The Choice

Zoey and I arrived at the hospital to pick up Molly at the crack of dawn. I hadn’t really slept at all and what little sleep I did get was filled with horrifying flashbacks. It seemed to take forever for Molly to be discharged from the hospital and sent on her way but when it finally happened we loaded into the car and Zoey dropped me off at the hospital that Adam was at. She and Molly walked up to the waiting room with me.

“We’ll wait for five minutes to make sure you’re able to see him and then I’m going to get Molly settled in at my place. You can call me when you’re ready to be picked up, okay?” Zoey said as I looked down the long, sterile-white hallway to Adam’s room.

I nodded and then started the long trek down the hallway to look for room 515. The good news was that Adam had survived his surgery but that was all I knew before I entered his room. I found it and suddenly became incredibly nervous. What if he didn’t want to see me? What if he yelled at me to get out and to never see him again? What if he was in a coma?

I lightly knocked on the door and waited for a voice to tell me to come in. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.

“Faith.” Adam said quietly.

He was hooked up to so many tubes and was covered in bandages across his entire chest and abdomen. I immediately teared up.

“Mom, dad, this is my friend Faith.” Adam said hoarsely. He couldn’t speak very loudly.

I turned and saw two people with puffy, kind eyes. His mom pulled me in for a hug and his dad shook my hand. They were wearing rumpled, travel-worn clothes and looked exhausted.

“We were just going to go down to get some coffee. Would you like some?” Adam’s mom asked me.

“No. Thank you.” I said.

Adam’s mom gave him a hug before she and her husband wearily left for the cafeteria. Once they were gone I looked at him. We were silent for a moment.

“That’s, uh, not really how I thought you’d meet my parents.” He tried to joke. He motioned me to come sit next to him on his bed.

“Adam,” I said lightly touching his hand, “I…I’m so glad you’re okay.”

I burst into tears and he pulled me into a hug.

“I’m going to be fine. Give or take 6 months to a year. 100% recovery they think. They’re even going to let me out of here in a few days if I behave.”

“How bad is it?” I asked him.

“Six stab wounds. One was three millimeters from going through my aorta. Two did some pretty serious damage to my intestines so I’m pooping in a bag for the foreseeable future. But it’s temporary, they said they would reverse it in a few months if things healed up well enough. I had a collapsed lung from another stab wound, and two on my side that punctured my spleen, so that's gone now.” He rattled it off nonchalantly and I was amazed. He seemed to be coping well with what had happened.

“D-did the police tell you what happened?” I asked looking at him and wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Yeah. I’m glad you’re okay. Did she do that to you?” He pointed at my arm in the sling.

I nodded and looked down at my lap.

“I’m so sorry, Adam.” I said with my voice wavering, “I can’t help but feel like I’m responsible for what happe-”

“You stop that right now,” He said with a serious tone, “This was NOT your fault.”

He stared into my eyes so intensely that I had to look away.

“I thought she’d killed you. I thought I’d never get to see you again.”

I started crying again.

“Hey, come here. Let me tell you a secret…” He said.

I leaned down so he could tell me.

“After she left, I thought I was going to die. I mean, I was REALLY sure. And there was only one thing I had regretted as I contemplated my life. And the fact that I never got to rectify it was what made me keep it together.”

“What was that?” I asked with concern.

“This.”

Adam put his hand on my cheek and pulled my mouth to his and kissed me. It was sweet and gentle, it was the kind of kiss where history and friendship were the foundation and I had butterflies in my stomach.

“I should’ve done that that night we were alone in the office.” He said when we broke apart.

“That was smooth.” I joked.

“I’ve gotta say, when I envisioned kissing you for the first time, I didn’t have a catheter going up my urethra.” He said raising his eyebrows with consideration, “And, if I’m being honest, the poop bag is also a surprise.”

“So sexy.” I smiled for the first time in what seemed like years, “But…”

“Why is there a but? There doesn’t have to be a but.” He said with disappointment, “Let’s kiss some more, maybe you’ll forget the but.”

I giggled.

“But I’m dealing with a lot right now. I was dealing with a lot before any of this happened, Adam. I don’t want to promise you something that I am just not capable of giving you right now. I need time to just…deal with my life on my own.” I said sadly.

“Can I get a deadline or something?” He tried to joke but it was evident that he was pretty bummed.

I shook my head.

“In all honesty, I’m so screwed up that I don’t even know if I ever will be able to get my life to a healthy enough point where I can share it with anyone. I mean, even just being my friend is pretty dangerous.”

It was a weak attempt at a joke for a serious situation. Adam weaved his fingers with mine on my good hand.

“We could just pause for a while until you figure your stuff out.” He said.

“That would be unfair to you. You deserve to be able to move on and find someone who is well-balanced and not stalking me in secret.” Apparently I was really good at using humor as a defense mechanism, “And I don’t know that I…”

“What?”

“I like our friendship, Adam. I don’t know if I’m willing to risk losing it for a romantic relationship that, given my track record, probably won’t work out.”

“What’s life without a little risk?” He was trying to hide how hurt he was.

“Adam…”

“No, Faith, listen, okay? You and I just went through something that could have killed us. It’s time to start living. Fuck worrying about everything! I say we take the risk because we might not be around to take it tomorrow.”

I didn’t know what to say. Adam took his hand away from mine.

“I’m sorry.” He said, “I get how emotionally manipulative this must be with me sitting here like this.”

He gestured to the tubes and machines surrounding him.

“You asked for time and I’m going to respect that but you can’t deny that you didn’t feel something a thousand times more powerful during that kiss than you’ve ever felt just being my friend. We could have that, Faith.”

I didn’t speak and after a while Adam’s hurt came through.

“Did you not feel anything?” He asked hesitantly.

“No, I did. It was wonderful.” I said quickly, “I just…”

“Need time?”

I nodded.

“Okay.” He said with an air of finality.

He changed the subject to talking about his parents but I was still thinking about our conversation.

I’m still not sure how to feel about it.