in a hotel room, looked at all of my baggage and taken that step to care about me the way you did. But you did and I am so lucky for it.” Tears were sliding down my face by the time I finished and Sean was sniffling.

“You fixed me too, Faith. I’m in therapy, now.”

Sean and I were at a stalemate. Neither one of us knew what to say.

“Can we try to start over? Reconnect?” I asked after I couldn’t take the painful silence again.

“I don’t think I can start over with you, for one I can’t afford the hotel bills.” We both laughed meekly at his joke, “But we can go slow and try to rebuild. I want to fight for what we have.”

“Me too.” I said.

After a small pause, I collected the contract and my coffee and got up to leave. Sean followed me out and walked me back to my apartment. We stood there like awkward teenagers, unsure of what to do.

“Do you want to come up? Murphy misses you. He’s been so confused with all of this moving around.” I tried to make a joke but neither of us really felt like laughing.

Sean thought for a moment and ultimately decided he would come up for a few minutes, as a good will gesture of effort towards rebuilding our relationship. I was sort of relieved because it felt like Sean was done punishing me for lying about Gerry…absolving me of all the things I’d done wrong to get us to this place. I think he knows, though, that we got here because of his actions just as much as mine…it takes two people to be in a relationship. When Sean decided to come up the slate was wiped clean and I felt hopeful that we could do this.

We sat on the couch talking for awhile while Sean stroked Murphy’s belly, we even laughed a few times. It was nice but Sean eventually got up to leave and I stood up to send him off. He went in to lightly kiss me good-bye but something came over both of us. I realized how long it had been since we’d had sex (almost a month) and I wanted Sean’s body against mine with such ferocity that I don’t even remember how we ended up back on the couch with me straddling him. He had me pulled against him with one hand on the small of my back and the other tangled in my hair. I frantically took my shirt off, not wanting my mouth to part from his, and then started unzipping his hoodie and moving it off his arms. I could feel just how into everything Sean was from the pressure that had appeared between my legs and slid my hands down to unzip his jeans. He let out a few stifled moans and whispered my name a few times once I got my hand to the right place. Everything was so animalistic and intense but then it went horribly wrong.

Sean went to unzip my jeans and I immediately started having a panic attack. I was having flashes of the night with Kevin and felt so scared and afraid. I froze and couldn’t seem to catch my breath. Sean didn’t realize what was happening at first because we were both breathing so hard at that point but knew something was wrong because I was so stiff.

“Faith?” He asked out of breath, “Faith are you okay?”

I shook my head because talking was impossible. He helped me stand up and then found a paper bag to help regulate my breathing. After a few minutes I was able to drink some water, but I had to go back to the bag. It felt like hours before my breathing was under my own control again but Sean never left my side, he held my hand and patted my hair and hugged me close the whole time. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I knew this was definitely something of that sort. I had trouble walking without getting out of breath and a few times I threw up the water I had been drinking. I don’t know when I started crying but Sean helped me with that, too, wiping away my tears with a tissue and making sure I blew my nose. At some point he helped me into bed and I just laid there in his arms listening to his steady heart beat. The irony of having a breakdown right before we started dating and having another one right after we agreed to try and rebuild our relationship was not lost on me. We’d come full circle.